twenty.

hello, friends. this month, I celebrated my 20th birthday. to be completely honest, it was a pretty weird birthday. I spent my morning observing my favorite world history teacher at my old high school as part of one of my education classes. back when I was in high school, word got out quickly that it was my birthday. people I didn't even know would say "Happy birthday, Miriam!" to me. in 2015, this teacher (the one I was observing) made an announcement on the intercom that it was my 17th birthday. and I hope this doesn't sound completely narcissistic, but I liked the attention. I have never been one to hide in the background and blend in. even though I was (and still am) 5 feet tall, I made sure that my presence was noticed. I had a lot of friends, and every year on my birthday, a large group of them would come to my house and grab some wonderful dessert made by my mother. I loved my birthdays.

on Tuesday, I purposely showed up 15 minutes after the tardy bell because I did not want to be mistaken as a student. after all, I was here to observe my favorite history teacher as a practicum assignment for one of my classes, not loiter on my old stomping grounds. after I parked my car in the Visitor's Parking lot, I saw a lady who appeared to be running late. I held the door open for her, and she said, "thank you so much, even though you are probably already 15 minutes to your first class! what grade are you in? what class do you have right now?"
"oh, you're welcome. and I'm actually not a student here. I graduated 2 years ago. I am a teaching social science major at BYU"
"oh, so how old are you?"
"20"
"you look really young for a 20-year-old...and don't worry, you'll be grateful when you are my age!"

I thought about the last time I walked into Timpview High School (besides this one time last year when I was visiting this same teacher and a few of my friends who were seniors at the time). I was the same height as I am now. I blasted Bohemian Rhapsody on my way to school. I went out to lunch with a few of my best friends on the tennis team. I was devastated that Roger Federer pulled out of the French Open due to injury. I was excited to start BYU, but I was definitely going to miss high school. I would miss my social life, going to In-N-Out after football games, making quesadillas with my friends at my house for lunch, Great Harvest runs, and so much more. I thought I was going to be a commercial music major and one day bring classic rock back into the mainstream. I maybe wanted to minor in history. I was not looking forward to BYU not having any caffeine on campus. I was very excited, but also very anxious.

and boy, I was a very different person than I am at 20 years old.

yes, I am still the same height as I was back then. yes, I still blasted Bohemian Rhapsody in my car on the way to school. yes, I still love classic rock music and want to maybe someday bring it back into the mainstream. yes, I still have a lot of the same friends, but we don't see each other as much. some are serving missions, while others are attending different universities. even the ones who attend BYU with me aren't seen very often, because college can take over your life. but even though I thought I had it all with an amazing social life (and truth is, I still miss it sometimes), I have become a much better, stronger person.

I got rejected from the BYU Commercial Music program and decided that I wanted to do something that I love, which is sharing what I'm passionate about with other people. I declared my major as Teaching Social Science in winter of 2017, and officially entered the program in the fall. I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and that I can help so many people in the process, whether it be by teaching them history, listening to them, or even just being a friend. I have learned so much about history, geography, psychology, teaching others, and teaching myself. I still enjoy eating out, but instead of going to In-N-Out after football games, my friends and I will go after our shift is done, and we can't stay all night because I have a crap ton of economics homework to do. BYU has caffeine on campus now. Roger Federer is in the final round of the Australian Open this year. he won TWO GRAND SLAMS since he pulled out of the French Open in 2016.

anyways.

as weird as it is walking into your old high school and getting mistaken as a student multiple times (yes, this incident did happen a few more times), I am very proud of the person I have become. I am now more confident, more resilient, and less anxious. I have learned more about how to control both my ADHD and anxiety and still get good grades (getting on the right meds helps, too). I have a major that I love, and I have a plan for my future. I still hang out with some of my friends from high school, and I have made many new ones as well. I have learned how to serve and be a good example to others, even when I feel like sleeping through all of my classes. I have learned how to better get along with people and how to compromise (this one is HUGE). even though I have stayed the same height since I was 14, I have grown emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

oh, and I also decided that maybe, being a solid brunette wasn't as fun as, you know, getting a little blonde melt in my hair.

when good things happen to you, but bad things happen to your friends

rejection is possibly the worst feeling that anyone has ever experienced. there is no other way to put it. we have all deal with it at some point in our life, and if you haven't, then you better watch out. because IT WILL SUCK. my life in high school has been full of great achievements, but it has also been filled with rejection. for a while, I felt like nothing good would ever happen to me after getting rejected from every program. every time. I was a junior in high school, and I had failed to make acappella choir (and all my friends did), I didn't get asked to Homecoming (and all my friends did), and perhaps the worst of all: I didn't even make JV tennis.

so, to get a more clear picture: I played both singles and doubles my sophomore year. it was my first year (I was living in Tokyo for part of my freshman year and missed tennis season), and pretty much, I was happy with whatever spot I could get. I was just grateful to play. but I really liked playing singles, and I made it my goal to make the JV team the next year and have a stable position. so, I practiced at least 2 hours every single day, playing in several matches and practicing with my mom and I even got a new coach, who was absolutely excellent. I worked on my serve, my groundstrokes, my net play, my footwork, everything. but when I showed up for tryouts, there were a bunch of new freshmen, and they were GOOD. but I still thought I could play, like, 3rd JV singles?
but after 2 days of playing matches, Coach all called us to the courts and read a list of Varsity players, and as expected, I didn't make it. then, she proceeded to read JV. I sat there, hoping the next name she called would be mine, but name after name, I began to question if I could make 3rd singles or even play doubles.
finally, Coach said: "and that's our JV team. the rest of you are our alternates. you will play in matches, depending on the size of the other team. but don't expect to be played very often."
so, what else do you do when all your friends are standing in a group, celebrating that they made Varsity and JV?
so you go and stand on your own,
and you leave all alone,
and you go home,
and you cry and you want to die

(side note: listening to The Smiths or Morrissey after getting rejected can either make you feel a lot better, or it will just make you cry even more).
so that's what happened to me. and it was really hard. and while I hated hearing, "oh, your time will come", it did. my senior year, I played as 3rd JV singles and played in every match and won around 90% of my matches. I had never felt better in my life.

but what if you were the one who did make the tennis team and you are celebrating your accomplishments (as you should be doing), but your moment of happiness is interrupted, and it was your friend who's name didn't get called, so she goes and stands on her own, and she leaves all alone, and she goes home, and she cries and she wants (hopefully not) to die? what do you do then? I mean, you know you deserved it, but you want to be a good friend.

so, without further ado, here is my guide to
when good things happen to you, but bad things happen to your friends: aka helping other people deal with rejection
(based on true experiences, experienced by me)

so, let's consider the following scenario. you are a senior in high school with nagging parents who threaten to disown you if you don't get into the best college in the state. it doesn't matter if your dad is a professor at this university or not; you have to try hard. and to get into this university, an ACT score higher than a.....(cough cough) 24 is recommended. (but there are always exceptions.) but you have ADHD and can't sit still for the life of you and you go in to take the test, and you studied and studied but it's the math section and ALL OF A SUDDEN, everything you ever remember learning about math just isn't there, and no matter how hard you search your brain, it cannot be extracted, and FINALLY you remember something and the--
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, 
No escape from reality. 
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see
I'M JUST A POOR BOY, I NEED NO SYMPATHY
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, (other side of brain) little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me
To me.
*(enter Freddie Mercury's first piano solo)*

and basically, the next 2.5 sections of the ACT are totally BSed because, well....your brain has shut off and basically the entire Queen Greatest Hits album is playing in your brain, among other ADHD cacophony. ANYWAYS......you are under pressure (there will be more Queen references, just to warn you) to get into this school and you have to take the ACT again because your nagging strict professor dad didn't like your first score, and Heaven forbid that you have a full schedule......with 4 YEARS OF MATH....as a SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL?! and in order to keep your grades up, you don't skip class with all your friends while they go get food and are having a good time without you. as a result, people stop asking you to hang out because you are "too boring" and "take senior year too seriously". but it will all pay off. because in a few months, an email comes from your Dream College and guess what it says?
YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then you go upstairs to tell your parents, and your 13 year old brother starts belting out "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE are the champions, my friends!" before you can even get one word to your parents. and once you do, they are very proud of you and everyone breaks out singing We Are The Champions. so then you celebrate. because YOU KNOW how hard you worked to get into this school. YOU KNOW the hours spent doing ACT prep, going to class while your friends skip and be punks, taking a math class instead of having a few free periods, and having to deal with ADHD and nagging parents at the same time. your friends text you, asking if you got in, and you say "YES" and then they reply "ME TOO!" and you all celebrate together because you all worked really hard to get to this point.

naturally, as any excited person who just got accepted to their dream college would, you then start texting your friends, assuming they will all celebrate with you. but then, one of your friends replies with a "No, I didn't get accepted. I don't understand....but congrats!" or even worse, this happens in person. because I (whoops, now I just blew it and now you know for sure this is a story about me, but you were probably smart and figured it out) am old-fashioned and still talk to people face to face.

oof. well, what do you do now? that's a tricky one.

1. give them a hug, and say "I'm so sorry." that's all you have to say. really, it is. being someone who has dealt with rejection, they probably don't want to hear anything else. if you want to be extra nice, maybe say, "I really wish both of us had gotten in", but it is a huge risk, because your friend might be extra sensitive and interpret it as "I got in, you didn't, and I really wish that both of us could get in, but I'm just reminding you that I'm better than you and I didn't." so you gotta be careful when you use that one.

2. do NOT say "I wish it was you and not me." unless your friend is a heartless wench, this doesn't make anyone feel better. it makes them feel worse. because 1. they probably realize how hard you worked and would want you to be happy, and 2. it's just awkward. just don't say that.

3. never, NEVER say "well, maybe something better will happen", "the Lord probably had a reason behind it", or "it's all part of the plan." this is the worst thing anyone could ever say. people would say that to me, and it would confuse me. if the Lord really loved me, then why would He make bad things happen to me? and what is this freaking "plan" you speak of? and for goodness sake, you have just been rejected. HOW CAN SOMETHING BETTER HAPPEN? and while many times, good times are ahead, your friend just isn't ready to hear that. instead of telling them that, let them experience their life so they can realize it themselves. which leads me to

4. if they want to vent, let them vent. be there to listen to them cry, scream, yell, swear, complain, everything. just be there. if you are ready, vent with them. and always reassure them of their great qualities. if they say something like, "but if you really think I am so smart/talented/pretty, then why didn't I get in?" just say, "I don't know. I'm so sorry. but you are amazing!" and give them more reassurances of their amazingness.

5. if they don't want to talk about it, then don't talk about it. give them their space. it isn't your job to keep them happy 1hunnit percent of the time if they don't want you to! if they want to talk but aren't ready to talk about getting rejected, then talk about other things. keep them distracted. when they are ready to talk, proceed to number 4.

6. never, never, feel guilty. you know how hard you worked, and your hard work paid off. just because the same thing didn't happen to your friend, does not mean that you need to feel guilty that it was you and not them. you should be happy for yourself! you are amazing, and don't you ever forget that! sure, it's okay to feel sorry for them. but you don't need to feel bad for yourself as well. of course, you need to have empathy. it makes you seem more genuine, and they will probably feel better. but being empathetic does not mean feeling guilty that you did something good!

7. EAT FOOD WITH THEM. because sometimes, you just need to eat your feelings.

so, I hope that can not only help you feel better if you get rejected, but also know what to do when that happens to one of your friends, siblings, or acquaintances. and if that was a lot to take in, just think, what would I want my friends to do if it was me who got rejected? I hope that will help you know what to say so that you can be a good, comforting friend. I wish all of you luck, and hope that good things will happen to you and your friends!

10 steps of having good times, most of the time

a lot of people tell me I am a very cheerful person. I'd like to think of myself that way, but sometimes, I slip up and am a real grump. a few of my friends ask me how I manage to stay happy most of the time. truth is, I don't even know myself, but I have a few things I do that have really helped me to be a lot happier than I normally would be this crazy junior year. so, I present you

The 10 Steps of having Good Times, (most of the time)

1. look good. when you look good, you feel good. and yes this means wearing makeup. even if it's just a little mascara, it still makes a huge difference. I know I probably don't look horrible without makeup, but I just feel like it enhances the way I look, and it makes me feel more confident. also, this means actually getting dressed. I know that leggings and sweatshirts are more comfortable than jeans or dresses or anything that requires "pants", and I do wear leggings and sweatshirts myself. but don't do it everyday. those outfits make me feel comfortable, but knowing I took the time to get myself dressed and look cute makes me feel a lot more confident and ready for my day. one of my friends asked me why I always look cute, and I said, "I just want to. looking good makes me feel good!"

2. don't eat a ton of crap. carrots don't taste like peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, and I think everyone knows that I would definitely prefer the latter. but eating junk food all the time doesn't make you feel good, and therefore, it doesn't make you happy. I'm not saying abandon it completely. It's something I would never be able to do. but cutting back and eating healthier just makes you feel good! so, do it.

3. make someone's day, every day. it's just a nice thing to do. give someone a genuine compliment. you have no idea how much it can make someone's day. I've had those rough days where I come to school with really wet hair and got 5 hours of sleep, and someone has given me a compliment, and it just makes the day a whole lot better. try it! (but don't give the same people the same compliments every day, because eventually, they might start to question your sincerity.) but if you compliment at least one person or do something else to make their day, just watch their reaction. I guarantee your day will be made as well!

4. develop passions and talents. I have played piano for 9-10 years, and it took a while before I decided I was really passionate about it. I had to switch teachers a few times and find songs that I truly enjoyed to play, and once I did that, I was hooked. a really musically talented friend of mine helped me push myself more and have real goals of where I wanted to be. I started practicing for longer, and I made it a routine. I finally found my passion after playing for about 7 years. they don't just come to you though. you have to work on them, but in the end, knowing that all that hard work has paid off is truly one of the greatest feelings. for you, it doesn't have to be piano. it can be art, a sport, cooking, anything, really. (as long as it isn't watching TV or doing drugs. those require no talent.)

5. exercise. for me, this is easy because going back to step 4, tennis is one of my biggest passions. whenever it is possible, I make my mom or a friend go down to the court with me and hit with me. not only am I getting exercise doing it, but I am also improving my talents, forming close friendships, and doing what I love to do! sometimes, I hate early morning conditions. but I still go to them, because the results will make me feel good in the end and I will be happier. in the winter, it is a lot harder for me because indoor courts are not available on demand. on those days, I just go to the gym and run on the treadmill. it definitely isn't the same thing, but I am getting some form of exercise, and that helps my wintertime depression in ways I never thought it would. finding motivation to exercise may not be the easiest, but make yourself do it. I promise. it's so good for you.

6. do what you want. because why would we waste our time doing what we don't want to do? (except for homework. for the sake of your grades and getting into college, do that.) I have an interesting story to go along with this. Sweethearts was last week, on Valentines Day. I didn't get asked to that dance, and I already knew who I wanted to ask to MORP, which is 3 weeks after. so, on the Monday before Sweethearts, I went ahead and asked! It is an unspoken social norm not to ask to a dance before another dance is over. well, I broke that rule. why? because I knew who I wanted to ask! did I care that my date has a girlfriend? well, maybe I did, but she's really nice. did that stop me from asking? NO! a few girls were not too happy that I broke 2 unspoken rules, and asked me "why did you ask so early? sweethearts hasn't even happened!" or "why did you ask him? he has a girlfriend!" well, it's because I knew I wanted to ask him, so I freaking did it! and did I care what people thought? no! and did he answer me 3 days later (still 2 days before Sweethearts)? you bet he did! so, this just proves that doing what you want makes you happy, and don't you ever let anyone stop you!

7. be confident! this is harder for some people, but I found that when I am confident in myself, I am a lot happier and it makes it easier for me to be nice to others. it's that simple. it's harder to be nice to people if you aren't nice to yourself! so, be nice to yourself. be confident. don't be too cocky, because you might come off the wrong way. but please, don't get down on yourself! just tell yourself, "I got this." and you will find that you do!

8. know that it's okay not to be happy all the time. some days, I just lose it. school is hard. friends are hard. there's no food in the house. it's cold outside. and in that case, it's okay to be sad. it's okay to cry. don't worry that you aren't being happy all the time. I'm definitely not that way! and yes, it's okay to have a bad week. that's happened to me. but remember, it's just a bad day. not a bad life!

9. don't care so much about what others think. because chances are, if you think they think a certain way, they are probably not even thinking about you at all! and if they judge you based on stupid things, they aren't worth your time. you're too good for that.

10. enjoy the good times. make them memorable. make the most out of them. enjoy them.

hope this helps.

temples, tours, elevators, and Elder Bednar

I could be really funny right now and say "this brings us to Part 5 of my trip to England!" but I cannot, as I have blogged the final stage already and have probably posted more than enough pictures. and England was 2 months ago. that's history, man. times have changed. and I have since done more adventurous and exciting things, such as....youth conference.

to be 100% honest with you all, the idea of youth conferences are not my favorite thing. but overall, they turn out to be a great experience. this was my 3rd youth conference, and they have all been completely different. the first one I went to at age 14 was of course, the once in a lifetime, potentially end of a lifetime experience of hiking mount Fuji in Japan. last years was the shooting range and the Manti temple pageant, oh and the ghetto bowling alley and kickball and horse poop. this years' youth conference will probably be known as the "time I......"
(I can't even give you a 1 sentence summary without giving it away. you're gonna have to read it. but this is amazing. one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life. and I've lived 16 great years. I've lived in Tokyo, I've gone to England, I've done some cool things. but this is up there on my top 10 experiences.)

we kicked the whole shindig off with a BBQ up in Provo Canyon on Thursday night. one of the leaders described it as a "giant family reunion". the whole stake was there. I live in Provo, Utah, land of the Mormons. my high school boundaries cover at least 10 different stakes. so, believe it or not, I have friends in not only different wards, but different stakes as well! I found it very interesting as I was explaining to my cousins in England that all my best friends are LDS, but they aren't all in the same ward as me! then they asked, "well, are they in your stake?" and I said, "my best friend is 2 stakes north of mine", and they thought it was absolutely crazy! well, this isn't Whitby, England. (see? I told you I would probably mention England at one point or another.) this is Provo, Utah.
and I hate to say it. but I don't even know half the people in my own stake. wards in Provo extend maybe about 4 blocks or so, maximum. my entire stake extends up to my grandma's house, which takes less than 5 minutes to drive to. it seems like such a small area compared to other stakes, and I don't even know half the people. so that was kind of weird. I remember complaining to my mom that I only had 3 friends in the entire stake (I was probably in a typical rebellious teenager pissy mood), but that was totally silly. I actually have quite a few friends, even though a lot of them are older than me. so, the canyon retreat was fun because I got to see a lot of my friends from other wards, and I even got to see my cousin Morgan, who happens to be in my grandma's ward! (and he is not related to my grandma, who is on my Mom's side. he is my grandpa Castle's sister's son, which is kinda complicated, making him a first cousin once removed. but still, it's a cousin.) we ate really good steak, played tons of games, and just had a great time. we returned to our own houses to pack for the next day, which was nice.

Alyssa, me, and Haley after doing baptisms at the Salt Lake Temple. phase 2 of the youth conference was doing baptisms for the dead. each ward in the stake was assigned a different temple in the Salt Lake valley (one ward was assigned to the far-away Provo temple, ha), and we were the lucky ones who got the Salt Lake temple! I have visited Temple Square many times, I have seen the temple from City Creek mall (perhaps my favorite place in all of Utah besides maybe Bear Lake), but I have never done baptisms there and I have always wanted to do that. what an amazing experience! the man at the front desk saw my name and immediately asked if I was related to Norm Castle. I said that he was my great uncle, my grandpa's brother. he asked my grandpa's name, and I said, "George Castle." he also knew my grandpa from Albuquerque! the dressing rooms were a lot more elaborate than the Provo temple, and much more elaborate than the Tokyo temple. (I'm not saying I don't love either of those temples; I do. but the Salt Lake temple was something else.) the baptismal font was beautiful. I had never seen anything like it. I had brought 3 family names with me, and actually got done pretty quickly with the baptisms and confirmations. much quicker than any visit to the Provo temple!

next, we went to the observation deck of some church office building and saw some really cool views of the temple and the capital building! we also toured the conference center, and ate lunch.

 the next phase was definitely the most memorable/spiritual experience for me. now, I knew that one of the 12 Apostles would speak to us. but I expected David A. Bednar to give us a great, but hard to sit through 2-hour talk. that's not even what happened.
the room in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building did not properly house all the youth of the stake, so Brother Roberts, one of the leaders in our ward, gathered 6 youth of our ward, including me, and invited us to sit on the stands with him, behind Elder Bednar. the only problems this posed: 1. I could not get up to pee without the whole stake watching me, 2. I could not see Elder Bednar's face, and 3. he could not see me. He started out the devotional by saying, "we talk too much in this church, and instead of talking at you, I want you to ask me questions." so, this wasn't even going to be a 2 hour talk; it would be a question-and-answer session. and I felt the strong impression to ask him a question. I mean, he was a general authority, and who knows if I would ever have the opportunity to ask a general authority a question again.
I raised my hand.
and he didn't see me.
but finally, a member of the stake presidency said, "behind you!" all the youth he previously called on were sitting in the audience, and someone would just pass a microphone to them. not me.
Elder Bednar said, "well, come on up here, by me!" I didn't know that he would CALL ME DOWN TO THE PULPIT. I thought I would just get a microphone handed to me. but no. so, I walk down to the pulpit, and I all of a sudden feel very nervous. Elder Bednar asks me my name, and I say, "Miriam Castle." and he looks right at me, and says, "well Miriam, it's nice to meet you." and he shook my hand.
HE SHOOK MY HAND.
David A. Bednar. An Apostle of the Lord. SHOOK MY HAND. and asked me my name. and answered my question.
wow.
I am still in shock of what happened. So, I went on to ask my question, which I probably shouldn't share on my blog because it was really personal and I wouldn't want the whole world reading it. but the response was just what I needed to hear. and I felt stronger than I ever have felt in my life, that this Church is true. Thomas S. Monson is a true prophet, and David A. Bednar is one of his Apostles. It was the most amazing meeting I have ever gone to.
some people think, "well if there wasn't a picture, it didn't happen." there were no pictures allowed at this meeting, but I promise that I am not making this up. I don't think I could ever imagine something like this in my head. it happened. It really did happen.
afterwards, we took a tour of Welfare Square, and then we went to our hotel. and to be honest, the Shilo Inn of downtown Salt Lake is not a place I would recommend staying in. major inconvenience number 1: the elevators. there were only 3 running elevators, and about 250 or so youth? maybe 300. but these elevators were the slowest things I have ever seen. it took about 10 minutes just to wait for an elevator and get up to our room. these elevators either skipped my floor, went all the way to the top, and went back down, or they would stop at every dang floor of the hotel. major inconvenience number 2: our continental breakfast was located in the bar. and it was literally served from a cart. and it wasn't even edible. major inconvenience number 3: i'll just stop here and skip to the next part.
the dance was pretty fun. I danced with actual boys. and there was actual dancing.
*Forrest Gump voice*: "and that's all I have to say about that.
Saturday was spent taking a tour of Temple Square. we had these really cute, foreign sister missionaries as our tour guides. they were also our tour guides at Welfare Square. they were really happy and shared their testimonies and it was great.
until we took the conference center tour. again.
by then, I was getting tired. tired of touring and walking around and being there with my stake. I wanted to go home and get some rest and see Justin, who had been gone at 5th Grade Camp all week and returned while I was gone. but no. we still had to do Ward Time, eat at Marley's, Provo Beach Resort, the end shindig, and the 3 hour testimony meeting on Sunday.
lunch was great, but I was tired. we headed back to Provo for PBR, but my leaders were so nice and drove me to my house first so I could drop off my suitcase and change into my swimsuit. Provo Beach Resort could've been better, if I didn't happen to almost kill myself riding the FlowRider, or the surf machine. I was on the boogie board for maybe 5 seconds. the strong "wave" knocked me off and shot me up to the top, with no boogie board. the board sailed in the other direction. I repeated this process about 10 more times, and bruised myself up pretty badly. GNARLY, DUUUUUUUUUDE. and I was so smart, I didn't even bring a change of clothes. so I just decided to call my mom and have her rescue me, because I had a really bad headache most of the day. I went home and showered and changed, and took a 2 hour nap. I finally woke up in time to go to the ending dinner. so, I didn't really miss out on too much.
then we had a wonderful 3 hour testimony meeting.

but really.
I MET DAVID A BEDNAR AND I SHOOK HIS HAND.
Guys. the church is true. it's 100% true. even if I may not do the best job of living all the principles, I know it is true. David A. Bednar said, "Living the gospel is easy. Not living the gospel is hard. It's hard to come back to it, once you have made certain choices that you think are easier than living the gospel."
and I know this is true. I've seen it happen. I've seen people make bad choices contrary to what we believe, and it really hurts to see them struggle.
guys. don't do stupid things. go to church. live the gospel. make good choices and you will find that it is much easier, than trying to repent of bad choices.
amen.

contemplation

lately, I've been thinking a lot about.... life.

in high school, teachers stress about getting good test scores so we can get the best grade we can and so we can get into a good school. they want to work us until we pretty much die.

I have attention deficit disorder. and I am in 4 honors classes. all which come with heaps of homework. this mentally and physically exhausts me, to try to pay attention every second of the lesson. it gets to the point where it's too much work for me, my brain can't function anymore, I go into freak out mode, and I just zone out. I'm not good at getting my homework done, either. I have so much of it, but there are so many things in life that I would rather enjoy. such as developing friendships, making cookies, playing tennis, playing piano (not practicing. just sitting and playing for my own enjoyment), shopping, going on drives...... but if I don't get all my homework done, there goes my future.

one thing I hate more than anything else is how the school counselors show up in our classrooms and make us fill out these career pathway forms and take little quizzes to get us started on thinking about our careers. but I'm only a sophomore in high school. I don't turn 16 for 57 more days. I can't think about my career yet. all I'm trying to do is get through my sophomore year. because I can't handle the stress of overthinking about my future. but the counselors get frustrated when I don't answer their questions. so, I've been thinking about it occasionally. all I know is that I want to go to BYU, and get a degree in something, and get married and have kids. but I feel like I have to get everything figured out because the counselors keep bringing it up.

I'm just a teenage girl trying to survive high school. I want to get good grades. I want to do well in tennis and piano and everything else. I am learning how to drive without hitting the curb when I back out of my driveway so I can get my license in 2 months. but my parents, wanting me to be tough and work for things, won't buy me a car unless I pay for it myself. I struggle to pay my monthly phone bill, so I can't even think about a car. I know that I have a lot of friends, both girls and boys. but I always feel like I'm the second choice friend. I like to appear cheerful and happy, and I truly enjoy making others happy. but sometimes, I have bad days. sometimes, things just get hard. and I'm unhappy. I cannot leave the house without doing my hair, putting on makeup, and color coordinating my outfits. this does not mean that I am insecure or think I'm ugly. I just feel the need to get myself ready because then I look better, and if I look better, then I feel better. truthfully, I feel lazy when I wear sweats and don't put on makeup. I look like I don't care about anything. at least if I look put together, then I feel like my life is put together. so please, don't tell a girl not to waste her time putting on makeup. because it just enhances things and makes us look better, it does not mean we are insecure or are hiding who we are!

so I've already mentioned this twice, but i'm almost 16. you know what this means. in the Mormon culture, dating isn't acceptable until the age of 16. but a lot of my friends (and I'm not saying they are bad people or anything) have already kissed at least 5 guys, some more than 10. they have had a few "relationships" that have lasted for less than 3 months. but they don't call this "dating." they call this "going out". they don't go to dances until they are 16 to live up to this rule.
let's take a look at me. most of my friends have already had their first kiss before they were 16. I haven't kissed anyone yet, because I made it a goal to wait until 16. but even after that, I don't want to kiss someone just to say "I've had my first kiss." I want to wait for the right moment, at the right time. but sometimes, I feel pressured to make the wrong choice, just to fit in with my friend group. I've never been in a relationship with anyone. I am really good friends with a lot of boys, and I find some of them very attractive. and I admit to really liking a few of them (never all at once), but I just don't feel the need to get in a relationship. I have watched it happen: a boy and a girl start out as friends, then they start liking each other, then they start going out, then they become a "thing." then, things get messed up and they aren't allowed to hang out with other people, drama arises, and one of them decides that they just don't want to go out anymore, they break up, and then neither of them talk to each other. they aren't even friends. it makes me sad. I just couldn't stand the idea of becoming really close with a boy, then going out with him, breaking up, and never talking again. I'm too scared of that happening. and it's a lot of commitment. I'm in high school. I want to enjoy life and not have to commit myself to one person all the time. I'm just not ready for that. I enjoy being friends with lots of boys, and having a few really close ones. it's a lot less drama that way, and I don't like drama.
now, don't get me wrong. I do want to go on dates. I want to eat food and go to movies and do fun things and have good times. but I just don't want a boyfriend. at least not yet. maybe I'll change my mind when I'm older. but it's just sad, watching lots of young girls get heartbroken over a boy. it may seem as if your life is in decline, and you will never see sunshine again. but really, that's a lot of commitment to make and it's just not worth it while you are supposed to be enjoying your life in high school.

and not getting too stressed about grades either. or the future.

it's a lot easier not worrying about things. not looking at the big picture. getting by, one assignment at a time instead of thinking about the huge final you have to take at the end of the year.

life is meant to be enjoyed. it's good to push yourself, but not to the point of stressing yourself out so much it ends up controlling your life and you go insane. do your best, and never stress.

try not to get too attached to one person. because that just messes everything up in the long run.

focus more on friendships with many people. you can have a few closer friends, and a best friend. that's good too. but it's good to get to know people.

be confident with yourself, and help others feel good about themselves too.

try not to please everyone, because it's impossible.

make someone's day, every day.

failure is an opportunity for improvement. it can be heartbreaking, but it's all just a big learning experience.

good music and tennis can fix everything.

good times.

the blogging game.

more than 3 years ago, when I first discovered blogging, I intended to use it as sort of a journal. I would blog about pretty much everything that was going on in my life: school, my friends, family vacations, personal thoughts, everything. and it was a lot more convenient than keeping a written journal. I found those things pointless. I mean, who the heck would sit down everyday and write
"today was a good day. the sun was shining. I went to school. I saw my friends. my classes were hard. I went to tennis. Tennis was fun. Then I did homework and practiced piano and ate dinner and talked to my family. It was a good day."
that just isn't in my nature. so, if I needed to share my feelings, I would go directly to the blog. eventually in 8th grade, I got a notebook that I specifically labeled "interactions with cute boys." because of course, who would blog about that? too awkward. but I still preferred blogging overall. this was especially useful when we were in Japan, because it was a fun and exciting way to document my experience.

then in my freshman year, I became very busy with homework and other things. there wasn't really anything exciting to blog about. but I still wanted some way to record my feelings that are too personal to blog about. so I found a notebook, decorated it, and wrote on the first page

"Miriam Elaina Castle- age 15, Freshman at Timpview High School. Journal Started: February 3, 2013.

I've been keeping journals since like the end of October in 8th Grade. I used to detest them. But I started to really like boys and I felt like I needed a personal place to write down my feelings about them, that no one could read except me..."  so then the journal entry goes on to describe a boy who had recently tickled my fancy. that was only the start. and yes, I did primarily write about that kind of stuff, going into great detail writing exact conversations, describing appearances, and things I liked about them. but pretty soon, it turned into exactly what I wrote on the inside page of the journal I am currently writing in.

"Miriam Elaina Castle- age 15, Sophomore at Timpview High School. Journal started September 1, 2013. (sound familiar?)

• for thoughts that I wish not to share with the world, but are too beautiful to stay inside my head, so they are to be written on paper and not for anyone else to read.
• for those times I need to reminisce.
• for those good, great, amazing experiences I wish to keep with me forever.
• for those teeny little details I wish not to forget.
• for the smallest things that make my days
• for those innermost feelings I need to get out of my system. 
• for long ramblings that make no sense.

so, because I have recently found a liking for journal writing, I have neglected blogging, in a way. sure, I would post in the summer, when we would go on vacations or about tennis tournaments. but hardly ever would I post my reflections of the meaning of life anymore. I had a new place for that. lately I haven't been doing very well at this blogging game. it is really time-consuming, and I hardly have any spare time now that I've gotten older. It just isn't the first on my priority list anymore. but because I assume people still read this thing, I will continue playing the blogging game. just not as frequently as I used to, and probably just the same old "what I am doing in my life" posts with pictures to go along with them, because I would love to keep you all updated about how I am doing. but yes, I have finally figured out how to write a journal, and make it fun, in a way. and when I am bored and have nothing to do (usually late at night), I find myself looking back on old journal entries, reminiscing on those good times. and it makes me very happy.

I feel like this post was totally pointless. I just wanted you all to know that I still exist, and I still blog. even though I have found a new passion for journals.

tennis REGION tournament

1. it seriously can't be October already. October is my favorite month, but really. this year's gone by wayyyyy too fast.
2. it is getting colder and I think we skipped this nice fall weather we are supposed to have because it's been raining and snowing ever since October came around. except today I did play some tennis with my mom and it was actually not cold.
3. I got my braces off. I don't really have any "before" pictures with my braces. mostly because they were bad. and most of the friends I have now, I met either in 8th grade or my freshman year, so they wouldn't even know what I looked like before the braces came. but after our relationship of 2 1/2 years, we finally broke up and they're gone.

4. Not too long after the braces came off, Wesley turned 13. What the heck. We have 2 teenagers in the house now. Wes is enjoying junior high. he isn't going to Centennial like I did or like Justin will in 2 years. Instead, he is doing a gifted and talented program at Provo High School with other gifted kiddos and they take advanced classes that aren't even available at Centennial. Personally, I would die, being at Provo High School (Timpview's biggest rival) with high schoolers and a bad football team and no friends and only gifted kids and high school homework and riding the bus everyday. but Wes is having a great time, because all his friends go there that he knew at CAS, the gifted and talented elementary school he attended. He likes his classes and is the only 7th grader in the high school play! they are doing Seussical, which is what I did at Centennial! he is a jungle animal and he is having lots of fun with it. he is also learning French Horn with the band and it sounds like a dying elephant.

picture from the summer. I still had my braces on. obviously. this kiddo keeps getting taller.

5. tennis season ended. I have a lot more time for homework and things. but am I happy that it's done? I don't think I am. (told you this post would lead up to tennis.)

I had a bit of a rough start to the season. I started out tryouts well, but it got more difficult along the way. the first 2 matches I played were doubles matches, and I was able to win one of them. that gave me some confidence for the rest of the season. I was doing really well at practice, but then I pulled a muscle in my right wrist, and I had to take some time off practice so it wouldn't get worse. then, I came back and I started to improve. I was actually doing really well. but I wasn't exactly winning my matches. in fact, I hadn't won any of my singles matches, even though I played really well. What usually happened was that my opponent and I would both kind of take turns winning and losing, but at the end, they were the harder fighter. it didn't bother me too much at first, because I knew I was doing everything right. all my serves were going in, I hit hard, I had topspin, my backhand soon became better than my forehand. but there was just one thing that I couldn't do right: winning. none of my losses were really bad. most of the time, I lost by 6-8 which is the closest you can get without having to go into a tiebreaker. but even though I knew that I was doing really well, I wanted to win. I was sick of losing all the time. 

at one of my home matches, I was having a horrible day. I had just lost to Springville the day before (again, it was 6-8, and one of the best matches I ever played), my classes were getting harder, both girl and boy drama was going on, and my very best friend and I weren't speaking with each other. some of my really good friends had tried to cheer me up, and I was happy for the time being, but that didn't last long. I didn't come with the mindset to play tennis, and there was a lot going on earlier that day and some of my teammates asked me what was wrong, and me being a total girl, just lost it, fell apart, and started crying in front of most of the team. the girls were all being really nice to me and encouraged me, telling me that I would do great in my match. I tried to think positive. I started off the match really well, but in the end, I was demolished. by a freshman. I don't even want to say the score. but I got really frustrated and nearly broke my racket. after that bad match, I knew I needed to get my act together and shape it up for regionals. 

but guess what. a lot more girls wanted to play singles, so all the JV singles players did challenge matches. I didn't win enough of them to get me a spot in singles. which means the one word I hate: doubles. I would finish out the tennis season that I had worked really hard at, playing doubles. not singles. and was I happy about this? you figure that out for yourself. my doubles partner and I had warmed up together, and played against each other, and I won every time. but we had never really had the chance to work together as a team. and I wanted to practice doing that with her, but our schedules just didn't work out that way. so was I terrified for regionals? OF COURSE I WAS. I, previously 3rd JV Singles who was much better than my record showed, a very inexperienced doubles player, would be playing doubles for the most important tournament of the season. what some people don't understand is that singles is very different than doubles. depending on the player, it can be harder or easier. for me, I like having the whole court to myself and not having to depend on someone else to hit shots on the other side of the court. there's a lot more shots you can take, and it's easier to score a point because you only have 1 opponent. dubs players disagree and say it's harder to cover the entire court yourself, and it's nicer to have a partner that can get to the shots that you can't. but for me, I can't just a passing cross-court shot and win the point, because there would be another player at that spot. I can't put it away at the net either, because there's a net player. and it's a lot more devastating to lose, because part of it isn't even your fault. you have a partner. That is a big change to adjust to, and I just didn't have enough time. but my partner, Megan, has been playing doubles for most of the season, and it suits her better than singles. so she was much more experienced at doubles than I was, and more comfortable. so that made me feel a little bit better. and her personality is just a lot more easygoing and relaxed, so when she loses, it's no big deal for her. she just accepts it, and life goes on. for me, I can only accept defeat if I feel like I played my best. if I didn't play my best, it's harder to accept. 

On Thursday, it was raining. and Megan and I played our first doubles match together as a team. it was clear that our opponents had experience as a partnership. Megan and I did not. Both of us weren't going for shots because we thought the other person would. it wasn't because we were bad players; it was because we just hadn't worked together before. but I was really frustrated, and as the game went on, I lost my form and hit it out, and I double faulted my serve (which rarely happens). finally, we had lost, 3-8. so I try to hide the fact that I could smash 10 rackets, shake my opponents hands, and tell them how well they did. Then, I just walk off, and try not to cry in front of my partner. as soon as I find my mom, I just start crying. not because I was mad at my partner. but because I was mad at myself. Like I said, losing doubles is a lot more devastating than losing singles. I had about an hour between my next match, so that gave me time to calm down. I talked with my mom and my other teammates, and I felt better. soon enough, Megan and I walked back on the tennis courts, this time with a lot more confidence.

I had played both the girls on the opposing team in singles matches with the city league over the summer, and had beaten one of them. with the experience of playing them before, I knew what their strengths and weaknesses were. and both Megan and I were doing 100 times better than we did in the first match. like Meg said, we just hadn't had the experience together, and it would be better the second time. both of us were going for more shots, and we kept our form and hit less into the net. the other girls would get frustrated, and hit the ball into the net. as a singles player, I didn't have to go into the net very often. but in this match, I was constantly at the net, smashing the ball at their feet. (so was Meg when it was her turn up at the net.) my backhand slices were coming back. I never double faulted. we still lost, but were we upset at all? NO. both of us had played our very best, and we made our comebacks. I had never been so proud of myself or my partner this entire season. that was the best we had ever played. so what if we lost? to me, as I said earlier, it matters more if I play well, than the final score. 

that was our last match of the Timpview Girls JV Tennis Season. Varsity won their region tournament, and will be playing in state this week. part of me wishes that I was there too, but who cares. the last match was amazing. I have become a much better player than I was at the beginning of the summer. I am not even the same person. even though I'm not exactly proud of my individual record, I know that I played my best, and I played really well. I have made soooooo many friends with all the girls on the team, and I am so glad to have such a good relationship with them. they are all very nice, and I would always look forward to practices and matches and working with them. I am so sad the season is over! I don't know what I will do for the rest of the year! Nothing to look forward to after school! But I will continue practicing every day with my mom or find some friends that will play with me. I already can't wait for next season. I want it to be as good, if not better, as this season!

 in between matches at Springville. Gabby (top right hand corner) looks like an alien. and the way I am looking at Emmaline just isn't okay.

 None of us look good here. BACK ROW: Vanessa, Libby, Annie, and Gabby. FRONT ROW: Lauren, Emmaline, and me.

 Emmaline wanted to send a group snapchat to everyone. (probably becasue she's the only one who looks good in it.) 2 seconds later, Annie's granola bar fell out of her mouth and into my hair. very nice of her. and the Mmeerrmiiee came from Merm, which came from my Jackson who is my favorite person, and until tennis, he was the only one who called me that. but I guess the nickname spread to the whole tennis team, and everyone calls me that. and I love it.

 Megan and me after our second match at regionals! believe it  or not, she's the freshman and I'm the sophomore. we did really well!

 and what is a tennis match without awkward racket poses?

Nothing can explain my love for tennis. even though "love" means "zero" in tennis. I just love tennis, ok? It is a major part of my life that I don't know what I would do without. 

tournaments, tryouts, & boys who beat me left handed

judging just from the title, can you guess what this post is about?

{if you said tennis, gold star for you!}

except for Sundays, and a few days we were on vacation, there hasn't been a day this entire summer where I have not played tennis. to start off my days, I would play for about an hour every morning with my mom. We would just do drills and hit together. this really helped me get ready for real practices with real people. (not that my mom isn't a real person.) it was also a really good time for us to talk to each other. this was one of my favorite parts of the day.

sometime in July, I had my last tournament with my city league. we did it at Mountain View High School in Orem, which is right by this fake stonehenge place. and of course my mom wanted to take my picture there. anyways, I played 5 different girls, all from Spanish Fork, and all close to my age. we just did a best of 3 games. first girl destroyed me, 3-0. second girl is one I have played before, and we were both doing really well. she won 1, I won 1, and the last game we were in deuce for a really long time. but I double faulted on match point. and I hardly ever double fault. Only when 1. it's windy, 2. I'm playing Jackson and he's teasing me, or 3. on the most important point of the game. so that was really frustrating. 3rd girl I beat 2-1, 4th I lost 1-2, and 5th I won 2-1. one of my strengths is because I'm short, people tend to underestimate me and think that I won't be able to get to their shots. but this is not true. I end up getting to the shots, returning them, and hitting them in the court. which can frustrate the other player. anyways, I think I did really well, even in the ones that I lost.

city league ended after that tournament, and I had a break for a while. so I just played with my mom. but at the beginning of August, Timpview tryouts began. everyone who tries out for girls makes it, but the tryouts help the coach know our strengths and what we are as players, and what spot to put us on the team. every morning, we had to be there at 7 to do 3 hours of conditioning: running, stretches, suicides, more killer stretches, some drills, more running, and trying not to die. the first day was really rough, but each day, it got easier. I was able to get 18 perfect serves in a row, which is my new record. every evening at 6, we would come back to Timpview and do 2 hours of matchplay. the first week, we did a round robin and I did really well. I won 7 games, and I only lost 4. I guess I kinda got a bit cocky and started thinking that I would get a really good spot on the team, and that I would win every game.

this did not go the way I expected. the next week, we started playing actual singles matches. the scores of these matches would be used to determine our placement on the team. so, because I was cocky and thought that I was going to win every game, I didn't really think too much about the way I was playing. this really came back to hurt me. the first match I had to play was someone who is a grade ahead of me, and I had beaten her once before and she had beaten me once, but I thought "well I beat her once, so I can do it again." I knew she was pretty good, but I still thought, for some reason, that I would be able to win. that's when karma comes in. as soon as I picked up my racket, I started freaking out in my head, and I had lost the first game of the match. I kept reminding myself that I could not lose. but as the match went on, I did worse and worse each game, hitting easy shots into the net, and just losing everything: my form, my serve, my topspin. It was like I had never played tennis in my life. I had forgotten everything. I kept trying to tell myself that I could win this point. I can take this shot. I know how to do this. I know this game. and then it hit me: I had just lost the match. 6-1. so of course I was a good sport and shook her hand and told her good game, told her how well she did because she was the one who actually played really well, while I played the worse I'd ever played. she talked to the coach while I got a drink. and when another player asked how it went, without warning, I just started to cry. I had felt so horrible about the way I had just played. when everyone was being nice and said things like, "oh, she's really good so don't worry" or "you did your best", that didn't help. I did not do my best. I did my worst. the whole time I was playing, I knew I could do better. I knew that I was messing up. I knew I was losing my form. and I tried, but I still missed shots. all because I got the whole picture in my head that I would win. that hit me hard. I have lost matches before, and from them I have learned what I can do better, and as a result, I usually do better in the next one. I know my strengths, and use them to my advantage. but if I get too ahead of myself, the result is devastating. and it was only my first game.

In my other games, I tried to improve and not have any more games like that. Some were really close and I did really well in, but I still ended up losing. after 3 days, I had only won 1 match. I guess, after that first match, I was too afraid to lose, and I would mess up. so my coach talked to me and gave me a break from playing all these singles matches, told me to focus on 1 point at a time and not the whole game, and not to think about things I've done in the past. but she said that if I continued not to do well, I would have to play JV Doubles instead of JV Singles. after hearing that, I tried my best in every drill, to show how bad I wanted to play singles.

to take my mind off of this hard week, I went up to my friend Jackson's and played a few games at his court. of course, being a 16 year old varsity boys player against a 15 year old JV girls player, he beat me 6-0. then he challenged to play me only using his left hand, while I could use my right hand. he still beat me, 6-0. but I actually scored some points. and we went into deuce a few times, which he of course won, even with just his left hand. finally, he challenged to play a 7 point game with his racket out in front of his chest the whole time. he could not swing, just block shots. and I could do what I wanted. that time, I beat him 7-1. this game is on the list of my proudest accomplishments. I beat Jackson in just 1 game. this is actually a pretty big deal. of course, he wanted to rematch and play 2 more games like that. and I did lose those, which is actually really pathetic. but both of us just really like winning, I guess. and he's the kind of person who would keep playing until he could beat me. even if it was something like a game where you couldn't even swing your racket. but this really helped take my mind off of things, and we both had lots of fun and I was able to calm down, and we were able to just talk about tennis and he gave me some advice on how to be a better player. since then, I have been getting back into the swing of things and made my comeback.

yesterday, I had my first match of the season! and I am on JV SINGLES! (I repeat, I am not on doubles.) except Wasatch High did not have any JV singles players at all, so all of us Timpview girls had to play doubles. Playing doubles is not one of my strengths. I have a really good serve that makes it in 90% of the time. I am not the best net player. and it's hard to communicate with a partner. me and my friend Raya partnered up and played 2 doubles matches. we lost the first, but it was my first time playing a real doubles match so I just considered that my "warm-up." we won the second one, which was the last match of the day, tying Timpview and Wasatch's JV teams, 5-5! our varsity team won, 4-1. it was a very good day for all of us, even the girls who lost.

 me and Gracie, one of my favorite freshmen in the world. and yes she's taller than me.

 and of course an awkward racket shot.

yes, I am on the timpview team. and our uniforms haven't come yet, and I was not on the team last year. so of course, I was the only one wearing purple and I stood out. but who cares.

anyways, now that I am on JV singles and had some experience playing doubles, I feel more confident in myself. I learned a really hard lesson last week, and now I know not to focus on beating your opponent in future matches, and just to focus on 1 point at a time. our coach says that we could go to state this year, and I believe it. GOOOOOO TIMPVIEW TENNIS! 

stand taller: girls camp and a wedding with very tall cousins

hate to say it like this. Girls Camp is probably my most dreaded week of the year, besides the last week of the term. as you probably know, I just really don't like camping. I don't care that we're in cabins. it's still like camping. there's still bugs. there's still dirt. it's a whole freaking week long. it's either really hot, or it's raining. and we always go to Mia Shalom, which is in a high altitude and people really do get altitude sickness up there. also, this was my first girls camp without my mom (I don't really count Japan because that was only 1 night. this one was 4 nights), and I admit to struggling with homesickness. it was kind of really embarrassing because there were these first year (12 year old) girls without their moms, and they showed no sign of homesickness. and we have me, age 15, who misses her mommy more and more everyday. and everyone knew. so it was really hard, even though I have friends. my hair was really greasy and smelled like fire. all I wanted to do was shower. and I don't think I slept at all. but oh well. I was not excited to go at all, but I knew that I was supposed to be up there and that it was the right thing to do, so we can't really argue with that.

the first day we just did crafts and intro to the theme, Stand In Holy Places But Stand A Little Taller. awkward because the only girl shorter than me in our ward is a 13 year old.

the second day, we did waterfront and all the really fun stuff. Camila and I matched. (unintentional.) the 2 of us and Sabrina had a really fun time splashing the poor little beehives and throwing water balloons at them. we got really soaked as well, but it was really fun. we went to workshops later, and those were pretty great. one of them talked about fighting like a girl, and how we have to fight to do the right thing in this world and make the right choice. we have to be prepared.

the day after that, I was really sick. at first, I thought I was dehydrated and so I thought that resting and drinking more water would help. it did, briefly. then we did yoga, and that helped me relax for about 15 minutes. but for the whole day, I just felt absolutely horrible. all I wanted to do was take a nap. but with the beehives being noisy upstairs, couldn't get any sleep in. I got dragged to a workshop about trials and how they can really strengthen us and help us come closer to the Lord. it was an excellent workshop, and I tried to focus on that, but it's hard when you feel like crap. to make it worse, there was some fancy stake activity where we sing to the trees. this one was different because one of the Priesthood leaders spent 250 hours constructing a replica of the Nauvoo temple. it looked amazing, and it was all lit up. and everyone seemed to be feeling the spirit. by then, I was really discouraged because we were all singing and usually, I feel the spirit through music. I love singing the hymns, it makes me feel happy. but nothing could bring me peace. I was praying the whole time, but I only felt worse. finally, I just decided that I had done all that I could, and that receiving a Priesthood blessing would be the best option at that point. but then, the closing hymn was The Spirit Of God, my favorite song. I started to feel a little better. so I talked to one of my leaders, got a priesthood blessing arranged, and we walked back to the pavillion and I was feeling a bit better. at the pavillion, there was a surprise. and this probably changed my night.
a few weeks ago, Wesley went to this thing called "Camp Iron Man", similar to girls camp but for boys ages 12-18. ok, they were more spoiled, they were closer to Provo, they got better food, and from what Wes told me, he had a blast. but while they were there, they filmed this video. (Wes appears in the large group around the chorus, wearing the red baseball shirt. I enjoyed his dance moves). and in case you don't know, I love One Direction. I'm not as obsessed as I was a year ago, but I still love them. a lot. enjoy.

I was really happy, and I felt a lot better! It changed my night, and I was more cheerful. then, I received a really amazing Priesthood blessing, giving me the strength to carry on and reminding me that I could finish out this girls camp. and I felt a lot better. so for a while, I was in this happy spiritual mood, but then the Beehives upstairs were putting on some beauty pageant and wouldn't be quiet. when it finally did get quiet, I heard a thumping noise by the window. I looked up, and this GORILLA was standing there, banging on our window. scared the crap out of all of us! the beehives didn't even see it, and they freaked up. we had to send Haley up to read them a story. after that, everyone fell asleep.

finally, on Friday, my mom and Haley's mom came up to do beauty bar. just what I needed. my hair was disgusting, and it was time to wash it. I felt so much better afterwards! we also had a workshop where someone brought their horse up and talked about bridling our passions or something like that. I was paying more attention to the horse. I feel really guilty.
then, we got letters from our parents and read them in personal scripture study. the one from my mom was really amazing. first, she talked about how much she loves playing tennis with me.  that's always a good thing, right? then she went on to say how the temple is a holy place, and how she and Dad have been married for 19 years, and that it is the only place to get married. all 3 of her brothers have been divorced (2 have since been remarried), and they have made choices that have kept them from going to the temple. because of these choices, they haven't been very happy with their lives. she went on about how I need to find a "Moroni Man" (see Alma 48:11-17). and that we need to get married in the temple.

I then realized how important the temple really was. I felt the Spirit so strongly, and decided that my goal is to find a Moroni Man, and to marry him in the temple. I bore my testimony about that, and I admit to bawling my eyes out. but really. I always knew that getting married in the temple was important, but now it is so much more important, and it is the only place where I want to get married.

now, here's some random pictures. and because I have neglected to do so earlier, I will throw in some pictures from Emily's wedding last week! she married Tyson Barnes in the Jordan River Temple on July 6, 2013.

Sabrina and me.... photo courtesy of Abby Miller

 the lovely pillowcase I made. I try to be all crafty and artsy, and the flower just didn't seem like enough. so I got the idea to put the Merm on the side (my friend Jackson gave me that nickname sometime last fall, and it has since stuck!), but the red puffy paint was having problems, I got a big red splat, and I made Haley turn it into a heart. oh well. we tried.

 my secret sister, Nicky, made me this cute pillow.

 and my favorite gift from her was the One Direction photos, of course!

 the beautiful sunset

 Brianna, Sabrina, Camila, and me

 our ward by the temple

some mother-daughter loving going on.

 Emily's wedding. my mom did my hair.

 me and Hannah. she is Tyson's niece, so we aren't related, but she was just too cute and she thought that we were going to be "new cousins!" she went to culdesac of fire with us, and she tells the craziest stories! her sister Aspen and I made fruit kabobs together for the luncheon afterward. such a cute family!

 aunt Nanette and me. and yes I'm taller than her.

 we tried to take a normal picture. but cousin Oliver was pinching me. and Matthew (who is my age) is way taller than the rest of us. so yeah. didn't work out.

 me, Mary, and Savannah- the 3 girl cousins. (Mary is 2 years younger than me. Everyone in her family is tall! I used to give her my old clothes, but now, she's taller than me. and I've stopped growing.)

 and here we have Wes, who is just an inch shorter than me.