twenty.

hello, friends. this month, I celebrated my 20th birthday. to be completely honest, it was a pretty weird birthday. I spent my morning observing my favorite world history teacher at my old high school as part of one of my education classes. back when I was in high school, word got out quickly that it was my birthday. people I didn't even know would say "Happy birthday, Miriam!" to me. in 2015, this teacher (the one I was observing) made an announcement on the intercom that it was my 17th birthday. and I hope this doesn't sound completely narcissistic, but I liked the attention. I have never been one to hide in the background and blend in. even though I was (and still am) 5 feet tall, I made sure that my presence was noticed. I had a lot of friends, and every year on my birthday, a large group of them would come to my house and grab some wonderful dessert made by my mother. I loved my birthdays.

on Tuesday, I purposely showed up 15 minutes after the tardy bell because I did not want to be mistaken as a student. after all, I was here to observe my favorite history teacher as a practicum assignment for one of my classes, not loiter on my old stomping grounds. after I parked my car in the Visitor's Parking lot, I saw a lady who appeared to be running late. I held the door open for her, and she said, "thank you so much, even though you are probably already 15 minutes to your first class! what grade are you in? what class do you have right now?"
"oh, you're welcome. and I'm actually not a student here. I graduated 2 years ago. I am a teaching social science major at BYU"
"oh, so how old are you?"
"20"
"you look really young for a 20-year-old...and don't worry, you'll be grateful when you are my age!"

I thought about the last time I walked into Timpview High School (besides this one time last year when I was visiting this same teacher and a few of my friends who were seniors at the time). I was the same height as I am now. I blasted Bohemian Rhapsody on my way to school. I went out to lunch with a few of my best friends on the tennis team. I was devastated that Roger Federer pulled out of the French Open due to injury. I was excited to start BYU, but I was definitely going to miss high school. I would miss my social life, going to In-N-Out after football games, making quesadillas with my friends at my house for lunch, Great Harvest runs, and so much more. I thought I was going to be a commercial music major and one day bring classic rock back into the mainstream. I maybe wanted to minor in history. I was not looking forward to BYU not having any caffeine on campus. I was very excited, but also very anxious.

and boy, I was a very different person than I am at 20 years old.

yes, I am still the same height as I was back then. yes, I still blasted Bohemian Rhapsody in my car on the way to school. yes, I still love classic rock music and want to maybe someday bring it back into the mainstream. yes, I still have a lot of the same friends, but we don't see each other as much. some are serving missions, while others are attending different universities. even the ones who attend BYU with me aren't seen very often, because college can take over your life. but even though I thought I had it all with an amazing social life (and truth is, I still miss it sometimes), I have become a much better, stronger person.

I got rejected from the BYU Commercial Music program and decided that I wanted to do something that I love, which is sharing what I'm passionate about with other people. I declared my major as Teaching Social Science in winter of 2017, and officially entered the program in the fall. I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and that I can help so many people in the process, whether it be by teaching them history, listening to them, or even just being a friend. I have learned so much about history, geography, psychology, teaching others, and teaching myself. I still enjoy eating out, but instead of going to In-N-Out after football games, my friends and I will go after our shift is done, and we can't stay all night because I have a crap ton of economics homework to do. BYU has caffeine on campus now. Roger Federer is in the final round of the Australian Open this year. he won TWO GRAND SLAMS since he pulled out of the French Open in 2016.

anyways.

as weird as it is walking into your old high school and getting mistaken as a student multiple times (yes, this incident did happen a few more times), I am very proud of the person I have become. I am now more confident, more resilient, and less anxious. I have learned more about how to control both my ADHD and anxiety and still get good grades (getting on the right meds helps, too). I have a major that I love, and I have a plan for my future. I still hang out with some of my friends from high school, and I have made many new ones as well. I have learned how to serve and be a good example to others, even when I feel like sleeping through all of my classes. I have learned how to better get along with people and how to compromise (this one is HUGE). even though I have stayed the same height since I was 14, I have grown emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

oh, and I also decided that maybe, being a solid brunette wasn't as fun as, you know, getting a little blonde melt in my hair.

"be nice. be good."

It's 2017.
Be nice.
Be good.

— Harry Styles. (@Harry_Styles) January 1, 2017

I know it's a bit late to talk about New Year's resolutions and all that jazz, but this is something I've been working on this year. something I've noticed since I moved out of my family's house and on-campus is that it requires a lot more effort to be nice. In my family, we would talk about our day at the dinner table, because we would try to have family dinner as much as we could. we had to give a report on how we were doing in school, and we would either get lectured or we would get advice. we were also encouraged to talk about what's working in our life and what isn't. because my family was so open at the dinner table, we learned a lot of life lessons. we learned how to treat people the way they want to be treated. (for example, I love being around people and I would be fine if someone invited me to a football game and went to In-N-Out afterward, but other people might not be as social and would like to be left alone, and would appreciate kind words at most.) we learned the nicest way to say things but still get the point across, and if we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say it at all. now, I'm a bit more blunt and straightforward, so I often speak the truth, even if it isn't nice. I've been working on stating my opinions in a nicer way and not hurting other peoples' feelings. but I have learned a lot from these dinner table conversations, and they have helped me be a nicer person.

but I learned that not everyone grew up with consistent family dinners and life lessons at the dinner table. and it was a bit of a surprise to me, especially when I entered college. I've heard all these high schoolers complain about how everyone is so immature in high school and how they can't wait to get to college where everyone magically is 100x more mature because they moved on in their schooling.

and sorry bud, but that doesn't happen. and I was kinda shocked to find out that it doesn't. so I'm just warning you here.

I've met good people, and I've met not-so-good people. I've met people who love my outgoing personality, and I've met people who hate it. I've met people who love my music taste, and I've met people who think it's too weird and old-fashioned. I've met people who say they admire my authenticity and I've met people who just can't understand why I don't fit the cultural norms. I've met people who think I'm smart and have an interesting perspective, and I've met people who think I'm stupid and ignorant just because I lean a little more to the right on the political spectrum (and I've also met people who think those who lean a little more to the left are also automatically stupid and ignorant). I've met people who think I'm hilarious and I've met people who think I'm rude, self-centered, and that I need to be quiet. and yes, I know that I can't please everyone, but I wasn't expecting this many people to be displeased. 

these experiences have made me think about myself and what changes I need to make. no, these are not changes I am making to please them. these are changes I am making to benefit myself. I am looking at their not-so-good examples and learning from them. they are a good reminder to me of how I should and shouldn't treat others. it has also helped me realize that my bluntness can go a wee bit too far, and that I should hold back.

for example, I appreciate honesty. but which sounds better:
"hey, I'm trying to study right now, so could you please go in the kitchen? thank you!" or "how many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?! I literally have to restrain myself from telling you to shut up all the time. why don't you understand that not everyone wants to talk to you?"
"could you please put your dishes away?" or "why do you always leave your dishes out on the counter?! quit expecting others to take care of you!"
"That's an interesting perspective. I disagree with you, but now I feel like I understand why you have the views that you do! This is how I think about it" or "You are wrong. You obviously don't know anything about how the world works, or how it feels to be a minority. You are so ignorant, I can't believe that you are even in college."
"I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift. I prefer classic rock and alternative music, but I know that not everyone likes that, either!" or "Taylor Swift sucks, I can't believe you listen to that trash."

(DISCLAIMER: some of these bad examples are based off things other people have said to me, while others are based off things I have actually said myself. we are all learning!)

see? there is always a better way of saying things. and yes, it can be hard, and yes, I admit I have said the words "Taylor Swift sucks" on more than one occasion, and it's not fair if I am allowed to say that but that you aren't allowed to criticize Bohemian Rhapsody. I'm human. I'm trying.
(except I really don't like Taylor Swift.)

but instead of focusing on all the negative things about other people, we should try and look for the good. in the words of Queen and David Bowie, "why can't we give ourselves one more chance? why can't we give love one more chance?!" we can always give ourselves the chance to love. if you want to be a happier person, then be nice. be good. like I said, you're not going to please everyone, but you will make a lot more friends that way. and if you make others feel good, you will likely feel better about yourself!

yesterday was Easter, and I have learned a lot about the Easter story and about Jesus Christ in my New Testament class this semester. I've noticed at Christmastime how being kind and serving others is emphasized so that we can remember the true meaning, but Jesus gave us the greatest gift of all when he died for us- so that we can repent from our sins and be with our families for all eternity! I feel like He would want us to focus on being kind all year instead of just in December. and I'm not saying I'm a perfect example of this. I mean, I just said Taylor Swift sucks 2 paragraphs ago. and I know that people might freak out a little bit because trying to be Christlike is hard, so I'm not saying we have to be perfect. but all of us: you, me, your siblings, my siblings, your parents, my parents, your friends, my friends, Donald Trump, college basketball refs, BYU fans, Utah fans, and even the classiest people like Roger Federer can all try just a wee bit harder to be more kind and loving!

so let's give love one more chance.
let's be nice. let's be good.

(and if you really want to be good, listen to this live performance of Harry Styles singing "Sign of the Times". he sounds so different than when he was in One Direction, and I'm loving it. this is coming from someone who mostly listens to classic rock and alternative music. HARRY STYLES IS TALENTED OK?!)

singing in general conference.

I'll just start out this post with this video, a clip from one of my favorite Spongebob episodes. (yes, I'm 19. yes, I still enjoy Spongebob. yes, I am very immature.)

Spongebob seeing himself in this commercial is how I felt this past weekend. all women who participate in the BYU choirs and some choir alumni got to sing at the General Women's session of LDS general conference. this has actually been a lifelong dream of mine, to sing in a general conference session. ever since I was young, one of my favorite things about conference weekend was watching the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform and look for the people with the weirdest hairdos. I wondered what my hair would look like when I got to sing on TV, what I would wear, what I would sing, and how old I would be. I thought I would be closer to 59 than 19. but I guess I chose the right year to audition for BYU Women's Chorus, because WE were selected to sing at the general women's session this spring!

so, in case you ever wondered what it's like to sing in the conference center, in Salt Lake, in front of a live audience of 21,000 people, and even more watching online or on television, here you go:

(and of course, this is the best account you'll ever read because...you know...I'm honest.)

the BYU women's chorus started rehearsing for general conference in around October. when I found out that we would be performing 3 pieces + a congregational hymn in the General Women's Session, I was so excited. I couldn't believe that I could have this opportunity at such a young age. I mean, yes, I made it into an audition-only university choir as an alto 2 (for all you non choir people: this means I sing the lower alto part, so basically the bass part in a women's chorus). yes, I was one of 22 members of the madrigal choir my senior year of high school. yes, I have perfect pitch. yes, I sang Bohemian Rhapsody from memory in front of my 5th grade class at a karaoke party. but I didn't feel like I was conference material. I didn't feel worthy. and to be honest, we sounded pretty rough at first. there were moments when we were rehearsing that I wondered if we could even pull it off. and not only did I have to learn really low alto parts to 3 songs that I was already familiar with, I had to learn to sing them expressively. and being expressive in a performance is actually something I struggle with. on more than one occasion, the judges of my piano competitions told me that I was a technically great pianist, but I wasn't "emotional enough". I wasn't moving all over the keyboard, and I just wasn't "feeling" it. I was completely stiff. even though I did feel emotionally connected inside, I just couldn't show it. but when you are singing in conference, you have to look like you are bearing your testimony. and I tried, but it wasn't easy. but (as you will see later), we were able to pull it off.

something you might know about is the dress code. our wonderful director, Jean Applonie (someone misspelled her name in a hashtag on twitter as #JeanAppolenoie), chose the color scheme. basically, we didn't want to cause a heart attack.

Shout out to whoever picked the wardrobe for this year's choir. Finally some colors that don't cause a heart attack #womensconf #LDSConf

— Madeline Marie (@oymadelinemarie) March 26, 2017

Well, #JeanAppolenoie decided on a "narrow scope of jewel tones: medium to dark hues of blue, turquoise, green, and purple", and we either had to wear a solid dress, or a solid top with a black skirt. we could choose any of those colors, but if it was too light, we would have to select something else. dress/skirts had to be at least knee length when both standing and sitting, and if you did choose to wear an undershirt, it had to be either black or the same color as the shirt, because anything light would look bad on camera. for me, I had a hard time finding anything that fit the criteria, but then my mom picked out my dress as a late birthday present, and I loved it. it was perfect, and it was approved by the wardrobe committee. oh, and we had to do TV makeup and there were certain requirements for hairdos as well. no large buns on top of the head (we didn't want to block the girl behind us), and it had to look nice. nothing too fancy, but it had to be classy.

In order to get some good practice performances, we performed each of the songs at our fall concert and in BYU devotionals. after a few extra rehearsals outside of class, we finally felt like we were ready. (I ate half a pizza and drank a 32 ounce Diet Coke after our last out-of-class rehearsal before we went to Salt Lake. I needed to celebrate somehow.)

THE BIG DAY

I woke up, showered, got in my dress, and did my stage makeup before 11:00 am. then, my mom picked me up from my apartment and brought me home to do my hair. I had to be back at BYU at 1 in order to get on the bus. our plan was to arrive in Salt Lake at 2:30, but because it was raining and rain freaks everyone out for some reason, it took longer. on the bus, the WC presidency told us to prepare ourselves spiritually for this performance. most girls either read scriptures or studied their music. I knew that the only thing that would calm me down and get me focused was putting in my earphones and blasting Bohemian Rhapsody. (some people have different levels of spirituality, okay?!) we arrived at around 3 at the conference center in Salt Lake. we went through an entrance that I had never seen before, and it led us to a rehearsal theater. we did a quick warmup in there, and then section by section, we went up to the LOFT, which is where the choir would sing during the meeting! I was in section C, row 1, seat 1. right behind the organist. (why is it a thing to stick the 5 foot altos behind the organ? but it turned out to be a prime spot.) we did a soundcheck, went over some rules, went back to the theater to eat dinner, touch up our makeup, and went back to the loft for another sound/camera check. then, it was GO TIME.

I had been to 2 sessions of general conference in my life prior to this. the first one was a general women's session when I was 15 in March, and the second one was a Sunday afternoon session in October (I was still 15). seeing conference live has always been a cool experience, but it was a lot different sitting in the loft and having to watch the speakers on a tiny screen. Bonnie L. Oscarson, the general Young Women's president, opened the meeting. SHE IS SO COOL AND SHE ALWAYS GIVES GREAT TALKS. and then, for REAL, it was go time.

our opening song was "Come O, Thou King of Kings". (see if you can find me! also, I have this really cool, low alto part and I got to go full chest voice on it. it was great.)

then, after the opening prayer, we sang "I Feel My Savior's Love" (I AM IN THE FREAKING PREVIEW FOR THIS ONE GUYS THIS IS REAL)

my mom, her sister, and her sister-in-law all got tickets to this session. however, because no one knows how to handle rain here and the security people were going nuts and trying to dry off everyone's umbrella, they missed my first 2 songs, which are really the only ones where you can see me in the video. my mom spent the whole time trying to look for me, but since she was far away, it was unsuccessful. I tried to look for her in the audience, but I couldn't find her, either.

oh, and the congregational hymn was kinda a wreck. usually, they show the words on the screen so that everyone can sing them. but for whatever reason, they forgot to do it this time. NO ONE KNEW THE WORDS. and I tried to BS the alto part as best as I could. (I even practiced while fixing my makeup.) but...it was a struggle, but we pulled it off.

all the talks were amazing. to be honest, the general women's session isn't always my favorite meeting, but ALL the talks were great this time. I was actually paying attention to each one and focusing on the speaker, rather than the fact that I was sitting in front of 21,000 people. I put a link to the talks at the beginning of this post, and if you haven't read or listened to them yet, you should!

the closing song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" was my favorite one. it was one of my favorite songs when I was in primary, and it had a gorgeous alto part (do I act like all I care about is the alto part? well, I'm sorry. sometimes I feel like we are under appreciated). singing this song especially felt amazing, because it was the last one, and I felt really peaceful instead of nervous. I could feel my Savior's love for me, and I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me (yes, I'm being cliché, but IT WAS TRUE, OK?!). I have always felt the spirit strongly through music, and that's how I like to share my testimony. there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that mentions using my musical gifts to share the gospel, and I was definitely doing that. I felt so grateful that God blessed me with my voice, my piano skills, and the opportunity to sing in this choir.

after the closing prayer was said, President Henry B. Eyring and President Dieter F. Uchtdorf both turned around and waved at us, and then they gave us a thumbs up! I FELT SO APPRECIATED. then, Dieter's wife, Harriet, gave him a hug and waved at us, too, and I felt so much love from them. and THEN all of the Young Women's presidency, primary presidency, and Relief Society presidency came UP TO THE LOFT to tell us what a great job we did. IN PERSON. and of course, I said "thank you." they are all so kind, and I could feel their love for me and each member of the choir. it was surreal.

we weren't allowed to leave until after all the general authorities were gone, and most of the audience was gone, too. I went home with my mom and my aunts instead of going back on the bus. I could tell they were all so proud of me, even though they weren't able to see me (we later watched a recording on TV and then they could all see me). 2 days later, I still can't believe that I had the opportunity to sing at a general conference session, and I will always be grateful for it! I know that the gospel is true, and that music is a very powerful way of sharing it.

 the whole choir at rehearsal

 my brothers and my dad recorded it just so they could see me. Wesley got pretty excited.

 and here is the back of my head!

from a girl who isn't serving a mission

I have wanted to write about this for a long time. I even wrote an op-ed about this for my writing class, but instead of sharing it in a formal essay form, I want to share this in something more relatable, something more....straight from Merm's honest heart. so, before I get to the point, here's what I have to say first: 1. this is very personal to me, and your experience may be completely different from mine. I respect that, and I support that. 2. not everyone in Provo or in the LDS church is like this, so PLEASE don't judge a whole religion or community based off what some people have said to me. there have been many people who have been very supportive of me, and I would like to thank them. and 3. please, PLEASE be kind to everyone, regardless of whether they choose to serve a mission or not.

I've spent about 13 or 14 years of my life in Provo, Utah. lots of mountains, lots of snow, lots of road construction, and definitely lots of Mormons. to some outsiders, we aren't considered "real" Mormons because we have release time seminary, "everyone" is modest (except I got dress coded at a BYU party for the length of my shorts), there aren't any "real" temptations, and no one is going to question you for serving a 1.5 or 2 year mission.

but, they will question you if you don't. 

many of you are probably already asking "but why don't you want to serve a mission?" believe me. I've been asked that question just as much as I've been asked "are you planning on serving a mission?" before I answer this question, think about it. if it was the other way around, and I was planning on serving a mission, would you ask me "why are you going on a mission?" no. you probably wouldn't. you would probably just congratulate me and ask more mission related questions. so I think this is an extremely stupid question, but here is my answer.

as people sometimes forget, girls can choose whether or not they go on missions. if you don't believe me, President Thomas S. Monson said it himself when he announced the missionary age change. I don't feel like I need to serve a mission. I don't have the strong desire to serve a mission. News flash: not everyone has the desire to serve a mission. and that is perfectly fine. for me, I still don't exactly understand why I don't have the same desire as many of my friends do, but I do know that I've always wanted to get a college degree. yes, it is possible to get a degree and serve a mission, but for me, once I start something, I have to finish it. I have ADHD and anxiety, which both act up x10 when I have to adjust to a new change. I wouldn't be as motivated to go back to school because I would have to adjust to the routine again, which is NOT EASY FOR ME. yes, I know people with ADHD and anxiety who have served missions, but they would all agree that it is extremely challenging.

but even though I knew what I wanted to do, I would have friends and church leaders encourage me to pray about it more and tell me, "but you have such a strong testimony, and people need to hear it!" or "you are so good at talking to people!" or, my personal favorite, "I'm going on a mission, and all of our other friends are going, so why would you want to leave yourself out?" and then, I started to question myself. I started to think more about serving a mission, which of course, gave me anxiety, and whenever I thought about not serving, I felt better. but I didn't understand. I wanted to be accepted, but I just couldn't be honest. whenever people would ask me the question, I would say "I'm thinking about it" or "...yeah!" but it didn't feel good. finally, I asked myself why I was considering a mission, and these were the reasons:
everyone else is going. I'm feeling pressured by all my friends. serving a mission is a good thing. If I don't go, I'll feel left out. everyone else is going. it's the thing to do in Provo.

and THOSE ARE NOT GOOD REASONS. if anyone is considering serving a mission and these are the only reasons they can come up with, then pray about it, and if those are still the only reasons you have, THEN DON'T GO! serve a mission because you want to. serve a mission because you prayed about it, and you got a confirmation that it is the right thing to do. serve a mission because you want to help people learn about the gospel, despite all the challenges you will face. serve a mission because you will accept ANY place you get called to, no matter how hard the language is, how poor the country is, how weird the culture is, how gross the food is, or how "exotic" it is. serve a mission if that is what the Lord wants you to do, not what your friends, parents, or church leaders want you to do!

that being said, I have a HUGE respect for people who serve missions. both of my parents served, my dad in Okinawa Japan (now part of the Fukuoka mission, and Japanese speaking, obviously) and my mom in Houston, Texas, Spanish speaking. many of my friends either have served, are currently serving, or are preparing to serve, and what they have to go through is NOT easy. one of my best friends is serving in Ukraine, where people complain and drink vodka all the time and have a hard time understanding that there is a God who loves them. in Japan and other Asian countries, people would rather keep on worshipping their ancestors or forms of nature. and even English-speaking missions here in the United States, people just don't want to listen to you. you can't choose your companions, and I've heard many horror stories about bad companions. and to top off all that, it is a completely different environment than every day life. so anyone who is willing to do that and can last even just a few weeks is an absolute SAINT. it takes a lot of courage, strength, and perseverance, and I admire that. I don't have to serve a mission to be able to appreciate all that the missionaries do.

but deciding NOT to serve a mission also takes a lot of courage. I have been questioned, criticized, judged, and treated differently than I would have been if I had just done what everyone else did and said I was going on a mission. I have had people question my testimony, faith, and gospel standards. I have had people try and convince me to change my mind because "I didn't know if I wanted to go, but I did, and I loved it, so you will too!" none of this has been easy for me, and it wasn't until halfway through my senior year that I could feel confident when I said, "no, I'm not planning on a mission." I have had to learn patience and that most of these people have good intentions, they just don't understand that what the Lord wants me to do is different from what the Lord wants them to do.

to girls (and boys) who have served/are going on missions: my testimony isn't any weaker than yours, nor is yours any stronger than mine. the Lord has a unique plan for all of us: some people want to serve but don't end up going, some people don't want to serve but do end up going, and some people know what they want, and they do it. I love the gospel so much, but I can share it with others just by being an example to them and helping them make good choices. my mission is not to serve one. and that's okay. if the Lord wanted every girl to serve a mission, then the prophet would've said something. but he didn't. congrats for going on a mission, and I support you 100% for doing that. and I hope you will be able to support me for serving in a different way.

to girls (and boys) who are NOT serving missions: BE CONFIDENT. I know that there are many others in the same boat as me, but I don't know who you are. because either everyone is going on a mission, or they are too scared to say that they aren't. DON'T BE. because there are many other people who feel the same way, and they don't want to feel alone. you aren't any better or worse than those who have or are serving missions. so please, PLEASE be confident in your decision. it took me a while to get there, but it has made me feel a lot better about my decision not to serve.

and the bottom line? the Lord loves all of you. I know this because He has a different plan for each and every individual, instead of treating us all the same. He knows us and loves us, regardless of whether we serve a mission or not. and He would want us to love and support everyone as well.

the church is true. have a great day!

to be quite honest, college is scary.

to be completely honest, I have no problem with being completely honest. one of my favorite teachers wrote in one of my yearbooks, "you are honest to a fault". when asking for opinions, many of my friends come to me because they know that even though it may not be what they want to hear, I'm giving them the straight-up truth. I have no problem with sharing my opinions, I'm pretty open about my feelings, and I don't pretend to enjoy things that I don't. for example, I was talking with one of my roommates last night about musical preferences, and she said, "I love Taylor Swift." instead of giving the hesitant "yeah....me too!", I straight up said, "that's cool. I don't." I know, it probably isn't the best way to make friends with your roommate who you only met an hour ago, but that's just the way I am. Of course, I don't like to offend people with my honesty, nor do I ever mean to, but for me, it's easier to just directly say "I don't like Taylor Swift" instead of indirectly say that she's not my favorite, because some people interpret that as, "it's not her favorite, but she never said she doesn't like it, so she doesn't care if we listen to Taylor Swift together."

why is this even relevant to anything I'm talking about? well, I'm just trying to prove a point that everything I put on here isn't anything far from the truth.

I have always been pretty self-confident. maybe a little too self-confident at times, which I have learned from. but it's just not in my nature to pretend to be unconfident, because while I don't really care for Demi Lovato's music, she said it: "what's wrong with being confident?" I may come off as cocky to some people, but when people would ask "are you ready for (tennis match/ concert/ test/ recital/ other important event)?", I wasn't going to say, "no, I'm gonna mess up so bad and I suck at everything and I'm not ready!" because if I say that, I might start to believe myself. even though it's looked at as more "humble" to act nervous, I'd rather be honest than humble.

that being said, when I say I am completely nervous and NOT READY for college to start, then that means that I am actually telling the truth instead of trying to be humble. because as much as I would like to be confident about starting school and all these changes, I am not. 

first off, I have ADHD and even though I got a good ACT score and did pretty well in my AP classes in high school, COLLEGE IS DIFFERENT. I have to change my study habits and not wing things and hope for the best and not get distracted and actually learn how to focus because I am determined not to fail my first semester. so even though I was clutch in high school, I have to learn how to be clutch in college. and if I want to graduate in 4 years, then I HAVE TO BE CLUTCH. but I'm pretty sure that almost every college student is a bit scared for this part, so good to know I'm not alone. now for the less obvious, more personal concerns I have.

I'm the oldest of 3 children. I'm the only girl, and I have 2 younger brothers. (if you didn't get it already, I have NO SISTERS.) I've never had to share a room with a sibling in my life, not even when I lived in our one-bedroom apartment in Tokyo. I slept alone in the living room. while I am very outgoing and love being around people, I'm usually the person who drives my own car to meet up with my friends instead of get a ride with them because we've been hanging out all day for 5 hours already. at the end of the day, I like to have some time by myself to relax. I like having some space. the only "sleepovers" I ever did were for school overnight trips. I never had any sisters who were overly sensitive or dramatic, and my brothers and I have been messing with each other since I can remember. and yes, while many of my good friends are female, some of my closest friends are guys. so you place a girl with only brothers who has never shared a room in her life in a 3-bedroom apartment on campus with 5 OTHER GIRLS WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET, ALL of whom have sisters, and one of those girls is in MY BEDROOM, you get a girl who is a bucket of stress. a girl who has never had to deal with that much estrogen, except for the girls tennis team. and we were PLAYING TENNIS, not living together! you get a girl who breaks down and calls her mom every day, even though my house is literally 5 minutes away from my apartment. you get a girl who is worried about offending people with her opinions, her loud music (that is different than what my roommates prefer), or her personality. the 5 days that I've lived on campus have been some of the hardest, scariest days of my life. I locked myself out of my apartment 3 times on my first day, and while I survived, I'm absolutely terrified of leaving my keys anywhere. it's a whole new experience.

I've never really been one to conform for the sake of conformity. I've always listened to my own music, not what is on the Top 40 radio. my favorite movie is Anchorman, and I'm guessing that less than 20% of BYU students have even seen that movie. I've never seen a church movie, I didn't vote for David Archuleta on American Idol (I voted for David Cook and therefore contributed to Archuleta's loss. and how hypocritical of me, a Mormon living in Utah to not support another Mormon living in Utah!), I do my homework on Sundays, I have never fasted for 24 hours, I never went to EFY, I don't play Pokemon Go, I don't use the puppy filter on snapchat, and I don't own a maxi skirt. I've always dressed in my own style, which for me includes shorter shorts and shorter dresses. not so short that a church leader would call me out for it, but too short to wear to BYU, which the requirement is knee-length. I run around in a tennis skirt and a tank top most of the time because I don't feel like changing after playing. and you guessed it- tank tops are only allowed in designated areas of BYU campus, and they are definitely not the "preferred" choice of exercise clothing. so following the BYU dress code is definitely going to require some conformity. I actually went to Called to Surf for the first time in my life and I bought 3 long dresses there, and I wore one to a farewell, and for the first time in my life, I saw a friend wearing my same dress. then at work, I saw at least 10 EFY girls and BYU students wearing my same dress. and I feel like I'm losing my personal identity, because in a way, I'm being forced to dress like everyone else. and I don't like that. I tried venting about this to someone, but all they said was, "you signed the Honor Code, so you can't complain." and I know I signed the Honor Code, but NOT EVERYONE WHO GOES TO BYU AUTOMATICALLY IS GOING TO BE EXCITED ABOUT WEARING LONGER DRESSES AND PANTS IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. it's going to be a really hard adjustment for me, and I'm not going to pretend to be excited about it. I'm just going to have to suck it up. and does that make me any less nervous? NO.

as earlier stated, the Mormon culture is really strong over here. I love the gospel of the LDS church, I have a testimony, and I really do try to live it as best as I can. but I've never had the desire to serve a mission, and I don't feel like that's what Heavenly Father desires for me either. which of course should be fine because girls are not required to go on missions. but there is still a lot of pressure, especially in Provo and especially at BYU, to go on a mission. I'm worried that people won't accept me because I'm not going on a mission like they are/did. I've already gotten negative reactions from people when they find out that I'm not going. I am confident in my decision, and I have many people who are supportive, but it's not very fun to get criticized for a very personal decision that I have made. and this is coming from a girl who doesn't even care what people think of her 90% of the time! I know that there are many other girls at BYU who are in my same boat, but as of right now, they are a lot harder to find than the girls who are excited about serving a mission.

with all that being said, I didn't choose to go to BYU for the dress code (which is only a part of the Honor Code). I didn't choose to go to BYU because at least half the student population is serving a mission. I didn't choose to go to BYU to be around people who don't dress like skanky hoes (remember how I said I am a very blunt person?). I chose to go to BYU because...I've always wanted to go. both of my parents went there, and my dad loved it so much he came back to work as a chemistry professor! (I also came because I get half tuition because of my dad and it's a lot cheaper than anywhere else.) I chose to go to BYU because it has many amazing programs that have great reputations. I chose to go to BYU because I had to work hard to get the grades and the ACT score to get in, and I earned it. I chose to go to BYU because I have always loved going to football and basketball games with my family. I chose to go to BYU because of the high standards (no alcohol, no drugs, no football games on Sundays). I chose to go to BYU because people from all over the world come here to get an education, and I will make many friends from different places. so even though there are many things that I am absolutely terrified for when I start my classes on Monday, I am confident that I made the right decision on where to go to college.

junior "graduation speech"

as of yesterday, my junior year officially ended. and in some ways, it was the best year of school. in other ways, it was the worst year of school. the end of this year has been quite bittersweet. there was some celebration and tears of joy; there was some lamentation and tears of sadness. I did have friends who were in my own grade, but a lot of my friends were either sophomores or seniors. it had been that way since I was a freshman; I became close friends with a few sophomores, and then when I became a sophomore, I wanted to keep my junior friends but also be an example to the freshman and be that friend to them that those sophomores were to me a year ago. well, it didn't really occur to me while I was a sophomore that my junior year, all my older friends would be seniors, and it would be their last year. and that the year after that, I would be a senior. I know that after high school, we move on to bigger and better things, but the friends that I have right now, I don't really want anything bigger or better than them. but this year was my last year with many of my friends, and next year will be my last year with all my friends. so, this year, I tried to make the best of it.

the summer of my sophomore year was also my first year on the tennis team. someone showed up to practice and I thought she was a senior, so I introduced myself and asked what her name was. she replied, "Miss Baker." then it hit me. she would be my AP world teacher that year! I told her that she was listed as my 7th period and she and I were put on opposite teams for a drill. I ended up getting her out, and sure enough, she remembered on the first day of class. I guess it clicked from there, because she became my favorite teacher ever, and I ended up loving AP world history, and I guess Baker loved me too, because she let me TA for her a semester of my junior year. sadly, I could only do it first semester because I needed to get more elective credits, and second semester I had seminary that period, and I didn't want to miss seminary because I finally had a good teacher and a few really good senior friends in my class who I might not see after this year. but seminary ended when the seniors graduated (which was a week before school got out), so I went to Baker's classroom to say goodbye to the students I TAed for one last time. she asked me to give advice to them for next year, and some kid asked me to stand on the desk. so, I did. if anyone wants to see it, she posted it on her Facebook, and it got a lot of views! (1,233 to be exact), and if you aren't friends with her (which you probably aren't), I shared it on my Facebook. and if you don't have Facebook, then there is no way.

I only had 3 minutes, so I chose the very best things to share with them. but here is an extended version with all the important things I learned in high school this far. and I'm not saying everyone should read this, but if 1,233 people have watched my pep talk to Baker's class, then.....this gotta be pretty good. so, here is My Speech To Baker's Class Plus Additional Advice.

to put it simply, junior year can really suck sometimes. it's the year before your senior year, which is when you apply for colleges. so junior year, the counselors come in and talk about looking at scholarship options and how to prepare yourself for college. and it hits you that you really are getting to be that old. how did this happen? no one knows. and you HAVE to take the ACT that year at least once. I took it twice. I really want to go to BYU because I get half tuition since my dad's a professor there, it's close by so my dorm won't be too far from my family, and it's a great school. well, it's not the easiest to get into. my dad, being a professor there himself, said that the average ACT score is 28 and I don't remember what the GPA was, but pretty high. so, I was under quite a bit of pressure to get a good ACT score because I didn't want to take that test 5 times. it is TORTURE, I tell you. both days I took it were the longest days of my life (besides my aunt's wedding and the day we went to Japan and flew 12-14 hours-ish). the first time I took it, I got lower than a 28, so my dad enrolled me in the prep class before I took it the second time. and I thought it wouldn't help at all, but turns out, it helped me get more familiar with the test, and when I took it for real, it was still hard, but it was a little bit easier. 3 weeks later, I found out that I got a higher score than a 28, something that seemed unrealistic the first time I took the test. so, tip number 1: TAKE THE ACT PREP CLASS. 

junior year is also way stressful because that's when a lot of AP classes are offered. I took AP US History and AP English, and I could've taken AP Calculus, but there is no way I would ever take an AP math class, so I got out of that one and took College Algebra/Trig (there's not very many options after taking Pre-Calculus your sophomore year). I was also in Honors Physiology, so between those 4 classes, I had a lot of homework. and in addition to that, I was on the tennis team, taught 3 piano students, practiced piano 1-2 hours a day, was in choir, and wanted a social life. I also wanted sleep. I was busy all the time. AND I have ADHD, so I could either find my motivation and get stuff done quickly, or my ADHD would kick in and I couldn't focus whatsoever. but no matter what, do your homework. grades actually matter. high school is really important. I've seen a few of my senior friends who are so talented, so smart, and so capable of getting into any college, but they slacked off and decided they were too tired to do their homework, never did it, didn't go to class, and didn't get into the college of their choice. DO NOT LET THIS BE YOU! so, if you're tired, just find that motivation to at least start your homework. if it's after 12:30, then it's too late for me and going to bed wins, and don't even think that you can get it done in the morning. it is impossible. but at least try to get it done. you will feel so much better knowing got something done. so pretty much, just DO YOUR DANG HOMEWORK.

a really unfortunate trend at my school is skipping class, or as Utahns call it, "sluffing". if you didn't do your homework on time, here's a simple solution: SLUFF CLASS AND GET IT DONE AT HOME! (or, more frequently, GET FOOD WITH YOUR FRIENDS!) have a test in class that you didn't study for? here's a simple solution: SLUFF CLASS AND STUDY IN THE LIBRARY! (or forget about it and get food with your friends!!)
no. no. NO. NO. do not do this. it isn't worth it. my parents check my attendance records every Sunday, so I know that if I sluff class, I'm screwed and my dad takes my car for a week. but for those whose parents don't really have rules about that, don't do it. you will always be in catch-up mode, and you will have twice as much homework as you would have had before. and if it's the day of a test that you didn't study for? if you didn't finish your project on time? ADMIT YOU ARE A SLACKER AND COME TO CLASS! I've had to do that this year, and going unprepared is better than not going at all. and it's a really bad habit to get into. I've seen it, and it's sad.

and please, do the work yourself. I'm not saying don't ask friends for help. I do that all the time. but don't have them do everything for you. it will not help you on a test. when I took AP world as a sophomore, we had to write our own flash cards. I think I made over 250. maybe even 400. but I wrote down every single word and every single definition, and this was my sophomore year. I just finished my junior year, and I still remember most of them. so, IF YOU DO YOUR OWN WORK, YOU WILL DO BETTER.

this was my pep talk to Baker's class in more depth. well, now's some more advice that I couldn't mention in that. and this stuff is also really important, and every high schooler should know this stuff.

it's okay if you change friendships. my best friends in elementary school weren't my best friends for a while. in junior high, we drifted apart, and somehow, junior year, I became close to them again. and I am so grateful for that. in other friendships, we drifted apart and never came back. you just have to learn that it's a part of growing up, and that people change, interests change, and friendships change. and the best friendships are those that are still strong, even after tennis season ends, even after you aren't in the same classes. I met one of my very best friends my freshman year while he was a sophomore. we had one class together, and then after that semester, I didn't really expect to see him that much anymore. but he kept on going out of his way to talk to me, and I really appreciated that. we were good friends when we had that class together, but after it ended, we became even better friends. we maintained our friendship my sophomore year, and I asked him to Morp my junior year, and now, he's graduated and has a mission call, but if we hadn't kept on talking to each other even after our class ended, I wouldn't have become such close friends. and sometimes, friends who you thought were good friends start making bad choices, and you don't have to support them! just be kind to them, and if they stop making an effort, then you don't have to, either!

school dances taught me a lot of lessons. I didn't get asked to Homecoming in the fall, and I definitely didn't expect that. I thought that since I was talented, I knew lots of people, I had lots of friends, I was part of the tennis team, I was sophomore homecoming princess, and I was pretty, I would get asked. but that didn't happen. I had been looking forward to getting asked since I was sophomore homecoming princess the year before, and I even got a dress and everything. but the boys just didn't ask me. now, I could've just said "screw boys and dances, if they aren't gonna ask me, I'm not gonna ask them!" that is not the way to handle it at all! I figured that if they weren't gonna ask me, I was gonna ask them anyway and prove to them what a good time I am and that I deserve to get asked. as soon as homecoming ended, a bunch of girls started asking to Sadie Hawkins, but I wanted to wait. well, the top 2 boys I wanted to ask, got asked within the 3 days after homecoming. so this leads to lesson number 2: if you know who you want to ask, ask them ASAP. don't just wait until the last minute. so, I had to hurry and ask someone else, and I picked someone I had only talked to a few times. and I ended up having a GREAT time, and we became pretty good friends! so lesson 3: it can be fun to go with people you don't know very well.
after Sadie Hawkins came Sweethearts. so, I had already learned my lesson with homecoming, but lesson number 4: don't anticipate getting asked to a boys choice dance. this doesn't mean being a pessimist, but it makes getting asked a lot more exciting, and it makes not getting asked a lot less disappointing. I didn't get asked to Sweethearts, and I would've liked to, but since I wasn't expecting it, it wasn't too hard. and back to lesson number 2: I had already picked out who I wanted to ask to Morp, and I asked him the week before Sweethearts. he answered me 3 days later. some girls weren't too happy because I asked "too soon", but since I knew who I wanted to ask, I just went ahead and did it. and I'm glad I did it when I did, because instead of focusing on not getting asked to Sweethearts, I focused on how excited I was for Morp, which ended up being the best date I had so far. when Prom rolled around, I still hoped to get asked, but I wasn't anticipating it because I hadn't been asked to the first 2 boys choice dances. but LO AND BEHOLD, I got asked to Prom, and a lot of my Prom group was also in my Sadie Hawkins group! so, lesson 5: PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. if I hadn't asked to Sadie Hawkins, I wouldn't have made friends with the boys in that group, and I wouldn't have had a Prom group to go into. but getting asked to Prom was 100x more exciting because I wasn't anticipating it. and I'm glad I got the opportunity to go to the 3 dances I went to this year, because they were 3 of the best nights of high school.

MORP 2015: Lance and Jaysi, Jackson H and Hally, Maloy and Annie, Jackson R and Emily, Micah and Fielding, Regan and Scott, me and Jackson B, Kaitlyn and Chandler

finally, let's talk about change. this is my Morp group from March 2015. at the time, only Maloy had his mission call to Little Rock, Arkansas. but all the boys in my group were talking about starting their mission papers and how excited they were, and it hit me that all these boys would be leaving sometime this year (except Fielding who's in my grade). so, while I was on that date, I tried to enjoy the moment as much as I could, because in just a few months, my date would be going somewhere foreign to preach the gospel for 2 years. and it's a hard change. I've had a few of my older friends leave, and it's not easy to say goodbye to them, and just thinking about saying goodbye to these boys makes me really sad. now, all of them except Scott (who doesn't turn 18 until later this summer) and Fielding (who's in my grade) have their calls: Lance got his first, to Jacksonville, Florida, Spanish speaking. a month later, Jackson R, Chandler, and Jackson B (my Morp date) opened their calls on the same night: Jackson R to Charleston, West Virginia; Chandler to Atlanta, Georgia; and Jackson B to Dnepropetrovsk (ne-pro-pe-TROVSK), Ukraine, Russian speaking. and a month later, Jackson H to Eugene, Oregon. looking back on this picture gives me so much nostalgia because all of these boys were talking about preparing, and now, all but 2 have calls! it was so exciting watching them opening or hearing the good news, but it's also been very hard for me. I mean, these are all my friends, and they're all going stateside except Jackson B, who is going all the way to freaking UKRAINE. at first, I was just excited because he had been anticipating the call so much, and we were just relieved to know that it finally came. but the next day, it hit me that Ukraine isn't the safest or happiest place in the world. Russian is a hard language. and do I really want one of my best friends going there? but I just had to tell myself that Ukraine needs the gospel right now, and out of all my friends, Jackson is the one who needs to teach it there. as the departure dates get closer, what gets me through is just knowing that it's better if they go than if they stay, and that all of these places need the gospel, and that they are all doing the right thing. and I'm not ashamed to admit it, I've cried about it a few times, and the change is going to be hard for me. I'll be at school without my best friends. but while they're gone, instead of staying home and crying all the time, I will still put myself out there. if I'm going to write them, I need things to tell them about! so, I will try to make my senior year the best year I can and hang out with more people, get more involved in school activities, and have a good time!

so, sorry this was way long. but the take home message from this post: do your dang homework. don't slack. don't skip class. it's okay if friendships change, but they don't have to end just because you don't see them anymore. it's okay not to get asked to a dance, but don't let that define you. ask to the ones that you can get asked to, because it increases your chances of getting asked in the future. if you know who you want to take, ask ASAP. and change is hard, but try to make the best of it. if your friends get mission calls, just try to remember that they are doing the right thing, and that it's time for them to bless other peoples' lives, not just yours (did that sound cheesy? sorry about that). so, it's been a great year. it's been a hard year. but, now, school is out, and I can play tennis whenever I want and eat ice cream and go on bike rides and hang out with friends and try to get a job and sleep all day and attend mission farewells and try not to cry about it too much!

NEW YORK {part 2: Palmyra & Niagara Falls}

so, if you haven't read Part 1 first, you probably should. so, I will pick up where I left off from. we left our friend the Boyce's house in Flemington, New Jersey to drive to Palmyra, New York. the drive was about 5 hours long, and the 3 of the Castle kiddos were crammed in the back of a rental car. driving in the East is exciting for about 5 minutes, but there's only one thing to look at: trees. trees were everywhere. even in New York City, there were trees on the side of the freeway, and that's all you can see. so, after driving through trees all morning, we got a bit restless. finally, we made it to Palmyra, one of the most historic towns in the restoration of the Mormon church.

 the whole family outside the Sacred Grove, where Joseph Smith prayed to ask which church was the true church. if you aren't familiar with the story, God and Jesus appeared to him in this grove of trees and said that none of them were true, and he had to translate the Book of Mormon and restore the Gospel. and I am so grateful he did that! otherwise, our family wouldn't be at this grove of trees!

 because Provo is pretty much Mormonville, USA, a lot of people noticed the boys' shirts and said something like "Go Cougars!" or "I've been to Provo" or "I have family down there!" or pretty much anything related to BYU. good choice, boys.

 unlike my brothers, I was not sporting any attire that screamed "I'm from Provo!" Dad convinced me that it was going to be cold, so he made me wear leggings instead of shorts. well, turns out he was completely wrong because it heated up really fast! but I was grateful for the leggings because the Sacred Grove is a popular place for mosquitoes. I already have several mosquito bites covering both my legs, and I didn't want to add to the collection! I hope Heavenly Father protected Joseph Smith from all the mosquitoes when he went in to pray! that was never mentioned in the story!

after the grove, we went to Joseph Smith's log cabin, barn, and some other house his family lived in. our missionary tour guide has a great fashion sense. someday, if I end up serving a mission, that will be me. but I will have to grow a foot. or two! (I am definitely considering the possibility of a mission when I am 19, but it all depends on the circumstances. it's not a definite decision yet, but I have a couple more years!)

 after we saw the log cabin, the barn, and the print shop where the first Book of Mormon was printed, we went to the Hill Cummorah Pageant. last year, for youth conference, I went to the Manti Pageant, and I liked it, but it was super long. this one was a lot shorter, and it focused mainly on Book of Mormon stories. I really enjoyed it. before the pageant, there were a lot of protesters outside, yelling at the top of their lungs. they stopped as soon as the pageant started, but as soon as it ended, they were up and at it again. we decided to make our escape and drive to Victor, New York to find our next hotel.

the next day, we drove from Victor to...........

 NIAGARA FALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Wes's version of either Magnum or Blue Steel from Zoolander. Sometimes I regret letting him watch that movie with me, but it's fun to have someone who can at least quote half of it with me.

 now, Wes thinks he's a hand model.

this was one of my favorite parts of the trip. I have seen so many pictures of Niagara Falls, but it is sooooooo much more spectacular in real life. we did the "Maid of the Mist", where we got on a boat that went right under the mist of the falls! we got to wear these stylish blue ponchos, and we even entered Canada illegally! while I was on the boat, my phone vibrates and I get this text that says "Welcome to Canada! please turn off data in order to avoid charges" or something like that. it was quite funny. so now, I've been to the USA, Japan, the UK, and Canada! but then again, I've never set foot on Canadian soil, so I probably shouldn't count that.

 the mist up close!

 "take a picture of my arm hair!"- Justin. guess it didn't turn out the way he wanted!

 I won't even say anything anymore about Wesley's faces.

next, we turned in our blue ponchos and did the "Cave of the Winds". we got some really ugly sandals and some yellow ponchos. we walked in the caves right by the falls, and we got sooooooooo close. the spray felt sooooooo good too!

 the Family of Bananas.

we were literally getting a shower from the waterfalls. 

my brothers loved the sandals so much, they took them home as souvenirs. unfortunately, our time at Niagara Falls had to come to an end, and we got back in the rental car to drive towards Philadelphia, our next stop on our trip! we drove to the Whitmer Farm and took a tour of it, and saw the same missionaries we saw at Palmyra! my brothers enjoyed playing the computer games at the visitors center. 

we got one picture, and a bonus thumb in front of the lens! the first church meeting was held here, I think. I don't quite remember. pretty sad.

after our quick stop, we drove to Binghamton, New York to sleep for the night. we were not very impressed with the town, which looked like it had seen better days. my brothers were probably not the most courteous guests at the Holiday Inn there, because they enjoyed riding up and down the elevators and jumping out and scaring people. I spilled my lemon water all over myself. good job boys. 

well, I had a great trip, and I promise Philadelphia will be up pretty soon. I was at girls camp all week, so I couldn't get this up as soon as you probably wanted. just kidding. not that anyone even checks my blog anyways!

the usual tennis update & a photoshoot

I should really call this blog something cheesy like "Tennis Begins With Love". or "Love Means Nothing in Tennis." or pretty much, "I Love To Play Tennis And When It's Not Tennis Season I'm Depressed Because I'm Not Playing Tennis And The Weather Is Too Cold (And I Occasionally Have Deep Thoughts And Go On Vacations)". but really, it seems like a good percentage of these posts are about tennis. and really, that's pretty much my life in the summer. but I love it.
I am doing the city league once again, and I have loved it. I have played 4 matches, and I have won 3 of them! the first 2 were played in Spanish Fork, and I won the first one, 5-1. they did a weird thing where it's first to 5 instead of an 8-game pro-set, or even just a single 6 game set. but at least i won. the second girl I was beating 4-0, but a lot of the games were really close, and we were both fighting hard. finally, I just got really tired, and she had this amazing comeback and was able to beat me 5-4. so, being the loser, this sucked. but I do admire her for being able to come back and win! I have always wanted to be able to do that. and we both played really well.
the next 2 were played at Lehi High School. This time, because there weren't a ton of girls on the Provo team, I had to play 2 girls from Lehi. we just played one set. the first girl was my age, and my coach was surprised at how quickly we finished. I won, 6-1. I was getting a lot of my shots in, and I wasn't trying to hit winners. I was just trying to keep the ball in play for as long as I possibly could, knowing she'd eventually get tired and hit into the net. which usually happened. as soon as I reported my score, my coach immediately sent me back out to play my second match. I said, "but I'll get tired!" and he said, "you're playing her sister. so it's like a normal 2 set match against the same person. you will either destroy the whole family, or they will get revenge!" well, this sister had watched the entire first match, and I thought she was either scared, or she had figured me out by watching me, and had a game plan. our first games ended in deuces (we went into 5 the first game), but I would always win the last point. then, later on into the match, I noticed that she would get tired, and I hit a lot of winners, and she would hit....well, out. I won, 6-0. so I guess I'm a family destroyer.

in addition to city league, I have a private coach. My old one, Mike, was wonderful, and we loved him. But this year, he was too busy to coach, so he referred us to Francis, the captain of the BYU Tennis team and the top player. At first, we were really sad because like I said earlier, we loved Mike and we would really miss him. Pretty much, we had no idea what to expect. But we loved Francis the minute we met him, and I have improved so much in just 3 weeks, more than I improved last season! First, he started by changing my serve. I already had a really consistent flat serve, and if I didn't make my first, I would almost always make my second. Well, now Francis wants me to leave behind that perfect flat serve, and develop a powerful, slice serve. At first, I wasn't too excited about that idea because my serve was already good. but a slice serve has so much more power, and you can do so much more with it. now, my slice serve forgets to "slice" about half the time, and ends up crashing into the net, going long, or I freak out and hit a perfect flat serve. Also, I still use a flat serve as my second serve in my matches. But every serve is better than the last, and it "slices" more each time! he has also worked with me on...everything, things that I would have never noticed before. but every day, I learn a new useful technique, and boy, has that helped! today, I had the amazing opportunity to attend his baptism and be the pianist! (I had no idea until about 5 minutes before it started, but I did great.) It was an amazing program, and all the talks were so good, and his testimony was amazing. (I've said that word like 3 times in the past sentence, but really. it was amazing.) I think it's so cool when someone comes to BYU as a nonmember, meets with the missionaries, and is able to get baptized!
(Also, he is from England. And he has an accent.)

well, that was the tennis update. here is something not related to tennis! my lovely friend Hannah has a great camera and offered to take my pictures. we took about 200, but my eyes were closed in 80% of them. we did have a lot of good ones! here are a few of my favs:

 that is not snow. that is cotton. and I am extremely allergic to that.

 

 I do not want anyone to see my eyeballs. OK?!

 

....and then, I told Hannah, "I'm really hungry!" and she said, "let's get ice cream and use it as a prop!"