when good things happen to you, but bad things happen to your friends

rejection is possibly the worst feeling that anyone has ever experienced. there is no other way to put it. we have all deal with it at some point in our life, and if you haven't, then you better watch out. because IT WILL SUCK. my life in high school has been full of great achievements, but it has also been filled with rejection. for a while, I felt like nothing good would ever happen to me after getting rejected from every program. every time. I was a junior in high school, and I had failed to make acappella choir (and all my friends did), I didn't get asked to Homecoming (and all my friends did), and perhaps the worst of all: I didn't even make JV tennis.

so, to get a more clear picture: I played both singles and doubles my sophomore year. it was my first year (I was living in Tokyo for part of my freshman year and missed tennis season), and pretty much, I was happy with whatever spot I could get. I was just grateful to play. but I really liked playing singles, and I made it my goal to make the JV team the next year and have a stable position. so, I practiced at least 2 hours every single day, playing in several matches and practicing with my mom and I even got a new coach, who was absolutely excellent. I worked on my serve, my groundstrokes, my net play, my footwork, everything. but when I showed up for tryouts, there were a bunch of new freshmen, and they were GOOD. but I still thought I could play, like, 3rd JV singles?
but after 2 days of playing matches, Coach all called us to the courts and read a list of Varsity players, and as expected, I didn't make it. then, she proceeded to read JV. I sat there, hoping the next name she called would be mine, but name after name, I began to question if I could make 3rd singles or even play doubles.
finally, Coach said: "and that's our JV team. the rest of you are our alternates. you will play in matches, depending on the size of the other team. but don't expect to be played very often."
so, what else do you do when all your friends are standing in a group, celebrating that they made Varsity and JV?
so you go and stand on your own,
and you leave all alone,
and you go home,
and you cry and you want to die

(side note: listening to The Smiths or Morrissey after getting rejected can either make you feel a lot better, or it will just make you cry even more).
so that's what happened to me. and it was really hard. and while I hated hearing, "oh, your time will come", it did. my senior year, I played as 3rd JV singles and played in every match and won around 90% of my matches. I had never felt better in my life.

but what if you were the one who did make the tennis team and you are celebrating your accomplishments (as you should be doing), but your moment of happiness is interrupted, and it was your friend who's name didn't get called, so she goes and stands on her own, and she leaves all alone, and she goes home, and she cries and she wants (hopefully not) to die? what do you do then? I mean, you know you deserved it, but you want to be a good friend.

so, without further ado, here is my guide to
when good things happen to you, but bad things happen to your friends: aka helping other people deal with rejection
(based on true experiences, experienced by me)

so, let's consider the following scenario. you are a senior in high school with nagging parents who threaten to disown you if you don't get into the best college in the state. it doesn't matter if your dad is a professor at this university or not; you have to try hard. and to get into this university, an ACT score higher than a.....(cough cough) 24 is recommended. (but there are always exceptions.) but you have ADHD and can't sit still for the life of you and you go in to take the test, and you studied and studied but it's the math section and ALL OF A SUDDEN, everything you ever remember learning about math just isn't there, and no matter how hard you search your brain, it cannot be extracted, and FINALLY you remember something and the--
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, 
No escape from reality. 
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see
I'M JUST A POOR BOY, I NEED NO SYMPATHY
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, (other side of brain) little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me
To me.
*(enter Freddie Mercury's first piano solo)*

and basically, the next 2.5 sections of the ACT are totally BSed because, well....your brain has shut off and basically the entire Queen Greatest Hits album is playing in your brain, among other ADHD cacophony. ANYWAYS......you are under pressure (there will be more Queen references, just to warn you) to get into this school and you have to take the ACT again because your nagging strict professor dad didn't like your first score, and Heaven forbid that you have a full schedule......with 4 YEARS OF MATH....as a SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL?! and in order to keep your grades up, you don't skip class with all your friends while they go get food and are having a good time without you. as a result, people stop asking you to hang out because you are "too boring" and "take senior year too seriously". but it will all pay off. because in a few months, an email comes from your Dream College and guess what it says?
YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then you go upstairs to tell your parents, and your 13 year old brother starts belting out "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE are the champions, my friends!" before you can even get one word to your parents. and once you do, they are very proud of you and everyone breaks out singing We Are The Champions. so then you celebrate. because YOU KNOW how hard you worked to get into this school. YOU KNOW the hours spent doing ACT prep, going to class while your friends skip and be punks, taking a math class instead of having a few free periods, and having to deal with ADHD and nagging parents at the same time. your friends text you, asking if you got in, and you say "YES" and then they reply "ME TOO!" and you all celebrate together because you all worked really hard to get to this point.

naturally, as any excited person who just got accepted to their dream college would, you then start texting your friends, assuming they will all celebrate with you. but then, one of your friends replies with a "No, I didn't get accepted. I don't understand....but congrats!" or even worse, this happens in person. because I (whoops, now I just blew it and now you know for sure this is a story about me, but you were probably smart and figured it out) am old-fashioned and still talk to people face to face.

oof. well, what do you do now? that's a tricky one.

1. give them a hug, and say "I'm so sorry." that's all you have to say. really, it is. being someone who has dealt with rejection, they probably don't want to hear anything else. if you want to be extra nice, maybe say, "I really wish both of us had gotten in", but it is a huge risk, because your friend might be extra sensitive and interpret it as "I got in, you didn't, and I really wish that both of us could get in, but I'm just reminding you that I'm better than you and I didn't." so you gotta be careful when you use that one.

2. do NOT say "I wish it was you and not me." unless your friend is a heartless wench, this doesn't make anyone feel better. it makes them feel worse. because 1. they probably realize how hard you worked and would want you to be happy, and 2. it's just awkward. just don't say that.

3. never, NEVER say "well, maybe something better will happen", "the Lord probably had a reason behind it", or "it's all part of the plan." this is the worst thing anyone could ever say. people would say that to me, and it would confuse me. if the Lord really loved me, then why would He make bad things happen to me? and what is this freaking "plan" you speak of? and for goodness sake, you have just been rejected. HOW CAN SOMETHING BETTER HAPPEN? and while many times, good times are ahead, your friend just isn't ready to hear that. instead of telling them that, let them experience their life so they can realize it themselves. which leads me to

4. if they want to vent, let them vent. be there to listen to them cry, scream, yell, swear, complain, everything. just be there. if you are ready, vent with them. and always reassure them of their great qualities. if they say something like, "but if you really think I am so smart/talented/pretty, then why didn't I get in?" just say, "I don't know. I'm so sorry. but you are amazing!" and give them more reassurances of their amazingness.

5. if they don't want to talk about it, then don't talk about it. give them their space. it isn't your job to keep them happy 1hunnit percent of the time if they don't want you to! if they want to talk but aren't ready to talk about getting rejected, then talk about other things. keep them distracted. when they are ready to talk, proceed to number 4.

6. never, never, feel guilty. you know how hard you worked, and your hard work paid off. just because the same thing didn't happen to your friend, does not mean that you need to feel guilty that it was you and not them. you should be happy for yourself! you are amazing, and don't you ever forget that! sure, it's okay to feel sorry for them. but you don't need to feel bad for yourself as well. of course, you need to have empathy. it makes you seem more genuine, and they will probably feel better. but being empathetic does not mean feeling guilty that you did something good!

7. EAT FOOD WITH THEM. because sometimes, you just need to eat your feelings.

so, I hope that can not only help you feel better if you get rejected, but also know what to do when that happens to one of your friends, siblings, or acquaintances. and if that was a lot to take in, just think, what would I want my friends to do if it was me who got rejected? I hope that will help you know what to say so that you can be a good, comforting friend. I wish all of you luck, and hope that good things will happen to you and your friends!