mid-college crisis

I have a white friend now and I've learned that abruptly going from brunette to blonde (or vice versa!) is a white woman stress signal, kinda like when squid quickly change their colors, it's a sign of distress!

— Jasmine Sha-Ree Sanders (@JasMoneyRecords) December 2, 2017

I'm a natural brunette. occasionally, I would have these natural blonde highlights show up in the summer, and sometimes people asked me if I got my hair lightened, but I did not want any more color than that. when I was 15, I made a commitment to grow out my hair, and I ended up loving not having to style my thick hair every day like I did when it was shorter. being a brown-eyed brunette with long, thick, naturally straight hair was part of my identity, and I was insistent on never changing that. around the time I graduated high school, a lot of my friends were either cutting or changing their hair color because it was "time for a change". I guess moving out of the house and starting college meant taking on a new identity. but I was in no way ready to give that up. if someone had changed their hair, I knew that it was code for "I needed a change" or "I'm going through a crisis". I made it a goal that no matter what crisis I went through, I would not touch my hair unless I needed to trim off some split ends.

fast forward to September of 2017. I was in my second year of college, and it was my first semester as a teaching major. I had a 4-hour class every day from 8-noon (most of the time, we would be observing classrooms in public schools all over Utah County, so thankfully, I was on my feet for most of the time). because I spent a lot of time off campus, my parents decided that it was not practical for me to share a car with my 16 year old brother anymore (I mean, it wasn't practical in the first place because I didn't live at home my freshman year either, but I spent a lot more time on campus and there was no parking in my dorm), so I now drove my own black Kia that I named Axl. I had a private room in a new apartment south of campus, and I did not know any of my roommates or anyone in my complex. a lot of my friends from my first year of college left on missions, and some of my older friends were coming home from their missions. a few of them ended up getting engaged reallllly fast after coming home. all of those were big changes for me. some were good changes, while others gave me major anxiety. I was closer to 20 than 19, and I was growing up. freak, I had students who were calling me "Miss Castle" and were treating me like I was a real teacher.

so, one day, while I was observing a 9th grade geography class at a junior high, I decided that this was the time. not only did I want a change, but I needed a change.

so, I texted one of my best friends from high school who was in hair school, and told her that I wanted more blonde in my hair, but I didn't know what I wanted. we discussed different options, and 2 days later, I got a subtle melt. it wasn't a major change, but my roots were definitely brunette and my ends were definitely blonde.

as cheesy as it sounds, changing my hair marked a lot of transitions in my life. a new major, a new apartment, a new ward, new friends, new classes, and new opportunities. I ended up teaching a review game to 3 different 11th grade US History classes. I taught a lesson about the Standard Oil Company to students in an alternative high school. once my teaching observation class was done (it was only half of the semester), I spent my mornings volunteering at a special needs preschool for part of a psychology assignment. I only needed 11 hours, but I loved it so much that I ended up doing a total between 30 and 40 hours. I developed relationships with these children that have taught me love, patience, and compassion in ways that I had never felt. not only am I learning to become a better teacher, I am learning to become a better person. and overall, I have become more confident.

change has always been hard for me. and I mean really hard. but I have learned that it is really important to get outside your comfort zone every now and then. and sometimes, in order to cope with everything, you need to do something fun, like changing your hair.

oh, and last week, when I went in to get my split ends trimmed, I got my color redone. this time I went a wee bit blonder, because a little change can, you know, be pretty fun.

(that strawberry was really delicious and juicy, in case you wanted to know)

generalized anxiety.

I have never wanted to admit it, but I am a perfectionist.

not in the way that I always had to get straight-A's on every assignment or else I would bribe my teachers with cookies in order to change that. not in the way that I always had to be 5 minutes early to every class. not in the way that I would be extremely disappointed in myself if I did not practice the piano for exactly 2 hours every day. in fact, when I thought I wanted to be a piano performance major (throwback to my junior and senior years of high school!), if I did practice 2 hours, I would celebrate by doing all these ridiculous wrist-relaxation exercises.

but yes, I am a perfectionist. but the standards of perfection are never set in stone. they are more like a moving target, set by me. I don't have to get a 90% on every assignment. That's unrealistic. what I mean is that if I don't think that I did well enough considering my effort, preparation, hard work, and/or natural abilities, then I did not do well enough. if I hit the snooze button too many times, was late to my 8:00 am econ class and missed the pop quiz, then I've failed. because I KNOW I can wake up on time. I've done it before. In order to get myself out of bed, I have to take morning classes. I've done it every semester of college. sure, I might mess up a few times, but HOLY FREAK IF IT IS ECON 110 AND THERE IS GOING TO BE A POP QUIZ RIGHT AT 8:00, THEN I CANNOT BE LATE AND WHEN I AM, OH BOY AM I SCREWED. 

or, in tennis, when I was on a hot streak and was making all my serves in and was beating the same girls in practice, but when it came time for challenge matches, I lost the match (AND my ranking), then I HAVE FAILED.

or, back when I thought I wanted to be a music major and participated in piano competitions. I could play all 15 pages of 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata memorized with few mistakes. but when it came to the sonata festival and I was being judged, I would forget a note, and instead of moving on like a normal person, I would freak out, start over, freak out because I started over, and struggle through the piece. THAT WAS THE WORST. I was only ever good enough to win the honorable mentions, let alone anything at all. and I was definitely not good enough to be a music major (that's a whole different story.)

I am a perfectionist. not only am I a perfectionist, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

 now, this shouldn't be hard for me to talk about! anxiety disorders are actually the most common class of psychological disorders in the United States. about 40 million other adults in the US have dealt with an anxiety disorder. I am not alone!

but here's the thing: I don't look like someone who has GAD. I'm an extrovert! I'm always finding ways to attend football and basketball games, church activities, or anything that involves friends and food! I go to my classes! I go to work! I have FRIENDS! I'm not afraid to share my opinion, speak up in class, ask for help, or stay under the radar. I'm satisfied with my personal appearance. I have a lot of talents. I AM CONFIDENT! so, based on all those attributes, I shouldn't even have an anxiety problem!

truth is, anxiety can affect anyone. it can affect introverts. it can affect extroverts. it can affect children, college students, parents, teachers, celebrities, athletes, Multi-Level Marketing distributors, ANYONE. and it affects me. just admitting that it affects me is a big step. because I'm a perfectionist, I like to think I have everything under control. when I don't, then it's unsettling. well, the simple thing would be to work on controlling the controllable.

problem is, I also have ADHD, which is probably one of the biggest contributors to my anxiety, besides perfectionism. I don't know if I'm going to be able to focus or not. I can do what I can control, such as take my medication, not waste time on social media, write things down, have a planner, etc. but sometimes, I'll remember that it's my friend's birthday and I'll call them and I'll end up talking for a few hours. THEN I'll remember that I need to go grocery shopping (and of course, I'll buy everything except what was on my list). oh wait. I have a test tomorrow. 

WHY. AM. I. LIKE. THIS.

then, I can either be clutch and study like crazy, try and be clutch and get distracted again, or try and be clutch but end up having an anxious breakdown because I wasn't clutch earlier.

see? it's super fun!

around last winter, in my second semester of college, I realized that I had a Problem with a capital P. I was a bucket of stress all the time. I was so worried about remembering to turn in assignments that my ADHD would come in clutch (again) and I'd forget, get a bad grade, tell myself to never do that again, but SPOILER ALERT, I'd do it again! and I did a hell of a lot of crying. there were too many things to remember, too many things to do, too many tests, too many basketball games, too many choir concerts, and I HAD TO DO WELL AT EVERYTHING!

thankfully, on BYU campus, there are free Counseling and Psychological Services. before, I never would have ever imagined I would see a therapist. oh no, I was too strong for that. I was an ADULT who could manage my OWN LIFE! but I was sane enough to realize that I needed help. so I went to see a therapist, who evaluated me for general anxiety disorder, and I had my physician do that as well. we talked about ways for me to manage my stress, and we talked about medication. initially, I did not want to take meds because I had been taking ADHD meds since I was 10 and I know from personal experience that if I go off those, I do not get anything done and I am a mess. thankfully, we were able to find something that would work with my other meds, and after a hell of a lot of patience and crying, I felt like I was able to (somewhat) manage my life again. of course, I'm not perfect. I still get anxious. I still mess up and forget to turn assignments in, get a less-than-desirable score, or not perform to my expectations. I still have breakdowns when there is too much on my plate, and yes, I still cry in my car sometimes! but THAT IS OKAY!

so, why am I telling you all this?

despite all efforts to end the stigma associated with anxiety, there are still certain stereotypes about it that I do not fit. because of this, I have been....anxious to talk about it to such a wide audience because I might not be taken seriously. one time, I was talking to one of my friends and I was just saying, "yeah, my anxiety always peaks at this point in the semester!" and another girl that I knew said, "Miriam, there are actually people who have anxiety disorders. there are people who take medication for anxiety. please don't use that term lightly."

(I'm pretty sure I just laughed and said, "oh, you have no idea!")

but I'm here to say that it is NOT a bad thing to have anxiety or any mental illness. I'm here to say that IT IS OKAY TO GET HELP! it is okay to admit that sometimes, you can get overly stressed about something and you just need a second to calm down and get your life back in order! and yes, even social extroverts like me have to cancel plans because we don't feel like we will be able to get anything done otherwise. and while I really hate doing that, it is important to take care of myself. there is no harm in doing that! PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND. 

If you ever feel overly anxious about anything, talk to someone about it. it can be a family member, a roommate, a friend, a teacher, a sibling, a therapist, or me. I have been a much healthier and happier person since I learned how to take care of myself and talk things out. and while writing this and posting it for all to see is a lot for me, I really hope it helps someone. because everyone deserves to feel love and support.

(and yes, I admit that I use Diet Coke as a stress reliever as well. no shame in that.)

"teacher, it's NOT a phase!"

IMAGINE THIS:

you are in second grade. you aren't even 8 years old yet. you are sitting at your desk, cutting each INDIVIDUAL LETTER of your spelling words out and gluing them to a piece of paper. sounds fun, right? this should be easy. I mean, these are easy spelling words, and there are only 5 of them. these aren't the crazy hard "advanced bonus spelling words" that your teacher makes you do because you're so smart. and since we are, you know, in second grade, we should be able to cut and glue the letters down without a problem, right?
except for whatever reason, you can spell the word "Fahrenheit" but you just CAN'T CUT OUT THE LETTERS OF THE WORD "cousin" AND GLUE C-O-U-S-I-N ON A PIECE OF PAPER. it exhausts your brain. but, since you are so smart, you are supposed to be done by now. this is embarrassing. how do you get out of this?
well, you already went to the bathroom an hour ago. but maybe, maybe you need to go again.
"Teacher, I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
"didn't you just go an hour ago?"
"I HAVE TO GO AGAIN! I have a really small bladder!"
".....okay. please hurry back. and PLEASE do not go again today."
you run outside the classroom. you run into the bathroom. the teacher was right. you didn't even need to go. but hey, you aren't cutting and pasting. then, somehow, you end up running a lap around the whole school. you come back in the classroom.
you try and cut and glue letters again, but UH-OH. you're stumped.
you just cut your whole paper to pieces and throw it away.
and for the 12th time, your teacher says, "I just don't understand how you are reading at a 4th grade level, but you just can't do this simple task."

fast-forward 12 years. you are in college. you like college because you are able to pick your own classes (for the most part) and what time you have them (for the most part). you are studying something that you actually enjoy, and you aren't cutting or gluing anything.
except, the one class you have to take to start your major classes is 4 hours long. every day.
and you can't miss anything, because it is all important information.
so you try and sit still and be mature and focused, but after 30 minutes in, you start to get restless.
1 hour: you are squirming and fidgeting in your seat, resembling the one 9th grade boy that your fellow teaching majors like to make fun of as being the "bad" kid.
2 hours: the teacher asks the class if they need a break. everyone gets a drink, runs to the bathroom. this, for you, is the best part of the class.
but shouldn't you be enjoying this? after all, this is the class you have to take to get into your major.
2.5 hours: you are ready for another break. nope. your teacher starts another powerpoint about the methods of teaching high school. THIS. IS. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. FUN!
3 hours: teacher asks if we need a break. then she answers her own question and says, "no, we don't have time."
3 hours 15 minutes: OH NO. you start kicking your desk.
3 hours 20 minutes: are you, an almost-20-year-old, throwing your pencil on the ground and picking it up again...on PURPOSE?
3 hours 25 minutes: you start talking to the person next to you. BUT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT CLASS DISCIPLINE, RIGHT?!
3.5 hours: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHSDFOIUSFDJLFSDJ:DFJLKFD J:
4 hours: your brain is fried. never mind the fact that you have 2 other classes. you are DONE. you will never graduate college. you will never become a teacher. you can't even sit still for 30 minutes.


and that, my friends, is how attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder works.
it's not "just a phase".
it's not an excuse for bad parenting.
it's not something you can, you know, outgrow.
and yes, it can still affect you as an adult.
but, I mean, besides the inability to sit still for long periods of time and pay attention, you are filled with high amounts of energy, so it doesn't completely suck.
and, as a teacher, it will help me better relate to my students.
I will never make them do tedious work, like cutting and gluing things all day.
so yes, I am very grateful for my ADHD.

let the extroverts be extroverts

for the longest time, I never understood how it was so hard for some people to just take initiative and start a conversation. sure, it wasn't the easiest thing for me, either, but I felt comfortable enough doing it that I felt like people expected me to do it 100% of the time.

I never understood why certain people never contributed anything to group discussions. I remember asking one of my friends why she wasn't sharing her opinion in a group meeting that she had shared with me in private. she said, "oh, because I don't like sharing. I figured you would do it."

I never understood why some people would rather just stay at home and watch TV instead of go to a football game.

and most of all, I never understood how hard it was for me to keep quiet. to not share my opinion. to stay under the radar. to blend in. 

and to be honest, it is still a hard concept for me to grasp. but what is even harder for me to understand is that some people think that because I am comfortable initiating conversations and leading discussions, that I am completely fine with doing it all the time. that I could care less what they think.

and that is not true at all.

I have seen many posts going around social media about how being an introvert among extroverts is exhausting and how introverts need to be understood more. and believe it or not, I can say the same thing about extroverts. and since you introverts are so good at listening to other people, I have something to say:

IF YOU WANT EXTROVERTS TO UNDERSTAND YOU, IT DOESN'T WORK UNLESS YOU PUT FORTH AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND THEM, TOO!

this doesn't mean that I think that the solution is for everyone to become less or more introverted/extroverted than we already are and be at a happy medium. I'm saying that we need both introverts and extroverts in this world. each has strengths and weaknesses that are crucial in working together. but I personally feel like there are several misconceptions about extroverts that need to be addressed. so without further ado...

common misconceptions about extroverts: by me, your favorite extrovert.

I have taken a few different forms of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I had to take a written version for my AP psychology class in high school, and I got ESTJ (extroverted-sensing-thinking-judging). when I started college, I wanted to see if I had changed since high school (because many people talk about how their personality changes every time they take the test), and I was still an ESTJ. finished my freshman year, still ESTJ. what's interesting is that all 4 of my letters are usually around or above 70%, which means my personality is pretty set. ok, last time I took it I was 69% judging, but that's the closest I've ever gotten to any other letter. and what's even more interesting is that my level of extroversion is always around 90% or higher. but I am a human being. in addition to being highly extroverted, I also have ADHD and sometimes, I can get over-stimulated and I need a little break from people. I need to sit down for maybe 5 minutes and go through everything I have to do, and then I can go back to being social again. but no matter how extroverted someone appears to be, at the end of the day, even we need our own down time. I just need less of it than you do. and when I have too much down time, I get restless.

I am the oldest in my family. I have 2 younger brothers and no sisters. I never shared a room growing up. because of this, I grew accustomed to having some privacy. but for me, that meant studying with my music on, reading out loud to myself, inviting a friend in my room to quiz me on terms that I needed to memorize for a test, taking a 10 minute power-nap, etc. when I wake up, I have to turn on loud music to get me motivated to get out the door. and sometimes, I really do need time to decompress, like I said in the last paragraph. so I do understand the value of personal space. however, I hate being completely ignored. my freshman year of college I moved into an apartment with 5 girls (remember, I only have brothers so living with the female gender for me is like living on a different planet) that I had never met. being the outgoing person that I am, I thought that at least one of them would click with me. guess what. none of them did. I was an extrovert living in an apartment full of introverts. I thought that because I have introverted friends, my roommates would come around sooner or later. and yes, some did, but some never did, even after living with me for 2 whole semesters. sharing a room with an introvert definitely taught me more about the value of personal space. it definitely helped me grow as a person. after we got to know each other, I really ended up liking my roommate a lot. there were also times where I felt like I couldn't be myself in my own apartment. I felt like every time I walked into the room that I shared just to grab my backpack or something, I had popped my roommate's personal bubble. I knew that I didn't have to be best friends with my roommates, but when I tried to get to know them, it felt painful at times. I genuinely was interested in finding out about them, but when I asked them questions, they would either give me one-word answers or not respond at all. I felt like I couldn't even talk without getting glared at for disturbing the peace. but what was extremely difficult was watching them all click with each other but not with me. I was the extrovert here! I am supposed to be the expert at making friends! but I wasn't, and it hurt. 

if you want to make friends, there has to be a mutual understanding. 

there has to be compromise. if I am talking to you and genuinely trying to get to know you, you don't have to tell me your whole life story. but just try and make an effort. if it seems like I am taking over a whole conversation, it is likely because no one else is contributing and I feel awkward. 

I've heard people say that "people who talk a lot like people who listen a lot". yes, this is true. but it has to be a two-way street. I suck at analogies, but here is one: I play tennis. sure, there are ways to practice tennis by yourself, but the whole game is about hitting the ball back and forth over the net. the only way to practice this is either against a wall, or with another person. if only one person is returning the shots while the other one just stands on the other side of the net and observes, nothing is accomplished. if we take turns and focus on keeping the ball in play, both people are able to learn consistency. but if I just go for winners every time and only hit kill shots, preventing my opponent from even touching the ball, then I did everything and they did nothing. and I do not like that. if I'm doing all the talking, I learn nothing about the other person. if I do all the listening, they learn nothing about me. and in the end, no one grows. 

another misconception is that extroverts aren't sincere. I guess the fact that we will talk to anyone and the fact that we tend to have large groups of friends doesn't make us genuine? WRONG. I am a very honest, sincere person. when I give compliments, I mean them. my love language is words of affirmation, meaning that I show my love through verbal support. in turn, it means a lot when people take the time out of their day to say hi, have a conversation with me, or give me a compliment. WE DON'T ALWAYS TALK JUST TO TALK! in fact, let's go back to the basics that I learned in my high school psychology class:

an extrovert is one who gets energy from being around people. keeping all their thoughts and emotions inside is more stressful for them, and they release it by talking or being active. this doesn't mean that they have no concept of personal space, but they feel better when they are being socially active.

an introvert is one who gets energy from being alone. when they are by themselves, they can process their thoughts and emotions easier than they can when they are around other people. they also tend to prefer to express themselves through writing than verbally. this doesn't mean that they hate being around people or that they are too shy to make friends. this just means that they need more down time.

and of course, there are exceptions, but if extroverts truly didn't enjoy talking to people and being around them, THEN WE WOULD ALL BE INTROVERTS. case closed.

I admit, both extroverts and introverts have their weaknesses. yes, I can be pretty loud and energetic and I can see how it can overwhelm people. I am known for being blunt and insensitive. I don't fly under the radar. I like to take charge, but I hate being told what to do. I am very self-confident, but that can be mistaken as arrogance. and I admit, sometimes I can be a bit arrogant. but sometimes I feel like introverts can be a bit arrogant because they pride themselves in being quiet, independent, deep thinkers who don't need friends. and maybe for some people, that's true. but the way to understand people is to give them a chance. I've had many people tell me, "when I first met you, you came off a bit strong and overwhelming. but now that I've gotten to know you, I know that you are genuinely interested in getting to know people, you are confident in yourself and want others to be confident too, and you are a great friend. I'm glad I gave you a chance instead of allowing myself to be scared or intimidated by you." again, GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE.

finally, think about how it makes you feel when someone says, "be more outgoing!" or "don't be afraid to speak up!" or "just go out and make more friends!" 

now, is it any different from "just be less noisy!" or "no one cares, just shut up!" or "you should spend more time studying and less time partying!" or "just try blending in for once!" 

no. it's not.

not all extroverts are scary. not all introverts are socially awkward. if you want to be understood, make sure you are also making an effort to understand those around you. the more we learn about each other, the more we grow.

PS BYU FOOTBALL STARTS ON SATURDAY. if you need me, I'll be at the game. if you're staying home to binge-watch Netflix, I truly hope you have a good time.

"be nice. be good."

It's 2017.
Be nice.
Be good.

— Harry Styles. (@Harry_Styles) January 1, 2017

I know it's a bit late to talk about New Year's resolutions and all that jazz, but this is something I've been working on this year. something I've noticed since I moved out of my family's house and on-campus is that it requires a lot more effort to be nice. In my family, we would talk about our day at the dinner table, because we would try to have family dinner as much as we could. we had to give a report on how we were doing in school, and we would either get lectured or we would get advice. we were also encouraged to talk about what's working in our life and what isn't. because my family was so open at the dinner table, we learned a lot of life lessons. we learned how to treat people the way they want to be treated. (for example, I love being around people and I would be fine if someone invited me to a football game and went to In-N-Out afterward, but other people might not be as social and would like to be left alone, and would appreciate kind words at most.) we learned the nicest way to say things but still get the point across, and if we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say it at all. now, I'm a bit more blunt and straightforward, so I often speak the truth, even if it isn't nice. I've been working on stating my opinions in a nicer way and not hurting other peoples' feelings. but I have learned a lot from these dinner table conversations, and they have helped me be a nicer person.

but I learned that not everyone grew up with consistent family dinners and life lessons at the dinner table. and it was a bit of a surprise to me, especially when I entered college. I've heard all these high schoolers complain about how everyone is so immature in high school and how they can't wait to get to college where everyone magically is 100x more mature because they moved on in their schooling.

and sorry bud, but that doesn't happen. and I was kinda shocked to find out that it doesn't. so I'm just warning you here.

I've met good people, and I've met not-so-good people. I've met people who love my outgoing personality, and I've met people who hate it. I've met people who love my music taste, and I've met people who think it's too weird and old-fashioned. I've met people who say they admire my authenticity and I've met people who just can't understand why I don't fit the cultural norms. I've met people who think I'm smart and have an interesting perspective, and I've met people who think I'm stupid and ignorant just because I lean a little more to the right on the political spectrum (and I've also met people who think those who lean a little more to the left are also automatically stupid and ignorant). I've met people who think I'm hilarious and I've met people who think I'm rude, self-centered, and that I need to be quiet. and yes, I know that I can't please everyone, but I wasn't expecting this many people to be displeased. 

these experiences have made me think about myself and what changes I need to make. no, these are not changes I am making to please them. these are changes I am making to benefit myself. I am looking at their not-so-good examples and learning from them. they are a good reminder to me of how I should and shouldn't treat others. it has also helped me realize that my bluntness can go a wee bit too far, and that I should hold back.

for example, I appreciate honesty. but which sounds better:
"hey, I'm trying to study right now, so could you please go in the kitchen? thank you!" or "how many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?! I literally have to restrain myself from telling you to shut up all the time. why don't you understand that not everyone wants to talk to you?"
"could you please put your dishes away?" or "why do you always leave your dishes out on the counter?! quit expecting others to take care of you!"
"That's an interesting perspective. I disagree with you, but now I feel like I understand why you have the views that you do! This is how I think about it" or "You are wrong. You obviously don't know anything about how the world works, or how it feels to be a minority. You are so ignorant, I can't believe that you are even in college."
"I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift. I prefer classic rock and alternative music, but I know that not everyone likes that, either!" or "Taylor Swift sucks, I can't believe you listen to that trash."

(DISCLAIMER: some of these bad examples are based off things other people have said to me, while others are based off things I have actually said myself. we are all learning!)

see? there is always a better way of saying things. and yes, it can be hard, and yes, I admit I have said the words "Taylor Swift sucks" on more than one occasion, and it's not fair if I am allowed to say that but that you aren't allowed to criticize Bohemian Rhapsody. I'm human. I'm trying.
(except I really don't like Taylor Swift.)

but instead of focusing on all the negative things about other people, we should try and look for the good. in the words of Queen and David Bowie, "why can't we give ourselves one more chance? why can't we give love one more chance?!" we can always give ourselves the chance to love. if you want to be a happier person, then be nice. be good. like I said, you're not going to please everyone, but you will make a lot more friends that way. and if you make others feel good, you will likely feel better about yourself!

yesterday was Easter, and I have learned a lot about the Easter story and about Jesus Christ in my New Testament class this semester. I've noticed at Christmastime how being kind and serving others is emphasized so that we can remember the true meaning, but Jesus gave us the greatest gift of all when he died for us- so that we can repent from our sins and be with our families for all eternity! I feel like He would want us to focus on being kind all year instead of just in December. and I'm not saying I'm a perfect example of this. I mean, I just said Taylor Swift sucks 2 paragraphs ago. and I know that people might freak out a little bit because trying to be Christlike is hard, so I'm not saying we have to be perfect. but all of us: you, me, your siblings, my siblings, your parents, my parents, your friends, my friends, Donald Trump, college basketball refs, BYU fans, Utah fans, and even the classiest people like Roger Federer can all try just a wee bit harder to be more kind and loving!

so let's give love one more chance.
let's be nice. let's be good.

(and if you really want to be good, listen to this live performance of Harry Styles singing "Sign of the Times". he sounds so different than when he was in One Direction, and I'm loving it. this is coming from someone who mostly listens to classic rock and alternative music. HARRY STYLES IS TALENTED OK?!)

on taking care of yourself and getting help

over the years, I have seen many inspiring posts on social media about personal experiences with mental illness or psychological disorders. I always love reading these posts because it takes a lot of bravery to talk about personal struggles, especially those of mental illness. and believe me, I know how hard it is to talk about it. I still am not completely comfortable using the term "mental illness" to describe myself. I prefer the term "psychological disorder" because I don't like to think of myself as "sick" or "ill", I feel better looking it as something "out of order". and speaking of disorders, I have 3:

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD),
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD),
and
seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

I've generally been open about my ADHD. for one thing, it's the most obvious. if you've ever read my blog and noticed how my thoughts jump from one thing to another in no organizational manner whatsoever, this shouldn't surprise you. and I mean, it's even more obvious when you try and have a conversation with me. if I say anything witty or funny at just the right time, just know I didn't spend any time thinking of it. it just came out. that's how my ADHD works, and it can be pretty fun. but it's not fun when I forget what I'm talking about mid sentence, or when I so very courteously interrupt in the middle of a story. or when I'm making dinner, but I forget that I'm making dinner and I remember that my laundry is done, and then on my way to get my laundry, I forget where I'm going and I grab a Diet Coke, and then I come back to my food, and my pasta is boiling over. now, I know this happens to everyone occasionally, but it happens to me a lot. but the point is that I've dealt with ADHD for a long time; I'm the most familiar with it, and it's not hard to notice it, so I can literally say "I have ADHD" to someone and they will usually be like, "oh ya, so that's why you do (any of my ADHD traits)!" and I'm just like "yep!"

but sometimes, it's hard to really talk about it. yes, I can casually mention that I deal with it, or make a joke about it, and people will understand (or pretend to). but when I was a junior in high school, I had to make a presentation about it for my psychology class, and it was hard talking about it in front of all those people. then when I was a senior and took AP psychology, I had to do another presentation about it, but this time I had to do a "case study". and that case study, of course, was me. (and to be honest, it was kinda weird.)

so, after my incredibly long introduction, here is my story. it's not inspirational like all the other posts about mental health, because...ya know. it's me, raw and unfiltered.

I can't remember any time of my life where I haven't made a stupid impulsive decision, or spoke my mind and hurt someone's feelings without meaning to. my parents thought it was "just a phase" and that I would learn not to walk up to people on the playground and take their shovel away that they were digging in the sandbox with. I would mature and learn not to blurt out the first answer that popped into my head in class. but in second grade, my teacher noticed that I had to go to the bathroom a lot, and by a lot, I mean like 4-5 times a day, I would ask to be excused. most of the time, I wouldn't even have to go. I was just tired of sitting in class all day, so when I asked to go to the bathroom, it gave me the opportunity to MOVE. but around this time, I was starting to have stomach aches and be nervous about lots of things that 8 year olds aren't normally nervous about. and I won't go into detail here, because it's pointless and I don't want to talk about it, but they were stupid things. so my parents started to think that I had anxiety, but hoped it was still a phase.

in fourth grade, however, I was still as impulsive as ever and got sent to the principal's office on 3 different occasions, but the only story worth telling is the time I chucked a ball at this girl's face and yelled "BULLSEYE!" and didn't apologize. why I did it, I don't even know. but my parents weren't as concerned about this as they were about my anxiety. I was afraid of so many things that it was making everyday life hard for me. so they took me to see a counselor. but they didn't tell me why I was going to see a counselor, and I was frustrated with them. why did I have to talk to this dude once a week about my life, my motives, and what made me scared? it wasn't helping. and then, I got a diagnosis. it wasn't anxiety, but it was what I thought was "80-HD", like some kind of new TV screen.

(now, imagine how shocked I was when I learned that it meant that I just had a really hard time focusing like a normal person, and that I do stupid impulsive things like throw balls at peoples' faces for no apparent reason.)

long story short, I was medicated and I still had anxiety, but after switching ADHD meds and maturing, the anxiety lessened. I mean, it was still there, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be. or, I just ignored it.

all during this time, I was a lot grumpier in the wintertime. I didn't get excited for Christmas like normal people did, and it wasn't because I hate presents and Christmas music and Jesus's birth, the only 2 reasons I could think of were: all you do is sleep all day, and winter sucks and it's a miserable time. I was more tired, I was less motivated, I had more headaches, I was more anxious, and I cried more. when I was in high school, I got diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which made total sense as to why I was a lot more SAD (hahahahaha GET IT?!) during the winter, and that it was correlated with the lack of sunlight I was receiving. I was told to spend more time around light, take Vitamin D supplements, and exercise regularly.

back to the rest of the story. I took psychology my junior year of high school, and when we learned about anxiety, I felt grateful to know that that part of my life was over. or so I thought. I had unexplained chronic muscle tension, I was a lazy perfectionist (but a perfectionist nonetheless), I always had to drive myself to activities because I was worried that my friends would either be late or forget to give me a ride (or that they would get lost), I hated making plans with other people because I had to know exactly what we were doing and when, and if I ever thought about all the things I needed to do, I would sometimes have a nervous breakdown and just avoid doing it. I wasn't adjusting well to change. whether I liked it or not, the anxiety was back.

but I still told myself that it was no big deal. nothing was a big deal. I'm just a regular person on ADHD medication who also has anxiety and seasonal depression but can manage it by myself. I kept on telling myself that everything was fine. I didn't want help. my father always told me to be tough, and if I were to ask anyone for help, I didn't feel like I was being tough. and since I was going to college, I needed to be an adult. I wasn't living with my parents anymore, and I needed to take care of myself. I told myself that all these feelings of anxiety and emotional breakdowns would go away once I started college.

guess what? THEY DIDN'T! I was still having breakdowns! almost every time I would go home and talk to my mom, I would just cry and not want to go back to my apartment, but I had to. things started looking up once I changed my major, but then I entered one of the coldest, snowiest, darkest, most miserable Januaries I had ever experienced, and the seasonal depression took a nose dive. I was having a hard time motivating myself to do anything, and even though my life was going pretty well, I was just sad. finally, I called my doctor and set up an appointment. I ended up getting a special "happy light" that specifically helps with SAD, a stronger prescription of Vitamin-D supplements, and (finally) a real diagnosis for GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder.

at first, I was really upset because this meant more meds and it was suggested that I start seeing a therapist to manage the anxiety. and during this whole time, I told myself that I didn't need a therapist, I was strong enough. but then, I realized.

I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

and in some situations, taking anxiety medication and going to a therapist is taking care of myself.

this doesn't mean that I'm not strong enough to manage myself. this doesn't mean that I'm not mentally or emotionally capable of managing myself. because I am still managing myself. I just need to take medication to do that, and by going to a therapist, I can learn even more about managing my anxiety, which will only help me later in life.

and the fact that I'm doing all this at age 19 is actually pretty incredible. I am so grateful that I am learning this now instead of waiting until later in life when I'm even more stressed out.

so, if you read the whole thing, congrats. I'm sorry, this was long. and yes, my ADHD meds wore off and I started rambling and getting off-topic, but expect nothing less.

but, if you are feeling anxious enough that you don't think you can control it, GET HELP.

if you are feeling depressed enough that you don't think you can motivate yourself on your own every day, GET HELP.

if you are CONSISTENTLY (I said consistently) having trouble focusing and getting anything done, making stupid impulsive decisions, and/or are not able to sit still during class and need to take a break and run around the building every day, GET HELP.

there is NOTHING embarrassing about it. it's a good thing. it means that you are taking care of yourself.

I am definitely not perfect, nor will I ever be. I will always have ADHD, GAD, and SAD. and it is hard to accept, but it is definitely manageable. and holy crap, I am grateful for medication. I am grateful for doctors. I am grateful for Vitamin D. I am grateful for therapists. I am grateful that I have all these resources to help me TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

(also, go read this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

LOVE YOU ALL.

the day I would've auditioned.

today I had to wake up earlier than usual on a Saturday. I had to watch a movie for my history class that morning, so I woke up, showered, got dressed, ate a protein bar, and walked from my apartment to the Joseph F. Smith Building, the building in which I will be spending most of my remaining semesters of college in. it is the headquarters of the College of Family, Home and Social Sciences. I enjoyed the movie. It was about Sir Thomas More who refused to annul King Henry VIII's first marriage and said the King could not be the head of the church. after the movie, I walked back to my apartment. but as I walked past the HFAC, the building where all the music, dance, theater, and other fine arts majors live in, I noticed a lot of young looking people were walking in and out. many of them were with their families, and a lot of them looked terrified.

I then remembered that it was the last Saturday in January.

the day when all School of Music applicants who passed the pre-screening round get to perform their full audition in front of judges. this day determines the future of music majors, and it is a scary one.

and then I thought, "this could have been me today."

this is my second year in a row avoiding the fateful "last Saturday of January". I have applied to the BYU school of music 2 years in a row, for 2 different programs, and I got rejected the first round both times. meaning they looked at my application, watched my prescreening video (piano performance) and listened to my portfolio (commercial music/production), and weren't impressed enough to let me advance to the live audition round. it's the fate that most BYU School of Music applicants face the first time. and to be honest, I expected it both times. and to be honest, I was pretty relieved when I got the email saying that "unfortunately, we were not able to accept you into any of our programs this time. Please consider reapplying again in the future."

the first time, I cried a bit. not because I wanted to get into the piano performance program and that it broke my heart, but because I spent all my free time practicing the piano, getting wrist tension, practicing even more because "1-2 hours a day isn't going to cut it when you're a music major, you will need to find time for at least 4 hours a day", wanting to be done because I felt like I was doing a good job, but "not good enough to make the performance program at BYU, where people really spend all their free time practicing at least 4 hours a day already". and I had really started to hate the piano. but it was too late to hate the piano. I had decided at the beginning of high school that I wanted to be a music major, and I couldn't just stop the application process. but I was sad because I wish I had realized sooner that I just wasn't cut out to be a performance major. my ADHD and well-roundedness would not allow me to sit in a cramped practice room for 4+ hours every day AND do homework in my free time AND have friends. my fingers and wrists are a lot smaller than the average piano performance major, and going too fast can lead to tendinitis. but the problem was, I had played piano for so long that I didn't know what else I would major in. I didn't like anything else enough to devote my entire college experience to it. so I cried for about 2 minutes, not because of disappointment, but because of regret. all those hours I spent practicing for an audition that I didn't even want to do could've been spent doing what regular high school seniors were doing, like going to football and basketball games, hanging out with friends, and figuring out what else I like to do besides play piano and play tennis (and you can't major in recreational tennis).

then, I heard about the commercial music and production program, and I was excited about it. this program sounded a lot more relaxed than the piano performance program. in fact, as far as I knew, I would only have to play piano for my audition to prove that I was accomplished at a musical instrument. I would be learning how to produce music, write songs, be a sound engineer, and maybe produce something halfway as iconic as Bohemian Rhapsody. (that song was part of the reason I chose that major.) I met once a week with my mom's friend, Becky, to learn how to produce music. and that part was awesome. Becky is awesome. Becky knows her crap. she knows about all kinds of music, and I'm pretty sure I listen to music a lot differently now than I did before I started working with her. we worked on recording and producing a portfolio for me. one original song and 2 covers, all different arrangements. that part was fun. but then, I learned more about the program. and it was déjà vu. didn't know I was still expected to practice piano at least 20 hours a week in order to get into (and stay in) the program. and I was taking piano lessons my first semester, and I only had time to practice 3 hours a week, tops. AND they reject most of the people who apply. and I was only learning how to produce music. the people who were getting accepted were those who had been working on it for YEARS. those who had been playing with GarageBand since 4th grade. not a girl who literally learned how to synthesize with a MIDI keyboard 3 months ago. and I wished that I had started it a lot earlier. but this was something I was excited to learn about. but I hadn't learned enough. and then I realized that most music majors don't graduate in 4 years. it takes about 5-6, even without serving a mission. and I didn't want to be in college for 6 years, taking 1 credit classes that I probably wouldn't even enjoy, and practicing piano 20 hours a week.

about halfway through my first semester at BYU, I had a "major crisis". I just didn't know if being a music major was very realistic, but I didn't know what else I would do. I had already put in so much work, and I couldn't let it go to waste. I still had to apply. but what would I do if I got in? didn't get in? and how would I explain this to people? I tried to talk about my frustration with my friends and family, but a lot of people said, "well, you're so musically talented, I don't know how they wouldn't accept you." thank you, but THIS DOES NOT HELP. then I would have to explain just how competitive the BYU school of music actually is, and believe it or not, there are 14 people who are more talented than me. 14 more people who work harder than I do. this isn't saying I don't work hard- I do. but just not music major level hard.
"but if you love something so much, why can't you make it your whole life?" because I wasn't sure if I even loved music that much. in fact, there were points when I didn't think I loved music at all.
"but you can always try out again! third time's the charm, right?"
not for someone who wants to GRADUATE IN A TIMELY MANNER.
"but most freshmen don't even have a major picked out!" I AM NOT MOST FRESHMEN. I am getting my degree IN FOUR YEARS. and I don't want to spend more money on school than I have to. college is expensive, and even though my parents are helping me out a lot, I don't want to spend more than I have to. especially if I do get into the School of Music, and then realize that I hate being a music major.
and my personal favorite: "well, why didn't you start earlier?" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I wasn't raised in a nazi music family. my parents wanted all of their children to have some piano experience so that they could play the hymns in church. I just happened to be really good at it, so I kept taking lessons all through high school, and I loved playing classical music. but it wasn't my life. I also played tennis, and during tennis season, I probably spent at least twice as much time playing tennis as I did practicing. and no, I definitely wasn't good enough to play in college, but it was a hobby that I loved. it distracted me from piano and school and real life. it felt good to run around and hit things. just typing this makes me nostalgic. but I was one of those people who was good at everything but the best at nothing. I just had too many hobbies and interests.

and I realized, to be a music major, you have to be good at music AND ONLY MUSIC (ok, that's not completely true, but you have to be 110% devoted). you have to live, breathe, and sleep piano/music production. and there's no rule for this, but it is highly preferable that you don't have ADHD.
whoops.
back to my first semester of college. I was pretty upset. why did I have to go through the School of Music application twice? let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more inadequate than that application. and they still saved my letters of recommendation for piano performance. I thought I would be able to redeem myself, but nope. much like the piano performance application process, I felt very unsettled, and I prayed to know what to do, but I still felt unsettled. but this time, I was even more angry. when I first decided I wanted to do commercial music, I felt GOOD about it. I felt HAPPY. but now, I am feeling unsettled again. why do I have to go through this twice? it sucked enough the first time. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I had other alternatives, but none of them felt right, and I still had to turn in the application. and that was just weird, because I hoped they would like it, and I tried my best, but I knew that there was a 99% chance I wouldn't get in. I wasn't being pessimistic, I was being realistic. the school of music audition process is grueling. even people who get accepted would agree with me. and if not, then your life isn't hard enough.

I was having a really tough time overall during that semester. all my friends were either on missions, in high school, or turning in their mission papers. sure, I had other friends, but...in college, everyone is busy, and they make new friends, and I was supposed to make new friends, but it was HARD. I am the only girl in my family, and living with 5 other girls is just about as different from living with 2 brothers +20 of their friends can get (plus, I didn't know any of my roommates prior to moving in, and they were all pretty quiet and reserved). I failed my first midterm exam, and I couldn't remember failing any test that wasn't in geometry or pre-calculus. to sum it all up, one of my dear teammates, Annie, wrote me this from her mission:
"I'm not gonna lie to you, my fall semester was hard and I had a little bit of an identity crisis. I guess I had just hung out with the same group of people my whole life and then I was thrown into a mass of friends who didn't know me and I kinda forgot who I was. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Remember how awesome and cute and involved you were in high school? Be like that in college. I was that stupid freshman in college who walked around with her headphones in and was too nervous to look around and be friends with people. don't be like me. Be fun, crazy, exciting, smart charismatic Merm and love every second of college." 
sorry, Annie, but that happened to me. I had an identity crisis. but then I figured that it was a normal thing. I realized that most people I talked to were either undeclared, or they were "PRE-nursing", "PRE-management", "PRE-music", etc. I was surprised that it was a normal thing for a freshman to be unconfident about their major. I have anxiety and one of the things that scares me the most is uncertainty. I couldn't be that "undeclared" major. I had to know what I was doing ALL THE TIME. but I wasn't. and I was scared. 

but somewhere in that first semester, I thought about other things I liked to do. I thought about my strengths and weaknesses. I am an extrovert. I would rather be around people all day than in a recording studio or a practice room. I am strong-willed, and I don't like being told what to do all the time (and to be in the music industry, you have to kiss up to a lot of people). I taught piano in high school, and I loved helping those students learn how to play. I was pretty firm with them and didn't tolerate their "I was too busy playing video games" excuses. my favorite classes in high school were not the music classes I took, but history, geography, and psychology. I TAed for an AP world history class my junior year in high school, and I loved helping the students, grading their papers, and I might've been a bit too blunt with them, but I realized how much I loved history.
and I decided that I would make a freaking good teacher.
I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that if I didn't get accepted into the school of music, I could change my major to history teaching. I told my friends about my plans, and they were all very supportive and told me that I would make a freaking good teacher. I told my favorite teacher from high school, my AP world history one, and she got so excited that I would be doing the same thing. and for the first time in college, I felt confident in myself and my future.

the first Tuesday of January 2017, I got my rejection email from the school of music.
I read it, yelled out "HELL YEAH! I AM FREE!" and submitted a request to change my major.

I am currently a social science teaching pre-major at BYU. this means I can teach geography, economics, maybe government (not sure), psychology, and HISTORY. next semester, I will get fingerprinted and background checked and do a teaching observation class, and then I will OFFICIALLY be a teaching major. I get to take classes like anthropology, abnormal psychology, economics, United States history, ancient civilizations, and all these other classes that I wouldn't have had time for had I been a music major. I am a lot happier than I have been since I started college. I have learned that it's ok if I don't know what I'm doing all the time, and that IT IS NORMAL to go through an identity crisis. it is all part of growing up. and boy, is it tough, but it's good for you. even though I initially felt regret after applying to be a music major, it has taught me so much. it taught me that it's okay to change your mind, and that in the moment, I won't always know what's best for me. I have to rely on faith in the gospel that everything will work out, even if it isn't in the way I expect it to. and not only do I have a greater appreciation for music majors and all the hard work they do, I have a huge appreciation for teachers as well. and believe me, I wouldn't have learned any of it had I gone into college as a declared teaching major.

and most of all, I am so grateful that I wasn't one of those petrified girls walking in and out of the HFAC on audition today, and that I was watching A Man for All Seasons instead.

from a girl who isn't serving a mission

I have wanted to write about this for a long time. I even wrote an op-ed about this for my writing class, but instead of sharing it in a formal essay form, I want to share this in something more relatable, something more....straight from Merm's honest heart. so, before I get to the point, here's what I have to say first: 1. this is very personal to me, and your experience may be completely different from mine. I respect that, and I support that. 2. not everyone in Provo or in the LDS church is like this, so PLEASE don't judge a whole religion or community based off what some people have said to me. there have been many people who have been very supportive of me, and I would like to thank them. and 3. please, PLEASE be kind to everyone, regardless of whether they choose to serve a mission or not.

I've spent about 13 or 14 years of my life in Provo, Utah. lots of mountains, lots of snow, lots of road construction, and definitely lots of Mormons. to some outsiders, we aren't considered "real" Mormons because we have release time seminary, "everyone" is modest (except I got dress coded at a BYU party for the length of my shorts), there aren't any "real" temptations, and no one is going to question you for serving a 1.5 or 2 year mission.

but, they will question you if you don't. 

many of you are probably already asking "but why don't you want to serve a mission?" believe me. I've been asked that question just as much as I've been asked "are you planning on serving a mission?" before I answer this question, think about it. if it was the other way around, and I was planning on serving a mission, would you ask me "why are you going on a mission?" no. you probably wouldn't. you would probably just congratulate me and ask more mission related questions. so I think this is an extremely stupid question, but here is my answer.

as people sometimes forget, girls can choose whether or not they go on missions. if you don't believe me, President Thomas S. Monson said it himself when he announced the missionary age change. I don't feel like I need to serve a mission. I don't have the strong desire to serve a mission. News flash: not everyone has the desire to serve a mission. and that is perfectly fine. for me, I still don't exactly understand why I don't have the same desire as many of my friends do, but I do know that I've always wanted to get a college degree. yes, it is possible to get a degree and serve a mission, but for me, once I start something, I have to finish it. I have ADHD and anxiety, which both act up x10 when I have to adjust to a new change. I wouldn't be as motivated to go back to school because I would have to adjust to the routine again, which is NOT EASY FOR ME. yes, I know people with ADHD and anxiety who have served missions, but they would all agree that it is extremely challenging.

but even though I knew what I wanted to do, I would have friends and church leaders encourage me to pray about it more and tell me, "but you have such a strong testimony, and people need to hear it!" or "you are so good at talking to people!" or, my personal favorite, "I'm going on a mission, and all of our other friends are going, so why would you want to leave yourself out?" and then, I started to question myself. I started to think more about serving a mission, which of course, gave me anxiety, and whenever I thought about not serving, I felt better. but I didn't understand. I wanted to be accepted, but I just couldn't be honest. whenever people would ask me the question, I would say "I'm thinking about it" or "...yeah!" but it didn't feel good. finally, I asked myself why I was considering a mission, and these were the reasons:
everyone else is going. I'm feeling pressured by all my friends. serving a mission is a good thing. If I don't go, I'll feel left out. everyone else is going. it's the thing to do in Provo.

and THOSE ARE NOT GOOD REASONS. if anyone is considering serving a mission and these are the only reasons they can come up with, then pray about it, and if those are still the only reasons you have, THEN DON'T GO! serve a mission because you want to. serve a mission because you prayed about it, and you got a confirmation that it is the right thing to do. serve a mission because you want to help people learn about the gospel, despite all the challenges you will face. serve a mission because you will accept ANY place you get called to, no matter how hard the language is, how poor the country is, how weird the culture is, how gross the food is, or how "exotic" it is. serve a mission if that is what the Lord wants you to do, not what your friends, parents, or church leaders want you to do!

that being said, I have a HUGE respect for people who serve missions. both of my parents served, my dad in Okinawa Japan (now part of the Fukuoka mission, and Japanese speaking, obviously) and my mom in Houston, Texas, Spanish speaking. many of my friends either have served, are currently serving, or are preparing to serve, and what they have to go through is NOT easy. one of my best friends is serving in Ukraine, where people complain and drink vodka all the time and have a hard time understanding that there is a God who loves them. in Japan and other Asian countries, people would rather keep on worshipping their ancestors or forms of nature. and even English-speaking missions here in the United States, people just don't want to listen to you. you can't choose your companions, and I've heard many horror stories about bad companions. and to top off all that, it is a completely different environment than every day life. so anyone who is willing to do that and can last even just a few weeks is an absolute SAINT. it takes a lot of courage, strength, and perseverance, and I admire that. I don't have to serve a mission to be able to appreciate all that the missionaries do.

but deciding NOT to serve a mission also takes a lot of courage. I have been questioned, criticized, judged, and treated differently than I would have been if I had just done what everyone else did and said I was going on a mission. I have had people question my testimony, faith, and gospel standards. I have had people try and convince me to change my mind because "I didn't know if I wanted to go, but I did, and I loved it, so you will too!" none of this has been easy for me, and it wasn't until halfway through my senior year that I could feel confident when I said, "no, I'm not planning on a mission." I have had to learn patience and that most of these people have good intentions, they just don't understand that what the Lord wants me to do is different from what the Lord wants them to do.

to girls (and boys) who have served/are going on missions: my testimony isn't any weaker than yours, nor is yours any stronger than mine. the Lord has a unique plan for all of us: some people want to serve but don't end up going, some people don't want to serve but do end up going, and some people know what they want, and they do it. I love the gospel so much, but I can share it with others just by being an example to them and helping them make good choices. my mission is not to serve one. and that's okay. if the Lord wanted every girl to serve a mission, then the prophet would've said something. but he didn't. congrats for going on a mission, and I support you 100% for doing that. and I hope you will be able to support me for serving in a different way.

to girls (and boys) who are NOT serving missions: BE CONFIDENT. I know that there are many others in the same boat as me, but I don't know who you are. because either everyone is going on a mission, or they are too scared to say that they aren't. DON'T BE. because there are many other people who feel the same way, and they don't want to feel alone. you aren't any better or worse than those who have or are serving missions. so please, PLEASE be confident in your decision. it took me a while to get there, but it has made me feel a lot better about my decision not to serve.

and the bottom line? the Lord loves all of you. I know this because He has a different plan for each and every individual, instead of treating us all the same. He knows us and loves us, regardless of whether we serve a mission or not. and He would want us to love and support everyone as well.

the church is true. have a great day!

to be quite honest, college is scary.

to be completely honest, I have no problem with being completely honest. one of my favorite teachers wrote in one of my yearbooks, "you are honest to a fault". when asking for opinions, many of my friends come to me because they know that even though it may not be what they want to hear, I'm giving them the straight-up truth. I have no problem with sharing my opinions, I'm pretty open about my feelings, and I don't pretend to enjoy things that I don't. for example, I was talking with one of my roommates last night about musical preferences, and she said, "I love Taylor Swift." instead of giving the hesitant "yeah....me too!", I straight up said, "that's cool. I don't." I know, it probably isn't the best way to make friends with your roommate who you only met an hour ago, but that's just the way I am. Of course, I don't like to offend people with my honesty, nor do I ever mean to, but for me, it's easier to just directly say "I don't like Taylor Swift" instead of indirectly say that she's not my favorite, because some people interpret that as, "it's not her favorite, but she never said she doesn't like it, so she doesn't care if we listen to Taylor Swift together."

why is this even relevant to anything I'm talking about? well, I'm just trying to prove a point that everything I put on here isn't anything far from the truth.

I have always been pretty self-confident. maybe a little too self-confident at times, which I have learned from. but it's just not in my nature to pretend to be unconfident, because while I don't really care for Demi Lovato's music, she said it: "what's wrong with being confident?" I may come off as cocky to some people, but when people would ask "are you ready for (tennis match/ concert/ test/ recital/ other important event)?", I wasn't going to say, "no, I'm gonna mess up so bad and I suck at everything and I'm not ready!" because if I say that, I might start to believe myself. even though it's looked at as more "humble" to act nervous, I'd rather be honest than humble.

that being said, when I say I am completely nervous and NOT READY for college to start, then that means that I am actually telling the truth instead of trying to be humble. because as much as I would like to be confident about starting school and all these changes, I am not. 

first off, I have ADHD and even though I got a good ACT score and did pretty well in my AP classes in high school, COLLEGE IS DIFFERENT. I have to change my study habits and not wing things and hope for the best and not get distracted and actually learn how to focus because I am determined not to fail my first semester. so even though I was clutch in high school, I have to learn how to be clutch in college. and if I want to graduate in 4 years, then I HAVE TO BE CLUTCH. but I'm pretty sure that almost every college student is a bit scared for this part, so good to know I'm not alone. now for the less obvious, more personal concerns I have.

I'm the oldest of 3 children. I'm the only girl, and I have 2 younger brothers. (if you didn't get it already, I have NO SISTERS.) I've never had to share a room with a sibling in my life, not even when I lived in our one-bedroom apartment in Tokyo. I slept alone in the living room. while I am very outgoing and love being around people, I'm usually the person who drives my own car to meet up with my friends instead of get a ride with them because we've been hanging out all day for 5 hours already. at the end of the day, I like to have some time by myself to relax. I like having some space. the only "sleepovers" I ever did were for school overnight trips. I never had any sisters who were overly sensitive or dramatic, and my brothers and I have been messing with each other since I can remember. and yes, while many of my good friends are female, some of my closest friends are guys. so you place a girl with only brothers who has never shared a room in her life in a 3-bedroom apartment on campus with 5 OTHER GIRLS WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET, ALL of whom have sisters, and one of those girls is in MY BEDROOM, you get a girl who is a bucket of stress. a girl who has never had to deal with that much estrogen, except for the girls tennis team. and we were PLAYING TENNIS, not living together! you get a girl who breaks down and calls her mom every day, even though my house is literally 5 minutes away from my apartment. you get a girl who is worried about offending people with her opinions, her loud music (that is different than what my roommates prefer), or her personality. the 5 days that I've lived on campus have been some of the hardest, scariest days of my life. I locked myself out of my apartment 3 times on my first day, and while I survived, I'm absolutely terrified of leaving my keys anywhere. it's a whole new experience.

I've never really been one to conform for the sake of conformity. I've always listened to my own music, not what is on the Top 40 radio. my favorite movie is Anchorman, and I'm guessing that less than 20% of BYU students have even seen that movie. I've never seen a church movie, I didn't vote for David Archuleta on American Idol (I voted for David Cook and therefore contributed to Archuleta's loss. and how hypocritical of me, a Mormon living in Utah to not support another Mormon living in Utah!), I do my homework on Sundays, I have never fasted for 24 hours, I never went to EFY, I don't play Pokemon Go, I don't use the puppy filter on snapchat, and I don't own a maxi skirt. I've always dressed in my own style, which for me includes shorter shorts and shorter dresses. not so short that a church leader would call me out for it, but too short to wear to BYU, which the requirement is knee-length. I run around in a tennis skirt and a tank top most of the time because I don't feel like changing after playing. and you guessed it- tank tops are only allowed in designated areas of BYU campus, and they are definitely not the "preferred" choice of exercise clothing. so following the BYU dress code is definitely going to require some conformity. I actually went to Called to Surf for the first time in my life and I bought 3 long dresses there, and I wore one to a farewell, and for the first time in my life, I saw a friend wearing my same dress. then at work, I saw at least 10 EFY girls and BYU students wearing my same dress. and I feel like I'm losing my personal identity, because in a way, I'm being forced to dress like everyone else. and I don't like that. I tried venting about this to someone, but all they said was, "you signed the Honor Code, so you can't complain." and I know I signed the Honor Code, but NOT EVERYONE WHO GOES TO BYU AUTOMATICALLY IS GOING TO BE EXCITED ABOUT WEARING LONGER DRESSES AND PANTS IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. it's going to be a really hard adjustment for me, and I'm not going to pretend to be excited about it. I'm just going to have to suck it up. and does that make me any less nervous? NO.

as earlier stated, the Mormon culture is really strong over here. I love the gospel of the LDS church, I have a testimony, and I really do try to live it as best as I can. but I've never had the desire to serve a mission, and I don't feel like that's what Heavenly Father desires for me either. which of course should be fine because girls are not required to go on missions. but there is still a lot of pressure, especially in Provo and especially at BYU, to go on a mission. I'm worried that people won't accept me because I'm not going on a mission like they are/did. I've already gotten negative reactions from people when they find out that I'm not going. I am confident in my decision, and I have many people who are supportive, but it's not very fun to get criticized for a very personal decision that I have made. and this is coming from a girl who doesn't even care what people think of her 90% of the time! I know that there are many other girls at BYU who are in my same boat, but as of right now, they are a lot harder to find than the girls who are excited about serving a mission.

with all that being said, I didn't choose to go to BYU for the dress code (which is only a part of the Honor Code). I didn't choose to go to BYU because at least half the student population is serving a mission. I didn't choose to go to BYU to be around people who don't dress like skanky hoes (remember how I said I am a very blunt person?). I chose to go to BYU because...I've always wanted to go. both of my parents went there, and my dad loved it so much he came back to work as a chemistry professor! (I also came because I get half tuition because of my dad and it's a lot cheaper than anywhere else.) I chose to go to BYU because it has many amazing programs that have great reputations. I chose to go to BYU because I had to work hard to get the grades and the ACT score to get in, and I earned it. I chose to go to BYU because I have always loved going to football and basketball games with my family. I chose to go to BYU because of the high standards (no alcohol, no drugs, no football games on Sundays). I chose to go to BYU because people from all over the world come here to get an education, and I will make many friends from different places. so even though there are many things that I am absolutely terrified for when I start my classes on Monday, I am confident that I made the right decision on where to go to college.

a personal opinion on feminism

I remember a few years ago I would get on social media and I would see mostly happy things: pictures from family vacations, people getting married, new mothers welcoming their brand new baby, success in sporting events, family members greeting loved ones after not seeing them for 2 years, or brand new puppies.

That stuff is still there, but there is a lot less of it. Now, when I get on social media, I see so much hate, anger, and judgement toward one another. Why? "Oh, because your church doesn't support gays." "Oh, because the college you worked so hard to get accepted into has a horrible honor code that punishes rape victims and lets rapists do what they want." "Oh, because this person doesn't support transgender people using the bathroom they want." "Oh, because this person thinks the Second Amendment is more important than personal safety." "Oh, because of police brutality." "Oh, because this person supports X as a presidential candidate."

or my personal favorite:

"Because this woman said that she wasn't a feminist and all women should be feminists! and any woman who says they are not a feminist is crazy and is going to hell!"

**side note: when people post this kind of stuff, just know that you are not changing anyone's mind about their personal beliefs. you are either attracting support from those who already support you (which is good), or you are making other people feel judged because they have beliefs that differ from yours. so I am in no way trying to get anyone to agree with me or change anyone's mind. I am only trying to share my personal beliefs and hoping that all of you can accept me as a person, regardless of what I believe in. It is okay if you don't share the same beliefs as I do. I know so many good people who I completely disagree with politically, but I respect their opinion and they respect mine and we are still friends because we have so many other things in common. So I hope that I don't lose any friends over this, and if I do, then I apologize that something that I have an opinion on means so much to you that you would choose not to be friends with them because of it.

Okay. Side note over.

Over the past few years, feminism has been becoming a very big issue, especially in the media. I was taught in my history classes that feminism meant "the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men", which is actually the first definition that comes up when the word is Googled. and yes, feminism was very important in history; if women weren't willing to stand up for what they wanted, such as the right to vote, the right to labor, the right to get an education, the right to be able to play sports in school, or the right to be able to own property, then I wouldn't be able to do any of these things. But we, in America (note I said in America) aren't fighting for these things anymore. since the official definition of feminism states "the advocacy of women's rights...", then I don't have to say I am a feminist because I am not an advocate. I personally don't feel I need to be. in my life, there are many things that are more important to me than the wage gap, whether or not a woman is elected president, or how Disney princess teach girls to rely on Prince Charming to be happy, rather than teaching them about being smart, brave, independent, or successful. (I mean these are kids movies; all they care about is the story, not about whether the princess was a successful businesswoman!)

so many times I have seen, "All women need feminism because...(something about men being more successful and how they don't respect women)." If feminism truly means "gender equality", then why are we focusing more on one side than the other? why is it considered okay for a woman to say "men are stupid", while it is considered sexist for a man to say "women are stupid"? Why is it considered acceptable and heroic for a woman to hit a man for self-defense, but if a man did the same thing for self-defense against a woman, it would be a crime because "he hit a girl"? are we saying that women can defend themselves, but men cannot? finally, the word itself is ironic to me; many women have stated that feminism simply means "equality of both men and women", yet it only has only one of the genders represented in the word. if we simply just want equality, then why not use the term "gender equality"?

I don't describe myself as a feminist because I don't personally see myself as an advocate for women's rights. Rather, I see myself as an individualist who wishes to respect everyone without having to label myself as a feminist OR an anti-feminist. I personally believe that men and women were created with different purposes, and that those differences should complement each other in working together, marriage, and relationships. I want to go to college and get a Bachelor's degree before having kids, but that's not because I'm trying to prove myself as a woman; I'm doing it because I believe that education is important and I want to focus on that before I focus on anything else. I want to be successful, but I also want to get married and be a mother, which I believe is a harder job than anything else. I've seen people get attacked for choosing to get married (heaven forbid to a MAN!) and have children, and that they are "wasting their potential as a successful woman" and that makes me very sad. My mom went to college, got married, graduated from BYU with a Bachelors in dietetics, did an internship, and then had children and has been a stay-at-home mother ever since, and she is one of the most compassionate, hard-working people I know, and I want to be like her. I'm not saying that all women have to get married and have children, but it should not be looked down upon. I think women and men should be able to do what they want because they want to do it, not to defy gender roles.

I believe that women should be treated with respect, but not because I am a feminist. I believe that everyone should treat each other with respect, regardless of gender. I believe that an individual should be able to do what they want and be looked at as a strong individual, not as a feminist icon. and the bottom line? because I am a woman and I have the agency to make my own choices, I choose not to call myself a feminist. and if you choose to call yourself a feminist, then that is perfectly fine with me.

and that should not determine whether or not I am a good person.

Morrissey said it best.

one of my favorite groups of all time are The Smiths. I think that Morrissey is one of the greatest vocalists and lyricists of all time. although many of his lyrics are not very happy or bright or inspirational, they are very powerful. he throws in some subtle humor at the right times, they are very well-crafted, and they can make you feel what he is feeling. many times, they are simple but the message behind it is very meaningful. perhaps my favorite example is from How Soon is Now

"you shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does."

yes, this song is not a very happy song, but I love the lyrics. we are all human and we all need to be loved. sometimes, we forget that, especially in this day and age where everyone is easily offended by everything. people can't simply share their opinions or stand up for their beliefs without someone getting offended. part of this is due to overly sensitive people (maybe this video can give you an idea, it is a bit of an exaggeration but you get the point). but it can also be due to people who don't care that they are offending others, they want to make it CLEAR that they have an opinion and that everyone who agrees with it is good, and anyone who doesn't agree with it is Satan. they do this while forgetting that we are all human and we need to be loved.

now, we don't need to love everyone, all the time, but we need to show respect. one thing I would like to make clear is that RESPECT DOES NOT MEAN AGREE! I'll share a personal example here. one of my very best friends who I've known for a long time and I have completely different political beliefs. she is liberal, I am conservative. she is a registered Democrat, I am a registered Republican. she is a vegetarian, my favorite food in the whole world is steak. I'll stop there, because you get the idea. but from the day that we established that we have these different beliefs, we decided that we will not fight with each other or criticize our beliefs. only respect. I love having a liberal best friend because I am able to see multiple perspectives of the same issue. whenever we have political discussions, she shares her beliefs, and I share mine, and instead of bagging on each other for having the "wrong belief", we listen to each other and we come out of the discussion more open-minded. do I agree with her? NO! but do I respect her and enjoy hearing her different perspective? YES! will I switch political parties? NO! do I want her to switch political parties? NO!

what would the world be like if we all thought the same? if we all had the same opinion on everything? it would be boring! if we all had the same ideologies, there would be no conflict. I'm not encouraging conflict, but we wouldn't be able to be more open-minded if we weren't exposed to different perspectives!  what would be the point of opposing sports teams? the Nadal-Federer rivalry? what would be the point of competitions? different music tastes? if everyone thought the same, those things wouldn't exist! there would be no variety!

if anyone walks away with anything from this
1. stop being so offended when someone's beliefs are different than yours. they are not bad people; they are human, and they need to be loved.
2. if you must share your opinion, do it in a loving manner. of course, someone will get offended because that's how the world is. but don't say "anyone who doesn't agree with me is going to hell!" that is not being loving or respectful of humans.
3. if everyone thought the same, there would be no variety, diversity, or competition. and I believe all those things are necessary in life.
4. respect does NOT equal support or to agree!
5. I am human, and I need to be loved; just like everybody else does!

so to end this little rant, here is another quote from The Smiths, this time from I Know It's Over

"it's so easy to laugh,
it's so easy to hate,
it takes guts to be gentle and kind."

we all need to use our guts to be gentle and kind, now, don't we?

have a great day.

SERVING others, or just serving myself?

ever since the beginning of high school, I have always wanted to be on student government. I thought it looked really fun, you got to plan things, everyone seemed like they were always having a good time, and you were recognized by the school for doing good things. I love being in charge of things, and I thought that if I was on student government, I would use my genius ideas to make the school a better place. I thought I had all the qualities of a typical, cookie-cutter student government kid: I get pretty good grades, I take AP classes, I attend all football and basketball games, I don't regularly sluff class, my attendance is pretty good, I'm social, I'm outgoing, I am a natural-born leader, I like to take charge, I'm organized, and I'm pretty well-liked. The student government advisors have both been my history teachers, and I love both of them. One of them even let me TA for her this year. So, I thought I was in pretty good shape.
my original plan was to run for Social VP, the person who plans the dances. I admit, I didn't have a lot of experience with dances. I had never been asked to a boys choice dance, and the 3 girls choice ones I had been to, I loved them. I had so many ideas of how to make them better, though. I talked to the current social VP and asked if I would be well-suited, but she said, "if you even want to think about tennis next year, please go for a smaller position. it's a lot of work, and you would never miss practice to plan an assembly." so I decided to go for Northeast Justice. at my school, justices and senates are based on a mock-government; you run based on where you live. there are 2 senates for each area, a boy and a girl, and one justice per area. Justices are in charge of upcoming elections and other things. well, the majority of people who like to run for student government also live in the northeast area of the Timpview boundaries. so, I knew i was in for some competition. but that didn't stop me.
so, in order to run for student gov, you need to complete 5 hours of service and attend 5 activities from february to march 20. I went to every basketball game, orchestra concert, softball game, and boys tennis match that I could during that time. I also joined junior council, a committee of juniors who do my dream job, which is PLAN PROM! they wanted a "city" theme, and in the back of my mind, I got an amazing idea:
A NIGHT IN NEW YORK.
the advisors liked it, the junior council presidency liked it, and BOOM.
my idea became the actual legit theme for Prom.
so that meant I would help out a lot with the decorations and stuff.
(a few weeks later, it got even better. I got asked by one of the nicest, most attractive boys in my grade. I've had so many girls tell me, "I wish that was my date!" anyhow, I'm getting off subject.)
so, I was approved to run after that. but I needed a good campaign.
a lot of people wanted me to use a castle/princess theme, but I just thought that made me look soft and feminine, which is not the most accurate description of me. and my original idea, "don't be an (something that rhymes with Castle), vote Miriam Castle!" wasn't school appropriate. so, I called up one of my friends, and we took these pictures.

 "she's #1"

so, most of these pictures were turned into some sweet looking posters, none of which are saved on my computer. but most of them said "SERVING you as Northeast Justice- vote Miriam Castle". so of course, I had to put some tennis humor in there. my friend who usually takes my pictures moved to Highland, but she still agreed to take my pictures and let me borrow her Disneyland crown (there is no way I was going to use the Castle theme seriously. the most I would do was wear the crown). a lot of people complimented me on my posters.
but WAIT.
one of my opponents was one of my very own teammates. I admit, I did not want her to win. I mean, last time I played her in tennis, she beat me. so, maybe this could've been my revenge. but we were friendly with each other and never trash-talked. but it wasn't what I wanted to do, run against my teammate and friend.
OH, and a sophomore boy was also running against us. both juniors and seniors can be elected as justices, so I had to worry about 2 people now.

but I thought I had a lot of support.
I guess the sophomore boy had more though. (and his campaign was also really good.)
what I think happened, was my friend and I split the junior vote, and the sophomore boy got all the sophomore votes, which makes sense. and in a way, I felt a bit better because I didn't like running against my friend and teammate. I didn't want to beat her, but I didn't want her to beat me, either.
but I lost. and I don't like losing. a lot of my friends made it on, including my prom date. but not all hope was lost. there were still 9 appointed positions. you had to interview for them, and they were tough, but of course, because I thought I was qualified, I could be one of the 9 people......out of around 30.
(my interview even went really well!!)

and of course. you can already tell, I didn't get it. at first, I'm just telling myself "why, you were so qualified to this!" and then "I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck" and then finally, I realized that if I was the one choosing people, then I would look at someone like me and notice there are a lot of good qualities, but also a few flaws. like:
1. I am blunt and honest and straight-forward. some people really like this quality, and in some situations, it is very good. but say, you are on a planning committee with others, and you don't like their idea, and if you're anything like me, you skip all the sugar coating and straight-up say, "this sucks." not appropriate for student government. I really try not to do this, but sometimes, I have no filter and I worry less about pleasing everyone and making them feel good and more about getting what I want.
2. I am a bit sassy. Again, I really try not to do this. But at the wrong moments, I come across as rude. Is this good for student government? Not necessarily.
3. I really hate to admit this, but sometimes, I take the role of being in charge too seriously.

and YES I JUST ADMITTED MY SHORTCOMINGS. that is a hard thing for me to do. really, it is. I had never even considered them until after I lost. am I happy? not really. did a lot of my friends (and my prom date) make it on, and I didn't? definitely.
but, is this a learning experience? of course.
and can I use this to become a better person in the future? dang right, I can.

some things, I feel like I just can't change about myself. truthfully, I will always be an honest, straight-forward person. but I'm working on not saying what I'm thinking all the time. and I'm trying not to make everything about me. I did genuinely want to help out my school and make friends and be involved. I do have good intentions, but sometimes, I think more about what I want and have a difficult time agreeing with others.

and really, the fact that I actually put myself out there and ran for something, that is an amazing thing itself. it was so dang scary.

I should probably be reading The Grapes of Wrath right now, so I'm gonna end this here.
goodnight.