rejection, dejection, & reflection

I know the title isn't cheerful. but this post is full of my true, honest feelings about what happened to me. I know, it would be nice if it was that "bad things happen to good people, and somethings things don't go the way we want them to, but everything happens for a reason and we should be happy" crap, but that is not what you are ever going to get from me. I'm not overly pessimistic, but I'm surely not overly optimistic. I'm a more realistic optimist. but as realistic as I am, accepting defeat is one of the hardest things for me. and I'm pretty sure that everyone has experienced the feeling of rejection. it has never been, or ever will be an easy thing.

sometime my sophomore year, I was really looking forward to my junior year. I could go to dances, I would have a lot of friends, I would be in acappella choir with all my senior friends, and I would have a good spot on the tennis team. pretty much, life would be perfect.

in the springtime (march or april?) i had acappella tryouts. I did really well, and the teacher was impressed. i thought everything was in my favor: I have perfect pitch (non-musically talented people: this means that I know where all the notes are. if you ask me to sing a D, I can sing a D. not a C-sharp or an E-flat. a D. it can be a blessing and a curse at times), my mom did acappella when she attended Timpview, I have a good voice, I could also accompany, I'm an alto, my best friend did acappella and he had no previous choir experience... but the only thing that set me back is that I had never taken a choir class at Timpview. part of it was that I couldn't fit it into my schedule, part of it being that I was too cocky and thought that my talent alone could get me in.
About 2 weeks after I tried out, I checked the list. I looked at second Alto, which is what I tried out for. my name wasn't on the list. so, I thought, maybe, they made me a first alto. so I checked that list. my name was not on there, or on any of the soprano lists, or even the boys parts. off to the side, in extremely small print, my name was on "Selected Concert Chorus".
I couldn't believe what I had read. Concert Chorus is the class that most girls take as sophomores to prepare them for acappella. no juniors ever take it, because they all get into acappella. so, I was extremely pissed, knowing I was an "acappella reject". I wanted to make it in more than anyone could possibly imagine. Like I mentioned earlier, I have perfect pitch, and I am good at singing acappella. My best friends were all taking it as seniors, and I wanted to have one last class with them, they sing the best songs, they go on tour to Disneyland... so the fact that I didn't make it was a big time low.

eventually, I decided I needed to get over myself and switch my focus to tennis tryouts. I got a new private coach, I could train all summer, I had improved 10 times better than last year, so to me, my chances of making a higher spot were pretty good.
until I had to help out at Freshman Orientation, around the same time I received the news that I was an acappella reject.
I was supposed to convince all these new 8th graders to take Japanese their freshman year (I am a really good liar. I would not recommend Japanese to anyone, unless they have some strange desire to learn how to read 3 different Asian alphabets and learn about 10000 different particles and which one goes where), and also recruit some tennis players. well, a ton of girls signed up for tennis. and my coach later told me that they were really good and were the kind of people who had been training since age 8 with private coaches. also, because our team won State, some girls transferred from other places, just to play tennis for Timpview. so, she said that this year, she would start to make cuts. before, anyone who tried out, got on. it didn't guarantee that they would play every match, but they were on the team. I was a bit worried, but I decided that if I worked hard enough, I could get a good spot on the team.

well, I did work really hard, and it was all in my favor this summer. I only lost one match in the City League, I got a new private coach who has done wonders to my technique, and I was training every day. I wasn't too worried about the other girls, but the thought that I had a lot more competition did make me a bit nervous.
on the first day of tryouts, when I saw exactly how many girls there were, I panicked inside my head.
8 new freshmen
2 girls who transferred from other schools
our 3 varsity singles players had already been set, as they were all seniors.
3 returning doubles players
2 seniors who were on JV last year
7 returning JV players
and me.
that makes 25 girls.
so, for the next 3 days, I was playing singles matches against some new freshmen and returning JV players. I won most of them, actually. how tryouts are supposed to work, is that varsity players play every varsity player, JV players play every JV player. but I didn't get to play every JV player, like I was supposed to.
on Day 3, she told me that everyone wanted to play singles this year, and she knows how much I hate playing doubles, but because there were a lot of singles players, I might have to play doubles. if you have ever read my posts about last years tennis season, you would know how much I hate playing doubles. doubles players love to play doubles because they don't have to do as much running, they have a partner, they can poach at the net, they can share the victory.... now, this might sound very self-centered, but I love being a singles player for the opposite reason. I don't want to share the victory with a partner. I feel more like a sidekick than a champion when I play doubles. also, sharing the victory also means sharing the loss. when you lose a doubles match, it isn't entirely your fault. your partner contributes to that as well. and it's hard for me to accept defeat, especially when it isn't entirely your fault. and I love singles because I can run around more, I can take more shots, I have longer rallies, and it's easier to accept a loss in singles.
anyways, enough about how much I hate doubles. I decided that I'd rather play doubles than not play at all, so I played a few really bad doubles matches.
finally, Coach called Team Meeting. I still hadn't played everyone in a singles match. I probably only played half the girls. but I guess she had already made her decisions.
when Coach read her list, she read Varsity first. we all knew who Varsity was, because most of them were returning players. then, she read JV. I kept waiting for her to say my name. finally, she said, "and that's it. you guys can leave. everyone whose name I didn't call, come talk to me."
at that moment, I knew I didn't make it. she didn't even need to talk to us. but I stayed to listen to whatever she had to say.
she said, "well, I don't want to cut anyone, so instead of cutting you guys, you will be our alternate team! our Non-Competition JV team! there were just too many players this year, and all the JV spots were filled! so, you guys will come to every other practice, on odd days, and you probably won't get to play in matches, but you should still come and support the rest of the girls! you don't go to morning conditioning, but you should still go to the evening practices. and maybe next year, you will get a better spot!"
NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO PISSED OFF IN MY LIFE.
I was still shocked. but it was real life. so I asked Coach if I could leave, and she said, "yes. please do."
so I just stomped off to my car, and to make things worse, a bird had pooped all over my windshield. I probably yelled, "Freshmen, I am not giving rides today! Go find your own!" and drove my (dad's) car home, and I just cried and cried and cried. why me? I had trained really hard the entire summer, I got a new coach, I was a better player this year than I was last year. so why did I get a higher spot on JV last year, and not even make JV this year? and I didn't even get to play everyone. that's what made me the angriest. what was the point of going to tennis practice if I wouldn't even get to play matches? and I'm not even a bad tennis player.
it's just that everyone else was better than I was.
and that hurt.
and I worked hard.
and no one seemed to recognize that except for my mom.
I thought being an acappella reject was bad enough. but a JV reject was worse.
and there are few things I hate more than the feeling of rejection.
so, I eventually decided to tell one of my best friends who was on the boys team, and he told me that I should still go to every practice and play my best and stick it to the coach. I wasn't too excited about this idea, but I can't give up on tennis, after all this hard work. I love the sport so much, I don't know what I would do without it. I couldn't give up my passion just because I didn't make the team I wanted!
at first, it was really hard to go to practice, knowing that I wouldn't be playing in matches. and believe me, it still hurts. but I just kept playing, hoping that Coach would recognize my talent and hard work.
turns out, some teams have more players than others. and with larger teams, us NCJV (Non-Competition Junior Varsity) girls could play, depending on how many extra spots there are. so, for our first match, my coach said there was one extra JV singles player. and guess who gets to play?!
ME.
even better: the next team we will play has an even larger team, and guess who gets to play JV singles twice in one week?
ALSO ME.
so instead of thinking of myself as a JV reject, I am still a JV singles player. I just don't get to play in every match. when there is someone for me to play, then I compete. when there isn't, I still support. I still don't like how the NCJV girls only practice every other day, and don't get to take tennis 7th period. but I use those days when I don't have team practice to train with my mom, which is actually really beneficial. because it's just her and me, she is able to drill me on things that I need to work on, not the whole team. it really does help me become a better tennis player. so, as bad as not making normal JV is, I'm still playing tennis, and I love tennis, and I'm getting better, and next year, hopefully, it will go better.

my brothers are yelling at me to make dinner, so I better wrap this post up. I am still sad about not making acappella and being with my senior friends, but I can still see them at concerts, and who knows, maybe I will be Alto Section Leader of Concert Chorus! and as for tennis, I just love tennis so much and could never quit, and as much as I hate not being an official JV player, I still get to play JV sometimes, which is probably the best thing, considering that some girls might not even play at all. so, pretty much, rejection is really hard to deal with, but eventually, we realize that there still are some good things about our situation, even if they might not be better. and failure is also an opportunity for improvement. and improvement is good.

have a good day. and if you ever experience the horrible feelings of rejection, come talk to me. I know how you feel. it's hard.
but (sorry this is cheesy), it does get better.
eventually.
trust me.

I really better make dinner for my brothers. they are getting angry.

NEW YORK {part 4: the city..again}

at last, here it is. the Grand Finale section of these vacation posts. after this post, I can start blogging about....other things! and by other things I mean tennis. since I've been back from vacation, everyone's been asking me, "are you excited to go back to school?" and I say, "well, I haven't seen my friends for a while. but I'm really excited for tennis season." and then they're just like, "oh yeah, you're quite the tennis player. have you done anything else this summer?" and I reply, "well, I did go to New York City, Palmyra, Niagara Falls, and Philadelphia."

to pick up from where I left off, we headed back to New York City. but for most of the day, we were actually in New Jersey. I've lived a pretty good 16 years and until now, I didn't know that the Statue of Liberty is actually in New Jersey. (sorry to burst your bubble, folks.) we went to Liberty State Park (in New Jersey) and took a ferry to Ellis Island (also in New Jersey). but we had a great view of New York.

 the classic "Mama Castle's white sunglasses and closed eyes Merm" shot

 again, my eyes are closed. Justin looks pretty good, and Wesley is making a normal face for once.

 the Immigration Museum. this place is where all the immigrants to the United States would go before they could live here. now, it has been converted into a museum all about immigration. it tells different stories about how people would immigrate to the US and what they would have to go through. it was a huge sacrifice for them, to leave their home country and come to a new country with a different language, different food, different lifestyle, and a completely different culture. having lived in a foreign country, I know how hard it is. but it must be harder to have to leave everything permanently. it was very interesting to learn all about immigration.

 the audio tour guides have made a return. one of the many highlights from England.

we took another ferry to the Statue of Liberty (which is also in New Jersey). Justin announces as soon as our boat is docked, "the Statue of Liberty is a gift from Fronce, right?" another thing I had no idea about. my brothers are getting smarter than I am. we only went to the pedestal, but we still had a great view of New York (and New Jersey). inside the pedestal, there was a museum where we learned how the statue was made. Justin was right; it indeed was a gift from France (or "Fronce" as Justin says. who knows why he does that. when we watched the World Cup, he was cheering for Fronce, he wants to go to Fronce, he calls my tennis coach "Froncis"...it's pretty funny.) During the French Revolution, France thought that if they gave us a present to symbolize liberty, then it would show France that they should get liberty too. so, the statue was designed in France (the guy who built the Eiffel Tower even helped with that), built in France, taken apart in France, shipped to America, and rebuilt in America. I swear, this blog could turn into a History Fact Blog. but much more interesting than a history textbook. 

after the Statue of Liberty, we drove our rental car to Guttenberg, New Jersey. we learned from London that our family does much better when we rent apartments than staying in hotels. I love hotels, until you try to cram all 5 of us in 1 room. apartments are a lot more spacious, and they have their own kitchen so that's a plus. we rented from a small Chilean man named Victor, and it was a great deal. only a 20 minute bus ride away from Manhattan, which was close compared to everything else we did on this trip! and we got an amazing view of the city from where we were staying. after getting settled and making dinner, we took the bus to Manhattan. (so I guess we thought we were in New York City all day, but in reality, we weren't in the city until the evening.) we walked around Time Square, and it is nuts. lights everywhere, people dressed up in costumes, so many shops, theaters.....it's crazy. I don't know if I could live there, because the traffic is crazy!

of course, we got one by my favorite store. not so much Justin's.

we got all excited when we saw all the people dressed up. Mom and I got this really stupid idea to take pictures. we didn't know that Mickey was going to ask for a tip! all my mom had was $5. great. $5 for a crappy picture in Times Square with a fake Mickey Mouse. Dad got so mad at us, but too bad. we didn't know!

Saturday was our last day in New York. we only had 3 things on our agenda: Central Park, the Museum of Natural History, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. there were a lot more things I wanted to do, but I don't plan the vacations, Dad does. so I really have no say in things. a new family moved next door to us, all the way from Canada. our families have become pretty good friends over the summer. the mom was telling us about how in their family, they have a respect system, and if any kid feels disrespected by another sibling, they get points taken off. once a certain number of points is gone, that sibling has to become the other sibling's slave. well anyways, on Monday, Mom and I wanted to go to a bagel place, but of course, Dad goes along with Justin's idea of just getting food at a convenience store. we did it all the time in Japan, we did it in England, so why not New York? but I didn't want anything there. I told Mom I wasn't feeling respected, and she said, "well, Dad does it his way." and I said, "well, no one ever listens to me. if Justin and I wanted completely different things, you would go along with Justin because he's the youngest, and you can never say 'no' to him." that shut her up for a while. 

(she didn't even deny it, like most parents would! they would say, "oh no, I love all my kids the same!" she agreed with me.)

anyways, enough complaining. we started off our day in Central Park. I had no idea how big it was until I went to the real thing. what a great place. I loved walking around and seeing the teeny little portion we saw. next time, I will bike around the whole park and ride in a boat. 

we walked around for a bit, and ended up at the American Museum of Natural History. we didn't really take a ton of pictures, but it was awesome. we learned about dinosaurs, ocean life, and historic people. we couldn't go through the whole museum, because it's huge. but we did as much as we could without getting tired. we finished around lunchtime, so we tried the foodstands in Central Park. Dad got mad because I made him pay $3 for a Diet Coke. I argued that it was worth it. the only places I could find Diet Coke on this vacation were in Philadelphia and New York City. everywhere else just had Pepsi. and let me tell you, Pepsi is completely different. it's nasty. but I convinced him, and we ate some New York gyros on a park bench. when we finished, we let the boys run around for a bit and scare some pigeons. we walked through the park again to go to the next museum, which was my favorite part of the whole vacation:
the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
I promise, we did go to the Met. again, we took no pictures, because.....it's an art museum. maybe we don't want our pictures taken in front of famous paintings. or, we were too focused on the paintings to take pictures. my favorite is the European paintings, especially the French artists. I just love the color they use, and the tone of their paintings. someone told me that "Starry Starry Night" by Van Gogh was at the Met, and we looked everywhere. we saw a few Van Gogh paintings, but we couldn't find "Starry Starry Night." we later learned that it was at the modern museum of art. not the Met. and the rest of my family was very impatient and would probably not want to suffer through another art museum. but I enjoyed every minute of it. I also loved the Modern Art section. I don't know why I love modern art so much, but it's just so....weird. but it's definitely unique. too bad the rest of my family hates it.

we walked through Central Park once again, we got lost, and I saved the day, and got us out of there and on the subway. once we got back to our apartment, our parents went into "crazy packing mode" so that's what we did. pack, pack, try not to sass the parents, try not to kill the brothers, and pack. as soon as we woke up on Sunday, what did we do? pack, sass the parents, get lectured, and drive the rental car back to the airport. after what seemed like ages, Mom, the boys, and I flew back to Salt Lake, and Dad flew First Class to Boston for a chemistry conference.

so, there ya go. another Castle family vacation. done. I still can't believe I not only got to go to London, but New York as well! now, I have to make a new bucket list of places I want to go! don't worry. I've already started. France, Italy, Germany, Hawaii, Florida, Costa Rica, China, San Francisco (my dad still owes me a trip there because we were going to go there instead of Yosemite, but again, because I have no say in things, the rest of the family decided Yosemite would be a better idea) and England (again) are on it so far. have the best summer, and if you ever get the chance to go to New York, you should.