I have wanted to write about this for a long time. I even wrote an op-ed about this for my writing class, but instead of sharing it in a formal essay form, I want to share this in something more relatable, something more....straight from Merm's honest heart. so, before I get to the point, here's what I have to say first: 1. this is very personal to me, and your experience may be completely different from mine. I respect that, and I support that. 2. not everyone in Provo or in the LDS church is like this, so PLEASE don't judge a whole religion or community based off what some people have said to me. there have been many people who have been very supportive of me, and I would like to thank them. and 3. please, PLEASE be kind to everyone, regardless of whether they choose to serve a mission or not.
I've spent about 13 or 14 years of my life in Provo, Utah. lots of mountains, lots of snow, lots of road construction, and definitely lots of Mormons. to some outsiders, we aren't considered "real" Mormons because we have release time seminary, "everyone" is modest (except I got dress coded at a BYU party for the length of my shorts), there aren't any "real" temptations, and no one is going to question you for serving a 1.5 or 2 year mission.
but, they will question you if you don't.
many of you are probably already asking "but why don't you want to serve a mission?" believe me. I've been asked that question just as much as I've been asked "are you planning on serving a mission?" before I answer this question, think about it. if it was the other way around, and I was planning on serving a mission, would you ask me "why are you going on a mission?" no. you probably wouldn't. you would probably just congratulate me and ask more mission related questions. so I think this is an extremely stupid question, but here is my answer.
as people sometimes forget, girls can choose whether or not they go on missions. if you don't believe me, President Thomas S. Monson said it himself when he announced the missionary age change. I don't feel like I need to serve a mission. I don't have the strong desire to serve a mission. News flash: not everyone has the desire to serve a mission. and that is perfectly fine. for me, I still don't exactly understand why I don't have the same desire as many of my friends do, but I do know that I've always wanted to get a college degree. yes, it is possible to get a degree and serve a mission, but for me, once I start something, I have to finish it. I have ADHD and anxiety, which both act up x10 when I have to adjust to a new change. I wouldn't be as motivated to go back to school because I would have to adjust to the routine again, which is NOT EASY FOR ME. yes, I know people with ADHD and anxiety who have served missions, but they would all agree that it is extremely challenging.
but even though I knew what I wanted to do, I would have friends and church leaders encourage me to pray about it more and tell me, "but you have such a strong testimony, and people need to hear it!" or "you are so good at talking to people!" or, my personal favorite, "I'm going on a mission, and all of our other friends are going, so why would you want to leave yourself out?" and then, I started to question myself. I started to think more about serving a mission, which of course, gave me anxiety, and whenever I thought about not serving, I felt better. but I didn't understand. I wanted to be accepted, but I just couldn't be honest. whenever people would ask me the question, I would say "I'm thinking about it" or "...yeah!" but it didn't feel good. finally, I asked myself why I was considering a mission, and these were the reasons:
everyone else is going. I'm feeling pressured by all my friends. serving a mission is a good thing. If I don't go, I'll feel left out. everyone else is going. it's the thing to do in Provo.
and THOSE ARE NOT GOOD REASONS. if anyone is considering serving a mission and these are the only reasons they can come up with, then pray about it, and if those are still the only reasons you have, THEN DON'T GO! serve a mission because you want to. serve a mission because you prayed about it, and you got a confirmation that it is the right thing to do. serve a mission because you want to help people learn about the gospel, despite all the challenges you will face. serve a mission because you will accept ANY place you get called to, no matter how hard the language is, how poor the country is, how weird the culture is, how gross the food is, or how "exotic" it is. serve a mission if that is what the Lord wants you to do, not what your friends, parents, or church leaders want you to do!
that being said, I have a HUGE respect for people who serve missions. both of my parents served, my dad in Okinawa Japan (now part of the Fukuoka mission, and Japanese speaking, obviously) and my mom in Houston, Texas, Spanish speaking. many of my friends either have served, are currently serving, or are preparing to serve, and what they have to go through is NOT easy. one of my best friends is serving in Ukraine, where people complain and drink vodka all the time and have a hard time understanding that there is a God who loves them. in Japan and other Asian countries, people would rather keep on worshipping their ancestors or forms of nature. and even English-speaking missions here in the United States, people just don't want to listen to you. you can't choose your companions, and I've heard many horror stories about bad companions. and to top off all that, it is a completely different environment than every day life. so anyone who is willing to do that and can last even just a few weeks is an absolute SAINT. it takes a lot of courage, strength, and perseverance, and I admire that. I don't have to serve a mission to be able to appreciate all that the missionaries do.
but deciding NOT to serve a mission also takes a lot of courage. I have been questioned, criticized, judged, and treated differently than I would have been if I had just done what everyone else did and said I was going on a mission. I have had people question my testimony, faith, and gospel standards. I have had people try and convince me to change my mind because "I didn't know if I wanted to go, but I did, and I loved it, so you will too!" none of this has been easy for me, and it wasn't until halfway through my senior year that I could feel confident when I said, "no, I'm not planning on a mission." I have had to learn patience and that most of these people have good intentions, they just don't understand that what the Lord wants me to do is different from what the Lord wants them to do.
to girls (and boys) who have served/are going on missions: my testimony isn't any weaker than yours, nor is yours any stronger than mine. the Lord has a unique plan for all of us: some people want to serve but don't end up going, some people don't want to serve but do end up going, and some people know what they want, and they do it. I love the gospel so much, but I can share it with others just by being an example to them and helping them make good choices. my mission is not to serve one. and that's okay. if the Lord wanted every girl to serve a mission, then the prophet would've said something. but he didn't. congrats for going on a mission, and I support you 100% for doing that. and I hope you will be able to support me for serving in a different way.
to girls (and boys) who are NOT serving missions: BE CONFIDENT. I know that there are many others in the same boat as me, but I don't know who you are. because either everyone is going on a mission, or they are too scared to say that they aren't. DON'T BE. because there are many other people who feel the same way, and they don't want to feel alone. you aren't any better or worse than those who have or are serving missions. so please, PLEASE be confident in your decision. it took me a while to get there, but it has made me feel a lot better about my decision not to serve.
and the bottom line? the Lord loves all of you. I know this because He has a different plan for each and every individual, instead of treating us all the same. He knows us and loves us, regardless of whether we serve a mission or not. and He would want us to love and support everyone as well.
the church is true. have a great day!
4 years ago
This is so strong, and well said. I hadn't realized that with the lowering of the age to serve that there had been such a cultural shift to expecting girls to serve missions. I never wanted to, and if the age was lower, still would not have gone. As I've gotten older I've met men who didn't serve for various reasons including one who has clinical depression. He watched his brothers with depression go and all come back early, and never recover from the toll it took on their mental health. He knew he didn't want to jeopardize that for himself, but gets tired of explaining it. You do you, because you are awesome. And I think it takes a lot of courage to stand up to the norm and decide what is best for you.
ReplyDeleteYou go Girl! It really does seem that there are few of us who, as I like to say, are "called to stay." Thank you for your love and support for both sides of the issue, and sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteWow this is amazing! It's as if you were reading my mind! I, too, am like you. Thank you for sharing this! (:
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful. I have always felt the same way. I have served a mission and I think it is a wonderful thing that would benefit anyone who decides to go, but it is for sure something that is optional for girls. People shouldn't EXPECT girls to go and think less of them if they don't go. However, for young men, it is a priesthood duty. They should go if able, but the same principle still applies: a young man shouldn't be looked down on if he chooses not to do it. Sure, going would be great for him and he would bless many lives, but it is still his personal choice and it must be respected.
ReplyDeleteI am sad to hear that there is pressure in Provo for young women to serve a mission. I didn't feel that pressure when I was a young adult there, missions were definitely in the minority for LDS women then. I did end up serving at almost age 22 but it was because I wanted to, not because of pressure from anyone. I have a daughter who is 17 and considering a mission. Luckily she feels no pressure to do it where we live (Michigan).
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