"be nice. be good."

It's 2017.
Be nice.
Be good.

— Harry Styles. (@Harry_Styles) January 1, 2017

I know it's a bit late to talk about New Year's resolutions and all that jazz, but this is something I've been working on this year. something I've noticed since I moved out of my family's house and on-campus is that it requires a lot more effort to be nice. In my family, we would talk about our day at the dinner table, because we would try to have family dinner as much as we could. we had to give a report on how we were doing in school, and we would either get lectured or we would get advice. we were also encouraged to talk about what's working in our life and what isn't. because my family was so open at the dinner table, we learned a lot of life lessons. we learned how to treat people the way they want to be treated. (for example, I love being around people and I would be fine if someone invited me to a football game and went to In-N-Out afterward, but other people might not be as social and would like to be left alone, and would appreciate kind words at most.) we learned the nicest way to say things but still get the point across, and if we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say it at all. now, I'm a bit more blunt and straightforward, so I often speak the truth, even if it isn't nice. I've been working on stating my opinions in a nicer way and not hurting other peoples' feelings. but I have learned a lot from these dinner table conversations, and they have helped me be a nicer person.

but I learned that not everyone grew up with consistent family dinners and life lessons at the dinner table. and it was a bit of a surprise to me, especially when I entered college. I've heard all these high schoolers complain about how everyone is so immature in high school and how they can't wait to get to college where everyone magically is 100x more mature because they moved on in their schooling.

and sorry bud, but that doesn't happen. and I was kinda shocked to find out that it doesn't. so I'm just warning you here.

I've met good people, and I've met not-so-good people. I've met people who love my outgoing personality, and I've met people who hate it. I've met people who love my music taste, and I've met people who think it's too weird and old-fashioned. I've met people who say they admire my authenticity and I've met people who just can't understand why I don't fit the cultural norms. I've met people who think I'm smart and have an interesting perspective, and I've met people who think I'm stupid and ignorant just because I lean a little more to the right on the political spectrum (and I've also met people who think those who lean a little more to the left are also automatically stupid and ignorant). I've met people who think I'm hilarious and I've met people who think I'm rude, self-centered, and that I need to be quiet. and yes, I know that I can't please everyone, but I wasn't expecting this many people to be displeased. 

these experiences have made me think about myself and what changes I need to make. no, these are not changes I am making to please them. these are changes I am making to benefit myself. I am looking at their not-so-good examples and learning from them. they are a good reminder to me of how I should and shouldn't treat others. it has also helped me realize that my bluntness can go a wee bit too far, and that I should hold back.

for example, I appreciate honesty. but which sounds better:
"hey, I'm trying to study right now, so could you please go in the kitchen? thank you!" or "how many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?! I literally have to restrain myself from telling you to shut up all the time. why don't you understand that not everyone wants to talk to you?"
"could you please put your dishes away?" or "why do you always leave your dishes out on the counter?! quit expecting others to take care of you!"
"That's an interesting perspective. I disagree with you, but now I feel like I understand why you have the views that you do! This is how I think about it" or "You are wrong. You obviously don't know anything about how the world works, or how it feels to be a minority. You are so ignorant, I can't believe that you are even in college."
"I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift. I prefer classic rock and alternative music, but I know that not everyone likes that, either!" or "Taylor Swift sucks, I can't believe you listen to that trash."

(DISCLAIMER: some of these bad examples are based off things other people have said to me, while others are based off things I have actually said myself. we are all learning!)

see? there is always a better way of saying things. and yes, it can be hard, and yes, I admit I have said the words "Taylor Swift sucks" on more than one occasion, and it's not fair if I am allowed to say that but that you aren't allowed to criticize Bohemian Rhapsody. I'm human. I'm trying.
(except I really don't like Taylor Swift.)

but instead of focusing on all the negative things about other people, we should try and look for the good. in the words of Queen and David Bowie, "why can't we give ourselves one more chance? why can't we give love one more chance?!" we can always give ourselves the chance to love. if you want to be a happier person, then be nice. be good. like I said, you're not going to please everyone, but you will make a lot more friends that way. and if you make others feel good, you will likely feel better about yourself!

yesterday was Easter, and I have learned a lot about the Easter story and about Jesus Christ in my New Testament class this semester. I've noticed at Christmastime how being kind and serving others is emphasized so that we can remember the true meaning, but Jesus gave us the greatest gift of all when he died for us- so that we can repent from our sins and be with our families for all eternity! I feel like He would want us to focus on being kind all year instead of just in December. and I'm not saying I'm a perfect example of this. I mean, I just said Taylor Swift sucks 2 paragraphs ago. and I know that people might freak out a little bit because trying to be Christlike is hard, so I'm not saying we have to be perfect. but all of us: you, me, your siblings, my siblings, your parents, my parents, your friends, my friends, Donald Trump, college basketball refs, BYU fans, Utah fans, and even the classiest people like Roger Federer can all try just a wee bit harder to be more kind and loving!

so let's give love one more chance.
let's be nice. let's be good.

(and if you really want to be good, listen to this live performance of Harry Styles singing "Sign of the Times". he sounds so different than when he was in One Direction, and I'm loving it. this is coming from someone who mostly listens to classic rock and alternative music. HARRY STYLES IS TALENTED OK?!)

singing in general conference.

I'll just start out this post with this video, a clip from one of my favorite Spongebob episodes. (yes, I'm 19. yes, I still enjoy Spongebob. yes, I am very immature.)

Spongebob seeing himself in this commercial is how I felt this past weekend. all women who participate in the BYU choirs and some choir alumni got to sing at the General Women's session of LDS general conference. this has actually been a lifelong dream of mine, to sing in a general conference session. ever since I was young, one of my favorite things about conference weekend was watching the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform and look for the people with the weirdest hairdos. I wondered what my hair would look like when I got to sing on TV, what I would wear, what I would sing, and how old I would be. I thought I would be closer to 59 than 19. but I guess I chose the right year to audition for BYU Women's Chorus, because WE were selected to sing at the general women's session this spring!

so, in case you ever wondered what it's like to sing in the conference center, in Salt Lake, in front of a live audience of 21,000 people, and even more watching online or on television, here you go:

(and of course, this is the best account you'll ever read because...you know...I'm honest.)

the BYU women's chorus started rehearsing for general conference in around October. when I found out that we would be performing 3 pieces + a congregational hymn in the General Women's Session, I was so excited. I couldn't believe that I could have this opportunity at such a young age. I mean, yes, I made it into an audition-only university choir as an alto 2 (for all you non choir people: this means I sing the lower alto part, so basically the bass part in a women's chorus). yes, I was one of 22 members of the madrigal choir my senior year of high school. yes, I have perfect pitch. yes, I sang Bohemian Rhapsody from memory in front of my 5th grade class at a karaoke party. but I didn't feel like I was conference material. I didn't feel worthy. and to be honest, we sounded pretty rough at first. there were moments when we were rehearsing that I wondered if we could even pull it off. and not only did I have to learn really low alto parts to 3 songs that I was already familiar with, I had to learn to sing them expressively. and being expressive in a performance is actually something I struggle with. on more than one occasion, the judges of my piano competitions told me that I was a technically great pianist, but I wasn't "emotional enough". I wasn't moving all over the keyboard, and I just wasn't "feeling" it. I was completely stiff. even though I did feel emotionally connected inside, I just couldn't show it. but when you are singing in conference, you have to look like you are bearing your testimony. and I tried, but it wasn't easy. but (as you will see later), we were able to pull it off.

something you might know about is the dress code. our wonderful director, Jean Applonie (someone misspelled her name in a hashtag on twitter as #JeanAppolenoie), chose the color scheme. basically, we didn't want to cause a heart attack.

Shout out to whoever picked the wardrobe for this year's choir. Finally some colors that don't cause a heart attack #womensconf #LDSConf

— Madeline Marie (@oymadelinemarie) March 26, 2017

Well, #JeanAppolenoie decided on a "narrow scope of jewel tones: medium to dark hues of blue, turquoise, green, and purple", and we either had to wear a solid dress, or a solid top with a black skirt. we could choose any of those colors, but if it was too light, we would have to select something else. dress/skirts had to be at least knee length when both standing and sitting, and if you did choose to wear an undershirt, it had to be either black or the same color as the shirt, because anything light would look bad on camera. for me, I had a hard time finding anything that fit the criteria, but then my mom picked out my dress as a late birthday present, and I loved it. it was perfect, and it was approved by the wardrobe committee. oh, and we had to do TV makeup and there were certain requirements for hairdos as well. no large buns on top of the head (we didn't want to block the girl behind us), and it had to look nice. nothing too fancy, but it had to be classy.

In order to get some good practice performances, we performed each of the songs at our fall concert and in BYU devotionals. after a few extra rehearsals outside of class, we finally felt like we were ready. (I ate half a pizza and drank a 32 ounce Diet Coke after our last out-of-class rehearsal before we went to Salt Lake. I needed to celebrate somehow.)

THE BIG DAY

I woke up, showered, got in my dress, and did my stage makeup before 11:00 am. then, my mom picked me up from my apartment and brought me home to do my hair. I had to be back at BYU at 1 in order to get on the bus. our plan was to arrive in Salt Lake at 2:30, but because it was raining and rain freaks everyone out for some reason, it took longer. on the bus, the WC presidency told us to prepare ourselves spiritually for this performance. most girls either read scriptures or studied their music. I knew that the only thing that would calm me down and get me focused was putting in my earphones and blasting Bohemian Rhapsody. (some people have different levels of spirituality, okay?!) we arrived at around 3 at the conference center in Salt Lake. we went through an entrance that I had never seen before, and it led us to a rehearsal theater. we did a quick warmup in there, and then section by section, we went up to the LOFT, which is where the choir would sing during the meeting! I was in section C, row 1, seat 1. right behind the organist. (why is it a thing to stick the 5 foot altos behind the organ? but it turned out to be a prime spot.) we did a soundcheck, went over some rules, went back to the theater to eat dinner, touch up our makeup, and went back to the loft for another sound/camera check. then, it was GO TIME.

I had been to 2 sessions of general conference in my life prior to this. the first one was a general women's session when I was 15 in March, and the second one was a Sunday afternoon session in October (I was still 15). seeing conference live has always been a cool experience, but it was a lot different sitting in the loft and having to watch the speakers on a tiny screen. Bonnie L. Oscarson, the general Young Women's president, opened the meeting. SHE IS SO COOL AND SHE ALWAYS GIVES GREAT TALKS. and then, for REAL, it was go time.

our opening song was "Come O, Thou King of Kings". (see if you can find me! also, I have this really cool, low alto part and I got to go full chest voice on it. it was great.)

then, after the opening prayer, we sang "I Feel My Savior's Love" (I AM IN THE FREAKING PREVIEW FOR THIS ONE GUYS THIS IS REAL)

my mom, her sister, and her sister-in-law all got tickets to this session. however, because no one knows how to handle rain here and the security people were going nuts and trying to dry off everyone's umbrella, they missed my first 2 songs, which are really the only ones where you can see me in the video. my mom spent the whole time trying to look for me, but since she was far away, it was unsuccessful. I tried to look for her in the audience, but I couldn't find her, either.

oh, and the congregational hymn was kinda a wreck. usually, they show the words on the screen so that everyone can sing them. but for whatever reason, they forgot to do it this time. NO ONE KNEW THE WORDS. and I tried to BS the alto part as best as I could. (I even practiced while fixing my makeup.) but...it was a struggle, but we pulled it off.

all the talks were amazing. to be honest, the general women's session isn't always my favorite meeting, but ALL the talks were great this time. I was actually paying attention to each one and focusing on the speaker, rather than the fact that I was sitting in front of 21,000 people. I put a link to the talks at the beginning of this post, and if you haven't read or listened to them yet, you should!

the closing song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" was my favorite one. it was one of my favorite songs when I was in primary, and it had a gorgeous alto part (do I act like all I care about is the alto part? well, I'm sorry. sometimes I feel like we are under appreciated). singing this song especially felt amazing, because it was the last one, and I felt really peaceful instead of nervous. I could feel my Savior's love for me, and I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me (yes, I'm being cliché, but IT WAS TRUE, OK?!). I have always felt the spirit strongly through music, and that's how I like to share my testimony. there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that mentions using my musical gifts to share the gospel, and I was definitely doing that. I felt so grateful that God blessed me with my voice, my piano skills, and the opportunity to sing in this choir.

after the closing prayer was said, President Henry B. Eyring and President Dieter F. Uchtdorf both turned around and waved at us, and then they gave us a thumbs up! I FELT SO APPRECIATED. then, Dieter's wife, Harriet, gave him a hug and waved at us, too, and I felt so much love from them. and THEN all of the Young Women's presidency, primary presidency, and Relief Society presidency came UP TO THE LOFT to tell us what a great job we did. IN PERSON. and of course, I said "thank you." they are all so kind, and I could feel their love for me and each member of the choir. it was surreal.

we weren't allowed to leave until after all the general authorities were gone, and most of the audience was gone, too. I went home with my mom and my aunts instead of going back on the bus. I could tell they were all so proud of me, even though they weren't able to see me (we later watched a recording on TV and then they could all see me). 2 days later, I still can't believe that I had the opportunity to sing at a general conference session, and I will always be grateful for it! I know that the gospel is true, and that music is a very powerful way of sharing it.

 the whole choir at rehearsal

 my brothers and my dad recorded it just so they could see me. Wesley got pretty excited.

 and here is the back of my head!

is this the real life...or is this just Fantasie?

I'm not really good at this whole blogging game anymore because junior year happened. and as far as I know, no one even reads my blog anymore. but for those that do, I thought I might humor you with an embarrassing story.

so, last Saturday, I have this piano recital, and I'm supposed to be playing this song- Fantasie Impromptu by Chopin. I have wanted to learn this song for a loooong time. about 2 years ago, one of my really good friends played it for me and I was amazed at how good he was, and I told myself, "someday, I will be this good and I will learn this." well, in November, I finished off my crazy huge sonata festival (where I played this song, Moonlight Sonata, movement 3. all 15 pages), and finally, I could prepare for my 19th century recital, and of course, after playing all 15 pages of the 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata, I feel like I can play anything. so, I choose Fantasie Impromptu. and it's not an easy song. It required long, slow practices with the metronome, drilling the same measures for hours, painful wrist tension, learning when to lift the pedal, balance and articulation, dynamics, and playing with expression. if a deaf person watched me play, they wouldn't think I was very good unless they watched the movement in my fingers. I am not one of those people who moves their entire body with the music. my passion lies in my fingers only, not everything else. I just can't subconsciously do that. but I've been trying to look more passionate when I play.  so, add all that stuff up and it's a lot to work on. I wanted to get it perfect, so I'd practice an hour-an hour and a half every day, just on that song. (now, I know that more dedicated pianists practice at least 2 hours. I just don't have the time or patience to do that. but I'm doing my best.)

but finally, the day of my recital, I feel really confident and I can play through the song almost perfectly. I'm not too worried because it's not a competition and I'm not getting judged. I'm not too nervous. I'm listed second to last on the program, so I let all these kids go before me, and I'm doing okay. But as soon as I walk up there, the nerves hit me. at my last recital (which was a competition), I had to start over but after that I played well. I didn't want to do it this time. So, I'm sitting at the bench, thinking through my song...or that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I just go and jump in and start playing, and already on the 4th measure, I can't play. I screw up a run, and decide to start again. my goal was not to start over. but I guess I can do it once. but I have the same problem. same spot. I can't get past that one spot. so, without thinking, I just run off the stage and tell the last girl to go. everyone's staring at me and that makes me feel worse. I sit with my parents and they don't say anything, except my dad says, "if you want to go up after she's done, then you should. but I won't force you to do this one." which my dad is never like this. usually, he makes me push through everything. if I'm feeling sick, he claims it's all in my head and that I need to be mentally tough. if I say I'm going to do something, I'm not allowed to back out. but I could tell he felt really bad, which made me feel better but also made me feel almost worse, in a way.

well, I thought about it the whole time the last girl was playing. I worked so hard to get to this moment, and why back out after all that? I already messed up pretty bad and started over twice and gave up. but I wasn't going to leave the recital hall without playing my song. and I wouldn't start over again.

so the last girl finishes, and I walk back up, sit down, actually think about what I'm about to do, and once I'm ready, I start playing. and I am actually doing pretty well. I'm still really nervous, so I'm not playing nearly as well as I do on my own, but considering the fact that I'm under a lot of pressure, it's going okay. but right as I'm about to get to the slow part, I look down at the keys and see that there's blood all over them. and then I notice, my index finger on my right hand, has a hangnail, and it just happened to start bleeding.

THERE IS BLOOD.
ON THE PIANO.
just when you think it can't get any worse, IT DOES.

well, I've already started over twice and let another girl go in front of me, so I guess I just have to ignore this bloody hangnail. but it's obvious. anyone who was sitting on the front row could tell that I'm bleeding everywhere. and I just have to play through it. I try not to focus on it, but it just made it 500 times harder to play. but I play okay and I just accept that I have to struggle through it. so, I finish, play my final chord, casually wipe my finger off, and stand up and take my bow.
and EVERYONE IS CLAPPING.
well, what do I do now? I just run straight to my teacher and say, "I have a hangnail on my right hand and it started bleeding while I was playing... don't let anyone near the piano. um.... sorry about that." and she says, "it's okay, you played through it, and you played beautifully." and a bunch of moms came up to me and said that they have heard me at other recitals and master classes, and that I'm a very accomplished pianist and that they are impressed that even though I got hit by some weird case of nerves and my FREAKING FINGER STARTED TO BLEED, I pushed through it and played really well. I guess that made me feel a little better. but to me, I just felt like a failure. I thought it was going to be amazing, I would play through it perfectly, and not get a bloody hangnail. so, I just beat myself up the whole way home and cry about how bad I am and that these people don't know everything.

but eventually, that evening, I recovered. I was at a party in Park City with a ton of my friends, and they asked how my day was, and I told them this story, and I was even able to laugh at myself. because the whole thing now seemed absolutely ridiculous. it was really embarrassing at the time, but I was able to get over myself. and considering the fact that I had a really weird case of nerves and that I was bleeding everywhere, I played really well. and if I had just given up, I would've been really mad at myself for a long time.

so, next time you have a recital or concert or game or anything, just think, "at least I don't have a bloody hangnail." and even if you do, just push through it. it's hard to ignore this stuff, but I pushed through it. and I'm just proud of myself for doing that. and who knows, it makes for a good story to tell at parties.

so I kinda just love Madi.

I seriously haven't hung out with any of my friends in forever. I've had so much homework, and I have been babysitting a lot because my parents finally agreed to let me have an iPhone!!!!!!!!!! I just have to pay for the first 3 months before I can get it! so I've been doing all the work I can. so this weekend was a nice little break for me. saturday, I slept really late, went to Cafe Rio with Raquel and chilled with her all afternoon, and then went to Lynley's that evening for a surprise party for our friend Madi. her birthday was actually the day before (on Friday), but we had a big celebration last night.

so this is the lovely Madi White. as you can see, she is absolutely beautiful, she is obviously way taller than I am, and she is always smiling. she is always just super nice to everyone, and she is just a great person to talk to! and I love it when we just sit down at the piano and I'm playing something and we're singing together. last week, for like a whole hour, we just sat down at Brooke's piano and played and sang  for each other.

 so for about an hour at Lynley's, all we did was just eat food and wait for Madi to get there. once she did, boy was she surprised! (I hope). It was a wonderful party, with tons of great food, great people, and at first it was a bit awkward because I didn't know a ton of people, but after a while I was more outgoing and was able to talk to everyone and have a great time! so, because Madi just loves it when I sing to her, everyone gathered around Lynley's piano, and I played and sang for Madi. (and everyone else that was there.) so I'm not the best at performing in front of people (even just my friends), but after a while, I didn't care. so I know what you're thinking, I go to this party and all I do is serenade everyone, but it was awesome. and I wasn't being antisocial the whole time!

so besides that, I'm really happy that I met Madi in junior high and that we've been able to become such great friends ever since! and I hope you are reading this blog! because I love you sooooooooo much! and for your enjoyment, here's an awkward picture of us and Lynley from the 8th grade. like seriously. what is with my beanie? whatevs....... it's coooo.

must I even explain?

homeschooling just isn't working out. so happy to get this mess done with in a week.

yesterday was the one and only Holy War, BYU vs. Utah football game! because I'm in Japan, we couldn't watch it, and our TV only has Japanese channels, so after church on Sunday (the game was a Sunday in Japan), I went to my friend Jayne's house to eat lunch and chill before Seminary. Now, I love Jayne with all my heart because she is just super nice, funny, and really fun to talk to. I love her mother, who is the Young Women president of my Tokyo ward. I love her little sister, Mary May, who is always asking me how I am and always goes out of her way to make me feel happy. And let's not forget her dad, who is just hilarious. So, the Harrises are pretty legit people. But there is just one thing that I have a slight problem with... they are UTE FANS. I know, that's nasty, right? And I'm over at their house, watching the game with them, they're all dressed in their Utah fan clothes, I'm still in my dress, and everytime BYU fumbles, they're laughing at me and all like, in your FACE! and whenever Utah fumbles, they completely overreact. After my Cougars had the change to kick 2 field goals (which went badly), and the Utes won, 24-21, they were doing their little victory dance and you know me, I don't take these very well!

and one more thing..... this song makes me cry like no other. I love Taylor Swift, and I think that it is just an amazing thing that she would go out and write a song for a little boy who died of cancer. I just bawl my eyes out every time I hear it. No other artist would be sweet enough to write a song about this. Seriously, this is amazing. And try your hardest not to cry!

torn.

the last few weeks have been pretty rough for me. I've become a lot closer with my Tokyo ward friends, and I will really miss them when I leave. I've also started "school", but then got pulled out of it because the district is upset because I didn't show up for the first 10 days, so I have officially been removed as a student at Timpview High School. I was supposed to be registered as a late arrival. so, this registration process is really stressful. also, my parents are getting stricter and stricter now that my ward friends are in school, as well as my Provo friends. mornings for me is afternoon for them, so it's the only time I can get on Facebook to talk to them. My dad highly disapproves of this, as I am not doing "homework first." and then there's my brothers, who also have homework. all done online, as we don't have a printer. and books. we didn't bring any paperbacks, so we have to read either from the iPad or the Kindle, which 1. I am such a great sister, I got Wesley addicted to The Hunger Games! (which he's obsessed, but he still can't understand how I cry everytime I read about Peeta and the bread, or anytime Mockingjay is even mentioned). 2. Justin is also addicted to books, but for him, it's Harry Potter. he started the first book this summer, and is now in the middle of the 4th. and he's only in 4th grade. I didn't even start the series until the beginning of 5th grade, and I finished in the middle of 6th grade. so, both of my brothers are always using one or the other to read, and I am in Honors English 9, and I have not only 1 but 2 biographies that I have to read before I get back to the states. the first one was about a hurricane in Galveston, Texas. it dragged on really slooooooooooowwwly. I personally was bored to death. the second book, I am able to choose, and I chose this really good book called Unbroken, which I am addicted to. but I barely have any time to really get into it because the iPad is also used for watching movies, playing Smurf Village (both the boys are obsessed!), Angry Birds (MOM is obsessed!), and as a computer when the laptop is taken. so, there is a challenge with that.

my nonexistent math teacher finally proved she exists by emailing not me, but my parents, who expected me to get the message. I have missed a whole chapter, and by the time I get back, it will have been 2 chapters. this was a bad time to take Algebra 2, because I didn't do too well in Geometry and was planning on retaking it as a freshman, but the registration people automatically assumed that if I was a Geometry student, I would have to take Algebra 2. also, as you know, all my friends took it last year and are in Geomecrap this year. so, I got taken out of Algebra 2 and am now enrolled in the same class, but using eSchool (which I should've used for Geomecrap!). all in all, it's been complete chaos.

early morning seminary is pretty much killing me. I have to play piano, I don't have any written scriptures (they were so heavy I left them in Provo and thought I'd get off easy using my iPod, but they would prefer the written stuff), I'm not on my ADD meds yet, so I'm not focused at all and I'm pretty much falling asleep. as soon  as I get back, the boys are awake, so that ruins any chance of falling back asleep. but it gives me a good reason to actually read my scriptures!

in addition to this schooling stuff, I'm stuck in the middle. all of my Japan ward friends have really gotten to know me, and I love them. I will really miss them, and it doesn't help that every time I show up to seminary or mutual, they always remind me, "Oh my gosh, Miriam, you're leaving so soon! I'm gonna miss you so much! You are such a sweet girl and very talented and such a great friend and yeah yeah yeah..." which means a lot to me, because I've actually found a place in this ward! but do I like being reminded? heck no! it only makes it worse. not only are the young men/women doing this, but the young families as well. let's take the cute little G. family as an example. darling 6 year old Kylie and adorable 5 year old Renae look to me as a fashion idol. every Sunday, they find something new about my outfit to obsess over, and ask their mom, "Can I get this? I wanna look like Miriam!" and they always check every week to make sure I'm wearing a different pair of earrings! Liam, their charming 3 year old brother also inspects my earrings, along with showing me all his new creations he makes in nursery. "Look, Miriam! I colored this picture! and it says my name, L-I-A-M! And I'm wearing your favorite little stripey socks again without shoes! Can you go home and play with me all day? It'll be super-duper fun!"  and then there are my youth conference buddies, whom I would do anything to see them again. but I'm leaving too soon to even get a chance of seeing them again.

my Provo friends aren't taking this too well either. to all you Provo friends reading this, do not get offended. when I first left, I got a party. I got a Japan book. I got a yearbook signed. Everyone was asking how I was doing. then, they accepted that I was gone and didn't pay any attention, except for the occasional photo liking on Instagram or email. it was quite boring. but as soon as school started, they're all like, "Miriam, we miss you sooooo much! Come home right now, please! You've been gone way too long!" or "You are loving Japan way too much, and I'm afraid you'll never leave. Why did it have to grow on you?" or "So ready for you to get home! P-Town needs your stinkin cute face!" and I appreciate that very much. it makes me want to come back. but really, why did you have to wait until the end of my time in Japan? that kind of makes it harder. and saying that you wish that I didn't like Japan? well, again, no offence, but if you're my friend, you should want me to be happy. believe me, I wasn't happy at first. but that's when all you guys were on summer vacation. having a blast. and when I'm happy, you remind me that I should come home. which I'm super excited to do. but sad at the same time.

"Nothing's fine, I'm torn.
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.
I'm cold and I'm ashamed, lying broken on the floor.
Illusion never changed, into something real.
I'm wide awake, and I can see the perfect sky is torn.
You're a little late, I'm already torn."
-Torn by some other singer, but I like the One Direction acoustic version. go look it up!

well, that might've been a slight exaggeration. but that's how I'm feeling right now. torn. I don't want to leave Japan. but I miss all my friends of Provo. I want to go back. But I don't. I want to stay in Tokyo. But I don't. see how confusing this gets?

but to face reality, I am flying back to Provo in 12 days.