gray days

I think we all know that I hate the month of February.
I feel like I am in a depression phase. I really shouldn't use that term, because there really are people out there who really do struggle with real depression and take medication. and I'm not like that. I don't start dressing in black and stop doing my makeup and write deep, depressing poetry in my spare time.
No, this is just an overall gloominess that lasts throughout the entire month of February. you know, that first snow of the year we get, in around December? Or in Utah, it can happen in October or November but I don't really count those..the first snow that sticks. in December. everyone gets really excited because snow. skiing, snowmen, sledding, hot chocolate, and the world is just covered in a white, sparkly blanket. this joy, for me, lasts only a few days.
once it gets to February, I'm over it. I can't take the cold, gray days anymore. I'm sick of seeing snow on the ground. I want to see the sun. I'm just a lot happier when the sun is out. I do enjoy the occasional gray day, where I can just stay inside and play piano and read a good book. but not everyday for a whole month. and then, I get depressed.
oh, how my body longs to see the sun again! oh, how I would love to not wear a jacket everytime I walk outside! to get into my stash of spring and summer clothes, and start wearing short sleeves again. to walk home from school without freezing (because I don't get to use the car until my dad starts riding his bike to work. so yeah, I get the car when it's warm, and I walk or have to get rides when it's cold.), get home from school, rip off all my clothes, change into a tennis skirt and a tank top, and go up to the court to hit some balls. to pull my hair back, and feel the sun on the back of my neck. and yes, I do miss those embarrassing tan lines. they are still there, but they are faded. and I miss them. even though it is awkward looking like this. having skirt tans, racer back tans, sock tans... I miss it.

so pretty much, when I don't see the sun for a long time, I get depressed. I go insane. My happy, sunny self is gone. I complain all the time. I just want to sleep until it's warm again. I want to play tennis. OUTSIDE. the indoor courts are okay, but nothing can compare to playing outside in the sunshine. I eat a lot more than I should, because I'm depressed. but it's too dang cold outside to go for a run. so, have you ever been through a February-depression phase similar to mine? don't worry, you're not alone. here are some things that I have done to try to keep myself sane:

• read a book. I used to be an avid reader,and if I was hooked on a good book, I could sit still for hours until I finished it. once I got into junior high, I lost that sense of pleasure reading because I had so much homework, and it only got worse in high school. I only read when I was forced to. but now, I have been looking for good books to read in my own spare time, and they have kept me happy and helped me forget about the craziness of school and girls and boys and crappy weather.
• make yourself a playlist of good gray day songs, or happy songs that bring back memories of good times. put playlist in car, and go on a little drive in the evening. I like to go up in those neighborhoods on the hill, so I can look at the pretty houses and the gorgeous sunsets. It just makes me feel really good and at peace with myself. or, bring a friend with you, and just drive around and talk and listen to good music. 
• listening to these same playlists, go in your room and read old journal entries, and write some more. 
• clean your room. believe it or not, this helps. I feel like my life is put together.
• play piano. not practice, but play, just for fun. open up to some of your favorite songs and let it out there. pleasure playing. I like that.
• write songs.
• pull yourself together, put on a jacket, and go for a little run. even though the weather may be crappy, you'll feel so much better.
• take your little brother to go get a smoothie at Jamba Juice with you. you get real bro bonding time, and you get a good smoothie as well.
• bake cookies, and bring them to your friends. it's always great to make someone's day.
• go skiing. I used to ski all the time with the ski program at Rock Canyon. I learned to ski through that program, and my favorite part would be exploring Sundance by myself, and doing free skiing. these past few years, I have been way too busy. but this year, i was determined to go at least once. so, on Presidents day, I went up with my family and had the best day of this entire winter, skiing all day. it feels so good to get fresh air up in the mountains, and it is a great workout. and even though I am really sore, it feels so good. even if you've never skiied before, it's never too late to learn. just do it. it's great exercise, it's fun, and it feels good.
• keep looking forward, and know that the sun will eventually come out. and when it does, life will be SO GOOD.

i hate
when a girl is quiet
everyone assumes that
she's overthinking.
she's crying inside.
she's falling apart.
she's done.
she's depressed.
but maybe
she
is
just
really
really
really
really
hungry.

happy sweet 16 to me.

ever ask a little kid how old they are? well, I have and it's pretty cute. sometimes they will look all confused, so then you ask them, "well, how many are you?" they will hold up a small number of fingers, between 3 and 5, showing how many years they are on each finger. well, the day has come. on Thursday, January 23, I turned that many fingers. I had the best birthday ever. for lunch, I invited a ton of my friends over to my house. pretty much anyone who could get a ride could come. I knew a lot of people would come, but I was surprised at how many people actually came. There were 60-70 people there! I live in a nice little house in the Edgemont area, so not too far from Timpview, but not close enough to walk home for lunch. all my friends who could drive, packed as many people as could fit in their cars, parked in my culdesac, and joined like 60 other people to celebrate with me! My mom and my grandma made Cafe Rio pulled pork salad. (ok, not Cafe Rio but the closest thing we could get.) It tasted pretty dang close to the real thing. I would know, I eat there every chance I get! The food was amazing. Everyone ate everything on their plate. Roughly half the population were boys, who ate probably 5 helpings each. They were so nice and didn't throw food at each other, destroy the house, or light anything on fire, so that's good! for dessert, we had cream puffs, lemon cupcakes, and 3 kinds of cookies. Everyone liked everything, but I'd say the peanut butter chocolate chip cookies were the biggest hit. Those are my favorites as well, and I could eat 10 without stopping.

I got clothes and cash. Which is just what I wanted. OK. I really wanted a car, but we know how my parents work. I have to pay for everything, and sometimes I can barely pay my iPhone bill every month. so a car is out of the question. but we have 2 cars, and my dad rides his bike to work when it's warm, so I get a car for part of spring, part of fall, and pretty much the whole summer. better than nothing. but I really just want my own car, so I can drive myself to school every day. I can go to lunch more. I wouldn't have to ask for rides all the time. sometimes I hate doing that, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

speaking of which...

I can drive legally now. I just don't have a car.

so anyways, 16 is a pretty great year. I can't believe I've made it this far. my 15th year was probably the best year of my life. So many good times playing tennis, good friends, good vacations, learning to drive...a year full of good times. let's hope that 16 is even better!

no one even reads this anymore.

I really have nothing to say right now. except 4 things:
1. I turn 16 in 3 days! (the 23rd)
2. I passed my road test, so I should be LEGAL to drive right after I turn 16! Sadly, no car. But I'll figure something out.
3. Justin turned 11 on the 17th, and I still think he's 9. I guess he's either growing up too fast, or I'm a sucky sister.
4. I had a photoshoot the other day with my lovely friend Bailey, and she took these really good pictures of me. and don't ask why I'm holding these rocks. I'm just an interesting girl. and I like rocks.

 

 

 

 

change.

last year, I was a wee freshman. anxious to turn 15, because to me, that seemed extremely grown up.
I could start learning to drive, I could get a later curfew, it just seemed...older and more impressive.
I wouldn't get any taller. I still couldn't date. and the homework would only multiply.
but I was just very anxious to grow up.
one of my closest friends was a sophomore. and while there was only 1 year in our age difference, he just seemed so much....older. he had a car, he could date, he seemed like he was always enjoying himself. and I thought to myself, I want my life to be that exciting. 
most of my sophomore year so far has been spent anxious to turn 16. I was so much closer to going to dances, going on dates, and driving. sometimes I really hate having to ask my friends for rides all the time. I was enjoying playing on the tennis team, going to football games with friends, and having so many good times. sure, there was homework. but I didn't stress too much.
then, all the teachers decided to drop a boatload of homework on all the students, in every class. projects, assignments, tests. all which would affect my grade. I felt like school was more about getting a good grade, than learning about things.
and as we get older, we change. our friendships change. we aren't the same people we were last year.
I have made so many new friends this year, and kept some old ones, and lost a few. and sometimes, it's hard to watch other people grow up. some of my really close friends I had last year, I'm not as close with this year. people get boyfriends and girlfriends, and are so committed to that one person. and they seem so happy, being with this one person. they laugh together, hold hands, and are on the list of the "cutest couples" in the school. but they spend so much time with this one person, that they don't spend as much time with other people. they just don't realize all they have left behind, by starting a new commitment. and as happy as it makes me to see my friends so happy all the time, it makes me sad in a way. I've watched it happen to my friends, both boys and girls. and to think that maybe one day, I might be pressured to do the same thing. to pair off at such a young age, when really, I should be branching out and making more friends. because, we're only in high school once. we need to learn as much as we can, and have fun doing it.
and I have learned a lot. I'd much rather not have my friends choose me as their second, third, or even fourth choice. I want to be able to be friends and flirt with boys and not worry about whether or not they already have a girlfriend. I want good grades, but I don't want to be stressed all the time. I'd much rather learn about... knowledge, than how to procrastinate and do all my work at the last minute and to stay sane. but it's all a good learning experience.
now, as I'm getting closer and closer to 16, I still want to drive myself, because I will feel more independent. but I will also feel older. and that scares me. and okay, maybe, maybe, eventually I will find a boyfriend and forget everything I said in this post. but as much as I want to grow up, I just don't. I miss playing tennis everyday. I miss sleeping enough to not constantly zone out at school, due to the lack of sleep the night before. I miss being able to call up my friends anytime to hang out, and not being told "I'm busy with homework" or "I'm with my other friends" or.....yeah.
but we just gotta accept the fact that we grow older every day. and whether we like it or not, everything changes.

2013 for the Castle family in a nutshell

we never get family pictures taken. whenever we send out Christmas cards, we always use a photo taken of us on vacation. none of us are color coordinated, and I'm a bit OCD about that. this year, all we did was go to Moab and Bear Lake, and there isn't a single picture of all of us with our clothes on, and we needed to update our family picture on the wall anyway (which was from 2008), so we finally gave in and decided to get our pictures taken. I love how they turned out! Mom and I decided on everyone's outfit, and Wes finally had an excuse to wear his "cool, new, stylish skinny jeans".

so my mom wrote the Christmas letter this year, and since this is my blog, I am going to switch things around just a bit, because this is me typing, not my mom.

let's start with me. I got my braces off, so this picture seems ancient. I turn 16 in less than a month, and according to my mom, I am "excited to date boys and drive cars." yep. This year was all about tennis. I spent the entire summer training for the Timpview Tennis Team; I had a private coach, I played with my mom, and I joined a city league and participated in several matches and tournaments. At the end of the summer, I made JV singles and had the best time playing! I really miss it and am currently doing cross training and playing on the indoor courts as much as I can. I also continue to play piano and practice around 1 hour everyday, and I'm getting really good, if I say so myself. I was the Sophomore Homecoming Princess this year. and my mom says I'm growing up too fast. what.

Wesley is also growing up too fast, according to my mother. I kind of agree with her. He is now 13 and in 7th grade, but attends junior high at Provo High School, where there is a gifted program. He was a jungle animal in the school production of Seussical: the Musical. He loved everything about it: acting, singing, dancing, hanging out with high schoolers and going to IHOP at midnight for cast parties and ordering steak. He is learning the hard lessons I learned in 7th grade: turning in all the assignments, on time. As soon as the play ended, ski season began and he is going skiing up at Sundance every chance he gets. He's a funny kid, and he is usually great to have around, except that he eats everything in the house. Oh, and he is now taller than I am. 

Justin. my mom will straight up say that he is the favorite child. He is all about sports. He and his friends got invited to a special soccer team, and they practiced really hard over the summer and learned a lot more about soccer and playing as a team. When he wasn't scoring goals for his team, he was the goalie and wouldn't let the other team score on him. His team ended up winning the championship! Right after soccer ended, J tried out for bantam basketball, and ended up getting the same coach he had for soccer. His team practices everyday at 6:30 AM, and he loves working hard and learning about basketball. He is following in his sister's footsteps and is getting quite accomplished on the piano. And he is the cutest thing, and everyone loves him.

Mom decided to take Japanese this year at BYU, and it turned out to be very difficult so she used Dad to help her study. Now, Dad is already very busy teaching chemistry at BYU, and in addition to grading papers and doing whatever professors do, he is also booked with teaching me how to drive and helping the kiddos with homework. This year, he had to help his wife memorize Japanese. When the class ended a week ago, everyone was relieved, but I think Dad was more relieved than Mom. In Mom's free time, she runs with her friends, attempts to grow vegetable gardens, drives the boys around to their many activities, and plays tennis with me.

it's been a great year, and I hope you enjoyed reading this. Merry Christmas to all of you!

contemplation

lately, I've been thinking a lot about.... life.

in high school, teachers stress about getting good test scores so we can get the best grade we can and so we can get into a good school. they want to work us until we pretty much die.

I have attention deficit disorder. and I am in 4 honors classes. all which come with heaps of homework. this mentally and physically exhausts me, to try to pay attention every second of the lesson. it gets to the point where it's too much work for me, my brain can't function anymore, I go into freak out mode, and I just zone out. I'm not good at getting my homework done, either. I have so much of it, but there are so many things in life that I would rather enjoy. such as developing friendships, making cookies, playing tennis, playing piano (not practicing. just sitting and playing for my own enjoyment), shopping, going on drives...... but if I don't get all my homework done, there goes my future.

one thing I hate more than anything else is how the school counselors show up in our classrooms and make us fill out these career pathway forms and take little quizzes to get us started on thinking about our careers. but I'm only a sophomore in high school. I don't turn 16 for 57 more days. I can't think about my career yet. all I'm trying to do is get through my sophomore year. because I can't handle the stress of overthinking about my future. but the counselors get frustrated when I don't answer their questions. so, I've been thinking about it occasionally. all I know is that I want to go to BYU, and get a degree in something, and get married and have kids. but I feel like I have to get everything figured out because the counselors keep bringing it up.

I'm just a teenage girl trying to survive high school. I want to get good grades. I want to do well in tennis and piano and everything else. I am learning how to drive without hitting the curb when I back out of my driveway so I can get my license in 2 months. but my parents, wanting me to be tough and work for things, won't buy me a car unless I pay for it myself. I struggle to pay my monthly phone bill, so I can't even think about a car. I know that I have a lot of friends, both girls and boys. but I always feel like I'm the second choice friend. I like to appear cheerful and happy, and I truly enjoy making others happy. but sometimes, I have bad days. sometimes, things just get hard. and I'm unhappy. I cannot leave the house without doing my hair, putting on makeup, and color coordinating my outfits. this does not mean that I am insecure or think I'm ugly. I just feel the need to get myself ready because then I look better, and if I look better, then I feel better. truthfully, I feel lazy when I wear sweats and don't put on makeup. I look like I don't care about anything. at least if I look put together, then I feel like my life is put together. so please, don't tell a girl not to waste her time putting on makeup. because it just enhances things and makes us look better, it does not mean we are insecure or are hiding who we are!

so I've already mentioned this twice, but i'm almost 16. you know what this means. in the Mormon culture, dating isn't acceptable until the age of 16. but a lot of my friends (and I'm not saying they are bad people or anything) have already kissed at least 5 guys, some more than 10. they have had a few "relationships" that have lasted for less than 3 months. but they don't call this "dating." they call this "going out". they don't go to dances until they are 16 to live up to this rule.
let's take a look at me. most of my friends have already had their first kiss before they were 16. I haven't kissed anyone yet, because I made it a goal to wait until 16. but even after that, I don't want to kiss someone just to say "I've had my first kiss." I want to wait for the right moment, at the right time. but sometimes, I feel pressured to make the wrong choice, just to fit in with my friend group. I've never been in a relationship with anyone. I am really good friends with a lot of boys, and I find some of them very attractive. and I admit to really liking a few of them (never all at once), but I just don't feel the need to get in a relationship. I have watched it happen: a boy and a girl start out as friends, then they start liking each other, then they start going out, then they become a "thing." then, things get messed up and they aren't allowed to hang out with other people, drama arises, and one of them decides that they just don't want to go out anymore, they break up, and then neither of them talk to each other. they aren't even friends. it makes me sad. I just couldn't stand the idea of becoming really close with a boy, then going out with him, breaking up, and never talking again. I'm too scared of that happening. and it's a lot of commitment. I'm in high school. I want to enjoy life and not have to commit myself to one person all the time. I'm just not ready for that. I enjoy being friends with lots of boys, and having a few really close ones. it's a lot less drama that way, and I don't like drama.
now, don't get me wrong. I do want to go on dates. I want to eat food and go to movies and do fun things and have good times. but I just don't want a boyfriend. at least not yet. maybe I'll change my mind when I'm older. but it's just sad, watching lots of young girls get heartbroken over a boy. it may seem as if your life is in decline, and you will never see sunshine again. but really, that's a lot of commitment to make and it's just not worth it while you are supposed to be enjoying your life in high school.

and not getting too stressed about grades either. or the future.

it's a lot easier not worrying about things. not looking at the big picture. getting by, one assignment at a time instead of thinking about the huge final you have to take at the end of the year.

life is meant to be enjoyed. it's good to push yourself, but not to the point of stressing yourself out so much it ends up controlling your life and you go insane. do your best, and never stress.

try not to get too attached to one person. because that just messes everything up in the long run.

focus more on friendships with many people. you can have a few closer friends, and a best friend. that's good too. but it's good to get to know people.

be confident with yourself, and help others feel good about themselves too.

try not to please everyone, because it's impossible.

make someone's day, every day.

failure is an opportunity for improvement. it can be heartbreaking, but it's all just a big learning experience.

good music and tennis can fix everything.

good times.