new year, new me, new hair, new major, new blog

I've had this blog since.... 2011. yep, 2011.

I made my first post when I was in 8th grade. I looked like this. (I made brownies with my friend that day and we ended up having a special photoshoot in our aprons)

I don't know why my parents decided to let an almost-14 year old get a blog. or maybe, I didn't tell them and they just went with it. mainly, I wanted a place where I could post about what my family was doing while we lived in Tokyo. plus, my grandparents refused to get a Facebook but were very into reading blogs, so I figured that if I became the "family blogger", I could talk about Japan and about what I wanted to talk about, which was mostly One Direction, stuff I found on Pinterest, or why I was a loser because I only owned 4 pairs of TOMS shoes and my friends owned EIGHT.

I'm not sure who read my blog besides my relatives, but I liked having a place to write AND post pictures (because, in a journal, you can't do that), and my grandparents in Arizona (again, they don't believe in social media) wanted to hear about what I was doing in school, how tennis was going, the date dances I went on, and the vacations I took, so I kept at it. I'm glad I did. because I don't live at home right now, I don't have access to a lot of old pictures, so if I ever want to remind myself what my fashion sense was like when I was 14 years old, or if I'm feeling nostalgic about when my family went to the UK in 2014, I can go to my blog and read about all the fun times I had, see how much I have grown up, and try not to laugh at myself too much. so, even though blogging is normally associated with Mormon Moms, fashion, art, recipes, fitness, or missionary letters, I didn't care that I didn't exactly fit in. It was nice, and as I got older, it became therapeutic.

But the thing is, I've changed a lot since 2011. it's obvious. I was 13, almost 14. I'm 20 now. I've been blogging on this blog for 7 years. and that's a pretty long time. and I guess there comes a point where I just need to move on. but I don't want to completely start over, either. I like to look at my old posts and try not to cringe too much at my former self. but it just feels...juvenile, for me, a 20 year old college student, to post about complex issues like mental health on the same website where I posted about how Liam Payne said that he was afraid of using spoons in restaurants (I had way too much time on my hands. It's embarrassing how much One Direction trivia I knew back in the day). and I've been wanting to make changes for a while, but I haven't had a lot of time.

well, last night I figured out how easy it was to export blog posts over to Wordpress, so I did it. I didn't export all of them, of course. I exported all my posts from spring of 2016 onward, around the time I was transitioning from graduating high school to preparing for college. like I said, I didn't want to completely start over, nor did I want to just go through all my old posts and delete them. so, I compromised. 

so, from this point on, I will be posting everything at

http://miriamcastle.WORDPRESS.com (it's not case sensitive)

it has everything from 2016-present, so all my recent posts are over there, too.

goodbye, miriamcastle.BLOGSPOT.com . it was a good 7 years. 

(PS. DO NOT FORGET TO FOLLOW http://miriamcastle.wordpress.com !!!!!

mid-college crisis

I have a white friend now and I've learned that abruptly going from brunette to blonde (or vice versa!) is a white woman stress signal, kinda like when squid quickly change their colors, it's a sign of distress!

— Jasmine Sha-Ree Sanders (@JasMoneyRecords) December 2, 2017

I'm a natural brunette. occasionally, I would have these natural blonde highlights show up in the summer, and sometimes people asked me if I got my hair lightened, but I did not want any more color than that. when I was 15, I made a commitment to grow out my hair, and I ended up loving not having to style my thick hair every day like I did when it was shorter. being a brown-eyed brunette with long, thick, naturally straight hair was part of my identity, and I was insistent on never changing that. around the time I graduated high school, a lot of my friends were either cutting or changing their hair color because it was "time for a change". I guess moving out of the house and starting college meant taking on a new identity. but I was in no way ready to give that up. if someone had changed their hair, I knew that it was code for "I needed a change" or "I'm going through a crisis". I made it a goal that no matter what crisis I went through, I would not touch my hair unless I needed to trim off some split ends.

fast forward to September of 2017. I was in my second year of college, and it was my first semester as a teaching major. I had a 4-hour class every day from 8-noon (most of the time, we would be observing classrooms in public schools all over Utah County, so thankfully, I was on my feet for most of the time). because I spent a lot of time off campus, my parents decided that it was not practical for me to share a car with my 16 year old brother anymore (I mean, it wasn't practical in the first place because I didn't live at home my freshman year either, but I spent a lot more time on campus and there was no parking in my dorm), so I now drove my own black Kia that I named Axl. I had a private room in a new apartment south of campus, and I did not know any of my roommates or anyone in my complex. a lot of my friends from my first year of college left on missions, and some of my older friends were coming home from their missions. a few of them ended up getting engaged reallllly fast after coming home. all of those were big changes for me. some were good changes, while others gave me major anxiety. I was closer to 20 than 19, and I was growing up. freak, I had students who were calling me "Miss Castle" and were treating me like I was a real teacher.

so, one day, while I was observing a 9th grade geography class at a junior high, I decided that this was the time. not only did I want a change, but I needed a change.

so, I texted one of my best friends from high school who was in hair school, and told her that I wanted more blonde in my hair, but I didn't know what I wanted. we discussed different options, and 2 days later, I got a subtle melt. it wasn't a major change, but my roots were definitely brunette and my ends were definitely blonde.

as cheesy as it sounds, changing my hair marked a lot of transitions in my life. a new major, a new apartment, a new ward, new friends, new classes, and new opportunities. I ended up teaching a review game to 3 different 11th grade US History classes. I taught a lesson about the Standard Oil Company to students in an alternative high school. once my teaching observation class was done (it was only half of the semester), I spent my mornings volunteering at a special needs preschool for part of a psychology assignment. I only needed 11 hours, but I loved it so much that I ended up doing a total between 30 and 40 hours. I developed relationships with these children that have taught me love, patience, and compassion in ways that I had never felt. not only am I learning to become a better teacher, I am learning to become a better person. and overall, I have become more confident.

change has always been hard for me. and I mean really hard. but I have learned that it is really important to get outside your comfort zone every now and then. and sometimes, in order to cope with everything, you need to do something fun, like changing your hair.

oh, and last week, when I went in to get my split ends trimmed, I got my color redone. this time I went a wee bit blonder, because a little change can, you know, be pretty fun.

(that strawberry was really delicious and juicy, in case you wanted to know)

generalized anxiety.

I have never wanted to admit it, but I am a perfectionist.

not in the way that I always had to get straight-A's on every assignment or else I would bribe my teachers with cookies in order to change that. not in the way that I always had to be 5 minutes early to every class. not in the way that I would be extremely disappointed in myself if I did not practice the piano for exactly 2 hours every day. in fact, when I thought I wanted to be a piano performance major (throwback to my junior and senior years of high school!), if I did practice 2 hours, I would celebrate by doing all these ridiculous wrist-relaxation exercises.

but yes, I am a perfectionist. but the standards of perfection are never set in stone. they are more like a moving target, set by me. I don't have to get a 90% on every assignment. That's unrealistic. what I mean is that if I don't think that I did well enough considering my effort, preparation, hard work, and/or natural abilities, then I did not do well enough. if I hit the snooze button too many times, was late to my 8:00 am econ class and missed the pop quiz, then I've failed. because I KNOW I can wake up on time. I've done it before. In order to get myself out of bed, I have to take morning classes. I've done it every semester of college. sure, I might mess up a few times, but HOLY FREAK IF IT IS ECON 110 AND THERE IS GOING TO BE A POP QUIZ RIGHT AT 8:00, THEN I CANNOT BE LATE AND WHEN I AM, OH BOY AM I SCREWED. 

or, in tennis, when I was on a hot streak and was making all my serves in and was beating the same girls in practice, but when it came time for challenge matches, I lost the match (AND my ranking), then I HAVE FAILED.

or, back when I thought I wanted to be a music major and participated in piano competitions. I could play all 15 pages of 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata memorized with few mistakes. but when it came to the sonata festival and I was being judged, I would forget a note, and instead of moving on like a normal person, I would freak out, start over, freak out because I started over, and struggle through the piece. THAT WAS THE WORST. I was only ever good enough to win the honorable mentions, let alone anything at all. and I was definitely not good enough to be a music major (that's a whole different story.)

I am a perfectionist. not only am I a perfectionist, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

 now, this shouldn't be hard for me to talk about! anxiety disorders are actually the most common class of psychological disorders in the United States. about 40 million other adults in the US have dealt with an anxiety disorder. I am not alone!

but here's the thing: I don't look like someone who has GAD. I'm an extrovert! I'm always finding ways to attend football and basketball games, church activities, or anything that involves friends and food! I go to my classes! I go to work! I have FRIENDS! I'm not afraid to share my opinion, speak up in class, ask for help, or stay under the radar. I'm satisfied with my personal appearance. I have a lot of talents. I AM CONFIDENT! so, based on all those attributes, I shouldn't even have an anxiety problem!

truth is, anxiety can affect anyone. it can affect introverts. it can affect extroverts. it can affect children, college students, parents, teachers, celebrities, athletes, Multi-Level Marketing distributors, ANYONE. and it affects me. just admitting that it affects me is a big step. because I'm a perfectionist, I like to think I have everything under control. when I don't, then it's unsettling. well, the simple thing would be to work on controlling the controllable.

problem is, I also have ADHD, which is probably one of the biggest contributors to my anxiety, besides perfectionism. I don't know if I'm going to be able to focus or not. I can do what I can control, such as take my medication, not waste time on social media, write things down, have a planner, etc. but sometimes, I'll remember that it's my friend's birthday and I'll call them and I'll end up talking for a few hours. THEN I'll remember that I need to go grocery shopping (and of course, I'll buy everything except what was on my list). oh wait. I have a test tomorrow. 

WHY. AM. I. LIKE. THIS.

then, I can either be clutch and study like crazy, try and be clutch and get distracted again, or try and be clutch but end up having an anxious breakdown because I wasn't clutch earlier.

see? it's super fun!

around last winter, in my second semester of college, I realized that I had a Problem with a capital P. I was a bucket of stress all the time. I was so worried about remembering to turn in assignments that my ADHD would come in clutch (again) and I'd forget, get a bad grade, tell myself to never do that again, but SPOILER ALERT, I'd do it again! and I did a hell of a lot of crying. there were too many things to remember, too many things to do, too many tests, too many basketball games, too many choir concerts, and I HAD TO DO WELL AT EVERYTHING!

thankfully, on BYU campus, there are free Counseling and Psychological Services. before, I never would have ever imagined I would see a therapist. oh no, I was too strong for that. I was an ADULT who could manage my OWN LIFE! but I was sane enough to realize that I needed help. so I went to see a therapist, who evaluated me for general anxiety disorder, and I had my physician do that as well. we talked about ways for me to manage my stress, and we talked about medication. initially, I did not want to take meds because I had been taking ADHD meds since I was 10 and I know from personal experience that if I go off those, I do not get anything done and I am a mess. thankfully, we were able to find something that would work with my other meds, and after a hell of a lot of patience and crying, I felt like I was able to (somewhat) manage my life again. of course, I'm not perfect. I still get anxious. I still mess up and forget to turn assignments in, get a less-than-desirable score, or not perform to my expectations. I still have breakdowns when there is too much on my plate, and yes, I still cry in my car sometimes! but THAT IS OKAY!

so, why am I telling you all this?

despite all efforts to end the stigma associated with anxiety, there are still certain stereotypes about it that I do not fit. because of this, I have been....anxious to talk about it to such a wide audience because I might not be taken seriously. one time, I was talking to one of my friends and I was just saying, "yeah, my anxiety always peaks at this point in the semester!" and another girl that I knew said, "Miriam, there are actually people who have anxiety disorders. there are people who take medication for anxiety. please don't use that term lightly."

(I'm pretty sure I just laughed and said, "oh, you have no idea!")

but I'm here to say that it is NOT a bad thing to have anxiety or any mental illness. I'm here to say that IT IS OKAY TO GET HELP! it is okay to admit that sometimes, you can get overly stressed about something and you just need a second to calm down and get your life back in order! and yes, even social extroverts like me have to cancel plans because we don't feel like we will be able to get anything done otherwise. and while I really hate doing that, it is important to take care of myself. there is no harm in doing that! PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND. 

If you ever feel overly anxious about anything, talk to someone about it. it can be a family member, a roommate, a friend, a teacher, a sibling, a therapist, or me. I have been a much healthier and happier person since I learned how to take care of myself and talk things out. and while writing this and posting it for all to see is a lot for me, I really hope it helps someone. because everyone deserves to feel love and support.

(and yes, I admit that I use Diet Coke as a stress reliever as well. no shame in that.)

twenty.

hello, friends. this month, I celebrated my 20th birthday. to be completely honest, it was a pretty weird birthday. I spent my morning observing my favorite world history teacher at my old high school as part of one of my education classes. back when I was in high school, word got out quickly that it was my birthday. people I didn't even know would say "Happy birthday, Miriam!" to me. in 2015, this teacher (the one I was observing) made an announcement on the intercom that it was my 17th birthday. and I hope this doesn't sound completely narcissistic, but I liked the attention. I have never been one to hide in the background and blend in. even though I was (and still am) 5 feet tall, I made sure that my presence was noticed. I had a lot of friends, and every year on my birthday, a large group of them would come to my house and grab some wonderful dessert made by my mother. I loved my birthdays.

on Tuesday, I purposely showed up 15 minutes after the tardy bell because I did not want to be mistaken as a student. after all, I was here to observe my favorite history teacher as a practicum assignment for one of my classes, not loiter on my old stomping grounds. after I parked my car in the Visitor's Parking lot, I saw a lady who appeared to be running late. I held the door open for her, and she said, "thank you so much, even though you are probably already 15 minutes to your first class! what grade are you in? what class do you have right now?"
"oh, you're welcome. and I'm actually not a student here. I graduated 2 years ago. I am a teaching social science major at BYU"
"oh, so how old are you?"
"20"
"you look really young for a 20-year-old...and don't worry, you'll be grateful when you are my age!"

I thought about the last time I walked into Timpview High School (besides this one time last year when I was visiting this same teacher and a few of my friends who were seniors at the time). I was the same height as I am now. I blasted Bohemian Rhapsody on my way to school. I went out to lunch with a few of my best friends on the tennis team. I was devastated that Roger Federer pulled out of the French Open due to injury. I was excited to start BYU, but I was definitely going to miss high school. I would miss my social life, going to In-N-Out after football games, making quesadillas with my friends at my house for lunch, Great Harvest runs, and so much more. I thought I was going to be a commercial music major and one day bring classic rock back into the mainstream. I maybe wanted to minor in history. I was not looking forward to BYU not having any caffeine on campus. I was very excited, but also very anxious.

and boy, I was a very different person than I am at 20 years old.

yes, I am still the same height as I was back then. yes, I still blasted Bohemian Rhapsody in my car on the way to school. yes, I still love classic rock music and want to maybe someday bring it back into the mainstream. yes, I still have a lot of the same friends, but we don't see each other as much. some are serving missions, while others are attending different universities. even the ones who attend BYU with me aren't seen very often, because college can take over your life. but even though I thought I had it all with an amazing social life (and truth is, I still miss it sometimes), I have become a much better, stronger person.

I got rejected from the BYU Commercial Music program and decided that I wanted to do something that I love, which is sharing what I'm passionate about with other people. I declared my major as Teaching Social Science in winter of 2017, and officially entered the program in the fall. I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and that I can help so many people in the process, whether it be by teaching them history, listening to them, or even just being a friend. I have learned so much about history, geography, psychology, teaching others, and teaching myself. I still enjoy eating out, but instead of going to In-N-Out after football games, my friends and I will go after our shift is done, and we can't stay all night because I have a crap ton of economics homework to do. BYU has caffeine on campus now. Roger Federer is in the final round of the Australian Open this year. he won TWO GRAND SLAMS since he pulled out of the French Open in 2016.

anyways.

as weird as it is walking into your old high school and getting mistaken as a student multiple times (yes, this incident did happen a few more times), I am very proud of the person I have become. I am now more confident, more resilient, and less anxious. I have learned more about how to control both my ADHD and anxiety and still get good grades (getting on the right meds helps, too). I have a major that I love, and I have a plan for my future. I still hang out with some of my friends from high school, and I have made many new ones as well. I have learned how to serve and be a good example to others, even when I feel like sleeping through all of my classes. I have learned how to better get along with people and how to compromise (this one is HUGE). even though I have stayed the same height since I was 14, I have grown emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

oh, and I also decided that maybe, being a solid brunette wasn't as fun as, you know, getting a little blonde melt in my hair.

"teacher, it's NOT a phase!"

IMAGINE THIS:

you are in second grade. you aren't even 8 years old yet. you are sitting at your desk, cutting each INDIVIDUAL LETTER of your spelling words out and gluing them to a piece of paper. sounds fun, right? this should be easy. I mean, these are easy spelling words, and there are only 5 of them. these aren't the crazy hard "advanced bonus spelling words" that your teacher makes you do because you're so smart. and since we are, you know, in second grade, we should be able to cut and glue the letters down without a problem, right?
except for whatever reason, you can spell the word "Fahrenheit" but you just CAN'T CUT OUT THE LETTERS OF THE WORD "cousin" AND GLUE C-O-U-S-I-N ON A PIECE OF PAPER. it exhausts your brain. but, since you are so smart, you are supposed to be done by now. this is embarrassing. how do you get out of this?
well, you already went to the bathroom an hour ago. but maybe, maybe you need to go again.
"Teacher, I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
"didn't you just go an hour ago?"
"I HAVE TO GO AGAIN! I have a really small bladder!"
".....okay. please hurry back. and PLEASE do not go again today."
you run outside the classroom. you run into the bathroom. the teacher was right. you didn't even need to go. but hey, you aren't cutting and pasting. then, somehow, you end up running a lap around the whole school. you come back in the classroom.
you try and cut and glue letters again, but UH-OH. you're stumped.
you just cut your whole paper to pieces and throw it away.
and for the 12th time, your teacher says, "I just don't understand how you are reading at a 4th grade level, but you just can't do this simple task."

fast-forward 12 years. you are in college. you like college because you are able to pick your own classes (for the most part) and what time you have them (for the most part). you are studying something that you actually enjoy, and you aren't cutting or gluing anything.
except, the one class you have to take to start your major classes is 4 hours long. every day.
and you can't miss anything, because it is all important information.
so you try and sit still and be mature and focused, but after 30 minutes in, you start to get restless.
1 hour: you are squirming and fidgeting in your seat, resembling the one 9th grade boy that your fellow teaching majors like to make fun of as being the "bad" kid.
2 hours: the teacher asks the class if they need a break. everyone gets a drink, runs to the bathroom. this, for you, is the best part of the class.
but shouldn't you be enjoying this? after all, this is the class you have to take to get into your major.
2.5 hours: you are ready for another break. nope. your teacher starts another powerpoint about the methods of teaching high school. THIS. IS. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. FUN!
3 hours: teacher asks if we need a break. then she answers her own question and says, "no, we don't have time."
3 hours 15 minutes: OH NO. you start kicking your desk.
3 hours 20 minutes: are you, an almost-20-year-old, throwing your pencil on the ground and picking it up again...on PURPOSE?
3 hours 25 minutes: you start talking to the person next to you. BUT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT CLASS DISCIPLINE, RIGHT?!
3.5 hours: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHSDFOIUSFDJLFSDJ:DFJLKFD J:
4 hours: your brain is fried. never mind the fact that you have 2 other classes. you are DONE. you will never graduate college. you will never become a teacher. you can't even sit still for 30 minutes.


and that, my friends, is how attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder works.
it's not "just a phase".
it's not an excuse for bad parenting.
it's not something you can, you know, outgrow.
and yes, it can still affect you as an adult.
but, I mean, besides the inability to sit still for long periods of time and pay attention, you are filled with high amounts of energy, so it doesn't completely suck.
and, as a teacher, it will help me better relate to my students.
I will never make them do tedious work, like cutting and gluing things all day.
so yes, I am very grateful for my ADHD.

let the extroverts be extroverts

for the longest time, I never understood how it was so hard for some people to just take initiative and start a conversation. sure, it wasn't the easiest thing for me, either, but I felt comfortable enough doing it that I felt like people expected me to do it 100% of the time.

I never understood why certain people never contributed anything to group discussions. I remember asking one of my friends why she wasn't sharing her opinion in a group meeting that she had shared with me in private. she said, "oh, because I don't like sharing. I figured you would do it."

I never understood why some people would rather just stay at home and watch TV instead of go to a football game.

and most of all, I never understood how hard it was for me to keep quiet. to not share my opinion. to stay under the radar. to blend in. 

and to be honest, it is still a hard concept for me to grasp. but what is even harder for me to understand is that some people think that because I am comfortable initiating conversations and leading discussions, that I am completely fine with doing it all the time. that I could care less what they think.

and that is not true at all.

I have seen many posts going around social media about how being an introvert among extroverts is exhausting and how introverts need to be understood more. and believe it or not, I can say the same thing about extroverts. and since you introverts are so good at listening to other people, I have something to say:

IF YOU WANT EXTROVERTS TO UNDERSTAND YOU, IT DOESN'T WORK UNLESS YOU PUT FORTH AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND THEM, TOO!

this doesn't mean that I think that the solution is for everyone to become less or more introverted/extroverted than we already are and be at a happy medium. I'm saying that we need both introverts and extroverts in this world. each has strengths and weaknesses that are crucial in working together. but I personally feel like there are several misconceptions about extroverts that need to be addressed. so without further ado...

common misconceptions about extroverts: by me, your favorite extrovert.

I have taken a few different forms of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I had to take a written version for my AP psychology class in high school, and I got ESTJ (extroverted-sensing-thinking-judging). when I started college, I wanted to see if I had changed since high school (because many people talk about how their personality changes every time they take the test), and I was still an ESTJ. finished my freshman year, still ESTJ. what's interesting is that all 4 of my letters are usually around or above 70%, which means my personality is pretty set. ok, last time I took it I was 69% judging, but that's the closest I've ever gotten to any other letter. and what's even more interesting is that my level of extroversion is always around 90% or higher. but I am a human being. in addition to being highly extroverted, I also have ADHD and sometimes, I can get over-stimulated and I need a little break from people. I need to sit down for maybe 5 minutes and go through everything I have to do, and then I can go back to being social again. but no matter how extroverted someone appears to be, at the end of the day, even we need our own down time. I just need less of it than you do. and when I have too much down time, I get restless.

I am the oldest in my family. I have 2 younger brothers and no sisters. I never shared a room growing up. because of this, I grew accustomed to having some privacy. but for me, that meant studying with my music on, reading out loud to myself, inviting a friend in my room to quiz me on terms that I needed to memorize for a test, taking a 10 minute power-nap, etc. when I wake up, I have to turn on loud music to get me motivated to get out the door. and sometimes, I really do need time to decompress, like I said in the last paragraph. so I do understand the value of personal space. however, I hate being completely ignored. my freshman year of college I moved into an apartment with 5 girls (remember, I only have brothers so living with the female gender for me is like living on a different planet) that I had never met. being the outgoing person that I am, I thought that at least one of them would click with me. guess what. none of them did. I was an extrovert living in an apartment full of introverts. I thought that because I have introverted friends, my roommates would come around sooner or later. and yes, some did, but some never did, even after living with me for 2 whole semesters. sharing a room with an introvert definitely taught me more about the value of personal space. it definitely helped me grow as a person. after we got to know each other, I really ended up liking my roommate a lot. there were also times where I felt like I couldn't be myself in my own apartment. I felt like every time I walked into the room that I shared just to grab my backpack or something, I had popped my roommate's personal bubble. I knew that I didn't have to be best friends with my roommates, but when I tried to get to know them, it felt painful at times. I genuinely was interested in finding out about them, but when I asked them questions, they would either give me one-word answers or not respond at all. I felt like I couldn't even talk without getting glared at for disturbing the peace. but what was extremely difficult was watching them all click with each other but not with me. I was the extrovert here! I am supposed to be the expert at making friends! but I wasn't, and it hurt. 

if you want to make friends, there has to be a mutual understanding. 

there has to be compromise. if I am talking to you and genuinely trying to get to know you, you don't have to tell me your whole life story. but just try and make an effort. if it seems like I am taking over a whole conversation, it is likely because no one else is contributing and I feel awkward. 

I've heard people say that "people who talk a lot like people who listen a lot". yes, this is true. but it has to be a two-way street. I suck at analogies, but here is one: I play tennis. sure, there are ways to practice tennis by yourself, but the whole game is about hitting the ball back and forth over the net. the only way to practice this is either against a wall, or with another person. if only one person is returning the shots while the other one just stands on the other side of the net and observes, nothing is accomplished. if we take turns and focus on keeping the ball in play, both people are able to learn consistency. but if I just go for winners every time and only hit kill shots, preventing my opponent from even touching the ball, then I did everything and they did nothing. and I do not like that. if I'm doing all the talking, I learn nothing about the other person. if I do all the listening, they learn nothing about me. and in the end, no one grows. 

another misconception is that extroverts aren't sincere. I guess the fact that we will talk to anyone and the fact that we tend to have large groups of friends doesn't make us genuine? WRONG. I am a very honest, sincere person. when I give compliments, I mean them. my love language is words of affirmation, meaning that I show my love through verbal support. in turn, it means a lot when people take the time out of their day to say hi, have a conversation with me, or give me a compliment. WE DON'T ALWAYS TALK JUST TO TALK! in fact, let's go back to the basics that I learned in my high school psychology class:

an extrovert is one who gets energy from being around people. keeping all their thoughts and emotions inside is more stressful for them, and they release it by talking or being active. this doesn't mean that they have no concept of personal space, but they feel better when they are being socially active.

an introvert is one who gets energy from being alone. when they are by themselves, they can process their thoughts and emotions easier than they can when they are around other people. they also tend to prefer to express themselves through writing than verbally. this doesn't mean that they hate being around people or that they are too shy to make friends. this just means that they need more down time.

and of course, there are exceptions, but if extroverts truly didn't enjoy talking to people and being around them, THEN WE WOULD ALL BE INTROVERTS. case closed.

I admit, both extroverts and introverts have their weaknesses. yes, I can be pretty loud and energetic and I can see how it can overwhelm people. I am known for being blunt and insensitive. I don't fly under the radar. I like to take charge, but I hate being told what to do. I am very self-confident, but that can be mistaken as arrogance. and I admit, sometimes I can be a bit arrogant. but sometimes I feel like introverts can be a bit arrogant because they pride themselves in being quiet, independent, deep thinkers who don't need friends. and maybe for some people, that's true. but the way to understand people is to give them a chance. I've had many people tell me, "when I first met you, you came off a bit strong and overwhelming. but now that I've gotten to know you, I know that you are genuinely interested in getting to know people, you are confident in yourself and want others to be confident too, and you are a great friend. I'm glad I gave you a chance instead of allowing myself to be scared or intimidated by you." again, GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE.

finally, think about how it makes you feel when someone says, "be more outgoing!" or "don't be afraid to speak up!" or "just go out and make more friends!" 

now, is it any different from "just be less noisy!" or "no one cares, just shut up!" or "you should spend more time studying and less time partying!" or "just try blending in for once!" 

no. it's not.

not all extroverts are scary. not all introverts are socially awkward. if you want to be understood, make sure you are also making an effort to understand those around you. the more we learn about each other, the more we grow.

PS BYU FOOTBALL STARTS ON SATURDAY. if you need me, I'll be at the game. if you're staying home to binge-watch Netflix, I truly hope you have a good time.

"be nice. be good."

It's 2017.
Be nice.
Be good.

— Harry Styles. (@Harry_Styles) January 1, 2017

I know it's a bit late to talk about New Year's resolutions and all that jazz, but this is something I've been working on this year. something I've noticed since I moved out of my family's house and on-campus is that it requires a lot more effort to be nice. In my family, we would talk about our day at the dinner table, because we would try to have family dinner as much as we could. we had to give a report on how we were doing in school, and we would either get lectured or we would get advice. we were also encouraged to talk about what's working in our life and what isn't. because my family was so open at the dinner table, we learned a lot of life lessons. we learned how to treat people the way they want to be treated. (for example, I love being around people and I would be fine if someone invited me to a football game and went to In-N-Out afterward, but other people might not be as social and would like to be left alone, and would appreciate kind words at most.) we learned the nicest way to say things but still get the point across, and if we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say it at all. now, I'm a bit more blunt and straightforward, so I often speak the truth, even if it isn't nice. I've been working on stating my opinions in a nicer way and not hurting other peoples' feelings. but I have learned a lot from these dinner table conversations, and they have helped me be a nicer person.

but I learned that not everyone grew up with consistent family dinners and life lessons at the dinner table. and it was a bit of a surprise to me, especially when I entered college. I've heard all these high schoolers complain about how everyone is so immature in high school and how they can't wait to get to college where everyone magically is 100x more mature because they moved on in their schooling.

and sorry bud, but that doesn't happen. and I was kinda shocked to find out that it doesn't. so I'm just warning you here.

I've met good people, and I've met not-so-good people. I've met people who love my outgoing personality, and I've met people who hate it. I've met people who love my music taste, and I've met people who think it's too weird and old-fashioned. I've met people who say they admire my authenticity and I've met people who just can't understand why I don't fit the cultural norms. I've met people who think I'm smart and have an interesting perspective, and I've met people who think I'm stupid and ignorant just because I lean a little more to the right on the political spectrum (and I've also met people who think those who lean a little more to the left are also automatically stupid and ignorant). I've met people who think I'm hilarious and I've met people who think I'm rude, self-centered, and that I need to be quiet. and yes, I know that I can't please everyone, but I wasn't expecting this many people to be displeased. 

these experiences have made me think about myself and what changes I need to make. no, these are not changes I am making to please them. these are changes I am making to benefit myself. I am looking at their not-so-good examples and learning from them. they are a good reminder to me of how I should and shouldn't treat others. it has also helped me realize that my bluntness can go a wee bit too far, and that I should hold back.

for example, I appreciate honesty. but which sounds better:
"hey, I'm trying to study right now, so could you please go in the kitchen? thank you!" or "how many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?! I literally have to restrain myself from telling you to shut up all the time. why don't you understand that not everyone wants to talk to you?"
"could you please put your dishes away?" or "why do you always leave your dishes out on the counter?! quit expecting others to take care of you!"
"That's an interesting perspective. I disagree with you, but now I feel like I understand why you have the views that you do! This is how I think about it" or "You are wrong. You obviously don't know anything about how the world works, or how it feels to be a minority. You are so ignorant, I can't believe that you are even in college."
"I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift. I prefer classic rock and alternative music, but I know that not everyone likes that, either!" or "Taylor Swift sucks, I can't believe you listen to that trash."

(DISCLAIMER: some of these bad examples are based off things other people have said to me, while others are based off things I have actually said myself. we are all learning!)

see? there is always a better way of saying things. and yes, it can be hard, and yes, I admit I have said the words "Taylor Swift sucks" on more than one occasion, and it's not fair if I am allowed to say that but that you aren't allowed to criticize Bohemian Rhapsody. I'm human. I'm trying.
(except I really don't like Taylor Swift.)

but instead of focusing on all the negative things about other people, we should try and look for the good. in the words of Queen and David Bowie, "why can't we give ourselves one more chance? why can't we give love one more chance?!" we can always give ourselves the chance to love. if you want to be a happier person, then be nice. be good. like I said, you're not going to please everyone, but you will make a lot more friends that way. and if you make others feel good, you will likely feel better about yourself!

yesterday was Easter, and I have learned a lot about the Easter story and about Jesus Christ in my New Testament class this semester. I've noticed at Christmastime how being kind and serving others is emphasized so that we can remember the true meaning, but Jesus gave us the greatest gift of all when he died for us- so that we can repent from our sins and be with our families for all eternity! I feel like He would want us to focus on being kind all year instead of just in December. and I'm not saying I'm a perfect example of this. I mean, I just said Taylor Swift sucks 2 paragraphs ago. and I know that people might freak out a little bit because trying to be Christlike is hard, so I'm not saying we have to be perfect. but all of us: you, me, your siblings, my siblings, your parents, my parents, your friends, my friends, Donald Trump, college basketball refs, BYU fans, Utah fans, and even the classiest people like Roger Federer can all try just a wee bit harder to be more kind and loving!

so let's give love one more chance.
let's be nice. let's be good.

(and if you really want to be good, listen to this live performance of Harry Styles singing "Sign of the Times". he sounds so different than when he was in One Direction, and I'm loving it. this is coming from someone who mostly listens to classic rock and alternative music. HARRY STYLES IS TALENTED OK?!)