what else have I been doing?

this summer has been quite a busy one! I say that every summer, but this one was far more busier than the last. I had no "lazy days" whatsoever because I would either be at work, on vacation, at tennis camp, tennis practice, tennis tournaments, at some mission call opening party/farewell after-party, and in my free time, I would either be practicing piano or hanging out with friends visiting Utah from other places. so I feel bad for all the "let's hang out this summer!" messages that I wrote in everyone's yearbook that didn't happen. and I already have my schedule and I start school in 2 days. so I better get this post up!

in June, I went to BYU tennis camp. most people stayed overnight, but I didn't because I live 5 minutes away. one of my best friends Grace and her sisters Isabel and Caroline were also there, and we ended up being in the same group! so we did a lot of drills together, conditioned together, and ate together. my favorite thing was playing matches against people from all over the country. (okay, different parts of Utah, Las Vegas, Idaho, and Arizona.) I was ranked 11 out of 30 in my group, which is REALLY good, and it meant that I would be playing a lot of dudes. sadly, I've never beat a dude in singles who isn't my brother or my dad. they are just stronger and hit with a lot of topspin. But I won a few games against them, which is a big deal. I also got to play singles against a girl from the school who won state tennis this year (and my school got SECOND PLACE TO) and she creamed me. but I did beat her in doubles. i also enjoyed playing more doubles. I'm definitely more of a singles player than a doubles player, and I feel a lot more comfortable covering the entire court than just one side. many times after I play a singles match, regardless of whether I win or lose, my opponent has told me, "holy crap you make me run! you wore me out!" or "I never know where your shots are going, but they always make it in, and I've never done so much running in my life!" or "you're so consistent it pisses me off!" (my personal fav). but in doubles, my strategy of outrunning my opponent doesn't work because there's two of them, and if I try to send them to the other side of the court, the net player almost always gets there first and poaches the shot. so, it's a lot of adjustment for me, but I'm glad I got to learn more about sharing the court and how to win a doubles match without outrunning your opponent. I also enjoyed being with all the coaches there. my private coach Francis was in charge of the matches, and it was nice to have a familiar coach who knows the way I play!

 Isabel, Grace, Caroline, and me. believe it or not, I'm the oldest in this group. but I'm 5 feet exactly, and for one drill, we were ranked by our height, so me, Caroline, and a bunch of 12 year olds were in a group. I'm 17 and no one except Caroline believed me. my height can be an advantage at times, but in more ways, a disadvantage. 

 Madi, Grace, and me. I played against Madi in my high school season and she beat me, but we moved past that and became really good friends that week

 some of the coaches: Francis, Nikki, Brian, Scott, Myriam-with-a-y, and Miriam-with-an-i. Francis and Nikki are both British, so it's very fun to be coached in a British accent, and I tend to listen to the instructions more. but I do love all my coaches. 

 Francis and me. Francis has been my private coach since last summer, and he has done wonders with my game. I went from being a JV alternate to being an official JV player! I've learned so much from him, not just about the physical game of tennis but the mental game as well, and it has seriously helped so much. except it can get annoying when I'm playing a match and I do something wrong and this British accent in my head tells me "low to high! remember to follow through! where are you standing? how much room did you give yourself? where did you contact the ball?"

Grace and I

the week after tennis camp, I went to my last girls camp. and it was pretty sweet. best girls camp ever. we went to a different camp than we usually go to, and this one had showers. and electricity. and a zip line and loads of other things. my favorite part though was the guest speakers. they were so real and talked about real stuff and how life isn't always perfect and how we really do need to trust in the Lord when that's all we can do. these people have been through everything. I'm serious. one of them lost her husband to cancer, another has always wanted to be married and have kids but that time hasn't come yet, another had a severely disabled son, one was a mother of 4 or 5 boys plus 20 of their friends (imagine my house x100), and one fell off a cliff in St George and was paralyzed from the chest down and is wheelchair bound. but these people, no matter what they've gone through, are some of the happiest people I've met. and I love how none of them said "everything happens for a reason." I mean, if you lose your husband to cancer and you have to think "well that happened for a reason", then that would suck. they all said that things just happen to us, and we don't know why, but we can either let them define us, or we can grow from them. I loved that.

at the end of July we went to Bear Lake with all my cousins on my dad's side. It was a much-needed vacation, except I felt super sick most of the week and the water was too rough to waterski, so I spent most of my time either playing tennis with my mom or on the beach with my cousins. except I did wakeboard one of the days. I took like no pictures since I was feeling like crap, so this 4 sentence summary will have to suffice.

finally, I had tennis tryouts these past 2 weeks. like I mentioned earlier, I went from being an alternate singles player to making OFFICIAL JV! I have never been so happy in my life. so many good people try out for the tennis team, and my coach doesn't do cuts. instead, she makes an alternate team, and basically, whenever they can play matches, she lets them, but they aren't guaranteed to play every match. I played every match except for 2 last season. but now, I get to go to every practice, play every match, and I have a guaranteed spot at region! except I'm more likely playing doubles than singles, but I don't even care. I'd rather be on JV than be an alternate again! so, hard work does really pay off! 

Tennis Team Pictures and some nostalgia

tennis season ended almost 2 months ago for me, and about a month and a half ago for varsity. we didn't win the state title like we did last year, but we did win SECOND! which is.....the next best thing! and our doubles team, Megan Austin and Annie Hayward did win state for doubles! I love both those girls so much. Annie is a senior, and has always been one of my best friends. she always talks to everyone and makes them feel like an important part of the team. when I'm having a bad day, I know I can always come to her and she will make me feel better. she is very encouraging to all the players. As for her partner, I sometimes forget Megan is only a freshman because she is one of the best players I have ever met! she is that one player that everyone wants to hate because she's only a freshman and she kicks everyone's butt, but she is one of the most genuine, sweet girls who couldn't be mean if she tried! (I also went on a date with her brother, and I just love their whole family.) I am so glad that she and Annie were able to win state, after all the doubles teams got their partners switched around 320 times!

my season was amazing. i had worked so hard in the summer for tryouts, and I didn't end up making the official JV team, so at first, I was pretty upset. but thankfully, most of the teams were big enough for me to play a match! I won some, and I lost some, but in all of them, I played my best and I think there was only one match where I was really ashamed of myself. coincidentally, the next match I played, I won 8-0!

there were more girls on the team this year than there ever had been before. we got a lot of new, really good freshmen, so that's why my spot wasn't as high as it was before. part of me wanted to hate them because they took my spot, but really, they all deserved it. they have been playing longer than me, and they play better than I do. I'm good, but they're just better. and there's nothing wrong with that, because they win their matches and make our team better as a whole. but I could not hate them, because they are all just so nice and so fun to be around and I became such good friends with all of them. I love how we all get along so well with each other on and off the court. well, unless we are playing each other. I am naturally very competitive, and I don't care if I'm playing my best friend. when I'm in a match, they are no longer my friend. they are my opponent and I will do everything I can to beat them- or try to. I have no mercy. but as soon as the match ends, we shake hands and are friends again and congratulate each other on how well we did!  actually, my friend Kali (our 1st singles player) was telling her cousin that I am very competitive, and her cousin said, "but you seem like the nicest girl!" and Kali said, "as soon as she is in a match, she becomes this aggressive, crazy person who screams and hits hard and has even smashed a racket. but she's so nice off the court. it's crazy." yep, that's me.

in October, we had a team banquet at the school. it was nice because it wasn't at Pizza Factory with their slooooooow service. (they never even brought me my pizza last year.) every family brought food. Mama Castle is famous for her cookies, so of course, that was what I was assigned to bring. my peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, as I have mentioned before, are really popular with the tennis team and cute boys. turns out, they are also very popular with the moms on the tennis team as well! I had to leave early because I had a piano lesson, but while I was there, the seniors presented the players with awards. my award was "The Cookie Master" for obvious reasons. (also, Racket Smasher was already taken.)

finally, last week, Coach sent us our pictures.

 the team. back row: Lauren, Megan, Grace L, Emmaline, Brianna, Rachel, Libby, Kali, Lindsey, Catherine, Mannon, Jen, Annie H, and Kea.

front row: Maude, Sophie, Annie L, Madi, me, Hailey, Kathryn, Mary, Liesel, Sage, Emma, and Grace S.

 full JV team with officials and alternates: Lauren, Sophie, Maude, Grace Larsen, Emmaline, me (I shouldn't even have to say which one I am, because I'm always the shortest one), Annie Lee, Madi, Hailey, Brianna, Emma, Libby, Mary, Kathryn, Grace Shields, Lindsey, Sage, and Kea

 me and Emmaline. last year, she didn't start out as my favorite because Coach kept making us play each other at tryouts, and I just wanted to beat her more than anything else. well, first time I played her, somehow, I did beat her! I was very proud of myself. but the next time I played her, I didn't do as well, and the next time, she beat me 6-1 and 6-0. I was so mad because, I mean, I beat her once, why did I play so bad the next time? but after I got over myself, we became really good friends, and we kept that friendship going after last season ended. this season, she was probably one of my best friends and because we were both singles players, we spend a lot of time at practice together, waited for matches together, and we would give each other pep talks. I loved that. when either of us had a bad match, we would always go to each other, and when we would have a good match, we would congratulate each other. she watched both my matches at region, and was cheering for me, and I just loved that support. so, Coach wanted to document our little friendship at practice.

then again, it's not as bad as we think it is.

this year, as we know, a lot of things have happened that have not been in my favor. you have heard about me not making acappella choir and the whole issue surrounding my placement on the tennis team. and after a few weeks, tennis started to go really well. I got to play in a lot more matches than I expected to. so that was looking up. I became really close to the team, I had good friends, and school was hard but it was manageable. but there were other things going on that made it hard for me to focus on the good things.
that one thing was homecoming.
last year, I was nominated as sophomore homecoming princess, and it was truly one of the best days of my life. that day, I remember thinking, this is the most amazing thing, but next year I will be able to spend it on a date. I can't wait! I knew it was possible for girls to not get asked, but I never thought of myself as one in that category. I was outgoing, I had a lot of friends, I was good at talking to people, and I really don't know how to say this without bragging, but I'm not too bad looking. Except for my awkward phase that lasted throughout middle school, I never really thought of myself as an ugly person. and I guess other people didn't, either. I was already confident with my appearance, and when people constantly tell you, "Miriam, you're so pretty!" or "you dress so cute!" or "your eyes/hair/nose/whatever is gorgeous!", it's hard not to believe it. I'm not saying I let it get to my head, but it is true that boys do prefer to take girls who are good looking. so, I thought out of the 1,000 boys who go to my school, (the 500 being able to go to the dance), at least one of them would ask me.
well, the first day of school came and went, and girls were already getting asked. I wasn't too worried, and thought, they will ask me later! pretty soon, all of my friends started to get asked, and they would ask me, "have you been asked yet?" i would just smile and say, "no, not yet!" and they would assure me, "well, you will get asked soon! you're too pretty not to! boys love you!" and I believed it.
but pretty soon, all my friends had been asked, and I still hadn't. I would be talking to my friends who were boys, and because I was curious, I would ask them if they had asked anyone yet. all of them replied, "yeah! have you been asked?" or worse, "who asked you?"
"uh, no one."
"that's ok! everyone loves you, and you're too pretty not to get asked! of course someone will ask you!"
and my natural response would'be been to say, then why didn't YOU ask me? but of course, I just remained cheerful and said, "thanks!" but it was getting harder everyday. everytime one of my friends would mention homecoming, I just felt myself getting angrier and angrier. I really was excited for them to go, and I really did want to know what they were doing for their date, but it was really hard for me to share that excitement. It made me feel more and more left out as the day came nearer and nearer. I couldn't stop asking myself why I hadn't been asked yet.
one day, I was talking to one of my really good friends (who has a girlfriend, so of course, he asked her). and he said, "well, the reason you haven't been asked yet is because you're just too intimidating! Miriam, you are very talented, you're funny, you're smart, people would have a good time with you, and you're very pretty. guys love you! but they're just scared to ask you, because you're so intimidating! they're worried that someone else will ask you first, so they just ask someone else instead." well, that was the nicest thing anyone has said to try to make me feel better. and this friend is quite talented and intimidating himself, so I trusted him a bit more. and it is hard to ask people, so I can understand that. but I didn't want to go around telling people, "I haven't been asked yet because I'm too intimidating!" and even though he made me feel better, it didn't change the fact that I hadn't been asked.
finally, I just decided to accept the fact that I would probably not be going to homecoming unless a miracle happened, and that I would have a GOOD TIME that day, even with most of my friends out partying. (I said most.) so, I got this brilliant idea to spend the day with my best friend Grace from the tennis team, and our other best friend Kate. both of them were sophomores, and wouldn't be able to go anyway. so, we made some plans to make this day the best day ever for me. and after we made plans, I was a lot happier. instead of dreading homecoming, I looked forward to it. I would go to lunch with 2 of my best friends, and we would see a movie and talk and drive around and listen to good music all afternoon. besides, with tennis and homework, I never really had any time to do girl things. and I was able to be cheerful when people would ask me, "so what are you doing instead of Homecoming?" after talking about their plans. It was a lot easier for me to listen to my friends and be excited for them, knowing that I would be having a fun time too, even if it wasn't on a date.
the day came and went. me, Kate, and Grace had a great time eating at Kneaders, watching Maze Runner (it is better than the book! I definitely recommend it), and having a good time together. none of us mentioned Homecoming, and we just focused on other things. it was the happiest I'd been for a long time. I came home in a really good mood, and even though I would have loved to go, I still made the best of it.
I'm not saying that I'm okay with not getting asked to every dance. it really is not fun, and it does suck when everyone's talking about it, and you have to politely listen. and everytime someone told me, "well, dances aren't everything", I wanted to shoot them. but if we are able to make the best out of our situations, then it really isn't as bad as we think it is. it's natural to worry about why things happen to us, but in reality, there is no reason. maybe boys just wanted to take someone else, or maybe they don't have the guts to ask. (like a lot of my friends don't have the guts when it comes to girls choice dances.) or, maybe you are intimidating (which is a good and a bad thing). but instead of trying to think about the why, it's a lot better (and harder, too!) to accept that not everything happens in our favor, and even though we wish it could've worked out differently, we can make the best out of it and still end up having a good time. it's a lot easier said than done, but it is possible!

I feel like I just bore my testimony. I hope that wasn't too preachy. I'm just trying to express my true feelings without going into huge rants.

TENNIS UPDATE: I had region on Friday, and I played really well! my first match I was losing 2-6, and I came back and tied it 6-6! both my opponent and I played really well, and I never double faulted once. when it got to 6-7, we were in deuce. we were playing no-ad, meaning you only had one shot. If I would've won, it would've been tied, 7-7 and we would keep going until one of us won 9-7, or we would enter a tiebreaker at 8-8. but she sent me to the net and hit a passing shot over my head, and there is no way I could've returned it. and I do have to give her credit for that. that is a very good shot. I actually wasn't bummed that I lost, because I was able to make a comeback and I played my very best.
my second match started out good, but my opponent had the comeback this time. we both fought long and hard, and eventually went into a tiebreaker, which she won. tiebreakers are always very frustrating for me, and I have never been able to win one in a match. (YET. I'm working on that.) but even though I lost, I am proud to say that I played my best, and that both my matches were very close, and if I had won, I would've had to stay for a loooooong time. so again, things aren't as bad as we think they are. at first, I didn't even know if I would get to play in matches, let alone region, because I was a JV Alternate. but I ended up playing a lot of matches, and I won some and lost some, but I improved a lot since last season. I did better mentally as well, and didn't self-destruct when things weren't going the way I wanted them to. and I even made it to region, and played really well. so, things may not be the way we want, but in reality, they aren't as bad as they think they are.

two VERY different matches.

so that last post was kind of an emotional handful. believe me, being on the C-team/NCJV/alternate team/whatever the heck we are called was really hard at first. normal people would say, "hey, at least you only have to practice every other day!" maybe I want to practice everyday. and maybe I do feel left out because everyone has a free 7th period to practice tennis and I have seminary at that time. then again, I do like having seminary at the end of the day. it's nice to have an easy, relaxing class after 3 really hard classes. plus, my best friend is in there so that makes it even better. but sometimes, knowing that the rest of the team is getting in extra practice without me, just doesn't feel good. I love tennis so much, and when there is an opportunity for me to practice, I'll take it. and sometimes, it feels like I'm missing a lot of opportunities. sometimes, I would even feel like I was slowly losing my love for tennis, I would get so frustrated.

I know that because people hate negativity, girls like to sound like "it isn't too bad" or "there's always next year". I am horrible at hiding my feelings, so I usually just say it how it is. and at first, it really sucked. I mean, really. showing up to practice later than everyone else because they had ALL of 7th PERIOD to practice was bad. doing the C-team drills weren't my favorite. and I would have to remind myself that I was here because I love tennis, and I want to move up, and that if I didn't go to practice, Coach would probably move me down even more. I would go to practice and try to have a good time, and most of the time, I usually ended up having a good time.

well, Monday, we had our first match of the season! (ok, maybe it was pre-season. but our first match against another team.) we played at Orem High School. Now, I can't bash on Orem because a lot of Timpview is friends with Orem. That's what I think makes them great rivals, because a lot of the girls already know each other. I know Timpview won state last year, but Orem has a lot of really good players who, like a lot of the Timpview team, have been trained since age 8. but I somehow got it in my head that since I was a JV alternate, the person I would get matched up with wouldn't be very good.
our varsity team was.....not doing their best. everyone lost. our JV team didn't have great luck, either. I was waiting anxiously to play, and finally, I was the last match of the day.
the girl they had me play against wore me out in the warm up.
which, in a match, that would be good. but not the warm up. she said she already played a match today, so I was the second person she was playing. she hit me really tricky shots and had me running around everywhere, which is seriously a great skill. but again, in the warm up, it's a warm up. not a "wear the opponent out before the match even begins."
then she said, "I usually play varsity doubles or JV singles."
why. why. WHY. WHY. I'm not even an official JV player, and they put me against a Varsity girl. what the heck were these coaches trying to do to me? kick me off the team for good?
my whole team was watching and trying to cheer me on whenever I did something well. but.... I didn't really do anything that well. I ran for every shot, but I would either hit it out, or into the net. this made me even more frustrated. when I was losing, 0-5, my coach pulled me out for a pep talk and told me to relax. so, I did, and I aced her on my serve. I was able to win that next game, even though it was close. the rest of the games went to deuce. I played okay, but still, not my best. I was able to win 1 more game, and she won the rest. so, I lost, 2-8. I congratulated her on playing well, because really, she did.
most of my team saw how I did, and they all felt bad. a lot of them even said, "you didn't play the way you normally do, but she's a tough opponent, and you were able to get it together in the end." now, I shouldn't have beat myself up for losing to a varsity person. but when the people who weren't watching asked how I did, I did the embarrassing thing and started to cry. most of the team didn't know what to say, which was good. I didn't cry because I lost, but mostly because I didn't play well at all. I normally have really good form. and if I hit with correct form, it almost always goes in. but I lost my form completely, and forgot everything my coaches have ever taught me. I am not the best at accepting defeat, but if I lose and I know I played well, it just doesn't feel as bad, because at least I played well. the other person just played better. but when I lose and I don't play well, it just feels a lot worse. and I know failure is the opportunity for improvement. and I knew what i needed to improve. but I was not in the mood to hear motivational speeches.
Coach didn't even need to ask how I felt about the way I played.

after a good, long cry session with my best friend on the team, I decided to get over it. I had another match on Wednesday, and I couldn't self-destruct again. I had relaxed more, and the first match is always the hardest. hopefully, our team would play better. When we got to Timpanogos High School in Orem, we were relieved to find that they had 2 more courts than Orem did. I was also not so stressed out, and I had more confidence. the matches were going a lot quicker too, because of the extra courts. after.....45 minutes, Coach told me they were ready for me to play.
the girl I played was a sophomore. I tried not to wear her out in the warm up. we had a really nice warm up, actually. all my serves were going in. when the match started, it was a lot different than when I played Orem 2 days ago. she served first, and I was able to break her serve on the first game. not to brag or anything, but that is kind of a big deal. When I serve, I play better, and the same goes for other players (unless they double fault every serve). I find it a lot more frustrating when the opponent breaks my serve, than when they are serving and I lose. I won the first game, we traded sides, and the next game was my serve. I'll save all of you and not describe the match game by game, but early on, I was able to figure out where her weak spots were, and use those to my advantage. I would serve harder, and I would always return to where she would have to run for it. as the match went on, she would get more and more frustrated. we did have some really long rallies, she did hit some really good passing shots, and we did go into a few deuces, but in the end, I won.
8-0.
in tennis slang, we call that a "bagel".
I don't even know how I did that. I went from 2-8 to 8-0 in just 2 days. and the fact that I played really well was even more rewarding. and let's not forget that I'm not an official JV singles player.
varsity won, and our school only had 2 losses. that day was a really good day. to say we turned it around from Monday is an understatement.
Coach was really proud of me, and told me that I had improved a lot and I have been working really hard, and that I would be playing a lot more than I thought I would. so pretty much, I will play in more matches than I won't play in! and now, practices are not as "segregated" by team. on Friday, it was divided into Singles and Doubles. not Singles, Doubles, and C-team. I was actually the only C-team girl to join the singles practice, but no one even cared or treated me like I was below them. it was one of the best practices I ever had. today, it was half conditioning, and half rotating drills. another of the best practices, even though I hate conditioning. so I guess I don't even feel like a reject anymore. I am finally starting to feel like part of the team. I was able to prove that even though I didn't get the spot I wanted, I can still win. I am still a good player. and the fact that all those girls above me are also winning just means that we have a really good team. and that love for tennis is coming back. (not that I ever lost it, but for a while, it seemed that way.)

and some pictures.

me and my best friend on the team, Grace. this was at Orem. I did not order a uniform skirt, so I didn't match the rest of the team. but our colors are blue and orange, so what I did wasn't too bad. also I kinda think my skirt is cuter. (it's actually my mom's, but she agreed to lend it to me for tennis season because it's Timpview colors.) but anyways, I just love this girl so much. I love driving her home from practice and going to lunch and talking and laughing and singing and crying together. and even though she's 2nd Varsity Doubles and I'm Unofficial JV Singles, I love to play with her. 

after I won 8-0 against Timpanogos. I actually wore my blue skirt to match the rest of the teams. it looks exactly the same as all the other uniform skirts, so that's why I didn't order one. I still think the orange one looks better. 

Sophie, one of my favorite new freshmen. we did not plan our outfits! we just showed up and were practically matching! (also the only day I decide not to wear a skirt.) so, of course we take a picture. also, I got 4 inches chopped off my hair that day, and I was a bit sad about that. that's an understatement. I actually cried. I still don't like it, but it's healthier and easier to care for.

rejection, dejection, & reflection

I know the title isn't cheerful. but this post is full of my true, honest feelings about what happened to me. I know, it would be nice if it was that "bad things happen to good people, and somethings things don't go the way we want them to, but everything happens for a reason and we should be happy" crap, but that is not what you are ever going to get from me. I'm not overly pessimistic, but I'm surely not overly optimistic. I'm a more realistic optimist. but as realistic as I am, accepting defeat is one of the hardest things for me. and I'm pretty sure that everyone has experienced the feeling of rejection. it has never been, or ever will be an easy thing.

sometime my sophomore year, I was really looking forward to my junior year. I could go to dances, I would have a lot of friends, I would be in acappella choir with all my senior friends, and I would have a good spot on the tennis team. pretty much, life would be perfect.

in the springtime (march or april?) i had acappella tryouts. I did really well, and the teacher was impressed. i thought everything was in my favor: I have perfect pitch (non-musically talented people: this means that I know where all the notes are. if you ask me to sing a D, I can sing a D. not a C-sharp or an E-flat. a D. it can be a blessing and a curse at times), my mom did acappella when she attended Timpview, I have a good voice, I could also accompany, I'm an alto, my best friend did acappella and he had no previous choir experience... but the only thing that set me back is that I had never taken a choir class at Timpview. part of it was that I couldn't fit it into my schedule, part of it being that I was too cocky and thought that my talent alone could get me in.
About 2 weeks after I tried out, I checked the list. I looked at second Alto, which is what I tried out for. my name wasn't on the list. so, I thought, maybe, they made me a first alto. so I checked that list. my name was not on there, or on any of the soprano lists, or even the boys parts. off to the side, in extremely small print, my name was on "Selected Concert Chorus".
I couldn't believe what I had read. Concert Chorus is the class that most girls take as sophomores to prepare them for acappella. no juniors ever take it, because they all get into acappella. so, I was extremely pissed, knowing I was an "acappella reject". I wanted to make it in more than anyone could possibly imagine. Like I mentioned earlier, I have perfect pitch, and I am good at singing acappella. My best friends were all taking it as seniors, and I wanted to have one last class with them, they sing the best songs, they go on tour to Disneyland... so the fact that I didn't make it was a big time low.

eventually, I decided I needed to get over myself and switch my focus to tennis tryouts. I got a new private coach, I could train all summer, I had improved 10 times better than last year, so to me, my chances of making a higher spot were pretty good.
until I had to help out at Freshman Orientation, around the same time I received the news that I was an acappella reject.
I was supposed to convince all these new 8th graders to take Japanese their freshman year (I am a really good liar. I would not recommend Japanese to anyone, unless they have some strange desire to learn how to read 3 different Asian alphabets and learn about 10000 different particles and which one goes where), and also recruit some tennis players. well, a ton of girls signed up for tennis. and my coach later told me that they were really good and were the kind of people who had been training since age 8 with private coaches. also, because our team won State, some girls transferred from other places, just to play tennis for Timpview. so, she said that this year, she would start to make cuts. before, anyone who tried out, got on. it didn't guarantee that they would play every match, but they were on the team. I was a bit worried, but I decided that if I worked hard enough, I could get a good spot on the team.

well, I did work really hard, and it was all in my favor this summer. I only lost one match in the City League, I got a new private coach who has done wonders to my technique, and I was training every day. I wasn't too worried about the other girls, but the thought that I had a lot more competition did make me a bit nervous.
on the first day of tryouts, when I saw exactly how many girls there were, I panicked inside my head.
8 new freshmen
2 girls who transferred from other schools
our 3 varsity singles players had already been set, as they were all seniors.
3 returning doubles players
2 seniors who were on JV last year
7 returning JV players
and me.
that makes 25 girls.
so, for the next 3 days, I was playing singles matches against some new freshmen and returning JV players. I won most of them, actually. how tryouts are supposed to work, is that varsity players play every varsity player, JV players play every JV player. but I didn't get to play every JV player, like I was supposed to.
on Day 3, she told me that everyone wanted to play singles this year, and she knows how much I hate playing doubles, but because there were a lot of singles players, I might have to play doubles. if you have ever read my posts about last years tennis season, you would know how much I hate playing doubles. doubles players love to play doubles because they don't have to do as much running, they have a partner, they can poach at the net, they can share the victory.... now, this might sound very self-centered, but I love being a singles player for the opposite reason. I don't want to share the victory with a partner. I feel more like a sidekick than a champion when I play doubles. also, sharing the victory also means sharing the loss. when you lose a doubles match, it isn't entirely your fault. your partner contributes to that as well. and it's hard for me to accept defeat, especially when it isn't entirely your fault. and I love singles because I can run around more, I can take more shots, I have longer rallies, and it's easier to accept a loss in singles.
anyways, enough about how much I hate doubles. I decided that I'd rather play doubles than not play at all, so I played a few really bad doubles matches.
finally, Coach called Team Meeting. I still hadn't played everyone in a singles match. I probably only played half the girls. but I guess she had already made her decisions.
when Coach read her list, she read Varsity first. we all knew who Varsity was, because most of them were returning players. then, she read JV. I kept waiting for her to say my name. finally, she said, "and that's it. you guys can leave. everyone whose name I didn't call, come talk to me."
at that moment, I knew I didn't make it. she didn't even need to talk to us. but I stayed to listen to whatever she had to say.
she said, "well, I don't want to cut anyone, so instead of cutting you guys, you will be our alternate team! our Non-Competition JV team! there were just too many players this year, and all the JV spots were filled! so, you guys will come to every other practice, on odd days, and you probably won't get to play in matches, but you should still come and support the rest of the girls! you don't go to morning conditioning, but you should still go to the evening practices. and maybe next year, you will get a better spot!"
NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO PISSED OFF IN MY LIFE.
I was still shocked. but it was real life. so I asked Coach if I could leave, and she said, "yes. please do."
so I just stomped off to my car, and to make things worse, a bird had pooped all over my windshield. I probably yelled, "Freshmen, I am not giving rides today! Go find your own!" and drove my (dad's) car home, and I just cried and cried and cried. why me? I had trained really hard the entire summer, I got a new coach, I was a better player this year than I was last year. so why did I get a higher spot on JV last year, and not even make JV this year? and I didn't even get to play everyone. that's what made me the angriest. what was the point of going to tennis practice if I wouldn't even get to play matches? and I'm not even a bad tennis player.
it's just that everyone else was better than I was.
and that hurt.
and I worked hard.
and no one seemed to recognize that except for my mom.
I thought being an acappella reject was bad enough. but a JV reject was worse.
and there are few things I hate more than the feeling of rejection.
so, I eventually decided to tell one of my best friends who was on the boys team, and he told me that I should still go to every practice and play my best and stick it to the coach. I wasn't too excited about this idea, but I can't give up on tennis, after all this hard work. I love the sport so much, I don't know what I would do without it. I couldn't give up my passion just because I didn't make the team I wanted!
at first, it was really hard to go to practice, knowing that I wouldn't be playing in matches. and believe me, it still hurts. but I just kept playing, hoping that Coach would recognize my talent and hard work.
turns out, some teams have more players than others. and with larger teams, us NCJV (Non-Competition Junior Varsity) girls could play, depending on how many extra spots there are. so, for our first match, my coach said there was one extra JV singles player. and guess who gets to play?!
ME.
even better: the next team we will play has an even larger team, and guess who gets to play JV singles twice in one week?
ALSO ME.
so instead of thinking of myself as a JV reject, I am still a JV singles player. I just don't get to play in every match. when there is someone for me to play, then I compete. when there isn't, I still support. I still don't like how the NCJV girls only practice every other day, and don't get to take tennis 7th period. but I use those days when I don't have team practice to train with my mom, which is actually really beneficial. because it's just her and me, she is able to drill me on things that I need to work on, not the whole team. it really does help me become a better tennis player. so, as bad as not making normal JV is, I'm still playing tennis, and I love tennis, and I'm getting better, and next year, hopefully, it will go better.

my brothers are yelling at me to make dinner, so I better wrap this post up. I am still sad about not making acappella and being with my senior friends, but I can still see them at concerts, and who knows, maybe I will be Alto Section Leader of Concert Chorus! and as for tennis, I just love tennis so much and could never quit, and as much as I hate not being an official JV player, I still get to play JV sometimes, which is probably the best thing, considering that some girls might not even play at all. so, pretty much, rejection is really hard to deal with, but eventually, we realize that there still are some good things about our situation, even if they might not be better. and failure is also an opportunity for improvement. and improvement is good.

have a good day. and if you ever experience the horrible feelings of rejection, come talk to me. I know how you feel. it's hard.
but (sorry this is cheesy), it does get better.
eventually.
trust me.

I really better make dinner for my brothers. they are getting angry.

the usual tennis update & a photoshoot

I should really call this blog something cheesy like "Tennis Begins With Love". or "Love Means Nothing in Tennis." or pretty much, "I Love To Play Tennis And When It's Not Tennis Season I'm Depressed Because I'm Not Playing Tennis And The Weather Is Too Cold (And I Occasionally Have Deep Thoughts And Go On Vacations)". but really, it seems like a good percentage of these posts are about tennis. and really, that's pretty much my life in the summer. but I love it.
I am doing the city league once again, and I have loved it. I have played 4 matches, and I have won 3 of them! the first 2 were played in Spanish Fork, and I won the first one, 5-1. they did a weird thing where it's first to 5 instead of an 8-game pro-set, or even just a single 6 game set. but at least i won. the second girl I was beating 4-0, but a lot of the games were really close, and we were both fighting hard. finally, I just got really tired, and she had this amazing comeback and was able to beat me 5-4. so, being the loser, this sucked. but I do admire her for being able to come back and win! I have always wanted to be able to do that. and we both played really well.
the next 2 were played at Lehi High School. This time, because there weren't a ton of girls on the Provo team, I had to play 2 girls from Lehi. we just played one set. the first girl was my age, and my coach was surprised at how quickly we finished. I won, 6-1. I was getting a lot of my shots in, and I wasn't trying to hit winners. I was just trying to keep the ball in play for as long as I possibly could, knowing she'd eventually get tired and hit into the net. which usually happened. as soon as I reported my score, my coach immediately sent me back out to play my second match. I said, "but I'll get tired!" and he said, "you're playing her sister. so it's like a normal 2 set match against the same person. you will either destroy the whole family, or they will get revenge!" well, this sister had watched the entire first match, and I thought she was either scared, or she had figured me out by watching me, and had a game plan. our first games ended in deuces (we went into 5 the first game), but I would always win the last point. then, later on into the match, I noticed that she would get tired, and I hit a lot of winners, and she would hit....well, out. I won, 6-0. so I guess I'm a family destroyer.

in addition to city league, I have a private coach. My old one, Mike, was wonderful, and we loved him. But this year, he was too busy to coach, so he referred us to Francis, the captain of the BYU Tennis team and the top player. At first, we were really sad because like I said earlier, we loved Mike and we would really miss him. Pretty much, we had no idea what to expect. But we loved Francis the minute we met him, and I have improved so much in just 3 weeks, more than I improved last season! First, he started by changing my serve. I already had a really consistent flat serve, and if I didn't make my first, I would almost always make my second. Well, now Francis wants me to leave behind that perfect flat serve, and develop a powerful, slice serve. At first, I wasn't too excited about that idea because my serve was already good. but a slice serve has so much more power, and you can do so much more with it. now, my slice serve forgets to "slice" about half the time, and ends up crashing into the net, going long, or I freak out and hit a perfect flat serve. Also, I still use a flat serve as my second serve in my matches. But every serve is better than the last, and it "slices" more each time! he has also worked with me on...everything, things that I would have never noticed before. but every day, I learn a new useful technique, and boy, has that helped! today, I had the amazing opportunity to attend his baptism and be the pianist! (I had no idea until about 5 minutes before it started, but I did great.) It was an amazing program, and all the talks were so good, and his testimony was amazing. (I've said that word like 3 times in the past sentence, but really. it was amazing.) I think it's so cool when someone comes to BYU as a nonmember, meets with the missionaries, and is able to get baptized!
(Also, he is from England. And he has an accent.)

well, that was the tennis update. here is something not related to tennis! my lovely friend Hannah has a great camera and offered to take my pictures. we took about 200, but my eyes were closed in 80% of them. we did have a lot of good ones! here are a few of my favs:

 that is not snow. that is cotton. and I am extremely allergic to that.

 

 I do not want anyone to see my eyeballs. OK?!

 

....and then, I told Hannah, "I'm really hungry!" and she said, "let's get ice cream and use it as a prop!"

cliché fall pictures.

 

 

 

 

so there is this trend on Instagram which I absolutely love but kinda hate at the same time:

cliche fall pictures.

I love fall. It is my favorite season. it could very possibly beat summer. I love them both for different reasons, but fall. my favorite colors are red and orange, and when the leaves change colors, I find it absolutely gorgeous. fall in Utah is the most beautiful time of the year. to everyone who complains about living in Provo, I can sympathize with you because the winters here are not exactly delightful. (unless you are a skiing fanatic like my brothers.) but really guys, I think that living this close to the mountains makes up for the bitter cold. it's my favorite time of year, when the trees on the mountains start changing. The tennis courts I practice at (not with the team) are in Sherwood Hills, my absolute favorite neighborhood of Provo. it is on the hill above Timpview, and the houses are all very nice, you are as close to the mountains as you can get while still staying in the city, and you have a breathtaking view of the whole city below. I frequently drive around this area because my grandma lives close to it, a lot of my friends live up there, my tennis courts are there, and I just love the view. when I play tennis, the court faces the mountains, and I just love all the different colors on the trees. we are blessed to live in such a beautiful place.

so, every fall, every girl in Provo gets the same idea: let's go up to Provo Canyon and take pictures! so they gather up all their friends and do a photoshoot of them in their new fall outfits, usually oversized sweaters and leather boots, and they take pictures together, all smiles. and then, as soon as they get home, they all post their pictures with some caption as simple as "I love fall!" with some leaf emojis. everyday, my news feed is filled with these cliche fall pictures. and I can't complain, but there is just so many of them. and a few days after the first picture from the photoshoot is posted, the girl decides it is "too old", and posts another from the photoshoot.

I admit, I am guilty. we all know I love fall, and it is just so pretty, why wouldn't I do a photoshoot? I didn't go up to the canyon, but I found a nice little place to get my pictures done. my lovely friend Bailey from digital photo took several amazing photos on a real camera (not an iPhone like most of these cliche fall photos are taken on; and I have nothing against that. I actually do that myself), and these ones I have posted aren't even 1/4 of the ones we took. these are just my absolute favorites. and our friend Libby from tennis also came along and helped me with my poses and fixed my hair. and they all turned out amazing. so yes, of course, i get home, wait for Bailey to send me the pictures, and I finally cracked and got on Instagram and posted a cliche fall photo. I did one. yes, I did. and you know what? I don't care. because like many other girls in Provo, I love fall. and I love taking pictures. so really, I shouldn't complain.

on a side note: our varsity tennis team won STATE CHAMPS!!!!!!!!! for the first time in 12 years. we won state. I can't believe it, but at the same time, I am not surprised at all. we have some really amazing girls on our team, and Kate Cusick, our 1st singles player who happens to be in my grade, won the entire thing herself. not only did our team win state, but Kate won individual as well. even though I didn't play, I am just so so so so so happy. Our tennis season has been the best tennis season I've had (the only tennis season I've had with Timpview), and I have had so many good times. We had a banquet on Tuesday that was about 2 1/2 hours long. and each girl has done amazing this season, and I love every one of them.

 Emmaline, me, and Gabby. I only wish I was tall.

Megan, my cute doubles partner at Region. I just love this girl so much. for fall break, she went to Hawaii and got us matching bracelets. she is the sweetest, and she just loves to play tennis and is always happy to be at practices, and I just love that. she just always makes my days. and yes, I am older. I'm almost 16, and she's 14. and there isn't any hope for me. I haven't grown since I was 13.

well folks, I gotta do some end of term homework. wish me luck. have a great day, and I have just been so so so so so so happy. life is good. so good. so good.