I then remembered that it was the last Saturday in January.
the day when all School of Music applicants who passed the pre-screening round get to perform their full audition in front of judges. this day determines the future of music majors, and it is a scary one.
and then I thought, "this could have been me today."
this is my second year in a row avoiding the fateful "last Saturday of January". I have applied to the BYU school of music 2 years in a row, for 2 different programs, and I got rejected the first round both times. meaning they looked at my application, watched my prescreening video (piano performance) and listened to my portfolio (commercial music/production), and weren't impressed enough to let me advance to the live audition round. it's the fate that most BYU School of Music applicants face the first time. and to be honest, I expected it both times. and to be honest, I was pretty relieved when I got the email saying that "unfortunately, we were not able to accept you into any of our programs this time. Please consider reapplying again in the future."
the first time, I cried a bit. not because I wanted to get into the piano performance program and that it broke my heart, but because I spent all my free time practicing the piano, getting wrist tension, practicing even more because "1-2 hours a day isn't going to cut it when you're a music major, you will need to find time for at least 4 hours a day", wanting to be done because I felt like I was doing a good job, but "not good enough to make the performance program at BYU, where people really spend all their free time practicing at least 4 hours a day already". and I had really started to hate the piano. but it was too late to hate the piano. I had decided at the beginning of high school that I wanted to be a music major, and I couldn't just stop the application process. but I was sad because I wish I had realized sooner that I just wasn't cut out to be a performance major. my ADHD and well-roundedness would not allow me to sit in a cramped practice room for 4+ hours every day AND do homework in my free time AND have friends. my fingers and wrists are a lot smaller than the average piano performance major, and going too fast can lead to tendinitis. but the problem was, I had played piano for so long that I didn't know what else I would major in. I didn't like anything else enough to devote my entire college experience to it. so I cried for about 2 minutes, not because of disappointment, but because of regret. all those hours I spent practicing for an audition that I didn't even want to do could've been spent doing what regular high school seniors were doing, like going to football and basketball games, hanging out with friends, and figuring out what else I like to do besides play piano and play tennis (and you can't major in recreational tennis).
then, I heard about the commercial music and production program, and I was excited about it. this program sounded a lot more relaxed than the piano performance program. in fact, as far as I knew, I would only have to play piano for my audition to prove that I was accomplished at a musical instrument. I would be learning how to produce music, write songs, be a sound engineer, and maybe produce something halfway as iconic as Bohemian Rhapsody. (that song was part of the reason I chose that major.) I met once a week with my mom's friend, Becky, to learn how to produce music. and that part was awesome. Becky is awesome. Becky knows her crap. she knows about all kinds of music, and I'm pretty sure I listen to music a lot differently now than I did before I started working with her. we worked on recording and producing a portfolio for me. one original song and 2 covers, all different arrangements. that part was fun. but then, I learned more about the program. and it was déjà vu. didn't know I was still expected to practice piano at least 20 hours a week in order to get into (and stay in) the program. and I was taking piano lessons my first semester, and I only had time to practice 3 hours a week, tops. AND they reject most of the people who apply. and I was only learning how to produce music. the people who were getting accepted were those who had been working on it for YEARS. those who had been playing with GarageBand since 4th grade. not a girl who literally learned how to synthesize with a MIDI keyboard 3 months ago. and I wished that I had started it a lot earlier. but this was something I was excited to learn about. but I hadn't learned enough. and then I realized that most music majors don't graduate in 4 years. it takes about 5-6, even without serving a mission. and I didn't want to be in college for 6 years, taking 1 credit classes that I probably wouldn't even enjoy, and practicing piano 20 hours a week.
about halfway through my first semester at BYU, I had a "major crisis". I just didn't know if being a music major was very realistic, but I didn't know what else I would do. I had already put in so much work, and I couldn't let it go to waste. I still had to apply. but what would I do if I got in? didn't get in? and how would I explain this to people? I tried to talk about my frustration with my friends and family, but a lot of people said, "well, you're so musically talented, I don't know how they wouldn't accept you." thank you, but THIS DOES NOT HELP. then I would have to explain just how competitive the BYU school of music actually is, and believe it or not, there are 14 people who are more talented than me. 14 more people who work harder than I do. this isn't saying I don't work hard- I do. but just not music major level hard.
"but if you love something so much, why can't you make it your whole life?" because I wasn't sure if I even loved music that much. in fact, there were points when I didn't think I loved music at all.
"but you can always try out again! third time's the charm, right?"
not for someone who wants to GRADUATE IN A TIMELY MANNER.
"but most freshmen don't even have a major picked out!" I AM NOT MOST FRESHMEN. I am getting my degree IN FOUR YEARS. and I don't want to spend more money on school than I have to. college is expensive, and even though my parents are helping me out a lot, I don't want to spend more than I have to. especially if I do get into the School of Music, and then realize that I hate being a music major.
and my personal favorite: "well, why didn't you start earlier?" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I wasn't raised in a nazi music family. my parents wanted all of their children to have some piano experience so that they could play the hymns in church. I just happened to be really good at it, so I kept taking lessons all through high school, and I loved playing classical music. but it wasn't my life. I also played tennis, and during tennis season, I probably spent at least twice as much time playing tennis as I did practicing. and no, I definitely wasn't good enough to play in college, but it was a hobby that I loved. it distracted me from piano and school and real life. it felt good to run around and hit things. just typing this makes me nostalgic. but I was one of those people who was good at everything but the best at nothing. I just had too many hobbies and interests.
and I realized, to be a music major, you have to be good at music AND ONLY MUSIC (ok, that's not completely true, but you have to be 110% devoted). you have to live, breathe, and sleep piano/music production. and there's no rule for this, but it is highly preferable that you don't have ADHD.
whoops.
back to my first semester of college. I was pretty upset. why did I have to go through the School of Music application twice? let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more inadequate than that application. and they still saved my letters of recommendation for piano performance. I thought I would be able to redeem myself, but nope. much like the piano performance application process, I felt very unsettled, and I prayed to know what to do, but I still felt unsettled. but this time, I was even more angry. when I first decided I wanted to do commercial music, I felt GOOD about it. I felt HAPPY. but now, I am feeling unsettled again. why do I have to go through this twice? it sucked enough the first time. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I had other alternatives, but none of them felt right, and I still had to turn in the application. and that was just weird, because I hoped they would like it, and I tried my best, but I knew that there was a 99% chance I wouldn't get in. I wasn't being pessimistic, I was being realistic. the school of music audition process is grueling. even people who get accepted would agree with me. and if not, then your life isn't hard enough.
I was having a really tough time overall during that semester. all my friends were either on missions, in high school, or turning in their mission papers. sure, I had other friends, but...in college, everyone is busy, and they make new friends, and I was supposed to make new friends, but it was HARD. I am the only girl in my family, and living with 5 other girls is just about as different from living with 2 brothers +20 of their friends can get (plus, I didn't know any of my roommates prior to moving in, and they were all pretty quiet and reserved). I failed my first midterm exam, and I couldn't remember failing any test that wasn't in geometry or pre-calculus. to sum it all up, one of my dear teammates, Annie, wrote me this from her mission:
"I'm not gonna lie to you, my fall semester was hard and I had a little bit of an identity crisis. I guess I had just hung out with the same group of people my whole life and then I was thrown into a mass of friends who didn't know me and I kinda forgot who I was. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Remember how awesome and cute and involved you were in high school? Be like that in college. I was that stupid freshman in college who walked around with her headphones in and was too nervous to look around and be friends with people. don't be like me. Be fun, crazy, exciting, smart charismatic Merm and love every second of college."
sorry, Annie, but that happened to me. I had an identity crisis. but then I figured that it was a normal thing. I realized that most people I talked to were either undeclared, or they were "PRE-nursing", "PRE-management", "PRE-music", etc. I was surprised that it was a normal thing for a freshman to be unconfident about their major. I have anxiety and one of the things that scares me the most is uncertainty. I couldn't be that "undeclared" major. I had to know what I was doing ALL THE TIME. but I wasn't. and I was scared.
but somewhere in that first semester, I thought about other things I liked to do. I thought about my strengths and weaknesses. I am an extrovert. I would rather be around people all day than in a recording studio or a practice room. I am strong-willed, and I don't like being told what to do all the time (and to be in the music industry, you have to kiss up to a lot of people). I taught piano in high school, and I loved helping those students learn how to play. I was pretty firm with them and didn't tolerate their "I was too busy playing video games" excuses. my favorite classes in high school were not the music classes I took, but history, geography, and psychology. I TAed for an AP world history class my junior year in high school, and I loved helping the students, grading their papers, and I might've been a bit too blunt with them, but I realized how much I loved history.
and I decided that I would make a freaking good teacher.
I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that if I didn't get accepted into the school of music, I could change my major to history teaching. I told my friends about my plans, and they were all very supportive and told me that I would make a freaking good teacher. I told my favorite teacher from high school, my AP world history one, and she got so excited that I would be doing the same thing. and for the first time in college, I felt confident in myself and my future.
the first Tuesday of January 2017, I got my rejection email from the school of music.
I read it, yelled out "HELL YEAH! I AM FREE!" and submitted a request to change my major.
I am currently a social science teaching pre-major at BYU. this means I can teach geography, economics, maybe government (not sure), psychology, and HISTORY. next semester, I will get fingerprinted and background checked and do a teaching observation class, and then I will OFFICIALLY be a teaching major. I get to take classes like anthropology, abnormal psychology, economics, United States history, ancient civilizations, and all these other classes that I wouldn't have had time for had I been a music major. I am a lot happier than I have been since I started college. I have learned that it's ok if I don't know what I'm doing all the time, and that IT IS NORMAL to go through an identity crisis. it is all part of growing up. and boy, is it tough, but it's good for you. even though I initially felt regret after applying to be a music major, it has taught me so much. it taught me that it's okay to change your mind, and that in the moment, I won't always know what's best for me. I have to rely on faith in the gospel that everything will work out, even if it isn't in the way I expect it to. and not only do I have a greater appreciation for music majors and all the hard work they do, I have a huge appreciation for teachers as well. and believe me, I wouldn't have learned any of it had I gone into college as a declared teaching major.
and most of all, I am so grateful that I wasn't one of those petrified girls walking in and out of the HFAC on audition today, and that I was watching A Man for All Seasons instead.
the first time, I cried a bit. not because I wanted to get into the piano performance program and that it broke my heart, but because I spent all my free time practicing the piano, getting wrist tension, practicing even more because "1-2 hours a day isn't going to cut it when you're a music major, you will need to find time for at least 4 hours a day", wanting to be done because I felt like I was doing a good job, but "not good enough to make the performance program at BYU, where people really spend all their free time practicing at least 4 hours a day already". and I had really started to hate the piano. but it was too late to hate the piano. I had decided at the beginning of high school that I wanted to be a music major, and I couldn't just stop the application process. but I was sad because I wish I had realized sooner that I just wasn't cut out to be a performance major. my ADHD and well-roundedness would not allow me to sit in a cramped practice room for 4+ hours every day AND do homework in my free time AND have friends. my fingers and wrists are a lot smaller than the average piano performance major, and going too fast can lead to tendinitis. but the problem was, I had played piano for so long that I didn't know what else I would major in. I didn't like anything else enough to devote my entire college experience to it. so I cried for about 2 minutes, not because of disappointment, but because of regret. all those hours I spent practicing for an audition that I didn't even want to do could've been spent doing what regular high school seniors were doing, like going to football and basketball games, hanging out with friends, and figuring out what else I like to do besides play piano and play tennis (and you can't major in recreational tennis).
then, I heard about the commercial music and production program, and I was excited about it. this program sounded a lot more relaxed than the piano performance program. in fact, as far as I knew, I would only have to play piano for my audition to prove that I was accomplished at a musical instrument. I would be learning how to produce music, write songs, be a sound engineer, and maybe produce something halfway as iconic as Bohemian Rhapsody. (that song was part of the reason I chose that major.) I met once a week with my mom's friend, Becky, to learn how to produce music. and that part was awesome. Becky is awesome. Becky knows her crap. she knows about all kinds of music, and I'm pretty sure I listen to music a lot differently now than I did before I started working with her. we worked on recording and producing a portfolio for me. one original song and 2 covers, all different arrangements. that part was fun. but then, I learned more about the program. and it was déjà vu. didn't know I was still expected to practice piano at least 20 hours a week in order to get into (and stay in) the program. and I was taking piano lessons my first semester, and I only had time to practice 3 hours a week, tops. AND they reject most of the people who apply. and I was only learning how to produce music. the people who were getting accepted were those who had been working on it for YEARS. those who had been playing with GarageBand since 4th grade. not a girl who literally learned how to synthesize with a MIDI keyboard 3 months ago. and I wished that I had started it a lot earlier. but this was something I was excited to learn about. but I hadn't learned enough. and then I realized that most music majors don't graduate in 4 years. it takes about 5-6, even without serving a mission. and I didn't want to be in college for 6 years, taking 1 credit classes that I probably wouldn't even enjoy, and practicing piano 20 hours a week.
about halfway through my first semester at BYU, I had a "major crisis". I just didn't know if being a music major was very realistic, but I didn't know what else I would do. I had already put in so much work, and I couldn't let it go to waste. I still had to apply. but what would I do if I got in? didn't get in? and how would I explain this to people? I tried to talk about my frustration with my friends and family, but a lot of people said, "well, you're so musically talented, I don't know how they wouldn't accept you." thank you, but THIS DOES NOT HELP. then I would have to explain just how competitive the BYU school of music actually is, and believe it or not, there are 14 people who are more talented than me. 14 more people who work harder than I do. this isn't saying I don't work hard- I do. but just not music major level hard.
"but if you love something so much, why can't you make it your whole life?" because I wasn't sure if I even loved music that much. in fact, there were points when I didn't think I loved music at all.
"but you can always try out again! third time's the charm, right?"
not for someone who wants to GRADUATE IN A TIMELY MANNER.
"but most freshmen don't even have a major picked out!" I AM NOT MOST FRESHMEN. I am getting my degree IN FOUR YEARS. and I don't want to spend more money on school than I have to. college is expensive, and even though my parents are helping me out a lot, I don't want to spend more than I have to. especially if I do get into the School of Music, and then realize that I hate being a music major.
and my personal favorite: "well, why didn't you start earlier?" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I wasn't raised in a nazi music family. my parents wanted all of their children to have some piano experience so that they could play the hymns in church. I just happened to be really good at it, so I kept taking lessons all through high school, and I loved playing classical music. but it wasn't my life. I also played tennis, and during tennis season, I probably spent at least twice as much time playing tennis as I did practicing. and no, I definitely wasn't good enough to play in college, but it was a hobby that I loved. it distracted me from piano and school and real life. it felt good to run around and hit things. just typing this makes me nostalgic. but I was one of those people who was good at everything but the best at nothing. I just had too many hobbies and interests.
and I realized, to be a music major, you have to be good at music AND ONLY MUSIC (ok, that's not completely true, but you have to be 110% devoted). you have to live, breathe, and sleep piano/music production. and there's no rule for this, but it is highly preferable that you don't have ADHD.
whoops.
back to my first semester of college. I was pretty upset. why did I have to go through the School of Music application twice? let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more inadequate than that application. and they still saved my letters of recommendation for piano performance. I thought I would be able to redeem myself, but nope. much like the piano performance application process, I felt very unsettled, and I prayed to know what to do, but I still felt unsettled. but this time, I was even more angry. when I first decided I wanted to do commercial music, I felt GOOD about it. I felt HAPPY. but now, I am feeling unsettled again. why do I have to go through this twice? it sucked enough the first time. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I had other alternatives, but none of them felt right, and I still had to turn in the application. and that was just weird, because I hoped they would like it, and I tried my best, but I knew that there was a 99% chance I wouldn't get in. I wasn't being pessimistic, I was being realistic. the school of music audition process is grueling. even people who get accepted would agree with me. and if not, then your life isn't hard enough.
I was having a really tough time overall during that semester. all my friends were either on missions, in high school, or turning in their mission papers. sure, I had other friends, but...in college, everyone is busy, and they make new friends, and I was supposed to make new friends, but it was HARD. I am the only girl in my family, and living with 5 other girls is just about as different from living with 2 brothers +20 of their friends can get (plus, I didn't know any of my roommates prior to moving in, and they were all pretty quiet and reserved). I failed my first midterm exam, and I couldn't remember failing any test that wasn't in geometry or pre-calculus. to sum it all up, one of my dear teammates, Annie, wrote me this from her mission:
"I'm not gonna lie to you, my fall semester was hard and I had a little bit of an identity crisis. I guess I had just hung out with the same group of people my whole life and then I was thrown into a mass of friends who didn't know me and I kinda forgot who I was. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Remember how awesome and cute and involved you were in high school? Be like that in college. I was that stupid freshman in college who walked around with her headphones in and was too nervous to look around and be friends with people. don't be like me. Be fun, crazy, exciting, smart charismatic Merm and love every second of college."
sorry, Annie, but that happened to me. I had an identity crisis. but then I figured that it was a normal thing. I realized that most people I talked to were either undeclared, or they were "PRE-nursing", "PRE-management", "PRE-music", etc. I was surprised that it was a normal thing for a freshman to be unconfident about their major. I have anxiety and one of the things that scares me the most is uncertainty. I couldn't be that "undeclared" major. I had to know what I was doing ALL THE TIME. but I wasn't. and I was scared.
but somewhere in that first semester, I thought about other things I liked to do. I thought about my strengths and weaknesses. I am an extrovert. I would rather be around people all day than in a recording studio or a practice room. I am strong-willed, and I don't like being told what to do all the time (and to be in the music industry, you have to kiss up to a lot of people). I taught piano in high school, and I loved helping those students learn how to play. I was pretty firm with them and didn't tolerate their "I was too busy playing video games" excuses. my favorite classes in high school were not the music classes I took, but history, geography, and psychology. I TAed for an AP world history class my junior year in high school, and I loved helping the students, grading their papers, and I might've been a bit too blunt with them, but I realized how much I loved history.
and I decided that I would make a freaking good teacher.
I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that if I didn't get accepted into the school of music, I could change my major to history teaching. I told my friends about my plans, and they were all very supportive and told me that I would make a freaking good teacher. I told my favorite teacher from high school, my AP world history one, and she got so excited that I would be doing the same thing. and for the first time in college, I felt confident in myself and my future.
the first Tuesday of January 2017, I got my rejection email from the school of music.
I read it, yelled out "HELL YEAH! I AM FREE!" and submitted a request to change my major.
I am currently a social science teaching pre-major at BYU. this means I can teach geography, economics, maybe government (not sure), psychology, and HISTORY. next semester, I will get fingerprinted and background checked and do a teaching observation class, and then I will OFFICIALLY be a teaching major. I get to take classes like anthropology, abnormal psychology, economics, United States history, ancient civilizations, and all these other classes that I wouldn't have had time for had I been a music major. I am a lot happier than I have been since I started college. I have learned that it's ok if I don't know what I'm doing all the time, and that IT IS NORMAL to go through an identity crisis. it is all part of growing up. and boy, is it tough, but it's good for you. even though I initially felt regret after applying to be a music major, it has taught me so much. it taught me that it's okay to change your mind, and that in the moment, I won't always know what's best for me. I have to rely on faith in the gospel that everything will work out, even if it isn't in the way I expect it to. and not only do I have a greater appreciation for music majors and all the hard work they do, I have a huge appreciation for teachers as well. and believe me, I wouldn't have learned any of it had I gone into college as a declared teaching major.
and most of all, I am so grateful that I wasn't one of those petrified girls walking in and out of the HFAC on audition today, and that I was watching A Man for All Seasons instead.
