"teacher, it's NOT a phase!"

IMAGINE THIS:

you are in second grade. you aren't even 8 years old yet. you are sitting at your desk, cutting each INDIVIDUAL LETTER of your spelling words out and gluing them to a piece of paper. sounds fun, right? this should be easy. I mean, these are easy spelling words, and there are only 5 of them. these aren't the crazy hard "advanced bonus spelling words" that your teacher makes you do because you're so smart. and since we are, you know, in second grade, we should be able to cut and glue the letters down without a problem, right?
except for whatever reason, you can spell the word "Fahrenheit" but you just CAN'T CUT OUT THE LETTERS OF THE WORD "cousin" AND GLUE C-O-U-S-I-N ON A PIECE OF PAPER. it exhausts your brain. but, since you are so smart, you are supposed to be done by now. this is embarrassing. how do you get out of this?
well, you already went to the bathroom an hour ago. but maybe, maybe you need to go again.
"Teacher, I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
"didn't you just go an hour ago?"
"I HAVE TO GO AGAIN! I have a really small bladder!"
".....okay. please hurry back. and PLEASE do not go again today."
you run outside the classroom. you run into the bathroom. the teacher was right. you didn't even need to go. but hey, you aren't cutting and pasting. then, somehow, you end up running a lap around the whole school. you come back in the classroom.
you try and cut and glue letters again, but UH-OH. you're stumped.
you just cut your whole paper to pieces and throw it away.
and for the 12th time, your teacher says, "I just don't understand how you are reading at a 4th grade level, but you just can't do this simple task."

fast-forward 12 years. you are in college. you like college because you are able to pick your own classes (for the most part) and what time you have them (for the most part). you are studying something that you actually enjoy, and you aren't cutting or gluing anything.
except, the one class you have to take to start your major classes is 4 hours long. every day.
and you can't miss anything, because it is all important information.
so you try and sit still and be mature and focused, but after 30 minutes in, you start to get restless.
1 hour: you are squirming and fidgeting in your seat, resembling the one 9th grade boy that your fellow teaching majors like to make fun of as being the "bad" kid.
2 hours: the teacher asks the class if they need a break. everyone gets a drink, runs to the bathroom. this, for you, is the best part of the class.
but shouldn't you be enjoying this? after all, this is the class you have to take to get into your major.
2.5 hours: you are ready for another break. nope. your teacher starts another powerpoint about the methods of teaching high school. THIS. IS. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. FUN!
3 hours: teacher asks if we need a break. then she answers her own question and says, "no, we don't have time."
3 hours 15 minutes: OH NO. you start kicking your desk.
3 hours 20 minutes: are you, an almost-20-year-old, throwing your pencil on the ground and picking it up again...on PURPOSE?
3 hours 25 minutes: you start talking to the person next to you. BUT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT CLASS DISCIPLINE, RIGHT?!
3.5 hours: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHSDFOIUSFDJLFSDJ:DFJLKFD J:
4 hours: your brain is fried. never mind the fact that you have 2 other classes. you are DONE. you will never graduate college. you will never become a teacher. you can't even sit still for 30 minutes.


and that, my friends, is how attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder works.
it's not "just a phase".
it's not an excuse for bad parenting.
it's not something you can, you know, outgrow.
and yes, it can still affect you as an adult.
but, I mean, besides the inability to sit still for long periods of time and pay attention, you are filled with high amounts of energy, so it doesn't completely suck.
and, as a teacher, it will help me better relate to my students.
I will never make them do tedious work, like cutting and gluing things all day.
so yes, I am very grateful for my ADHD.

let the extroverts be extroverts

for the longest time, I never understood how it was so hard for some people to just take initiative and start a conversation. sure, it wasn't the easiest thing for me, either, but I felt comfortable enough doing it that I felt like people expected me to do it 100% of the time.

I never understood why certain people never contributed anything to group discussions. I remember asking one of my friends why she wasn't sharing her opinion in a group meeting that she had shared with me in private. she said, "oh, because I don't like sharing. I figured you would do it."

I never understood why some people would rather just stay at home and watch TV instead of go to a football game.

and most of all, I never understood how hard it was for me to keep quiet. to not share my opinion. to stay under the radar. to blend in. 

and to be honest, it is still a hard concept for me to grasp. but what is even harder for me to understand is that some people think that because I am comfortable initiating conversations and leading discussions, that I am completely fine with doing it all the time. that I could care less what they think.

and that is not true at all.

I have seen many posts going around social media about how being an introvert among extroverts is exhausting and how introverts need to be understood more. and believe it or not, I can say the same thing about extroverts. and since you introverts are so good at listening to other people, I have something to say:

IF YOU WANT EXTROVERTS TO UNDERSTAND YOU, IT DOESN'T WORK UNLESS YOU PUT FORTH AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND THEM, TOO!

this doesn't mean that I think that the solution is for everyone to become less or more introverted/extroverted than we already are and be at a happy medium. I'm saying that we need both introverts and extroverts in this world. each has strengths and weaknesses that are crucial in working together. but I personally feel like there are several misconceptions about extroverts that need to be addressed. so without further ado...

common misconceptions about extroverts: by me, your favorite extrovert.

I have taken a few different forms of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I had to take a written version for my AP psychology class in high school, and I got ESTJ (extroverted-sensing-thinking-judging). when I started college, I wanted to see if I had changed since high school (because many people talk about how their personality changes every time they take the test), and I was still an ESTJ. finished my freshman year, still ESTJ. what's interesting is that all 4 of my letters are usually around or above 70%, which means my personality is pretty set. ok, last time I took it I was 69% judging, but that's the closest I've ever gotten to any other letter. and what's even more interesting is that my level of extroversion is always around 90% or higher. but I am a human being. in addition to being highly extroverted, I also have ADHD and sometimes, I can get over-stimulated and I need a little break from people. I need to sit down for maybe 5 minutes and go through everything I have to do, and then I can go back to being social again. but no matter how extroverted someone appears to be, at the end of the day, even we need our own down time. I just need less of it than you do. and when I have too much down time, I get restless.

I am the oldest in my family. I have 2 younger brothers and no sisters. I never shared a room growing up. because of this, I grew accustomed to having some privacy. but for me, that meant studying with my music on, reading out loud to myself, inviting a friend in my room to quiz me on terms that I needed to memorize for a test, taking a 10 minute power-nap, etc. when I wake up, I have to turn on loud music to get me motivated to get out the door. and sometimes, I really do need time to decompress, like I said in the last paragraph. so I do understand the value of personal space. however, I hate being completely ignored. my freshman year of college I moved into an apartment with 5 girls (remember, I only have brothers so living with the female gender for me is like living on a different planet) that I had never met. being the outgoing person that I am, I thought that at least one of them would click with me. guess what. none of them did. I was an extrovert living in an apartment full of introverts. I thought that because I have introverted friends, my roommates would come around sooner or later. and yes, some did, but some never did, even after living with me for 2 whole semesters. sharing a room with an introvert definitely taught me more about the value of personal space. it definitely helped me grow as a person. after we got to know each other, I really ended up liking my roommate a lot. there were also times where I felt like I couldn't be myself in my own apartment. I felt like every time I walked into the room that I shared just to grab my backpack or something, I had popped my roommate's personal bubble. I knew that I didn't have to be best friends with my roommates, but when I tried to get to know them, it felt painful at times. I genuinely was interested in finding out about them, but when I asked them questions, they would either give me one-word answers or not respond at all. I felt like I couldn't even talk without getting glared at for disturbing the peace. but what was extremely difficult was watching them all click with each other but not with me. I was the extrovert here! I am supposed to be the expert at making friends! but I wasn't, and it hurt. 

if you want to make friends, there has to be a mutual understanding. 

there has to be compromise. if I am talking to you and genuinely trying to get to know you, you don't have to tell me your whole life story. but just try and make an effort. if it seems like I am taking over a whole conversation, it is likely because no one else is contributing and I feel awkward. 

I've heard people say that "people who talk a lot like people who listen a lot". yes, this is true. but it has to be a two-way street. I suck at analogies, but here is one: I play tennis. sure, there are ways to practice tennis by yourself, but the whole game is about hitting the ball back and forth over the net. the only way to practice this is either against a wall, or with another person. if only one person is returning the shots while the other one just stands on the other side of the net and observes, nothing is accomplished. if we take turns and focus on keeping the ball in play, both people are able to learn consistency. but if I just go for winners every time and only hit kill shots, preventing my opponent from even touching the ball, then I did everything and they did nothing. and I do not like that. if I'm doing all the talking, I learn nothing about the other person. if I do all the listening, they learn nothing about me. and in the end, no one grows. 

another misconception is that extroverts aren't sincere. I guess the fact that we will talk to anyone and the fact that we tend to have large groups of friends doesn't make us genuine? WRONG. I am a very honest, sincere person. when I give compliments, I mean them. my love language is words of affirmation, meaning that I show my love through verbal support. in turn, it means a lot when people take the time out of their day to say hi, have a conversation with me, or give me a compliment. WE DON'T ALWAYS TALK JUST TO TALK! in fact, let's go back to the basics that I learned in my high school psychology class:

an extrovert is one who gets energy from being around people. keeping all their thoughts and emotions inside is more stressful for them, and they release it by talking or being active. this doesn't mean that they have no concept of personal space, but they feel better when they are being socially active.

an introvert is one who gets energy from being alone. when they are by themselves, they can process their thoughts and emotions easier than they can when they are around other people. they also tend to prefer to express themselves through writing than verbally. this doesn't mean that they hate being around people or that they are too shy to make friends. this just means that they need more down time.

and of course, there are exceptions, but if extroverts truly didn't enjoy talking to people and being around them, THEN WE WOULD ALL BE INTROVERTS. case closed.

I admit, both extroverts and introverts have their weaknesses. yes, I can be pretty loud and energetic and I can see how it can overwhelm people. I am known for being blunt and insensitive. I don't fly under the radar. I like to take charge, but I hate being told what to do. I am very self-confident, but that can be mistaken as arrogance. and I admit, sometimes I can be a bit arrogant. but sometimes I feel like introverts can be a bit arrogant because they pride themselves in being quiet, independent, deep thinkers who don't need friends. and maybe for some people, that's true. but the way to understand people is to give them a chance. I've had many people tell me, "when I first met you, you came off a bit strong and overwhelming. but now that I've gotten to know you, I know that you are genuinely interested in getting to know people, you are confident in yourself and want others to be confident too, and you are a great friend. I'm glad I gave you a chance instead of allowing myself to be scared or intimidated by you." again, GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE.

finally, think about how it makes you feel when someone says, "be more outgoing!" or "don't be afraid to speak up!" or "just go out and make more friends!" 

now, is it any different from "just be less noisy!" or "no one cares, just shut up!" or "you should spend more time studying and less time partying!" or "just try blending in for once!" 

no. it's not.

not all extroverts are scary. not all introverts are socially awkward. if you want to be understood, make sure you are also making an effort to understand those around you. the more we learn about each other, the more we grow.

PS BYU FOOTBALL STARTS ON SATURDAY. if you need me, I'll be at the game. if you're staying home to binge-watch Netflix, I truly hope you have a good time.

"be nice. be good."

It's 2017.
Be nice.
Be good.

— Harry Styles. (@Harry_Styles) January 1, 2017

I know it's a bit late to talk about New Year's resolutions and all that jazz, but this is something I've been working on this year. something I've noticed since I moved out of my family's house and on-campus is that it requires a lot more effort to be nice. In my family, we would talk about our day at the dinner table, because we would try to have family dinner as much as we could. we had to give a report on how we were doing in school, and we would either get lectured or we would get advice. we were also encouraged to talk about what's working in our life and what isn't. because my family was so open at the dinner table, we learned a lot of life lessons. we learned how to treat people the way they want to be treated. (for example, I love being around people and I would be fine if someone invited me to a football game and went to In-N-Out afterward, but other people might not be as social and would like to be left alone, and would appreciate kind words at most.) we learned the nicest way to say things but still get the point across, and if we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say it at all. now, I'm a bit more blunt and straightforward, so I often speak the truth, even if it isn't nice. I've been working on stating my opinions in a nicer way and not hurting other peoples' feelings. but I have learned a lot from these dinner table conversations, and they have helped me be a nicer person.

but I learned that not everyone grew up with consistent family dinners and life lessons at the dinner table. and it was a bit of a surprise to me, especially when I entered college. I've heard all these high schoolers complain about how everyone is so immature in high school and how they can't wait to get to college where everyone magically is 100x more mature because they moved on in their schooling.

and sorry bud, but that doesn't happen. and I was kinda shocked to find out that it doesn't. so I'm just warning you here.

I've met good people, and I've met not-so-good people. I've met people who love my outgoing personality, and I've met people who hate it. I've met people who love my music taste, and I've met people who think it's too weird and old-fashioned. I've met people who say they admire my authenticity and I've met people who just can't understand why I don't fit the cultural norms. I've met people who think I'm smart and have an interesting perspective, and I've met people who think I'm stupid and ignorant just because I lean a little more to the right on the political spectrum (and I've also met people who think those who lean a little more to the left are also automatically stupid and ignorant). I've met people who think I'm hilarious and I've met people who think I'm rude, self-centered, and that I need to be quiet. and yes, I know that I can't please everyone, but I wasn't expecting this many people to be displeased. 

these experiences have made me think about myself and what changes I need to make. no, these are not changes I am making to please them. these are changes I am making to benefit myself. I am looking at their not-so-good examples and learning from them. they are a good reminder to me of how I should and shouldn't treat others. it has also helped me realize that my bluntness can go a wee bit too far, and that I should hold back.

for example, I appreciate honesty. but which sounds better:
"hey, I'm trying to study right now, so could you please go in the kitchen? thank you!" or "how many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?! I literally have to restrain myself from telling you to shut up all the time. why don't you understand that not everyone wants to talk to you?"
"could you please put your dishes away?" or "why do you always leave your dishes out on the counter?! quit expecting others to take care of you!"
"That's an interesting perspective. I disagree with you, but now I feel like I understand why you have the views that you do! This is how I think about it" or "You are wrong. You obviously don't know anything about how the world works, or how it feels to be a minority. You are so ignorant, I can't believe that you are even in college."
"I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift. I prefer classic rock and alternative music, but I know that not everyone likes that, either!" or "Taylor Swift sucks, I can't believe you listen to that trash."

(DISCLAIMER: some of these bad examples are based off things other people have said to me, while others are based off things I have actually said myself. we are all learning!)

see? there is always a better way of saying things. and yes, it can be hard, and yes, I admit I have said the words "Taylor Swift sucks" on more than one occasion, and it's not fair if I am allowed to say that but that you aren't allowed to criticize Bohemian Rhapsody. I'm human. I'm trying.
(except I really don't like Taylor Swift.)

but instead of focusing on all the negative things about other people, we should try and look for the good. in the words of Queen and David Bowie, "why can't we give ourselves one more chance? why can't we give love one more chance?!" we can always give ourselves the chance to love. if you want to be a happier person, then be nice. be good. like I said, you're not going to please everyone, but you will make a lot more friends that way. and if you make others feel good, you will likely feel better about yourself!

yesterday was Easter, and I have learned a lot about the Easter story and about Jesus Christ in my New Testament class this semester. I've noticed at Christmastime how being kind and serving others is emphasized so that we can remember the true meaning, but Jesus gave us the greatest gift of all when he died for us- so that we can repent from our sins and be with our families for all eternity! I feel like He would want us to focus on being kind all year instead of just in December. and I'm not saying I'm a perfect example of this. I mean, I just said Taylor Swift sucks 2 paragraphs ago. and I know that people might freak out a little bit because trying to be Christlike is hard, so I'm not saying we have to be perfect. but all of us: you, me, your siblings, my siblings, your parents, my parents, your friends, my friends, Donald Trump, college basketball refs, BYU fans, Utah fans, and even the classiest people like Roger Federer can all try just a wee bit harder to be more kind and loving!

so let's give love one more chance.
let's be nice. let's be good.

(and if you really want to be good, listen to this live performance of Harry Styles singing "Sign of the Times". he sounds so different than when he was in One Direction, and I'm loving it. this is coming from someone who mostly listens to classic rock and alternative music. HARRY STYLES IS TALENTED OK?!)

singing in general conference.

I'll just start out this post with this video, a clip from one of my favorite Spongebob episodes. (yes, I'm 19. yes, I still enjoy Spongebob. yes, I am very immature.)

Spongebob seeing himself in this commercial is how I felt this past weekend. all women who participate in the BYU choirs and some choir alumni got to sing at the General Women's session of LDS general conference. this has actually been a lifelong dream of mine, to sing in a general conference session. ever since I was young, one of my favorite things about conference weekend was watching the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform and look for the people with the weirdest hairdos. I wondered what my hair would look like when I got to sing on TV, what I would wear, what I would sing, and how old I would be. I thought I would be closer to 59 than 19. but I guess I chose the right year to audition for BYU Women's Chorus, because WE were selected to sing at the general women's session this spring!

so, in case you ever wondered what it's like to sing in the conference center, in Salt Lake, in front of a live audience of 21,000 people, and even more watching online or on television, here you go:

(and of course, this is the best account you'll ever read because...you know...I'm honest.)

the BYU women's chorus started rehearsing for general conference in around October. when I found out that we would be performing 3 pieces + a congregational hymn in the General Women's Session, I was so excited. I couldn't believe that I could have this opportunity at such a young age. I mean, yes, I made it into an audition-only university choir as an alto 2 (for all you non choir people: this means I sing the lower alto part, so basically the bass part in a women's chorus). yes, I was one of 22 members of the madrigal choir my senior year of high school. yes, I have perfect pitch. yes, I sang Bohemian Rhapsody from memory in front of my 5th grade class at a karaoke party. but I didn't feel like I was conference material. I didn't feel worthy. and to be honest, we sounded pretty rough at first. there were moments when we were rehearsing that I wondered if we could even pull it off. and not only did I have to learn really low alto parts to 3 songs that I was already familiar with, I had to learn to sing them expressively. and being expressive in a performance is actually something I struggle with. on more than one occasion, the judges of my piano competitions told me that I was a technically great pianist, but I wasn't "emotional enough". I wasn't moving all over the keyboard, and I just wasn't "feeling" it. I was completely stiff. even though I did feel emotionally connected inside, I just couldn't show it. but when you are singing in conference, you have to look like you are bearing your testimony. and I tried, but it wasn't easy. but (as you will see later), we were able to pull it off.

something you might know about is the dress code. our wonderful director, Jean Applonie (someone misspelled her name in a hashtag on twitter as #JeanAppolenoie), chose the color scheme. basically, we didn't want to cause a heart attack.

Shout out to whoever picked the wardrobe for this year's choir. Finally some colors that don't cause a heart attack #womensconf #LDSConf

— Madeline Marie (@oymadelinemarie) March 26, 2017

Well, #JeanAppolenoie decided on a "narrow scope of jewel tones: medium to dark hues of blue, turquoise, green, and purple", and we either had to wear a solid dress, or a solid top with a black skirt. we could choose any of those colors, but if it was too light, we would have to select something else. dress/skirts had to be at least knee length when both standing and sitting, and if you did choose to wear an undershirt, it had to be either black or the same color as the shirt, because anything light would look bad on camera. for me, I had a hard time finding anything that fit the criteria, but then my mom picked out my dress as a late birthday present, and I loved it. it was perfect, and it was approved by the wardrobe committee. oh, and we had to do TV makeup and there were certain requirements for hairdos as well. no large buns on top of the head (we didn't want to block the girl behind us), and it had to look nice. nothing too fancy, but it had to be classy.

In order to get some good practice performances, we performed each of the songs at our fall concert and in BYU devotionals. after a few extra rehearsals outside of class, we finally felt like we were ready. (I ate half a pizza and drank a 32 ounce Diet Coke after our last out-of-class rehearsal before we went to Salt Lake. I needed to celebrate somehow.)

THE BIG DAY

I woke up, showered, got in my dress, and did my stage makeup before 11:00 am. then, my mom picked me up from my apartment and brought me home to do my hair. I had to be back at BYU at 1 in order to get on the bus. our plan was to arrive in Salt Lake at 2:30, but because it was raining and rain freaks everyone out for some reason, it took longer. on the bus, the WC presidency told us to prepare ourselves spiritually for this performance. most girls either read scriptures or studied their music. I knew that the only thing that would calm me down and get me focused was putting in my earphones and blasting Bohemian Rhapsody. (some people have different levels of spirituality, okay?!) we arrived at around 3 at the conference center in Salt Lake. we went through an entrance that I had never seen before, and it led us to a rehearsal theater. we did a quick warmup in there, and then section by section, we went up to the LOFT, which is where the choir would sing during the meeting! I was in section C, row 1, seat 1. right behind the organist. (why is it a thing to stick the 5 foot altos behind the organ? but it turned out to be a prime spot.) we did a soundcheck, went over some rules, went back to the theater to eat dinner, touch up our makeup, and went back to the loft for another sound/camera check. then, it was GO TIME.

I had been to 2 sessions of general conference in my life prior to this. the first one was a general women's session when I was 15 in March, and the second one was a Sunday afternoon session in October (I was still 15). seeing conference live has always been a cool experience, but it was a lot different sitting in the loft and having to watch the speakers on a tiny screen. Bonnie L. Oscarson, the general Young Women's president, opened the meeting. SHE IS SO COOL AND SHE ALWAYS GIVES GREAT TALKS. and then, for REAL, it was go time.

our opening song was "Come O, Thou King of Kings". (see if you can find me! also, I have this really cool, low alto part and I got to go full chest voice on it. it was great.)

then, after the opening prayer, we sang "I Feel My Savior's Love" (I AM IN THE FREAKING PREVIEW FOR THIS ONE GUYS THIS IS REAL)

my mom, her sister, and her sister-in-law all got tickets to this session. however, because no one knows how to handle rain here and the security people were going nuts and trying to dry off everyone's umbrella, they missed my first 2 songs, which are really the only ones where you can see me in the video. my mom spent the whole time trying to look for me, but since she was far away, it was unsuccessful. I tried to look for her in the audience, but I couldn't find her, either.

oh, and the congregational hymn was kinda a wreck. usually, they show the words on the screen so that everyone can sing them. but for whatever reason, they forgot to do it this time. NO ONE KNEW THE WORDS. and I tried to BS the alto part as best as I could. (I even practiced while fixing my makeup.) but...it was a struggle, but we pulled it off.

all the talks were amazing. to be honest, the general women's session isn't always my favorite meeting, but ALL the talks were great this time. I was actually paying attention to each one and focusing on the speaker, rather than the fact that I was sitting in front of 21,000 people. I put a link to the talks at the beginning of this post, and if you haven't read or listened to them yet, you should!

the closing song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" was my favorite one. it was one of my favorite songs when I was in primary, and it had a gorgeous alto part (do I act like all I care about is the alto part? well, I'm sorry. sometimes I feel like we are under appreciated). singing this song especially felt amazing, because it was the last one, and I felt really peaceful instead of nervous. I could feel my Savior's love for me, and I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me (yes, I'm being cliché, but IT WAS TRUE, OK?!). I have always felt the spirit strongly through music, and that's how I like to share my testimony. there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that mentions using my musical gifts to share the gospel, and I was definitely doing that. I felt so grateful that God blessed me with my voice, my piano skills, and the opportunity to sing in this choir.

after the closing prayer was said, President Henry B. Eyring and President Dieter F. Uchtdorf both turned around and waved at us, and then they gave us a thumbs up! I FELT SO APPRECIATED. then, Dieter's wife, Harriet, gave him a hug and waved at us, too, and I felt so much love from them. and THEN all of the Young Women's presidency, primary presidency, and Relief Society presidency came UP TO THE LOFT to tell us what a great job we did. IN PERSON. and of course, I said "thank you." they are all so kind, and I could feel their love for me and each member of the choir. it was surreal.

we weren't allowed to leave until after all the general authorities were gone, and most of the audience was gone, too. I went home with my mom and my aunts instead of going back on the bus. I could tell they were all so proud of me, even though they weren't able to see me (we later watched a recording on TV and then they could all see me). 2 days later, I still can't believe that I had the opportunity to sing at a general conference session, and I will always be grateful for it! I know that the gospel is true, and that music is a very powerful way of sharing it.

 the whole choir at rehearsal

 my brothers and my dad recorded it just so they could see me. Wesley got pretty excited.

 and here is the back of my head!

on taking care of yourself and getting help

over the years, I have seen many inspiring posts on social media about personal experiences with mental illness or psychological disorders. I always love reading these posts because it takes a lot of bravery to talk about personal struggles, especially those of mental illness. and believe me, I know how hard it is to talk about it. I still am not completely comfortable using the term "mental illness" to describe myself. I prefer the term "psychological disorder" because I don't like to think of myself as "sick" or "ill", I feel better looking it as something "out of order". and speaking of disorders, I have 3:

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD),
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD),
and
seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

I've generally been open about my ADHD. for one thing, it's the most obvious. if you've ever read my blog and noticed how my thoughts jump from one thing to another in no organizational manner whatsoever, this shouldn't surprise you. and I mean, it's even more obvious when you try and have a conversation with me. if I say anything witty or funny at just the right time, just know I didn't spend any time thinking of it. it just came out. that's how my ADHD works, and it can be pretty fun. but it's not fun when I forget what I'm talking about mid sentence, or when I so very courteously interrupt in the middle of a story. or when I'm making dinner, but I forget that I'm making dinner and I remember that my laundry is done, and then on my way to get my laundry, I forget where I'm going and I grab a Diet Coke, and then I come back to my food, and my pasta is boiling over. now, I know this happens to everyone occasionally, but it happens to me a lot. but the point is that I've dealt with ADHD for a long time; I'm the most familiar with it, and it's not hard to notice it, so I can literally say "I have ADHD" to someone and they will usually be like, "oh ya, so that's why you do (any of my ADHD traits)!" and I'm just like "yep!"

but sometimes, it's hard to really talk about it. yes, I can casually mention that I deal with it, or make a joke about it, and people will understand (or pretend to). but when I was a junior in high school, I had to make a presentation about it for my psychology class, and it was hard talking about it in front of all those people. then when I was a senior and took AP psychology, I had to do another presentation about it, but this time I had to do a "case study". and that case study, of course, was me. (and to be honest, it was kinda weird.)

so, after my incredibly long introduction, here is my story. it's not inspirational like all the other posts about mental health, because...ya know. it's me, raw and unfiltered.

I can't remember any time of my life where I haven't made a stupid impulsive decision, or spoke my mind and hurt someone's feelings without meaning to. my parents thought it was "just a phase" and that I would learn not to walk up to people on the playground and take their shovel away that they were digging in the sandbox with. I would mature and learn not to blurt out the first answer that popped into my head in class. but in second grade, my teacher noticed that I had to go to the bathroom a lot, and by a lot, I mean like 4-5 times a day, I would ask to be excused. most of the time, I wouldn't even have to go. I was just tired of sitting in class all day, so when I asked to go to the bathroom, it gave me the opportunity to MOVE. but around this time, I was starting to have stomach aches and be nervous about lots of things that 8 year olds aren't normally nervous about. and I won't go into detail here, because it's pointless and I don't want to talk about it, but they were stupid things. so my parents started to think that I had anxiety, but hoped it was still a phase.

in fourth grade, however, I was still as impulsive as ever and got sent to the principal's office on 3 different occasions, but the only story worth telling is the time I chucked a ball at this girl's face and yelled "BULLSEYE!" and didn't apologize. why I did it, I don't even know. but my parents weren't as concerned about this as they were about my anxiety. I was afraid of so many things that it was making everyday life hard for me. so they took me to see a counselor. but they didn't tell me why I was going to see a counselor, and I was frustrated with them. why did I have to talk to this dude once a week about my life, my motives, and what made me scared? it wasn't helping. and then, I got a diagnosis. it wasn't anxiety, but it was what I thought was "80-HD", like some kind of new TV screen.

(now, imagine how shocked I was when I learned that it meant that I just had a really hard time focusing like a normal person, and that I do stupid impulsive things like throw balls at peoples' faces for no apparent reason.)

long story short, I was medicated and I still had anxiety, but after switching ADHD meds and maturing, the anxiety lessened. I mean, it was still there, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be. or, I just ignored it.

all during this time, I was a lot grumpier in the wintertime. I didn't get excited for Christmas like normal people did, and it wasn't because I hate presents and Christmas music and Jesus's birth, the only 2 reasons I could think of were: all you do is sleep all day, and winter sucks and it's a miserable time. I was more tired, I was less motivated, I had more headaches, I was more anxious, and I cried more. when I was in high school, I got diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which made total sense as to why I was a lot more SAD (hahahahaha GET IT?!) during the winter, and that it was correlated with the lack of sunlight I was receiving. I was told to spend more time around light, take Vitamin D supplements, and exercise regularly.

back to the rest of the story. I took psychology my junior year of high school, and when we learned about anxiety, I felt grateful to know that that part of my life was over. or so I thought. I had unexplained chronic muscle tension, I was a lazy perfectionist (but a perfectionist nonetheless), I always had to drive myself to activities because I was worried that my friends would either be late or forget to give me a ride (or that they would get lost), I hated making plans with other people because I had to know exactly what we were doing and when, and if I ever thought about all the things I needed to do, I would sometimes have a nervous breakdown and just avoid doing it. I wasn't adjusting well to change. whether I liked it or not, the anxiety was back.

but I still told myself that it was no big deal. nothing was a big deal. I'm just a regular person on ADHD medication who also has anxiety and seasonal depression but can manage it by myself. I kept on telling myself that everything was fine. I didn't want help. my father always told me to be tough, and if I were to ask anyone for help, I didn't feel like I was being tough. and since I was going to college, I needed to be an adult. I wasn't living with my parents anymore, and I needed to take care of myself. I told myself that all these feelings of anxiety and emotional breakdowns would go away once I started college.

guess what? THEY DIDN'T! I was still having breakdowns! almost every time I would go home and talk to my mom, I would just cry and not want to go back to my apartment, but I had to. things started looking up once I changed my major, but then I entered one of the coldest, snowiest, darkest, most miserable Januaries I had ever experienced, and the seasonal depression took a nose dive. I was having a hard time motivating myself to do anything, and even though my life was going pretty well, I was just sad. finally, I called my doctor and set up an appointment. I ended up getting a special "happy light" that specifically helps with SAD, a stronger prescription of Vitamin-D supplements, and (finally) a real diagnosis for GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder.

at first, I was really upset because this meant more meds and it was suggested that I start seeing a therapist to manage the anxiety. and during this whole time, I told myself that I didn't need a therapist, I was strong enough. but then, I realized.

I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

and in some situations, taking anxiety medication and going to a therapist is taking care of myself.

this doesn't mean that I'm not strong enough to manage myself. this doesn't mean that I'm not mentally or emotionally capable of managing myself. because I am still managing myself. I just need to take medication to do that, and by going to a therapist, I can learn even more about managing my anxiety, which will only help me later in life.

and the fact that I'm doing all this at age 19 is actually pretty incredible. I am so grateful that I am learning this now instead of waiting until later in life when I'm even more stressed out.

so, if you read the whole thing, congrats. I'm sorry, this was long. and yes, my ADHD meds wore off and I started rambling and getting off-topic, but expect nothing less.

but, if you are feeling anxious enough that you don't think you can control it, GET HELP.

if you are feeling depressed enough that you don't think you can motivate yourself on your own every day, GET HELP.

if you are CONSISTENTLY (I said consistently) having trouble focusing and getting anything done, making stupid impulsive decisions, and/or are not able to sit still during class and need to take a break and run around the building every day, GET HELP.

there is NOTHING embarrassing about it. it's a good thing. it means that you are taking care of yourself.

I am definitely not perfect, nor will I ever be. I will always have ADHD, GAD, and SAD. and it is hard to accept, but it is definitely manageable. and holy crap, I am grateful for medication. I am grateful for doctors. I am grateful for Vitamin D. I am grateful for therapists. I am grateful that I have all these resources to help me TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

(also, go read this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

LOVE YOU ALL.

the day I would've auditioned.

today I had to wake up earlier than usual on a Saturday. I had to watch a movie for my history class that morning, so I woke up, showered, got dressed, ate a protein bar, and walked from my apartment to the Joseph F. Smith Building, the building in which I will be spending most of my remaining semesters of college in. it is the headquarters of the College of Family, Home and Social Sciences. I enjoyed the movie. It was about Sir Thomas More who refused to annul King Henry VIII's first marriage and said the King could not be the head of the church. after the movie, I walked back to my apartment. but as I walked past the HFAC, the building where all the music, dance, theater, and other fine arts majors live in, I noticed a lot of young looking people were walking in and out. many of them were with their families, and a lot of them looked terrified.

I then remembered that it was the last Saturday in January.

the day when all School of Music applicants who passed the pre-screening round get to perform their full audition in front of judges. this day determines the future of music majors, and it is a scary one.

and then I thought, "this could have been me today."

this is my second year in a row avoiding the fateful "last Saturday of January". I have applied to the BYU school of music 2 years in a row, for 2 different programs, and I got rejected the first round both times. meaning they looked at my application, watched my prescreening video (piano performance) and listened to my portfolio (commercial music/production), and weren't impressed enough to let me advance to the live audition round. it's the fate that most BYU School of Music applicants face the first time. and to be honest, I expected it both times. and to be honest, I was pretty relieved when I got the email saying that "unfortunately, we were not able to accept you into any of our programs this time. Please consider reapplying again in the future."

the first time, I cried a bit. not because I wanted to get into the piano performance program and that it broke my heart, but because I spent all my free time practicing the piano, getting wrist tension, practicing even more because "1-2 hours a day isn't going to cut it when you're a music major, you will need to find time for at least 4 hours a day", wanting to be done because I felt like I was doing a good job, but "not good enough to make the performance program at BYU, where people really spend all their free time practicing at least 4 hours a day already". and I had really started to hate the piano. but it was too late to hate the piano. I had decided at the beginning of high school that I wanted to be a music major, and I couldn't just stop the application process. but I was sad because I wish I had realized sooner that I just wasn't cut out to be a performance major. my ADHD and well-roundedness would not allow me to sit in a cramped practice room for 4+ hours every day AND do homework in my free time AND have friends. my fingers and wrists are a lot smaller than the average piano performance major, and going too fast can lead to tendinitis. but the problem was, I had played piano for so long that I didn't know what else I would major in. I didn't like anything else enough to devote my entire college experience to it. so I cried for about 2 minutes, not because of disappointment, but because of regret. all those hours I spent practicing for an audition that I didn't even want to do could've been spent doing what regular high school seniors were doing, like going to football and basketball games, hanging out with friends, and figuring out what else I like to do besides play piano and play tennis (and you can't major in recreational tennis).

then, I heard about the commercial music and production program, and I was excited about it. this program sounded a lot more relaxed than the piano performance program. in fact, as far as I knew, I would only have to play piano for my audition to prove that I was accomplished at a musical instrument. I would be learning how to produce music, write songs, be a sound engineer, and maybe produce something halfway as iconic as Bohemian Rhapsody. (that song was part of the reason I chose that major.) I met once a week with my mom's friend, Becky, to learn how to produce music. and that part was awesome. Becky is awesome. Becky knows her crap. she knows about all kinds of music, and I'm pretty sure I listen to music a lot differently now than I did before I started working with her. we worked on recording and producing a portfolio for me. one original song and 2 covers, all different arrangements. that part was fun. but then, I learned more about the program. and it was déjà vu. didn't know I was still expected to practice piano at least 20 hours a week in order to get into (and stay in) the program. and I was taking piano lessons my first semester, and I only had time to practice 3 hours a week, tops. AND they reject most of the people who apply. and I was only learning how to produce music. the people who were getting accepted were those who had been working on it for YEARS. those who had been playing with GarageBand since 4th grade. not a girl who literally learned how to synthesize with a MIDI keyboard 3 months ago. and I wished that I had started it a lot earlier. but this was something I was excited to learn about. but I hadn't learned enough. and then I realized that most music majors don't graduate in 4 years. it takes about 5-6, even without serving a mission. and I didn't want to be in college for 6 years, taking 1 credit classes that I probably wouldn't even enjoy, and practicing piano 20 hours a week.

about halfway through my first semester at BYU, I had a "major crisis". I just didn't know if being a music major was very realistic, but I didn't know what else I would do. I had already put in so much work, and I couldn't let it go to waste. I still had to apply. but what would I do if I got in? didn't get in? and how would I explain this to people? I tried to talk about my frustration with my friends and family, but a lot of people said, "well, you're so musically talented, I don't know how they wouldn't accept you." thank you, but THIS DOES NOT HELP. then I would have to explain just how competitive the BYU school of music actually is, and believe it or not, there are 14 people who are more talented than me. 14 more people who work harder than I do. this isn't saying I don't work hard- I do. but just not music major level hard.
"but if you love something so much, why can't you make it your whole life?" because I wasn't sure if I even loved music that much. in fact, there were points when I didn't think I loved music at all.
"but you can always try out again! third time's the charm, right?"
not for someone who wants to GRADUATE IN A TIMELY MANNER.
"but most freshmen don't even have a major picked out!" I AM NOT MOST FRESHMEN. I am getting my degree IN FOUR YEARS. and I don't want to spend more money on school than I have to. college is expensive, and even though my parents are helping me out a lot, I don't want to spend more than I have to. especially if I do get into the School of Music, and then realize that I hate being a music major.
and my personal favorite: "well, why didn't you start earlier?" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I wasn't raised in a nazi music family. my parents wanted all of their children to have some piano experience so that they could play the hymns in church. I just happened to be really good at it, so I kept taking lessons all through high school, and I loved playing classical music. but it wasn't my life. I also played tennis, and during tennis season, I probably spent at least twice as much time playing tennis as I did practicing. and no, I definitely wasn't good enough to play in college, but it was a hobby that I loved. it distracted me from piano and school and real life. it felt good to run around and hit things. just typing this makes me nostalgic. but I was one of those people who was good at everything but the best at nothing. I just had too many hobbies and interests.

and I realized, to be a music major, you have to be good at music AND ONLY MUSIC (ok, that's not completely true, but you have to be 110% devoted). you have to live, breathe, and sleep piano/music production. and there's no rule for this, but it is highly preferable that you don't have ADHD.
whoops.
back to my first semester of college. I was pretty upset. why did I have to go through the School of Music application twice? let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more inadequate than that application. and they still saved my letters of recommendation for piano performance. I thought I would be able to redeem myself, but nope. much like the piano performance application process, I felt very unsettled, and I prayed to know what to do, but I still felt unsettled. but this time, I was even more angry. when I first decided I wanted to do commercial music, I felt GOOD about it. I felt HAPPY. but now, I am feeling unsettled again. why do I have to go through this twice? it sucked enough the first time. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I had other alternatives, but none of them felt right, and I still had to turn in the application. and that was just weird, because I hoped they would like it, and I tried my best, but I knew that there was a 99% chance I wouldn't get in. I wasn't being pessimistic, I was being realistic. the school of music audition process is grueling. even people who get accepted would agree with me. and if not, then your life isn't hard enough.

I was having a really tough time overall during that semester. all my friends were either on missions, in high school, or turning in their mission papers. sure, I had other friends, but...in college, everyone is busy, and they make new friends, and I was supposed to make new friends, but it was HARD. I am the only girl in my family, and living with 5 other girls is just about as different from living with 2 brothers +20 of their friends can get (plus, I didn't know any of my roommates prior to moving in, and they were all pretty quiet and reserved). I failed my first midterm exam, and I couldn't remember failing any test that wasn't in geometry or pre-calculus. to sum it all up, one of my dear teammates, Annie, wrote me this from her mission:
"I'm not gonna lie to you, my fall semester was hard and I had a little bit of an identity crisis. I guess I had just hung out with the same group of people my whole life and then I was thrown into a mass of friends who didn't know me and I kinda forgot who I was. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Remember how awesome and cute and involved you were in high school? Be like that in college. I was that stupid freshman in college who walked around with her headphones in and was too nervous to look around and be friends with people. don't be like me. Be fun, crazy, exciting, smart charismatic Merm and love every second of college." 
sorry, Annie, but that happened to me. I had an identity crisis. but then I figured that it was a normal thing. I realized that most people I talked to were either undeclared, or they were "PRE-nursing", "PRE-management", "PRE-music", etc. I was surprised that it was a normal thing for a freshman to be unconfident about their major. I have anxiety and one of the things that scares me the most is uncertainty. I couldn't be that "undeclared" major. I had to know what I was doing ALL THE TIME. but I wasn't. and I was scared. 

but somewhere in that first semester, I thought about other things I liked to do. I thought about my strengths and weaknesses. I am an extrovert. I would rather be around people all day than in a recording studio or a practice room. I am strong-willed, and I don't like being told what to do all the time (and to be in the music industry, you have to kiss up to a lot of people). I taught piano in high school, and I loved helping those students learn how to play. I was pretty firm with them and didn't tolerate their "I was too busy playing video games" excuses. my favorite classes in high school were not the music classes I took, but history, geography, and psychology. I TAed for an AP world history class my junior year in high school, and I loved helping the students, grading their papers, and I might've been a bit too blunt with them, but I realized how much I loved history.
and I decided that I would make a freaking good teacher.
I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that if I didn't get accepted into the school of music, I could change my major to history teaching. I told my friends about my plans, and they were all very supportive and told me that I would make a freaking good teacher. I told my favorite teacher from high school, my AP world history one, and she got so excited that I would be doing the same thing. and for the first time in college, I felt confident in myself and my future.

the first Tuesday of January 2017, I got my rejection email from the school of music.
I read it, yelled out "HELL YEAH! I AM FREE!" and submitted a request to change my major.

I am currently a social science teaching pre-major at BYU. this means I can teach geography, economics, maybe government (not sure), psychology, and HISTORY. next semester, I will get fingerprinted and background checked and do a teaching observation class, and then I will OFFICIALLY be a teaching major. I get to take classes like anthropology, abnormal psychology, economics, United States history, ancient civilizations, and all these other classes that I wouldn't have had time for had I been a music major. I am a lot happier than I have been since I started college. I have learned that it's ok if I don't know what I'm doing all the time, and that IT IS NORMAL to go through an identity crisis. it is all part of growing up. and boy, is it tough, but it's good for you. even though I initially felt regret after applying to be a music major, it has taught me so much. it taught me that it's okay to change your mind, and that in the moment, I won't always know what's best for me. I have to rely on faith in the gospel that everything will work out, even if it isn't in the way I expect it to. and not only do I have a greater appreciation for music majors and all the hard work they do, I have a huge appreciation for teachers as well. and believe me, I wouldn't have learned any of it had I gone into college as a declared teaching major.

and most of all, I am so grateful that I wasn't one of those petrified girls walking in and out of the HFAC on audition today, and that I was watching A Man for All Seasons instead.