mid-college crisis

I have a white friend now and I've learned that abruptly going from brunette to blonde (or vice versa!) is a white woman stress signal, kinda like when squid quickly change their colors, it's a sign of distress!

— Jasmine Sha-Ree Sanders (@JasMoneyRecords) December 2, 2017

I'm a natural brunette. occasionally, I would have these natural blonde highlights show up in the summer, and sometimes people asked me if I got my hair lightened, but I did not want any more color than that. when I was 15, I made a commitment to grow out my hair, and I ended up loving not having to style my thick hair every day like I did when it was shorter. being a brown-eyed brunette with long, thick, naturally straight hair was part of my identity, and I was insistent on never changing that. around the time I graduated high school, a lot of my friends were either cutting or changing their hair color because it was "time for a change". I guess moving out of the house and starting college meant taking on a new identity. but I was in no way ready to give that up. if someone had changed their hair, I knew that it was code for "I needed a change" or "I'm going through a crisis". I made it a goal that no matter what crisis I went through, I would not touch my hair unless I needed to trim off some split ends.

fast forward to September of 2017. I was in my second year of college, and it was my first semester as a teaching major. I had a 4-hour class every day from 8-noon (most of the time, we would be observing classrooms in public schools all over Utah County, so thankfully, I was on my feet for most of the time). because I spent a lot of time off campus, my parents decided that it was not practical for me to share a car with my 16 year old brother anymore (I mean, it wasn't practical in the first place because I didn't live at home my freshman year either, but I spent a lot more time on campus and there was no parking in my dorm), so I now drove my own black Kia that I named Axl. I had a private room in a new apartment south of campus, and I did not know any of my roommates or anyone in my complex. a lot of my friends from my first year of college left on missions, and some of my older friends were coming home from their missions. a few of them ended up getting engaged reallllly fast after coming home. all of those were big changes for me. some were good changes, while others gave me major anxiety. I was closer to 20 than 19, and I was growing up. freak, I had students who were calling me "Miss Castle" and were treating me like I was a real teacher.

so, one day, while I was observing a 9th grade geography class at a junior high, I decided that this was the time. not only did I want a change, but I needed a change.

so, I texted one of my best friends from high school who was in hair school, and told her that I wanted more blonde in my hair, but I didn't know what I wanted. we discussed different options, and 2 days later, I got a subtle melt. it wasn't a major change, but my roots were definitely brunette and my ends were definitely blonde.

as cheesy as it sounds, changing my hair marked a lot of transitions in my life. a new major, a new apartment, a new ward, new friends, new classes, and new opportunities. I ended up teaching a review game to 3 different 11th grade US History classes. I taught a lesson about the Standard Oil Company to students in an alternative high school. once my teaching observation class was done (it was only half of the semester), I spent my mornings volunteering at a special needs preschool for part of a psychology assignment. I only needed 11 hours, but I loved it so much that I ended up doing a total between 30 and 40 hours. I developed relationships with these children that have taught me love, patience, and compassion in ways that I had never felt. not only am I learning to become a better teacher, I am learning to become a better person. and overall, I have become more confident.

change has always been hard for me. and I mean really hard. but I have learned that it is really important to get outside your comfort zone every now and then. and sometimes, in order to cope with everything, you need to do something fun, like changing your hair.

oh, and last week, when I went in to get my split ends trimmed, I got my color redone. this time I went a wee bit blonder, because a little change can, you know, be pretty fun.

(that strawberry was really delicious and juicy, in case you wanted to know)

twenty.

hello, friends. this month, I celebrated my 20th birthday. to be completely honest, it was a pretty weird birthday. I spent my morning observing my favorite world history teacher at my old high school as part of one of my education classes. back when I was in high school, word got out quickly that it was my birthday. people I didn't even know would say "Happy birthday, Miriam!" to me. in 2015, this teacher (the one I was observing) made an announcement on the intercom that it was my 17th birthday. and I hope this doesn't sound completely narcissistic, but I liked the attention. I have never been one to hide in the background and blend in. even though I was (and still am) 5 feet tall, I made sure that my presence was noticed. I had a lot of friends, and every year on my birthday, a large group of them would come to my house and grab some wonderful dessert made by my mother. I loved my birthdays.

on Tuesday, I purposely showed up 15 minutes after the tardy bell because I did not want to be mistaken as a student. after all, I was here to observe my favorite history teacher as a practicum assignment for one of my classes, not loiter on my old stomping grounds. after I parked my car in the Visitor's Parking lot, I saw a lady who appeared to be running late. I held the door open for her, and she said, "thank you so much, even though you are probably already 15 minutes to your first class! what grade are you in? what class do you have right now?"
"oh, you're welcome. and I'm actually not a student here. I graduated 2 years ago. I am a teaching social science major at BYU"
"oh, so how old are you?"
"20"
"you look really young for a 20-year-old...and don't worry, you'll be grateful when you are my age!"

I thought about the last time I walked into Timpview High School (besides this one time last year when I was visiting this same teacher and a few of my friends who were seniors at the time). I was the same height as I am now. I blasted Bohemian Rhapsody on my way to school. I went out to lunch with a few of my best friends on the tennis team. I was devastated that Roger Federer pulled out of the French Open due to injury. I was excited to start BYU, but I was definitely going to miss high school. I would miss my social life, going to In-N-Out after football games, making quesadillas with my friends at my house for lunch, Great Harvest runs, and so much more. I thought I was going to be a commercial music major and one day bring classic rock back into the mainstream. I maybe wanted to minor in history. I was not looking forward to BYU not having any caffeine on campus. I was very excited, but also very anxious.

and boy, I was a very different person than I am at 20 years old.

yes, I am still the same height as I was back then. yes, I still blasted Bohemian Rhapsody in my car on the way to school. yes, I still love classic rock music and want to maybe someday bring it back into the mainstream. yes, I still have a lot of the same friends, but we don't see each other as much. some are serving missions, while others are attending different universities. even the ones who attend BYU with me aren't seen very often, because college can take over your life. but even though I thought I had it all with an amazing social life (and truth is, I still miss it sometimes), I have become a much better, stronger person.

I got rejected from the BYU Commercial Music program and decided that I wanted to do something that I love, which is sharing what I'm passionate about with other people. I declared my major as Teaching Social Science in winter of 2017, and officially entered the program in the fall. I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and that I can help so many people in the process, whether it be by teaching them history, listening to them, or even just being a friend. I have learned so much about history, geography, psychology, teaching others, and teaching myself. I still enjoy eating out, but instead of going to In-N-Out after football games, my friends and I will go after our shift is done, and we can't stay all night because I have a crap ton of economics homework to do. BYU has caffeine on campus now. Roger Federer is in the final round of the Australian Open this year. he won TWO GRAND SLAMS since he pulled out of the French Open in 2016.

anyways.

as weird as it is walking into your old high school and getting mistaken as a student multiple times (yes, this incident did happen a few more times), I am very proud of the person I have become. I am now more confident, more resilient, and less anxious. I have learned more about how to control both my ADHD and anxiety and still get good grades (getting on the right meds helps, too). I have a major that I love, and I have a plan for my future. I still hang out with some of my friends from high school, and I have made many new ones as well. I have learned how to serve and be a good example to others, even when I feel like sleeping through all of my classes. I have learned how to better get along with people and how to compromise (this one is HUGE). even though I have stayed the same height since I was 14, I have grown emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

oh, and I also decided that maybe, being a solid brunette wasn't as fun as, you know, getting a little blonde melt in my hair.

let the extroverts be extroverts

for the longest time, I never understood how it was so hard for some people to just take initiative and start a conversation. sure, it wasn't the easiest thing for me, either, but I felt comfortable enough doing it that I felt like people expected me to do it 100% of the time.

I never understood why certain people never contributed anything to group discussions. I remember asking one of my friends why she wasn't sharing her opinion in a group meeting that she had shared with me in private. she said, "oh, because I don't like sharing. I figured you would do it."

I never understood why some people would rather just stay at home and watch TV instead of go to a football game.

and most of all, I never understood how hard it was for me to keep quiet. to not share my opinion. to stay under the radar. to blend in. 

and to be honest, it is still a hard concept for me to grasp. but what is even harder for me to understand is that some people think that because I am comfortable initiating conversations and leading discussions, that I am completely fine with doing it all the time. that I could care less what they think.

and that is not true at all.

I have seen many posts going around social media about how being an introvert among extroverts is exhausting and how introverts need to be understood more. and believe it or not, I can say the same thing about extroverts. and since you introverts are so good at listening to other people, I have something to say:

IF YOU WANT EXTROVERTS TO UNDERSTAND YOU, IT DOESN'T WORK UNLESS YOU PUT FORTH AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND THEM, TOO!

this doesn't mean that I think that the solution is for everyone to become less or more introverted/extroverted than we already are and be at a happy medium. I'm saying that we need both introverts and extroverts in this world. each has strengths and weaknesses that are crucial in working together. but I personally feel like there are several misconceptions about extroverts that need to be addressed. so without further ado...

common misconceptions about extroverts: by me, your favorite extrovert.

I have taken a few different forms of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I had to take a written version for my AP psychology class in high school, and I got ESTJ (extroverted-sensing-thinking-judging). when I started college, I wanted to see if I had changed since high school (because many people talk about how their personality changes every time they take the test), and I was still an ESTJ. finished my freshman year, still ESTJ. what's interesting is that all 4 of my letters are usually around or above 70%, which means my personality is pretty set. ok, last time I took it I was 69% judging, but that's the closest I've ever gotten to any other letter. and what's even more interesting is that my level of extroversion is always around 90% or higher. but I am a human being. in addition to being highly extroverted, I also have ADHD and sometimes, I can get over-stimulated and I need a little break from people. I need to sit down for maybe 5 minutes and go through everything I have to do, and then I can go back to being social again. but no matter how extroverted someone appears to be, at the end of the day, even we need our own down time. I just need less of it than you do. and when I have too much down time, I get restless.

I am the oldest in my family. I have 2 younger brothers and no sisters. I never shared a room growing up. because of this, I grew accustomed to having some privacy. but for me, that meant studying with my music on, reading out loud to myself, inviting a friend in my room to quiz me on terms that I needed to memorize for a test, taking a 10 minute power-nap, etc. when I wake up, I have to turn on loud music to get me motivated to get out the door. and sometimes, I really do need time to decompress, like I said in the last paragraph. so I do understand the value of personal space. however, I hate being completely ignored. my freshman year of college I moved into an apartment with 5 girls (remember, I only have brothers so living with the female gender for me is like living on a different planet) that I had never met. being the outgoing person that I am, I thought that at least one of them would click with me. guess what. none of them did. I was an extrovert living in an apartment full of introverts. I thought that because I have introverted friends, my roommates would come around sooner or later. and yes, some did, but some never did, even after living with me for 2 whole semesters. sharing a room with an introvert definitely taught me more about the value of personal space. it definitely helped me grow as a person. after we got to know each other, I really ended up liking my roommate a lot. there were also times where I felt like I couldn't be myself in my own apartment. I felt like every time I walked into the room that I shared just to grab my backpack or something, I had popped my roommate's personal bubble. I knew that I didn't have to be best friends with my roommates, but when I tried to get to know them, it felt painful at times. I genuinely was interested in finding out about them, but when I asked them questions, they would either give me one-word answers or not respond at all. I felt like I couldn't even talk without getting glared at for disturbing the peace. but what was extremely difficult was watching them all click with each other but not with me. I was the extrovert here! I am supposed to be the expert at making friends! but I wasn't, and it hurt. 

if you want to make friends, there has to be a mutual understanding. 

there has to be compromise. if I am talking to you and genuinely trying to get to know you, you don't have to tell me your whole life story. but just try and make an effort. if it seems like I am taking over a whole conversation, it is likely because no one else is contributing and I feel awkward. 

I've heard people say that "people who talk a lot like people who listen a lot". yes, this is true. but it has to be a two-way street. I suck at analogies, but here is one: I play tennis. sure, there are ways to practice tennis by yourself, but the whole game is about hitting the ball back and forth over the net. the only way to practice this is either against a wall, or with another person. if only one person is returning the shots while the other one just stands on the other side of the net and observes, nothing is accomplished. if we take turns and focus on keeping the ball in play, both people are able to learn consistency. but if I just go for winners every time and only hit kill shots, preventing my opponent from even touching the ball, then I did everything and they did nothing. and I do not like that. if I'm doing all the talking, I learn nothing about the other person. if I do all the listening, they learn nothing about me. and in the end, no one grows. 

another misconception is that extroverts aren't sincere. I guess the fact that we will talk to anyone and the fact that we tend to have large groups of friends doesn't make us genuine? WRONG. I am a very honest, sincere person. when I give compliments, I mean them. my love language is words of affirmation, meaning that I show my love through verbal support. in turn, it means a lot when people take the time out of their day to say hi, have a conversation with me, or give me a compliment. WE DON'T ALWAYS TALK JUST TO TALK! in fact, let's go back to the basics that I learned in my high school psychology class:

an extrovert is one who gets energy from being around people. keeping all their thoughts and emotions inside is more stressful for them, and they release it by talking or being active. this doesn't mean that they have no concept of personal space, but they feel better when they are being socially active.

an introvert is one who gets energy from being alone. when they are by themselves, they can process their thoughts and emotions easier than they can when they are around other people. they also tend to prefer to express themselves through writing than verbally. this doesn't mean that they hate being around people or that they are too shy to make friends. this just means that they need more down time.

and of course, there are exceptions, but if extroverts truly didn't enjoy talking to people and being around them, THEN WE WOULD ALL BE INTROVERTS. case closed.

I admit, both extroverts and introverts have their weaknesses. yes, I can be pretty loud and energetic and I can see how it can overwhelm people. I am known for being blunt and insensitive. I don't fly under the radar. I like to take charge, but I hate being told what to do. I am very self-confident, but that can be mistaken as arrogance. and I admit, sometimes I can be a bit arrogant. but sometimes I feel like introverts can be a bit arrogant because they pride themselves in being quiet, independent, deep thinkers who don't need friends. and maybe for some people, that's true. but the way to understand people is to give them a chance. I've had many people tell me, "when I first met you, you came off a bit strong and overwhelming. but now that I've gotten to know you, I know that you are genuinely interested in getting to know people, you are confident in yourself and want others to be confident too, and you are a great friend. I'm glad I gave you a chance instead of allowing myself to be scared or intimidated by you." again, GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE.

finally, think about how it makes you feel when someone says, "be more outgoing!" or "don't be afraid to speak up!" or "just go out and make more friends!" 

now, is it any different from "just be less noisy!" or "no one cares, just shut up!" or "you should spend more time studying and less time partying!" or "just try blending in for once!" 

no. it's not.

not all extroverts are scary. not all introverts are socially awkward. if you want to be understood, make sure you are also making an effort to understand those around you. the more we learn about each other, the more we grow.

PS BYU FOOTBALL STARTS ON SATURDAY. if you need me, I'll be at the game. if you're staying home to binge-watch Netflix, I truly hope you have a good time.

"be nice. be good."

It's 2017.
Be nice.
Be good.

— Harry Styles. (@Harry_Styles) January 1, 2017

I know it's a bit late to talk about New Year's resolutions and all that jazz, but this is something I've been working on this year. something I've noticed since I moved out of my family's house and on-campus is that it requires a lot more effort to be nice. In my family, we would talk about our day at the dinner table, because we would try to have family dinner as much as we could. we had to give a report on how we were doing in school, and we would either get lectured or we would get advice. we were also encouraged to talk about what's working in our life and what isn't. because my family was so open at the dinner table, we learned a lot of life lessons. we learned how to treat people the way they want to be treated. (for example, I love being around people and I would be fine if someone invited me to a football game and went to In-N-Out afterward, but other people might not be as social and would like to be left alone, and would appreciate kind words at most.) we learned the nicest way to say things but still get the point across, and if we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say it at all. now, I'm a bit more blunt and straightforward, so I often speak the truth, even if it isn't nice. I've been working on stating my opinions in a nicer way and not hurting other peoples' feelings. but I have learned a lot from these dinner table conversations, and they have helped me be a nicer person.

but I learned that not everyone grew up with consistent family dinners and life lessons at the dinner table. and it was a bit of a surprise to me, especially when I entered college. I've heard all these high schoolers complain about how everyone is so immature in high school and how they can't wait to get to college where everyone magically is 100x more mature because they moved on in their schooling.

and sorry bud, but that doesn't happen. and I was kinda shocked to find out that it doesn't. so I'm just warning you here.

I've met good people, and I've met not-so-good people. I've met people who love my outgoing personality, and I've met people who hate it. I've met people who love my music taste, and I've met people who think it's too weird and old-fashioned. I've met people who say they admire my authenticity and I've met people who just can't understand why I don't fit the cultural norms. I've met people who think I'm smart and have an interesting perspective, and I've met people who think I'm stupid and ignorant just because I lean a little more to the right on the political spectrum (and I've also met people who think those who lean a little more to the left are also automatically stupid and ignorant). I've met people who think I'm hilarious and I've met people who think I'm rude, self-centered, and that I need to be quiet. and yes, I know that I can't please everyone, but I wasn't expecting this many people to be displeased. 

these experiences have made me think about myself and what changes I need to make. no, these are not changes I am making to please them. these are changes I am making to benefit myself. I am looking at their not-so-good examples and learning from them. they are a good reminder to me of how I should and shouldn't treat others. it has also helped me realize that my bluntness can go a wee bit too far, and that I should hold back.

for example, I appreciate honesty. but which sounds better:
"hey, I'm trying to study right now, so could you please go in the kitchen? thank you!" or "how many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?! I literally have to restrain myself from telling you to shut up all the time. why don't you understand that not everyone wants to talk to you?"
"could you please put your dishes away?" or "why do you always leave your dishes out on the counter?! quit expecting others to take care of you!"
"That's an interesting perspective. I disagree with you, but now I feel like I understand why you have the views that you do! This is how I think about it" or "You are wrong. You obviously don't know anything about how the world works, or how it feels to be a minority. You are so ignorant, I can't believe that you are even in college."
"I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift. I prefer classic rock and alternative music, but I know that not everyone likes that, either!" or "Taylor Swift sucks, I can't believe you listen to that trash."

(DISCLAIMER: some of these bad examples are based off things other people have said to me, while others are based off things I have actually said myself. we are all learning!)

see? there is always a better way of saying things. and yes, it can be hard, and yes, I admit I have said the words "Taylor Swift sucks" on more than one occasion, and it's not fair if I am allowed to say that but that you aren't allowed to criticize Bohemian Rhapsody. I'm human. I'm trying.
(except I really don't like Taylor Swift.)

but instead of focusing on all the negative things about other people, we should try and look for the good. in the words of Queen and David Bowie, "why can't we give ourselves one more chance? why can't we give love one more chance?!" we can always give ourselves the chance to love. if you want to be a happier person, then be nice. be good. like I said, you're not going to please everyone, but you will make a lot more friends that way. and if you make others feel good, you will likely feel better about yourself!

yesterday was Easter, and I have learned a lot about the Easter story and about Jesus Christ in my New Testament class this semester. I've noticed at Christmastime how being kind and serving others is emphasized so that we can remember the true meaning, but Jesus gave us the greatest gift of all when he died for us- so that we can repent from our sins and be with our families for all eternity! I feel like He would want us to focus on being kind all year instead of just in December. and I'm not saying I'm a perfect example of this. I mean, I just said Taylor Swift sucks 2 paragraphs ago. and I know that people might freak out a little bit because trying to be Christlike is hard, so I'm not saying we have to be perfect. but all of us: you, me, your siblings, my siblings, your parents, my parents, your friends, my friends, Donald Trump, college basketball refs, BYU fans, Utah fans, and even the classiest people like Roger Federer can all try just a wee bit harder to be more kind and loving!

so let's give love one more chance.
let's be nice. let's be good.

(and if you really want to be good, listen to this live performance of Harry Styles singing "Sign of the Times". he sounds so different than when he was in One Direction, and I'm loving it. this is coming from someone who mostly listens to classic rock and alternative music. HARRY STYLES IS TALENTED OK?!)

singing in general conference.

I'll just start out this post with this video, a clip from one of my favorite Spongebob episodes. (yes, I'm 19. yes, I still enjoy Spongebob. yes, I am very immature.)

Spongebob seeing himself in this commercial is how I felt this past weekend. all women who participate in the BYU choirs and some choir alumni got to sing at the General Women's session of LDS general conference. this has actually been a lifelong dream of mine, to sing in a general conference session. ever since I was young, one of my favorite things about conference weekend was watching the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform and look for the people with the weirdest hairdos. I wondered what my hair would look like when I got to sing on TV, what I would wear, what I would sing, and how old I would be. I thought I would be closer to 59 than 19. but I guess I chose the right year to audition for BYU Women's Chorus, because WE were selected to sing at the general women's session this spring!

so, in case you ever wondered what it's like to sing in the conference center, in Salt Lake, in front of a live audience of 21,000 people, and even more watching online or on television, here you go:

(and of course, this is the best account you'll ever read because...you know...I'm honest.)

the BYU women's chorus started rehearsing for general conference in around October. when I found out that we would be performing 3 pieces + a congregational hymn in the General Women's Session, I was so excited. I couldn't believe that I could have this opportunity at such a young age. I mean, yes, I made it into an audition-only university choir as an alto 2 (for all you non choir people: this means I sing the lower alto part, so basically the bass part in a women's chorus). yes, I was one of 22 members of the madrigal choir my senior year of high school. yes, I have perfect pitch. yes, I sang Bohemian Rhapsody from memory in front of my 5th grade class at a karaoke party. but I didn't feel like I was conference material. I didn't feel worthy. and to be honest, we sounded pretty rough at first. there were moments when we were rehearsing that I wondered if we could even pull it off. and not only did I have to learn really low alto parts to 3 songs that I was already familiar with, I had to learn to sing them expressively. and being expressive in a performance is actually something I struggle with. on more than one occasion, the judges of my piano competitions told me that I was a technically great pianist, but I wasn't "emotional enough". I wasn't moving all over the keyboard, and I just wasn't "feeling" it. I was completely stiff. even though I did feel emotionally connected inside, I just couldn't show it. but when you are singing in conference, you have to look like you are bearing your testimony. and I tried, but it wasn't easy. but (as you will see later), we were able to pull it off.

something you might know about is the dress code. our wonderful director, Jean Applonie (someone misspelled her name in a hashtag on twitter as #JeanAppolenoie), chose the color scheme. basically, we didn't want to cause a heart attack.

Shout out to whoever picked the wardrobe for this year's choir. Finally some colors that don't cause a heart attack #womensconf #LDSConf

— Madeline Marie (@oymadelinemarie) March 26, 2017

Well, #JeanAppolenoie decided on a "narrow scope of jewel tones: medium to dark hues of blue, turquoise, green, and purple", and we either had to wear a solid dress, or a solid top with a black skirt. we could choose any of those colors, but if it was too light, we would have to select something else. dress/skirts had to be at least knee length when both standing and sitting, and if you did choose to wear an undershirt, it had to be either black or the same color as the shirt, because anything light would look bad on camera. for me, I had a hard time finding anything that fit the criteria, but then my mom picked out my dress as a late birthday present, and I loved it. it was perfect, and it was approved by the wardrobe committee. oh, and we had to do TV makeup and there were certain requirements for hairdos as well. no large buns on top of the head (we didn't want to block the girl behind us), and it had to look nice. nothing too fancy, but it had to be classy.

In order to get some good practice performances, we performed each of the songs at our fall concert and in BYU devotionals. after a few extra rehearsals outside of class, we finally felt like we were ready. (I ate half a pizza and drank a 32 ounce Diet Coke after our last out-of-class rehearsal before we went to Salt Lake. I needed to celebrate somehow.)

THE BIG DAY

I woke up, showered, got in my dress, and did my stage makeup before 11:00 am. then, my mom picked me up from my apartment and brought me home to do my hair. I had to be back at BYU at 1 in order to get on the bus. our plan was to arrive in Salt Lake at 2:30, but because it was raining and rain freaks everyone out for some reason, it took longer. on the bus, the WC presidency told us to prepare ourselves spiritually for this performance. most girls either read scriptures or studied their music. I knew that the only thing that would calm me down and get me focused was putting in my earphones and blasting Bohemian Rhapsody. (some people have different levels of spirituality, okay?!) we arrived at around 3 at the conference center in Salt Lake. we went through an entrance that I had never seen before, and it led us to a rehearsal theater. we did a quick warmup in there, and then section by section, we went up to the LOFT, which is where the choir would sing during the meeting! I was in section C, row 1, seat 1. right behind the organist. (why is it a thing to stick the 5 foot altos behind the organ? but it turned out to be a prime spot.) we did a soundcheck, went over some rules, went back to the theater to eat dinner, touch up our makeup, and went back to the loft for another sound/camera check. then, it was GO TIME.

I had been to 2 sessions of general conference in my life prior to this. the first one was a general women's session when I was 15 in March, and the second one was a Sunday afternoon session in October (I was still 15). seeing conference live has always been a cool experience, but it was a lot different sitting in the loft and having to watch the speakers on a tiny screen. Bonnie L. Oscarson, the general Young Women's president, opened the meeting. SHE IS SO COOL AND SHE ALWAYS GIVES GREAT TALKS. and then, for REAL, it was go time.

our opening song was "Come O, Thou King of Kings". (see if you can find me! also, I have this really cool, low alto part and I got to go full chest voice on it. it was great.)

then, after the opening prayer, we sang "I Feel My Savior's Love" (I AM IN THE FREAKING PREVIEW FOR THIS ONE GUYS THIS IS REAL)

my mom, her sister, and her sister-in-law all got tickets to this session. however, because no one knows how to handle rain here and the security people were going nuts and trying to dry off everyone's umbrella, they missed my first 2 songs, which are really the only ones where you can see me in the video. my mom spent the whole time trying to look for me, but since she was far away, it was unsuccessful. I tried to look for her in the audience, but I couldn't find her, either.

oh, and the congregational hymn was kinda a wreck. usually, they show the words on the screen so that everyone can sing them. but for whatever reason, they forgot to do it this time. NO ONE KNEW THE WORDS. and I tried to BS the alto part as best as I could. (I even practiced while fixing my makeup.) but...it was a struggle, but we pulled it off.

all the talks were amazing. to be honest, the general women's session isn't always my favorite meeting, but ALL the talks were great this time. I was actually paying attention to each one and focusing on the speaker, rather than the fact that I was sitting in front of 21,000 people. I put a link to the talks at the beginning of this post, and if you haven't read or listened to them yet, you should!

the closing song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" was my favorite one. it was one of my favorite songs when I was in primary, and it had a gorgeous alto part (do I act like all I care about is the alto part? well, I'm sorry. sometimes I feel like we are under appreciated). singing this song especially felt amazing, because it was the last one, and I felt really peaceful instead of nervous. I could feel my Savior's love for me, and I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me (yes, I'm being cliché, but IT WAS TRUE, OK?!). I have always felt the spirit strongly through music, and that's how I like to share my testimony. there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that mentions using my musical gifts to share the gospel, and I was definitely doing that. I felt so grateful that God blessed me with my voice, my piano skills, and the opportunity to sing in this choir.

after the closing prayer was said, President Henry B. Eyring and President Dieter F. Uchtdorf both turned around and waved at us, and then they gave us a thumbs up! I FELT SO APPRECIATED. then, Dieter's wife, Harriet, gave him a hug and waved at us, too, and I felt so much love from them. and THEN all of the Young Women's presidency, primary presidency, and Relief Society presidency came UP TO THE LOFT to tell us what a great job we did. IN PERSON. and of course, I said "thank you." they are all so kind, and I could feel their love for me and each member of the choir. it was surreal.

we weren't allowed to leave until after all the general authorities were gone, and most of the audience was gone, too. I went home with my mom and my aunts instead of going back on the bus. I could tell they were all so proud of me, even though they weren't able to see me (we later watched a recording on TV and then they could all see me). 2 days later, I still can't believe that I had the opportunity to sing at a general conference session, and I will always be grateful for it! I know that the gospel is true, and that music is a very powerful way of sharing it.

 the whole choir at rehearsal

 my brothers and my dad recorded it just so they could see me. Wesley got pretty excited.

 and here is the back of my head!

on taking care of yourself and getting help

over the years, I have seen many inspiring posts on social media about personal experiences with mental illness or psychological disorders. I always love reading these posts because it takes a lot of bravery to talk about personal struggles, especially those of mental illness. and believe me, I know how hard it is to talk about it. I still am not completely comfortable using the term "mental illness" to describe myself. I prefer the term "psychological disorder" because I don't like to think of myself as "sick" or "ill", I feel better looking it as something "out of order". and speaking of disorders, I have 3:

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD),
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD),
and
seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

I've generally been open about my ADHD. for one thing, it's the most obvious. if you've ever read my blog and noticed how my thoughts jump from one thing to another in no organizational manner whatsoever, this shouldn't surprise you. and I mean, it's even more obvious when you try and have a conversation with me. if I say anything witty or funny at just the right time, just know I didn't spend any time thinking of it. it just came out. that's how my ADHD works, and it can be pretty fun. but it's not fun when I forget what I'm talking about mid sentence, or when I so very courteously interrupt in the middle of a story. or when I'm making dinner, but I forget that I'm making dinner and I remember that my laundry is done, and then on my way to get my laundry, I forget where I'm going and I grab a Diet Coke, and then I come back to my food, and my pasta is boiling over. now, I know this happens to everyone occasionally, but it happens to me a lot. but the point is that I've dealt with ADHD for a long time; I'm the most familiar with it, and it's not hard to notice it, so I can literally say "I have ADHD" to someone and they will usually be like, "oh ya, so that's why you do (any of my ADHD traits)!" and I'm just like "yep!"

but sometimes, it's hard to really talk about it. yes, I can casually mention that I deal with it, or make a joke about it, and people will understand (or pretend to). but when I was a junior in high school, I had to make a presentation about it for my psychology class, and it was hard talking about it in front of all those people. then when I was a senior and took AP psychology, I had to do another presentation about it, but this time I had to do a "case study". and that case study, of course, was me. (and to be honest, it was kinda weird.)

so, after my incredibly long introduction, here is my story. it's not inspirational like all the other posts about mental health, because...ya know. it's me, raw and unfiltered.

I can't remember any time of my life where I haven't made a stupid impulsive decision, or spoke my mind and hurt someone's feelings without meaning to. my parents thought it was "just a phase" and that I would learn not to walk up to people on the playground and take their shovel away that they were digging in the sandbox with. I would mature and learn not to blurt out the first answer that popped into my head in class. but in second grade, my teacher noticed that I had to go to the bathroom a lot, and by a lot, I mean like 4-5 times a day, I would ask to be excused. most of the time, I wouldn't even have to go. I was just tired of sitting in class all day, so when I asked to go to the bathroom, it gave me the opportunity to MOVE. but around this time, I was starting to have stomach aches and be nervous about lots of things that 8 year olds aren't normally nervous about. and I won't go into detail here, because it's pointless and I don't want to talk about it, but they were stupid things. so my parents started to think that I had anxiety, but hoped it was still a phase.

in fourth grade, however, I was still as impulsive as ever and got sent to the principal's office on 3 different occasions, but the only story worth telling is the time I chucked a ball at this girl's face and yelled "BULLSEYE!" and didn't apologize. why I did it, I don't even know. but my parents weren't as concerned about this as they were about my anxiety. I was afraid of so many things that it was making everyday life hard for me. so they took me to see a counselor. but they didn't tell me why I was going to see a counselor, and I was frustrated with them. why did I have to talk to this dude once a week about my life, my motives, and what made me scared? it wasn't helping. and then, I got a diagnosis. it wasn't anxiety, but it was what I thought was "80-HD", like some kind of new TV screen.

(now, imagine how shocked I was when I learned that it meant that I just had a really hard time focusing like a normal person, and that I do stupid impulsive things like throw balls at peoples' faces for no apparent reason.)

long story short, I was medicated and I still had anxiety, but after switching ADHD meds and maturing, the anxiety lessened. I mean, it was still there, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be. or, I just ignored it.

all during this time, I was a lot grumpier in the wintertime. I didn't get excited for Christmas like normal people did, and it wasn't because I hate presents and Christmas music and Jesus's birth, the only 2 reasons I could think of were: all you do is sleep all day, and winter sucks and it's a miserable time. I was more tired, I was less motivated, I had more headaches, I was more anxious, and I cried more. when I was in high school, I got diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which made total sense as to why I was a lot more SAD (hahahahaha GET IT?!) during the winter, and that it was correlated with the lack of sunlight I was receiving. I was told to spend more time around light, take Vitamin D supplements, and exercise regularly.

back to the rest of the story. I took psychology my junior year of high school, and when we learned about anxiety, I felt grateful to know that that part of my life was over. or so I thought. I had unexplained chronic muscle tension, I was a lazy perfectionist (but a perfectionist nonetheless), I always had to drive myself to activities because I was worried that my friends would either be late or forget to give me a ride (or that they would get lost), I hated making plans with other people because I had to know exactly what we were doing and when, and if I ever thought about all the things I needed to do, I would sometimes have a nervous breakdown and just avoid doing it. I wasn't adjusting well to change. whether I liked it or not, the anxiety was back.

but I still told myself that it was no big deal. nothing was a big deal. I'm just a regular person on ADHD medication who also has anxiety and seasonal depression but can manage it by myself. I kept on telling myself that everything was fine. I didn't want help. my father always told me to be tough, and if I were to ask anyone for help, I didn't feel like I was being tough. and since I was going to college, I needed to be an adult. I wasn't living with my parents anymore, and I needed to take care of myself. I told myself that all these feelings of anxiety and emotional breakdowns would go away once I started college.

guess what? THEY DIDN'T! I was still having breakdowns! almost every time I would go home and talk to my mom, I would just cry and not want to go back to my apartment, but I had to. things started looking up once I changed my major, but then I entered one of the coldest, snowiest, darkest, most miserable Januaries I had ever experienced, and the seasonal depression took a nose dive. I was having a hard time motivating myself to do anything, and even though my life was going pretty well, I was just sad. finally, I called my doctor and set up an appointment. I ended up getting a special "happy light" that specifically helps with SAD, a stronger prescription of Vitamin-D supplements, and (finally) a real diagnosis for GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder.

at first, I was really upset because this meant more meds and it was suggested that I start seeing a therapist to manage the anxiety. and during this whole time, I told myself that I didn't need a therapist, I was strong enough. but then, I realized.

I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

and in some situations, taking anxiety medication and going to a therapist is taking care of myself.

this doesn't mean that I'm not strong enough to manage myself. this doesn't mean that I'm not mentally or emotionally capable of managing myself. because I am still managing myself. I just need to take medication to do that, and by going to a therapist, I can learn even more about managing my anxiety, which will only help me later in life.

and the fact that I'm doing all this at age 19 is actually pretty incredible. I am so grateful that I am learning this now instead of waiting until later in life when I'm even more stressed out.

so, if you read the whole thing, congrats. I'm sorry, this was long. and yes, my ADHD meds wore off and I started rambling and getting off-topic, but expect nothing less.

but, if you are feeling anxious enough that you don't think you can control it, GET HELP.

if you are feeling depressed enough that you don't think you can motivate yourself on your own every day, GET HELP.

if you are CONSISTENTLY (I said consistently) having trouble focusing and getting anything done, making stupid impulsive decisions, and/or are not able to sit still during class and need to take a break and run around the building every day, GET HELP.

there is NOTHING embarrassing about it. it's a good thing. it means that you are taking care of yourself.

I am definitely not perfect, nor will I ever be. I will always have ADHD, GAD, and SAD. and it is hard to accept, but it is definitely manageable. and holy crap, I am grateful for medication. I am grateful for doctors. I am grateful for Vitamin D. I am grateful for therapists. I am grateful that I have all these resources to help me TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

(also, go read this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

LOVE YOU ALL.

the day I would've auditioned.

today I had to wake up earlier than usual on a Saturday. I had to watch a movie for my history class that morning, so I woke up, showered, got dressed, ate a protein bar, and walked from my apartment to the Joseph F. Smith Building, the building in which I will be spending most of my remaining semesters of college in. it is the headquarters of the College of Family, Home and Social Sciences. I enjoyed the movie. It was about Sir Thomas More who refused to annul King Henry VIII's first marriage and said the King could not be the head of the church. after the movie, I walked back to my apartment. but as I walked past the HFAC, the building where all the music, dance, theater, and other fine arts majors live in, I noticed a lot of young looking people were walking in and out. many of them were with their families, and a lot of them looked terrified.

I then remembered that it was the last Saturday in January.

the day when all School of Music applicants who passed the pre-screening round get to perform their full audition in front of judges. this day determines the future of music majors, and it is a scary one.

and then I thought, "this could have been me today."

this is my second year in a row avoiding the fateful "last Saturday of January". I have applied to the BYU school of music 2 years in a row, for 2 different programs, and I got rejected the first round both times. meaning they looked at my application, watched my prescreening video (piano performance) and listened to my portfolio (commercial music/production), and weren't impressed enough to let me advance to the live audition round. it's the fate that most BYU School of Music applicants face the first time. and to be honest, I expected it both times. and to be honest, I was pretty relieved when I got the email saying that "unfortunately, we were not able to accept you into any of our programs this time. Please consider reapplying again in the future."

the first time, I cried a bit. not because I wanted to get into the piano performance program and that it broke my heart, but because I spent all my free time practicing the piano, getting wrist tension, practicing even more because "1-2 hours a day isn't going to cut it when you're a music major, you will need to find time for at least 4 hours a day", wanting to be done because I felt like I was doing a good job, but "not good enough to make the performance program at BYU, where people really spend all their free time practicing at least 4 hours a day already". and I had really started to hate the piano. but it was too late to hate the piano. I had decided at the beginning of high school that I wanted to be a music major, and I couldn't just stop the application process. but I was sad because I wish I had realized sooner that I just wasn't cut out to be a performance major. my ADHD and well-roundedness would not allow me to sit in a cramped practice room for 4+ hours every day AND do homework in my free time AND have friends. my fingers and wrists are a lot smaller than the average piano performance major, and going too fast can lead to tendinitis. but the problem was, I had played piano for so long that I didn't know what else I would major in. I didn't like anything else enough to devote my entire college experience to it. so I cried for about 2 minutes, not because of disappointment, but because of regret. all those hours I spent practicing for an audition that I didn't even want to do could've been spent doing what regular high school seniors were doing, like going to football and basketball games, hanging out with friends, and figuring out what else I like to do besides play piano and play tennis (and you can't major in recreational tennis).

then, I heard about the commercial music and production program, and I was excited about it. this program sounded a lot more relaxed than the piano performance program. in fact, as far as I knew, I would only have to play piano for my audition to prove that I was accomplished at a musical instrument. I would be learning how to produce music, write songs, be a sound engineer, and maybe produce something halfway as iconic as Bohemian Rhapsody. (that song was part of the reason I chose that major.) I met once a week with my mom's friend, Becky, to learn how to produce music. and that part was awesome. Becky is awesome. Becky knows her crap. she knows about all kinds of music, and I'm pretty sure I listen to music a lot differently now than I did before I started working with her. we worked on recording and producing a portfolio for me. one original song and 2 covers, all different arrangements. that part was fun. but then, I learned more about the program. and it was déjà vu. didn't know I was still expected to practice piano at least 20 hours a week in order to get into (and stay in) the program. and I was taking piano lessons my first semester, and I only had time to practice 3 hours a week, tops. AND they reject most of the people who apply. and I was only learning how to produce music. the people who were getting accepted were those who had been working on it for YEARS. those who had been playing with GarageBand since 4th grade. not a girl who literally learned how to synthesize with a MIDI keyboard 3 months ago. and I wished that I had started it a lot earlier. but this was something I was excited to learn about. but I hadn't learned enough. and then I realized that most music majors don't graduate in 4 years. it takes about 5-6, even without serving a mission. and I didn't want to be in college for 6 years, taking 1 credit classes that I probably wouldn't even enjoy, and practicing piano 20 hours a week.

about halfway through my first semester at BYU, I had a "major crisis". I just didn't know if being a music major was very realistic, but I didn't know what else I would do. I had already put in so much work, and I couldn't let it go to waste. I still had to apply. but what would I do if I got in? didn't get in? and how would I explain this to people? I tried to talk about my frustration with my friends and family, but a lot of people said, "well, you're so musically talented, I don't know how they wouldn't accept you." thank you, but THIS DOES NOT HELP. then I would have to explain just how competitive the BYU school of music actually is, and believe it or not, there are 14 people who are more talented than me. 14 more people who work harder than I do. this isn't saying I don't work hard- I do. but just not music major level hard.
"but if you love something so much, why can't you make it your whole life?" because I wasn't sure if I even loved music that much. in fact, there were points when I didn't think I loved music at all.
"but you can always try out again! third time's the charm, right?"
not for someone who wants to GRADUATE IN A TIMELY MANNER.
"but most freshmen don't even have a major picked out!" I AM NOT MOST FRESHMEN. I am getting my degree IN FOUR YEARS. and I don't want to spend more money on school than I have to. college is expensive, and even though my parents are helping me out a lot, I don't want to spend more than I have to. especially if I do get into the School of Music, and then realize that I hate being a music major.
and my personal favorite: "well, why didn't you start earlier?" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I wasn't raised in a nazi music family. my parents wanted all of their children to have some piano experience so that they could play the hymns in church. I just happened to be really good at it, so I kept taking lessons all through high school, and I loved playing classical music. but it wasn't my life. I also played tennis, and during tennis season, I probably spent at least twice as much time playing tennis as I did practicing. and no, I definitely wasn't good enough to play in college, but it was a hobby that I loved. it distracted me from piano and school and real life. it felt good to run around and hit things. just typing this makes me nostalgic. but I was one of those people who was good at everything but the best at nothing. I just had too many hobbies and interests.

and I realized, to be a music major, you have to be good at music AND ONLY MUSIC (ok, that's not completely true, but you have to be 110% devoted). you have to live, breathe, and sleep piano/music production. and there's no rule for this, but it is highly preferable that you don't have ADHD.
whoops.
back to my first semester of college. I was pretty upset. why did I have to go through the School of Music application twice? let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more inadequate than that application. and they still saved my letters of recommendation for piano performance. I thought I would be able to redeem myself, but nope. much like the piano performance application process, I felt very unsettled, and I prayed to know what to do, but I still felt unsettled. but this time, I was even more angry. when I first decided I wanted to do commercial music, I felt GOOD about it. I felt HAPPY. but now, I am feeling unsettled again. why do I have to go through this twice? it sucked enough the first time. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I had other alternatives, but none of them felt right, and I still had to turn in the application. and that was just weird, because I hoped they would like it, and I tried my best, but I knew that there was a 99% chance I wouldn't get in. I wasn't being pessimistic, I was being realistic. the school of music audition process is grueling. even people who get accepted would agree with me. and if not, then your life isn't hard enough.

I was having a really tough time overall during that semester. all my friends were either on missions, in high school, or turning in their mission papers. sure, I had other friends, but...in college, everyone is busy, and they make new friends, and I was supposed to make new friends, but it was HARD. I am the only girl in my family, and living with 5 other girls is just about as different from living with 2 brothers +20 of their friends can get (plus, I didn't know any of my roommates prior to moving in, and they were all pretty quiet and reserved). I failed my first midterm exam, and I couldn't remember failing any test that wasn't in geometry or pre-calculus. to sum it all up, one of my dear teammates, Annie, wrote me this from her mission:
"I'm not gonna lie to you, my fall semester was hard and I had a little bit of an identity crisis. I guess I had just hung out with the same group of people my whole life and then I was thrown into a mass of friends who didn't know me and I kinda forgot who I was. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Remember how awesome and cute and involved you were in high school? Be like that in college. I was that stupid freshman in college who walked around with her headphones in and was too nervous to look around and be friends with people. don't be like me. Be fun, crazy, exciting, smart charismatic Merm and love every second of college." 
sorry, Annie, but that happened to me. I had an identity crisis. but then I figured that it was a normal thing. I realized that most people I talked to were either undeclared, or they were "PRE-nursing", "PRE-management", "PRE-music", etc. I was surprised that it was a normal thing for a freshman to be unconfident about their major. I have anxiety and one of the things that scares me the most is uncertainty. I couldn't be that "undeclared" major. I had to know what I was doing ALL THE TIME. but I wasn't. and I was scared. 

but somewhere in that first semester, I thought about other things I liked to do. I thought about my strengths and weaknesses. I am an extrovert. I would rather be around people all day than in a recording studio or a practice room. I am strong-willed, and I don't like being told what to do all the time (and to be in the music industry, you have to kiss up to a lot of people). I taught piano in high school, and I loved helping those students learn how to play. I was pretty firm with them and didn't tolerate their "I was too busy playing video games" excuses. my favorite classes in high school were not the music classes I took, but history, geography, and psychology. I TAed for an AP world history class my junior year in high school, and I loved helping the students, grading their papers, and I might've been a bit too blunt with them, but I realized how much I loved history.
and I decided that I would make a freaking good teacher.
I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that if I didn't get accepted into the school of music, I could change my major to history teaching. I told my friends about my plans, and they were all very supportive and told me that I would make a freaking good teacher. I told my favorite teacher from high school, my AP world history one, and she got so excited that I would be doing the same thing. and for the first time in college, I felt confident in myself and my future.

the first Tuesday of January 2017, I got my rejection email from the school of music.
I read it, yelled out "HELL YEAH! I AM FREE!" and submitted a request to change my major.

I am currently a social science teaching pre-major at BYU. this means I can teach geography, economics, maybe government (not sure), psychology, and HISTORY. next semester, I will get fingerprinted and background checked and do a teaching observation class, and then I will OFFICIALLY be a teaching major. I get to take classes like anthropology, abnormal psychology, economics, United States history, ancient civilizations, and all these other classes that I wouldn't have had time for had I been a music major. I am a lot happier than I have been since I started college. I have learned that it's ok if I don't know what I'm doing all the time, and that IT IS NORMAL to go through an identity crisis. it is all part of growing up. and boy, is it tough, but it's good for you. even though I initially felt regret after applying to be a music major, it has taught me so much. it taught me that it's okay to change your mind, and that in the moment, I won't always know what's best for me. I have to rely on faith in the gospel that everything will work out, even if it isn't in the way I expect it to. and not only do I have a greater appreciation for music majors and all the hard work they do, I have a huge appreciation for teachers as well. and believe me, I wouldn't have learned any of it had I gone into college as a declared teaching major.

and most of all, I am so grateful that I wasn't one of those petrified girls walking in and out of the HFAC on audition today, and that I was watching A Man for All Seasons instead.

to be quite honest, college is scary.

to be completely honest, I have no problem with being completely honest. one of my favorite teachers wrote in one of my yearbooks, "you are honest to a fault". when asking for opinions, many of my friends come to me because they know that even though it may not be what they want to hear, I'm giving them the straight-up truth. I have no problem with sharing my opinions, I'm pretty open about my feelings, and I don't pretend to enjoy things that I don't. for example, I was talking with one of my roommates last night about musical preferences, and she said, "I love Taylor Swift." instead of giving the hesitant "yeah....me too!", I straight up said, "that's cool. I don't." I know, it probably isn't the best way to make friends with your roommate who you only met an hour ago, but that's just the way I am. Of course, I don't like to offend people with my honesty, nor do I ever mean to, but for me, it's easier to just directly say "I don't like Taylor Swift" instead of indirectly say that she's not my favorite, because some people interpret that as, "it's not her favorite, but she never said she doesn't like it, so she doesn't care if we listen to Taylor Swift together."

why is this even relevant to anything I'm talking about? well, I'm just trying to prove a point that everything I put on here isn't anything far from the truth.

I have always been pretty self-confident. maybe a little too self-confident at times, which I have learned from. but it's just not in my nature to pretend to be unconfident, because while I don't really care for Demi Lovato's music, she said it: "what's wrong with being confident?" I may come off as cocky to some people, but when people would ask "are you ready for (tennis match/ concert/ test/ recital/ other important event)?", I wasn't going to say, "no, I'm gonna mess up so bad and I suck at everything and I'm not ready!" because if I say that, I might start to believe myself. even though it's looked at as more "humble" to act nervous, I'd rather be honest than humble.

that being said, when I say I am completely nervous and NOT READY for college to start, then that means that I am actually telling the truth instead of trying to be humble. because as much as I would like to be confident about starting school and all these changes, I am not. 

first off, I have ADHD and even though I got a good ACT score and did pretty well in my AP classes in high school, COLLEGE IS DIFFERENT. I have to change my study habits and not wing things and hope for the best and not get distracted and actually learn how to focus because I am determined not to fail my first semester. so even though I was clutch in high school, I have to learn how to be clutch in college. and if I want to graduate in 4 years, then I HAVE TO BE CLUTCH. but I'm pretty sure that almost every college student is a bit scared for this part, so good to know I'm not alone. now for the less obvious, more personal concerns I have.

I'm the oldest of 3 children. I'm the only girl, and I have 2 younger brothers. (if you didn't get it already, I have NO SISTERS.) I've never had to share a room with a sibling in my life, not even when I lived in our one-bedroom apartment in Tokyo. I slept alone in the living room. while I am very outgoing and love being around people, I'm usually the person who drives my own car to meet up with my friends instead of get a ride with them because we've been hanging out all day for 5 hours already. at the end of the day, I like to have some time by myself to relax. I like having some space. the only "sleepovers" I ever did were for school overnight trips. I never had any sisters who were overly sensitive or dramatic, and my brothers and I have been messing with each other since I can remember. and yes, while many of my good friends are female, some of my closest friends are guys. so you place a girl with only brothers who has never shared a room in her life in a 3-bedroom apartment on campus with 5 OTHER GIRLS WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET, ALL of whom have sisters, and one of those girls is in MY BEDROOM, you get a girl who is a bucket of stress. a girl who has never had to deal with that much estrogen, except for the girls tennis team. and we were PLAYING TENNIS, not living together! you get a girl who breaks down and calls her mom every day, even though my house is literally 5 minutes away from my apartment. you get a girl who is worried about offending people with her opinions, her loud music (that is different than what my roommates prefer), or her personality. the 5 days that I've lived on campus have been some of the hardest, scariest days of my life. I locked myself out of my apartment 3 times on my first day, and while I survived, I'm absolutely terrified of leaving my keys anywhere. it's a whole new experience.

I've never really been one to conform for the sake of conformity. I've always listened to my own music, not what is on the Top 40 radio. my favorite movie is Anchorman, and I'm guessing that less than 20% of BYU students have even seen that movie. I've never seen a church movie, I didn't vote for David Archuleta on American Idol (I voted for David Cook and therefore contributed to Archuleta's loss. and how hypocritical of me, a Mormon living in Utah to not support another Mormon living in Utah!), I do my homework on Sundays, I have never fasted for 24 hours, I never went to EFY, I don't play Pokemon Go, I don't use the puppy filter on snapchat, and I don't own a maxi skirt. I've always dressed in my own style, which for me includes shorter shorts and shorter dresses. not so short that a church leader would call me out for it, but too short to wear to BYU, which the requirement is knee-length. I run around in a tennis skirt and a tank top most of the time because I don't feel like changing after playing. and you guessed it- tank tops are only allowed in designated areas of BYU campus, and they are definitely not the "preferred" choice of exercise clothing. so following the BYU dress code is definitely going to require some conformity. I actually went to Called to Surf for the first time in my life and I bought 3 long dresses there, and I wore one to a farewell, and for the first time in my life, I saw a friend wearing my same dress. then at work, I saw at least 10 EFY girls and BYU students wearing my same dress. and I feel like I'm losing my personal identity, because in a way, I'm being forced to dress like everyone else. and I don't like that. I tried venting about this to someone, but all they said was, "you signed the Honor Code, so you can't complain." and I know I signed the Honor Code, but NOT EVERYONE WHO GOES TO BYU AUTOMATICALLY IS GOING TO BE EXCITED ABOUT WEARING LONGER DRESSES AND PANTS IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. it's going to be a really hard adjustment for me, and I'm not going to pretend to be excited about it. I'm just going to have to suck it up. and does that make me any less nervous? NO.

as earlier stated, the Mormon culture is really strong over here. I love the gospel of the LDS church, I have a testimony, and I really do try to live it as best as I can. but I've never had the desire to serve a mission, and I don't feel like that's what Heavenly Father desires for me either. which of course should be fine because girls are not required to go on missions. but there is still a lot of pressure, especially in Provo and especially at BYU, to go on a mission. I'm worried that people won't accept me because I'm not going on a mission like they are/did. I've already gotten negative reactions from people when they find out that I'm not going. I am confident in my decision, and I have many people who are supportive, but it's not very fun to get criticized for a very personal decision that I have made. and this is coming from a girl who doesn't even care what people think of her 90% of the time! I know that there are many other girls at BYU who are in my same boat, but as of right now, they are a lot harder to find than the girls who are excited about serving a mission.

with all that being said, I didn't choose to go to BYU for the dress code (which is only a part of the Honor Code). I didn't choose to go to BYU because at least half the student population is serving a mission. I didn't choose to go to BYU to be around people who don't dress like skanky hoes (remember how I said I am a very blunt person?). I chose to go to BYU because...I've always wanted to go. both of my parents went there, and my dad loved it so much he came back to work as a chemistry professor! (I also came because I get half tuition because of my dad and it's a lot cheaper than anywhere else.) I chose to go to BYU because it has many amazing programs that have great reputations. I chose to go to BYU because I had to work hard to get the grades and the ACT score to get in, and I earned it. I chose to go to BYU because I have always loved going to football and basketball games with my family. I chose to go to BYU because of the high standards (no alcohol, no drugs, no football games on Sundays). I chose to go to BYU because people from all over the world come here to get an education, and I will make many friends from different places. so even though there are many things that I am absolutely terrified for when I start my classes on Monday, I am confident that I made the right decision on where to go to college.

when good things happen to you, but bad things happen to your friends

rejection is possibly the worst feeling that anyone has ever experienced. there is no other way to put it. we have all deal with it at some point in our life, and if you haven't, then you better watch out. because IT WILL SUCK. my life in high school has been full of great achievements, but it has also been filled with rejection. for a while, I felt like nothing good would ever happen to me after getting rejected from every program. every time. I was a junior in high school, and I had failed to make acappella choir (and all my friends did), I didn't get asked to Homecoming (and all my friends did), and perhaps the worst of all: I didn't even make JV tennis.

so, to get a more clear picture: I played both singles and doubles my sophomore year. it was my first year (I was living in Tokyo for part of my freshman year and missed tennis season), and pretty much, I was happy with whatever spot I could get. I was just grateful to play. but I really liked playing singles, and I made it my goal to make the JV team the next year and have a stable position. so, I practiced at least 2 hours every single day, playing in several matches and practicing with my mom and I even got a new coach, who was absolutely excellent. I worked on my serve, my groundstrokes, my net play, my footwork, everything. but when I showed up for tryouts, there were a bunch of new freshmen, and they were GOOD. but I still thought I could play, like, 3rd JV singles?
but after 2 days of playing matches, Coach all called us to the courts and read a list of Varsity players, and as expected, I didn't make it. then, she proceeded to read JV. I sat there, hoping the next name she called would be mine, but name after name, I began to question if I could make 3rd singles or even play doubles.
finally, Coach said: "and that's our JV team. the rest of you are our alternates. you will play in matches, depending on the size of the other team. but don't expect to be played very often."
so, what else do you do when all your friends are standing in a group, celebrating that they made Varsity and JV?
so you go and stand on your own,
and you leave all alone,
and you go home,
and you cry and you want to die

(side note: listening to The Smiths or Morrissey after getting rejected can either make you feel a lot better, or it will just make you cry even more).
so that's what happened to me. and it was really hard. and while I hated hearing, "oh, your time will come", it did. my senior year, I played as 3rd JV singles and played in every match and won around 90% of my matches. I had never felt better in my life.

but what if you were the one who did make the tennis team and you are celebrating your accomplishments (as you should be doing), but your moment of happiness is interrupted, and it was your friend who's name didn't get called, so she goes and stands on her own, and she leaves all alone, and she goes home, and she cries and she wants (hopefully not) to die? what do you do then? I mean, you know you deserved it, but you want to be a good friend.

so, without further ado, here is my guide to
when good things happen to you, but bad things happen to your friends: aka helping other people deal with rejection
(based on true experiences, experienced by me)

so, let's consider the following scenario. you are a senior in high school with nagging parents who threaten to disown you if you don't get into the best college in the state. it doesn't matter if your dad is a professor at this university or not; you have to try hard. and to get into this university, an ACT score higher than a.....(cough cough) 24 is recommended. (but there are always exceptions.) but you have ADHD and can't sit still for the life of you and you go in to take the test, and you studied and studied but it's the math section and ALL OF A SUDDEN, everything you ever remember learning about math just isn't there, and no matter how hard you search your brain, it cannot be extracted, and FINALLY you remember something and the--
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, 
No escape from reality. 
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see
I'M JUST A POOR BOY, I NEED NO SYMPATHY
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, (other side of brain) little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me
To me.
*(enter Freddie Mercury's first piano solo)*

and basically, the next 2.5 sections of the ACT are totally BSed because, well....your brain has shut off and basically the entire Queen Greatest Hits album is playing in your brain, among other ADHD cacophony. ANYWAYS......you are under pressure (there will be more Queen references, just to warn you) to get into this school and you have to take the ACT again because your nagging strict professor dad didn't like your first score, and Heaven forbid that you have a full schedule......with 4 YEARS OF MATH....as a SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL?! and in order to keep your grades up, you don't skip class with all your friends while they go get food and are having a good time without you. as a result, people stop asking you to hang out because you are "too boring" and "take senior year too seriously". but it will all pay off. because in a few months, an email comes from your Dream College and guess what it says?
YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then you go upstairs to tell your parents, and your 13 year old brother starts belting out "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE are the champions, my friends!" before you can even get one word to your parents. and once you do, they are very proud of you and everyone breaks out singing We Are The Champions. so then you celebrate. because YOU KNOW how hard you worked to get into this school. YOU KNOW the hours spent doing ACT prep, going to class while your friends skip and be punks, taking a math class instead of having a few free periods, and having to deal with ADHD and nagging parents at the same time. your friends text you, asking if you got in, and you say "YES" and then they reply "ME TOO!" and you all celebrate together because you all worked really hard to get to this point.

naturally, as any excited person who just got accepted to their dream college would, you then start texting your friends, assuming they will all celebrate with you. but then, one of your friends replies with a "No, I didn't get accepted. I don't understand....but congrats!" or even worse, this happens in person. because I (whoops, now I just blew it and now you know for sure this is a story about me, but you were probably smart and figured it out) am old-fashioned and still talk to people face to face.

oof. well, what do you do now? that's a tricky one.

1. give them a hug, and say "I'm so sorry." that's all you have to say. really, it is. being someone who has dealt with rejection, they probably don't want to hear anything else. if you want to be extra nice, maybe say, "I really wish both of us had gotten in", but it is a huge risk, because your friend might be extra sensitive and interpret it as "I got in, you didn't, and I really wish that both of us could get in, but I'm just reminding you that I'm better than you and I didn't." so you gotta be careful when you use that one.

2. do NOT say "I wish it was you and not me." unless your friend is a heartless wench, this doesn't make anyone feel better. it makes them feel worse. because 1. they probably realize how hard you worked and would want you to be happy, and 2. it's just awkward. just don't say that.

3. never, NEVER say "well, maybe something better will happen", "the Lord probably had a reason behind it", or "it's all part of the plan." this is the worst thing anyone could ever say. people would say that to me, and it would confuse me. if the Lord really loved me, then why would He make bad things happen to me? and what is this freaking "plan" you speak of? and for goodness sake, you have just been rejected. HOW CAN SOMETHING BETTER HAPPEN? and while many times, good times are ahead, your friend just isn't ready to hear that. instead of telling them that, let them experience their life so they can realize it themselves. which leads me to

4. if they want to vent, let them vent. be there to listen to them cry, scream, yell, swear, complain, everything. just be there. if you are ready, vent with them. and always reassure them of their great qualities. if they say something like, "but if you really think I am so smart/talented/pretty, then why didn't I get in?" just say, "I don't know. I'm so sorry. but you are amazing!" and give them more reassurances of their amazingness.

5. if they don't want to talk about it, then don't talk about it. give them their space. it isn't your job to keep them happy 1hunnit percent of the time if they don't want you to! if they want to talk but aren't ready to talk about getting rejected, then talk about other things. keep them distracted. when they are ready to talk, proceed to number 4.

6. never, never, feel guilty. you know how hard you worked, and your hard work paid off. just because the same thing didn't happen to your friend, does not mean that you need to feel guilty that it was you and not them. you should be happy for yourself! you are amazing, and don't you ever forget that! sure, it's okay to feel sorry for them. but you don't need to feel bad for yourself as well. of course, you need to have empathy. it makes you seem more genuine, and they will probably feel better. but being empathetic does not mean feeling guilty that you did something good!

7. EAT FOOD WITH THEM. because sometimes, you just need to eat your feelings.

so, I hope that can not only help you feel better if you get rejected, but also know what to do when that happens to one of your friends, siblings, or acquaintances. and if that was a lot to take in, just think, what would I want my friends to do if it was me who got rejected? I hope that will help you know what to say so that you can be a good, comforting friend. I wish all of you luck, and hope that good things will happen to you and your friends!

from class clowns to classy homecoming couple 2k15

I only update this thing after tennis tournaments and dates, right? well, there's still a tennis tournament I have to talk about, but the date was more important. last night, I went to my first AND last homecoming, and it was definitely a night for the books!

the last 2 girls choice dances I went to, I asked tennis players, and with both boys I wrote my name in tennis balls, because what does a tennis player love more than getting free tennis balls? not very many things, let me tell you. well, I guess Matt had the same idea as I do when asking tennis players, and when the doorbell rang and I found the sign and 3 cans of tennis balls on my porch, to say I was stoked was an understatement. not only was I going to homecoming, but I got 3 free cans of tennis balls! I figured since he gave me free tennis balls, I would need to figure out something just as great, if not greater, to answer him with. Matt is a golfer, and no one in the Castle family can even hold a golf club. So I needed to google "where to buy golf balls", actually ended up taking some from one of my golfer friends, and this is what I came up with. (also, Matt can spell my name right, and so can I! one of my great friends nicknamed me Merm, and once he started calling me that, it spread.)

well, I was pretty stoked for this date, to say the least. Matt and I have been friends since kindergarten. in first grade, our teacher had to call both our parents on the first day of school because we were "too disruptive". both of us had to turn our cards from green to yellow almost daily, and we even got on red a few times. neither of us were bad kids; I was just sassy, and Matt always wanted to have a good time. I knew this date would be nothing but good times. I was also really excited about our group. I've known most of the people since elementary school, so we pretty much all grew up together, and the ones who didn't go to elementary school with me, I've been friends with since either junior high or the beginning of high school. I knew everyone in my group, and it was just so much fun for all of us to get together and be in the same homecoming group! it was one of my favorite parts of the date.

at 11:30 on Saturday morning, the doorbell rings, and it's our neighbor from across the street. I thought it was Matt, so it was a bit of a let-down, but then our neighbor turns around and says, "who is driving that sweet Mustang?" and LO AND BEHOLD, it is my date. in a 1966 convertible Mustang. doesn't even go above 55 mph. a true classic. and I love old cars. sometimes, my (dad's) 2004 Hyundai Elantra just doesn't seem old enough for me. (except I did hit the range gate the night before trying to find a parking space at the Homecoming game, some guy told me "you can't park on the drivers range, there's no room, you need to back up" except he didn't tell me to move my car first, so I scraped my whole left side on the orange gate, so now my red Hyundai Elantra is sporting an orange paint scrape. so I guess it looks kinda old?) and it was SO MUCH FUN to sit shotgun in that car. it was a real treat.

our day date was playing soccer golf at East Bay Golf Course. soccer golf is just what it sounds like- soccer with the rules of golf. you're on a golf course, but instead of hitting a golf ball with a club, you have to kick a soccer ball into a hole with the least kicks. I lost track of my score after hole #3, but I probably lost or came really close to it. I played soccer in elementary school, but I was never very good at it, and my kicks never went very far. this proved to be true in soccer golf. once my kick went about 10 feet and everyone cheered for me. it was a great accomplishment. but it was so fun watching all the boys drop kick their balls and to laugh at myself. afterwards, we went to Sodalicious, which I have never been to until that day. I have always gone to Swig because it's closer, and a dirty diet coke is just a dirty diet coke. anywhere I can get one, I'm satisfied. but this one was an amazing dirty diet coke, and Sodalicious should be seeing me come back soon!

at 5:45 pm, Matt and his classy mustang returned to my house. and of course, my mom wanted to take 5,000 pictures of the car. then, we went to Matt's and his dad took loads of pictures as well, and then, all our group met to take real pictures.

the car

me, Matt, Noah, and Gillian

 couples: Fielding and Becca, Gavin and Meg, Gabe and Hailey H, Brady and Lindsey, Colson and Brianna, Alex and Kelsey, Matt and me, Seth and Hailey F, Brad and Cami, Noah and Gillian

 Hailey F, Rebecca, Megan, Hailey H, Lindsey, Brianna, Kelsey, me, Cami, and Gill

for dinner, we went to Sakura, a Japanese Tepanyaki grill. there was a griddle thing right at our table, so we got to watch the people cook our food for us. it was really exciting. the soup, the salad, and the fried vegetables reminded me of my time in Tokyo and eating at nice restaurants there. the fried rice was really good, and my steak was done a bit too well for my preference, but it was still pretty good. (I was the only girl who ordered steak. everyone else ordered chicken. I don't understand how girls don't like steak, but it's their loss, not mine.) the BYU football game was on that night, so every 5 seconds, the boys would check their phones: "they scored!" "TANNER MANGUM!" "yesssssss go Cougars!" after we ate, we went to Timpview for the dance. it was my first time going to a dance in the commons. every school dance I've been to has been anywhere except the commons, which is where most of the dances are held. the decorations were so cute, and it was so fun to see everyone! and slow dancing was super fun. Matt and I would not only sing the songs in our worst off-key voices, but we would also spin into other couples and whisper "KISS!" it was so funny. I know we are seniors and we aren't supposed to be immature, but like I said earlier, we have been punks since kindergarten, and I guess none of that has changed!

about an hour into the dance, Colson tells all the guys in the group that it's halftime and that we have to go, but then another slow dance comes on, so we have to wait. in the middle of the next song, all the guys in our group start chanting "BYU! BYU! BYU! BYU!" and then all the other guys at the dance joined in. it was pretty funny.

after we left, we drove to our good friend Josh's house (who hosted our Prom dinner ) to watch the BYU football game. our friend Zane also had an old vintage car, and both Matt and Zane honked at each other the whole way to prove that their horn was better, and that was really funny. watching the game was probably my favorite part of the date. we ate really good popcorn and ice cream, and it was a really exciting game to watch. Cougars took the lead until the 4th quarter, when UCLA scored a touchdown, and Tanner Mangum was in just the right spot for another Hail Mary, but instead, he threw an interception, and the Cougars lost, 23-24. but despite the loss, it was an exciting, close game, and it was funny to hear all the boys reactions: "no, you can't sit in my spot, it's bad karma!" "if the Cougars win, then 10,000 people will get baptized this week!" "no one even breathe in the last minute." "If Taysom Hill was in, then that would've been a touchdown!" "NO, that would've been a broken femur!" so many good times.

well, even though the Cougars lost, my date was a real winner! can't believe we are all seniors this year, and it was super fun being in a group with all my best friends from elementary school. we definitely grew up nicely!

(except Matt and I are still punks. but more mature, nice punks.)