twenty.

hello, friends. this month, I celebrated my 20th birthday. to be completely honest, it was a pretty weird birthday. I spent my morning observing my favorite world history teacher at my old high school as part of one of my education classes. back when I was in high school, word got out quickly that it was my birthday. people I didn't even know would say "Happy birthday, Miriam!" to me. in 2015, this teacher (the one I was observing) made an announcement on the intercom that it was my 17th birthday. and I hope this doesn't sound completely narcissistic, but I liked the attention. I have never been one to hide in the background and blend in. even though I was (and still am) 5 feet tall, I made sure that my presence was noticed. I had a lot of friends, and every year on my birthday, a large group of them would come to my house and grab some wonderful dessert made by my mother. I loved my birthdays.

on Tuesday, I purposely showed up 15 minutes after the tardy bell because I did not want to be mistaken as a student. after all, I was here to observe my favorite history teacher as a practicum assignment for one of my classes, not loiter on my old stomping grounds. after I parked my car in the Visitor's Parking lot, I saw a lady who appeared to be running late. I held the door open for her, and she said, "thank you so much, even though you are probably already 15 minutes to your first class! what grade are you in? what class do you have right now?"
"oh, you're welcome. and I'm actually not a student here. I graduated 2 years ago. I am a teaching social science major at BYU"
"oh, so how old are you?"
"20"
"you look really young for a 20-year-old...and don't worry, you'll be grateful when you are my age!"

I thought about the last time I walked into Timpview High School (besides this one time last year when I was visiting this same teacher and a few of my friends who were seniors at the time). I was the same height as I am now. I blasted Bohemian Rhapsody on my way to school. I went out to lunch with a few of my best friends on the tennis team. I was devastated that Roger Federer pulled out of the French Open due to injury. I was excited to start BYU, but I was definitely going to miss high school. I would miss my social life, going to In-N-Out after football games, making quesadillas with my friends at my house for lunch, Great Harvest runs, and so much more. I thought I was going to be a commercial music major and one day bring classic rock back into the mainstream. I maybe wanted to minor in history. I was not looking forward to BYU not having any caffeine on campus. I was very excited, but also very anxious.

and boy, I was a very different person than I am at 20 years old.

yes, I am still the same height as I was back then. yes, I still blasted Bohemian Rhapsody in my car on the way to school. yes, I still love classic rock music and want to maybe someday bring it back into the mainstream. yes, I still have a lot of the same friends, but we don't see each other as much. some are serving missions, while others are attending different universities. even the ones who attend BYU with me aren't seen very often, because college can take over your life. but even though I thought I had it all with an amazing social life (and truth is, I still miss it sometimes), I have become a much better, stronger person.

I got rejected from the BYU Commercial Music program and decided that I wanted to do something that I love, which is sharing what I'm passionate about with other people. I declared my major as Teaching Social Science in winter of 2017, and officially entered the program in the fall. I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and that I can help so many people in the process, whether it be by teaching them history, listening to them, or even just being a friend. I have learned so much about history, geography, psychology, teaching others, and teaching myself. I still enjoy eating out, but instead of going to In-N-Out after football games, my friends and I will go after our shift is done, and we can't stay all night because I have a crap ton of economics homework to do. BYU has caffeine on campus now. Roger Federer is in the final round of the Australian Open this year. he won TWO GRAND SLAMS since he pulled out of the French Open in 2016.

anyways.

as weird as it is walking into your old high school and getting mistaken as a student multiple times (yes, this incident did happen a few more times), I am very proud of the person I have become. I am now more confident, more resilient, and less anxious. I have learned more about how to control both my ADHD and anxiety and still get good grades (getting on the right meds helps, too). I have a major that I love, and I have a plan for my future. I still hang out with some of my friends from high school, and I have made many new ones as well. I have learned how to serve and be a good example to others, even when I feel like sleeping through all of my classes. I have learned how to better get along with people and how to compromise (this one is HUGE). even though I have stayed the same height since I was 14, I have grown emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

oh, and I also decided that maybe, being a solid brunette wasn't as fun as, you know, getting a little blonde melt in my hair.

"teacher, it's NOT a phase!"

IMAGINE THIS:

you are in second grade. you aren't even 8 years old yet. you are sitting at your desk, cutting each INDIVIDUAL LETTER of your spelling words out and gluing them to a piece of paper. sounds fun, right? this should be easy. I mean, these are easy spelling words, and there are only 5 of them. these aren't the crazy hard "advanced bonus spelling words" that your teacher makes you do because you're so smart. and since we are, you know, in second grade, we should be able to cut and glue the letters down without a problem, right?
except for whatever reason, you can spell the word "Fahrenheit" but you just CAN'T CUT OUT THE LETTERS OF THE WORD "cousin" AND GLUE C-O-U-S-I-N ON A PIECE OF PAPER. it exhausts your brain. but, since you are so smart, you are supposed to be done by now. this is embarrassing. how do you get out of this?
well, you already went to the bathroom an hour ago. but maybe, maybe you need to go again.
"Teacher, I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
"didn't you just go an hour ago?"
"I HAVE TO GO AGAIN! I have a really small bladder!"
".....okay. please hurry back. and PLEASE do not go again today."
you run outside the classroom. you run into the bathroom. the teacher was right. you didn't even need to go. but hey, you aren't cutting and pasting. then, somehow, you end up running a lap around the whole school. you come back in the classroom.
you try and cut and glue letters again, but UH-OH. you're stumped.
you just cut your whole paper to pieces and throw it away.
and for the 12th time, your teacher says, "I just don't understand how you are reading at a 4th grade level, but you just can't do this simple task."

fast-forward 12 years. you are in college. you like college because you are able to pick your own classes (for the most part) and what time you have them (for the most part). you are studying something that you actually enjoy, and you aren't cutting or gluing anything.
except, the one class you have to take to start your major classes is 4 hours long. every day.
and you can't miss anything, because it is all important information.
so you try and sit still and be mature and focused, but after 30 minutes in, you start to get restless.
1 hour: you are squirming and fidgeting in your seat, resembling the one 9th grade boy that your fellow teaching majors like to make fun of as being the "bad" kid.
2 hours: the teacher asks the class if they need a break. everyone gets a drink, runs to the bathroom. this, for you, is the best part of the class.
but shouldn't you be enjoying this? after all, this is the class you have to take to get into your major.
2.5 hours: you are ready for another break. nope. your teacher starts another powerpoint about the methods of teaching high school. THIS. IS. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. FUN!
3 hours: teacher asks if we need a break. then she answers her own question and says, "no, we don't have time."
3 hours 15 minutes: OH NO. you start kicking your desk.
3 hours 20 minutes: are you, an almost-20-year-old, throwing your pencil on the ground and picking it up again...on PURPOSE?
3 hours 25 minutes: you start talking to the person next to you. BUT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT CLASS DISCIPLINE, RIGHT?!
3.5 hours: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHSDFOIUSFDJLFSDJ:DFJLKFD J:
4 hours: your brain is fried. never mind the fact that you have 2 other classes. you are DONE. you will never graduate college. you will never become a teacher. you can't even sit still for 30 minutes.


and that, my friends, is how attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder works.
it's not "just a phase".
it's not an excuse for bad parenting.
it's not something you can, you know, outgrow.
and yes, it can still affect you as an adult.
but, I mean, besides the inability to sit still for long periods of time and pay attention, you are filled with high amounts of energy, so it doesn't completely suck.
and, as a teacher, it will help me better relate to my students.
I will never make them do tedious work, like cutting and gluing things all day.
so yes, I am very grateful for my ADHD.

let the extroverts be extroverts

for the longest time, I never understood how it was so hard for some people to just take initiative and start a conversation. sure, it wasn't the easiest thing for me, either, but I felt comfortable enough doing it that I felt like people expected me to do it 100% of the time.

I never understood why certain people never contributed anything to group discussions. I remember asking one of my friends why she wasn't sharing her opinion in a group meeting that she had shared with me in private. she said, "oh, because I don't like sharing. I figured you would do it."

I never understood why some people would rather just stay at home and watch TV instead of go to a football game.

and most of all, I never understood how hard it was for me to keep quiet. to not share my opinion. to stay under the radar. to blend in. 

and to be honest, it is still a hard concept for me to grasp. but what is even harder for me to understand is that some people think that because I am comfortable initiating conversations and leading discussions, that I am completely fine with doing it all the time. that I could care less what they think.

and that is not true at all.

I have seen many posts going around social media about how being an introvert among extroverts is exhausting and how introverts need to be understood more. and believe it or not, I can say the same thing about extroverts. and since you introverts are so good at listening to other people, I have something to say:

IF YOU WANT EXTROVERTS TO UNDERSTAND YOU, IT DOESN'T WORK UNLESS YOU PUT FORTH AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND THEM, TOO!

this doesn't mean that I think that the solution is for everyone to become less or more introverted/extroverted than we already are and be at a happy medium. I'm saying that we need both introverts and extroverts in this world. each has strengths and weaknesses that are crucial in working together. but I personally feel like there are several misconceptions about extroverts that need to be addressed. so without further ado...

common misconceptions about extroverts: by me, your favorite extrovert.

I have taken a few different forms of the Myers-Briggs personality test. I had to take a written version for my AP psychology class in high school, and I got ESTJ (extroverted-sensing-thinking-judging). when I started college, I wanted to see if I had changed since high school (because many people talk about how their personality changes every time they take the test), and I was still an ESTJ. finished my freshman year, still ESTJ. what's interesting is that all 4 of my letters are usually around or above 70%, which means my personality is pretty set. ok, last time I took it I was 69% judging, but that's the closest I've ever gotten to any other letter. and what's even more interesting is that my level of extroversion is always around 90% or higher. but I am a human being. in addition to being highly extroverted, I also have ADHD and sometimes, I can get over-stimulated and I need a little break from people. I need to sit down for maybe 5 minutes and go through everything I have to do, and then I can go back to being social again. but no matter how extroverted someone appears to be, at the end of the day, even we need our own down time. I just need less of it than you do. and when I have too much down time, I get restless.

I am the oldest in my family. I have 2 younger brothers and no sisters. I never shared a room growing up. because of this, I grew accustomed to having some privacy. but for me, that meant studying with my music on, reading out loud to myself, inviting a friend in my room to quiz me on terms that I needed to memorize for a test, taking a 10 minute power-nap, etc. when I wake up, I have to turn on loud music to get me motivated to get out the door. and sometimes, I really do need time to decompress, like I said in the last paragraph. so I do understand the value of personal space. however, I hate being completely ignored. my freshman year of college I moved into an apartment with 5 girls (remember, I only have brothers so living with the female gender for me is like living on a different planet) that I had never met. being the outgoing person that I am, I thought that at least one of them would click with me. guess what. none of them did. I was an extrovert living in an apartment full of introverts. I thought that because I have introverted friends, my roommates would come around sooner or later. and yes, some did, but some never did, even after living with me for 2 whole semesters. sharing a room with an introvert definitely taught me more about the value of personal space. it definitely helped me grow as a person. after we got to know each other, I really ended up liking my roommate a lot. there were also times where I felt like I couldn't be myself in my own apartment. I felt like every time I walked into the room that I shared just to grab my backpack or something, I had popped my roommate's personal bubble. I knew that I didn't have to be best friends with my roommates, but when I tried to get to know them, it felt painful at times. I genuinely was interested in finding out about them, but when I asked them questions, they would either give me one-word answers or not respond at all. I felt like I couldn't even talk without getting glared at for disturbing the peace. but what was extremely difficult was watching them all click with each other but not with me. I was the extrovert here! I am supposed to be the expert at making friends! but I wasn't, and it hurt. 

if you want to make friends, there has to be a mutual understanding. 

there has to be compromise. if I am talking to you and genuinely trying to get to know you, you don't have to tell me your whole life story. but just try and make an effort. if it seems like I am taking over a whole conversation, it is likely because no one else is contributing and I feel awkward. 

I've heard people say that "people who talk a lot like people who listen a lot". yes, this is true. but it has to be a two-way street. I suck at analogies, but here is one: I play tennis. sure, there are ways to practice tennis by yourself, but the whole game is about hitting the ball back and forth over the net. the only way to practice this is either against a wall, or with another person. if only one person is returning the shots while the other one just stands on the other side of the net and observes, nothing is accomplished. if we take turns and focus on keeping the ball in play, both people are able to learn consistency. but if I just go for winners every time and only hit kill shots, preventing my opponent from even touching the ball, then I did everything and they did nothing. and I do not like that. if I'm doing all the talking, I learn nothing about the other person. if I do all the listening, they learn nothing about me. and in the end, no one grows. 

another misconception is that extroverts aren't sincere. I guess the fact that we will talk to anyone and the fact that we tend to have large groups of friends doesn't make us genuine? WRONG. I am a very honest, sincere person. when I give compliments, I mean them. my love language is words of affirmation, meaning that I show my love through verbal support. in turn, it means a lot when people take the time out of their day to say hi, have a conversation with me, or give me a compliment. WE DON'T ALWAYS TALK JUST TO TALK! in fact, let's go back to the basics that I learned in my high school psychology class:

an extrovert is one who gets energy from being around people. keeping all their thoughts and emotions inside is more stressful for them, and they release it by talking or being active. this doesn't mean that they have no concept of personal space, but they feel better when they are being socially active.

an introvert is one who gets energy from being alone. when they are by themselves, they can process their thoughts and emotions easier than they can when they are around other people. they also tend to prefer to express themselves through writing than verbally. this doesn't mean that they hate being around people or that they are too shy to make friends. this just means that they need more down time.

and of course, there are exceptions, but if extroverts truly didn't enjoy talking to people and being around them, THEN WE WOULD ALL BE INTROVERTS. case closed.

I admit, both extroverts and introverts have their weaknesses. yes, I can be pretty loud and energetic and I can see how it can overwhelm people. I am known for being blunt and insensitive. I don't fly under the radar. I like to take charge, but I hate being told what to do. I am very self-confident, but that can be mistaken as arrogance. and I admit, sometimes I can be a bit arrogant. but sometimes I feel like introverts can be a bit arrogant because they pride themselves in being quiet, independent, deep thinkers who don't need friends. and maybe for some people, that's true. but the way to understand people is to give them a chance. I've had many people tell me, "when I first met you, you came off a bit strong and overwhelming. but now that I've gotten to know you, I know that you are genuinely interested in getting to know people, you are confident in yourself and want others to be confident too, and you are a great friend. I'm glad I gave you a chance instead of allowing myself to be scared or intimidated by you." again, GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE.

finally, think about how it makes you feel when someone says, "be more outgoing!" or "don't be afraid to speak up!" or "just go out and make more friends!" 

now, is it any different from "just be less noisy!" or "no one cares, just shut up!" or "you should spend more time studying and less time partying!" or "just try blending in for once!" 

no. it's not.

not all extroverts are scary. not all introverts are socially awkward. if you want to be understood, make sure you are also making an effort to understand those around you. the more we learn about each other, the more we grow.

PS BYU FOOTBALL STARTS ON SATURDAY. if you need me, I'll be at the game. if you're staying home to binge-watch Netflix, I truly hope you have a good time.

on taking care of yourself and getting help

over the years, I have seen many inspiring posts on social media about personal experiences with mental illness or psychological disorders. I always love reading these posts because it takes a lot of bravery to talk about personal struggles, especially those of mental illness. and believe me, I know how hard it is to talk about it. I still am not completely comfortable using the term "mental illness" to describe myself. I prefer the term "psychological disorder" because I don't like to think of myself as "sick" or "ill", I feel better looking it as something "out of order". and speaking of disorders, I have 3:

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD),
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD),
and
seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

I've generally been open about my ADHD. for one thing, it's the most obvious. if you've ever read my blog and noticed how my thoughts jump from one thing to another in no organizational manner whatsoever, this shouldn't surprise you. and I mean, it's even more obvious when you try and have a conversation with me. if I say anything witty or funny at just the right time, just know I didn't spend any time thinking of it. it just came out. that's how my ADHD works, and it can be pretty fun. but it's not fun when I forget what I'm talking about mid sentence, or when I so very courteously interrupt in the middle of a story. or when I'm making dinner, but I forget that I'm making dinner and I remember that my laundry is done, and then on my way to get my laundry, I forget where I'm going and I grab a Diet Coke, and then I come back to my food, and my pasta is boiling over. now, I know this happens to everyone occasionally, but it happens to me a lot. but the point is that I've dealt with ADHD for a long time; I'm the most familiar with it, and it's not hard to notice it, so I can literally say "I have ADHD" to someone and they will usually be like, "oh ya, so that's why you do (any of my ADHD traits)!" and I'm just like "yep!"

but sometimes, it's hard to really talk about it. yes, I can casually mention that I deal with it, or make a joke about it, and people will understand (or pretend to). but when I was a junior in high school, I had to make a presentation about it for my psychology class, and it was hard talking about it in front of all those people. then when I was a senior and took AP psychology, I had to do another presentation about it, but this time I had to do a "case study". and that case study, of course, was me. (and to be honest, it was kinda weird.)

so, after my incredibly long introduction, here is my story. it's not inspirational like all the other posts about mental health, because...ya know. it's me, raw and unfiltered.

I can't remember any time of my life where I haven't made a stupid impulsive decision, or spoke my mind and hurt someone's feelings without meaning to. my parents thought it was "just a phase" and that I would learn not to walk up to people on the playground and take their shovel away that they were digging in the sandbox with. I would mature and learn not to blurt out the first answer that popped into my head in class. but in second grade, my teacher noticed that I had to go to the bathroom a lot, and by a lot, I mean like 4-5 times a day, I would ask to be excused. most of the time, I wouldn't even have to go. I was just tired of sitting in class all day, so when I asked to go to the bathroom, it gave me the opportunity to MOVE. but around this time, I was starting to have stomach aches and be nervous about lots of things that 8 year olds aren't normally nervous about. and I won't go into detail here, because it's pointless and I don't want to talk about it, but they were stupid things. so my parents started to think that I had anxiety, but hoped it was still a phase.

in fourth grade, however, I was still as impulsive as ever and got sent to the principal's office on 3 different occasions, but the only story worth telling is the time I chucked a ball at this girl's face and yelled "BULLSEYE!" and didn't apologize. why I did it, I don't even know. but my parents weren't as concerned about this as they were about my anxiety. I was afraid of so many things that it was making everyday life hard for me. so they took me to see a counselor. but they didn't tell me why I was going to see a counselor, and I was frustrated with them. why did I have to talk to this dude once a week about my life, my motives, and what made me scared? it wasn't helping. and then, I got a diagnosis. it wasn't anxiety, but it was what I thought was "80-HD", like some kind of new TV screen.

(now, imagine how shocked I was when I learned that it meant that I just had a really hard time focusing like a normal person, and that I do stupid impulsive things like throw balls at peoples' faces for no apparent reason.)

long story short, I was medicated and I still had anxiety, but after switching ADHD meds and maturing, the anxiety lessened. I mean, it was still there, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be. or, I just ignored it.

all during this time, I was a lot grumpier in the wintertime. I didn't get excited for Christmas like normal people did, and it wasn't because I hate presents and Christmas music and Jesus's birth, the only 2 reasons I could think of were: all you do is sleep all day, and winter sucks and it's a miserable time. I was more tired, I was less motivated, I had more headaches, I was more anxious, and I cried more. when I was in high school, I got diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which made total sense as to why I was a lot more SAD (hahahahaha GET IT?!) during the winter, and that it was correlated with the lack of sunlight I was receiving. I was told to spend more time around light, take Vitamin D supplements, and exercise regularly.

back to the rest of the story. I took psychology my junior year of high school, and when we learned about anxiety, I felt grateful to know that that part of my life was over. or so I thought. I had unexplained chronic muscle tension, I was a lazy perfectionist (but a perfectionist nonetheless), I always had to drive myself to activities because I was worried that my friends would either be late or forget to give me a ride (or that they would get lost), I hated making plans with other people because I had to know exactly what we were doing and when, and if I ever thought about all the things I needed to do, I would sometimes have a nervous breakdown and just avoid doing it. I wasn't adjusting well to change. whether I liked it or not, the anxiety was back.

but I still told myself that it was no big deal. nothing was a big deal. I'm just a regular person on ADHD medication who also has anxiety and seasonal depression but can manage it by myself. I kept on telling myself that everything was fine. I didn't want help. my father always told me to be tough, and if I were to ask anyone for help, I didn't feel like I was being tough. and since I was going to college, I needed to be an adult. I wasn't living with my parents anymore, and I needed to take care of myself. I told myself that all these feelings of anxiety and emotional breakdowns would go away once I started college.

guess what? THEY DIDN'T! I was still having breakdowns! almost every time I would go home and talk to my mom, I would just cry and not want to go back to my apartment, but I had to. things started looking up once I changed my major, but then I entered one of the coldest, snowiest, darkest, most miserable Januaries I had ever experienced, and the seasonal depression took a nose dive. I was having a hard time motivating myself to do anything, and even though my life was going pretty well, I was just sad. finally, I called my doctor and set up an appointment. I ended up getting a special "happy light" that specifically helps with SAD, a stronger prescription of Vitamin-D supplements, and (finally) a real diagnosis for GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder.

at first, I was really upset because this meant more meds and it was suggested that I start seeing a therapist to manage the anxiety. and during this whole time, I told myself that I didn't need a therapist, I was strong enough. but then, I realized.

I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

and in some situations, taking anxiety medication and going to a therapist is taking care of myself.

this doesn't mean that I'm not strong enough to manage myself. this doesn't mean that I'm not mentally or emotionally capable of managing myself. because I am still managing myself. I just need to take medication to do that, and by going to a therapist, I can learn even more about managing my anxiety, which will only help me later in life.

and the fact that I'm doing all this at age 19 is actually pretty incredible. I am so grateful that I am learning this now instead of waiting until later in life when I'm even more stressed out.

so, if you read the whole thing, congrats. I'm sorry, this was long. and yes, my ADHD meds wore off and I started rambling and getting off-topic, but expect nothing less.

but, if you are feeling anxious enough that you don't think you can control it, GET HELP.

if you are feeling depressed enough that you don't think you can motivate yourself on your own every day, GET HELP.

if you are CONSISTENTLY (I said consistently) having trouble focusing and getting anything done, making stupid impulsive decisions, and/or are not able to sit still during class and need to take a break and run around the building every day, GET HELP.

there is NOTHING embarrassing about it. it's a good thing. it means that you are taking care of yourself.

I am definitely not perfect, nor will I ever be. I will always have ADHD, GAD, and SAD. and it is hard to accept, but it is definitely manageable. and holy crap, I am grateful for medication. I am grateful for doctors. I am grateful for Vitamin D. I am grateful for therapists. I am grateful that I have all these resources to help me TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

(also, go read this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

LOVE YOU ALL.

the day I would've auditioned.

today I had to wake up earlier than usual on a Saturday. I had to watch a movie for my history class that morning, so I woke up, showered, got dressed, ate a protein bar, and walked from my apartment to the Joseph F. Smith Building, the building in which I will be spending most of my remaining semesters of college in. it is the headquarters of the College of Family, Home and Social Sciences. I enjoyed the movie. It was about Sir Thomas More who refused to annul King Henry VIII's first marriage and said the King could not be the head of the church. after the movie, I walked back to my apartment. but as I walked past the HFAC, the building where all the music, dance, theater, and other fine arts majors live in, I noticed a lot of young looking people were walking in and out. many of them were with their families, and a lot of them looked terrified.

I then remembered that it was the last Saturday in January.

the day when all School of Music applicants who passed the pre-screening round get to perform their full audition in front of judges. this day determines the future of music majors, and it is a scary one.

and then I thought, "this could have been me today."

this is my second year in a row avoiding the fateful "last Saturday of January". I have applied to the BYU school of music 2 years in a row, for 2 different programs, and I got rejected the first round both times. meaning they looked at my application, watched my prescreening video (piano performance) and listened to my portfolio (commercial music/production), and weren't impressed enough to let me advance to the live audition round. it's the fate that most BYU School of Music applicants face the first time. and to be honest, I expected it both times. and to be honest, I was pretty relieved when I got the email saying that "unfortunately, we were not able to accept you into any of our programs this time. Please consider reapplying again in the future."

the first time, I cried a bit. not because I wanted to get into the piano performance program and that it broke my heart, but because I spent all my free time practicing the piano, getting wrist tension, practicing even more because "1-2 hours a day isn't going to cut it when you're a music major, you will need to find time for at least 4 hours a day", wanting to be done because I felt like I was doing a good job, but "not good enough to make the performance program at BYU, where people really spend all their free time practicing at least 4 hours a day already". and I had really started to hate the piano. but it was too late to hate the piano. I had decided at the beginning of high school that I wanted to be a music major, and I couldn't just stop the application process. but I was sad because I wish I had realized sooner that I just wasn't cut out to be a performance major. my ADHD and well-roundedness would not allow me to sit in a cramped practice room for 4+ hours every day AND do homework in my free time AND have friends. my fingers and wrists are a lot smaller than the average piano performance major, and going too fast can lead to tendinitis. but the problem was, I had played piano for so long that I didn't know what else I would major in. I didn't like anything else enough to devote my entire college experience to it. so I cried for about 2 minutes, not because of disappointment, but because of regret. all those hours I spent practicing for an audition that I didn't even want to do could've been spent doing what regular high school seniors were doing, like going to football and basketball games, hanging out with friends, and figuring out what else I like to do besides play piano and play tennis (and you can't major in recreational tennis).

then, I heard about the commercial music and production program, and I was excited about it. this program sounded a lot more relaxed than the piano performance program. in fact, as far as I knew, I would only have to play piano for my audition to prove that I was accomplished at a musical instrument. I would be learning how to produce music, write songs, be a sound engineer, and maybe produce something halfway as iconic as Bohemian Rhapsody. (that song was part of the reason I chose that major.) I met once a week with my mom's friend, Becky, to learn how to produce music. and that part was awesome. Becky is awesome. Becky knows her crap. she knows about all kinds of music, and I'm pretty sure I listen to music a lot differently now than I did before I started working with her. we worked on recording and producing a portfolio for me. one original song and 2 covers, all different arrangements. that part was fun. but then, I learned more about the program. and it was déjà vu. didn't know I was still expected to practice piano at least 20 hours a week in order to get into (and stay in) the program. and I was taking piano lessons my first semester, and I only had time to practice 3 hours a week, tops. AND they reject most of the people who apply. and I was only learning how to produce music. the people who were getting accepted were those who had been working on it for YEARS. those who had been playing with GarageBand since 4th grade. not a girl who literally learned how to synthesize with a MIDI keyboard 3 months ago. and I wished that I had started it a lot earlier. but this was something I was excited to learn about. but I hadn't learned enough. and then I realized that most music majors don't graduate in 4 years. it takes about 5-6, even without serving a mission. and I didn't want to be in college for 6 years, taking 1 credit classes that I probably wouldn't even enjoy, and practicing piano 20 hours a week.

about halfway through my first semester at BYU, I had a "major crisis". I just didn't know if being a music major was very realistic, but I didn't know what else I would do. I had already put in so much work, and I couldn't let it go to waste. I still had to apply. but what would I do if I got in? didn't get in? and how would I explain this to people? I tried to talk about my frustration with my friends and family, but a lot of people said, "well, you're so musically talented, I don't know how they wouldn't accept you." thank you, but THIS DOES NOT HELP. then I would have to explain just how competitive the BYU school of music actually is, and believe it or not, there are 14 people who are more talented than me. 14 more people who work harder than I do. this isn't saying I don't work hard- I do. but just not music major level hard.
"but if you love something so much, why can't you make it your whole life?" because I wasn't sure if I even loved music that much. in fact, there were points when I didn't think I loved music at all.
"but you can always try out again! third time's the charm, right?"
not for someone who wants to GRADUATE IN A TIMELY MANNER.
"but most freshmen don't even have a major picked out!" I AM NOT MOST FRESHMEN. I am getting my degree IN FOUR YEARS. and I don't want to spend more money on school than I have to. college is expensive, and even though my parents are helping me out a lot, I don't want to spend more than I have to. especially if I do get into the School of Music, and then realize that I hate being a music major.
and my personal favorite: "well, why didn't you start earlier?" BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I wasn't raised in a nazi music family. my parents wanted all of their children to have some piano experience so that they could play the hymns in church. I just happened to be really good at it, so I kept taking lessons all through high school, and I loved playing classical music. but it wasn't my life. I also played tennis, and during tennis season, I probably spent at least twice as much time playing tennis as I did practicing. and no, I definitely wasn't good enough to play in college, but it was a hobby that I loved. it distracted me from piano and school and real life. it felt good to run around and hit things. just typing this makes me nostalgic. but I was one of those people who was good at everything but the best at nothing. I just had too many hobbies and interests.

and I realized, to be a music major, you have to be good at music AND ONLY MUSIC (ok, that's not completely true, but you have to be 110% devoted). you have to live, breathe, and sleep piano/music production. and there's no rule for this, but it is highly preferable that you don't have ADHD.
whoops.
back to my first semester of college. I was pretty upset. why did I have to go through the School of Music application twice? let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more inadequate than that application. and they still saved my letters of recommendation for piano performance. I thought I would be able to redeem myself, but nope. much like the piano performance application process, I felt very unsettled, and I prayed to know what to do, but I still felt unsettled. but this time, I was even more angry. when I first decided I wanted to do commercial music, I felt GOOD about it. I felt HAPPY. but now, I am feeling unsettled again. why do I have to go through this twice? it sucked enough the first time. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I had other alternatives, but none of them felt right, and I still had to turn in the application. and that was just weird, because I hoped they would like it, and I tried my best, but I knew that there was a 99% chance I wouldn't get in. I wasn't being pessimistic, I was being realistic. the school of music audition process is grueling. even people who get accepted would agree with me. and if not, then your life isn't hard enough.

I was having a really tough time overall during that semester. all my friends were either on missions, in high school, or turning in their mission papers. sure, I had other friends, but...in college, everyone is busy, and they make new friends, and I was supposed to make new friends, but it was HARD. I am the only girl in my family, and living with 5 other girls is just about as different from living with 2 brothers +20 of their friends can get (plus, I didn't know any of my roommates prior to moving in, and they were all pretty quiet and reserved). I failed my first midterm exam, and I couldn't remember failing any test that wasn't in geometry or pre-calculus. to sum it all up, one of my dear teammates, Annie, wrote me this from her mission:
"I'm not gonna lie to you, my fall semester was hard and I had a little bit of an identity crisis. I guess I had just hung out with the same group of people my whole life and then I was thrown into a mass of friends who didn't know me and I kinda forgot who I was. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Remember how awesome and cute and involved you were in high school? Be like that in college. I was that stupid freshman in college who walked around with her headphones in and was too nervous to look around and be friends with people. don't be like me. Be fun, crazy, exciting, smart charismatic Merm and love every second of college." 
sorry, Annie, but that happened to me. I had an identity crisis. but then I figured that it was a normal thing. I realized that most people I talked to were either undeclared, or they were "PRE-nursing", "PRE-management", "PRE-music", etc. I was surprised that it was a normal thing for a freshman to be unconfident about their major. I have anxiety and one of the things that scares me the most is uncertainty. I couldn't be that "undeclared" major. I had to know what I was doing ALL THE TIME. but I wasn't. and I was scared. 

but somewhere in that first semester, I thought about other things I liked to do. I thought about my strengths and weaknesses. I am an extrovert. I would rather be around people all day than in a recording studio or a practice room. I am strong-willed, and I don't like being told what to do all the time (and to be in the music industry, you have to kiss up to a lot of people). I taught piano in high school, and I loved helping those students learn how to play. I was pretty firm with them and didn't tolerate their "I was too busy playing video games" excuses. my favorite classes in high school were not the music classes I took, but history, geography, and psychology. I TAed for an AP world history class my junior year in high school, and I loved helping the students, grading their papers, and I might've been a bit too blunt with them, but I realized how much I loved history.
and I decided that I would make a freaking good teacher.
I talked to my parents about it, and they told me that if I didn't get accepted into the school of music, I could change my major to history teaching. I told my friends about my plans, and they were all very supportive and told me that I would make a freaking good teacher. I told my favorite teacher from high school, my AP world history one, and she got so excited that I would be doing the same thing. and for the first time in college, I felt confident in myself and my future.

the first Tuesday of January 2017, I got my rejection email from the school of music.
I read it, yelled out "HELL YEAH! I AM FREE!" and submitted a request to change my major.

I am currently a social science teaching pre-major at BYU. this means I can teach geography, economics, maybe government (not sure), psychology, and HISTORY. next semester, I will get fingerprinted and background checked and do a teaching observation class, and then I will OFFICIALLY be a teaching major. I get to take classes like anthropology, abnormal psychology, economics, United States history, ancient civilizations, and all these other classes that I wouldn't have had time for had I been a music major. I am a lot happier than I have been since I started college. I have learned that it's ok if I don't know what I'm doing all the time, and that IT IS NORMAL to go through an identity crisis. it is all part of growing up. and boy, is it tough, but it's good for you. even though I initially felt regret after applying to be a music major, it has taught me so much. it taught me that it's okay to change your mind, and that in the moment, I won't always know what's best for me. I have to rely on faith in the gospel that everything will work out, even if it isn't in the way I expect it to. and not only do I have a greater appreciation for music majors and all the hard work they do, I have a huge appreciation for teachers as well. and believe me, I wouldn't have learned any of it had I gone into college as a declared teaching major.

and most of all, I am so grateful that I wasn't one of those petrified girls walking in and out of the HFAC on audition today, and that I was watching A Man for All Seasons instead.

from a girl who isn't serving a mission

I have wanted to write about this for a long time. I even wrote an op-ed about this for my writing class, but instead of sharing it in a formal essay form, I want to share this in something more relatable, something more....straight from Merm's honest heart. so, before I get to the point, here's what I have to say first: 1. this is very personal to me, and your experience may be completely different from mine. I respect that, and I support that. 2. not everyone in Provo or in the LDS church is like this, so PLEASE don't judge a whole religion or community based off what some people have said to me. there have been many people who have been very supportive of me, and I would like to thank them. and 3. please, PLEASE be kind to everyone, regardless of whether they choose to serve a mission or not.

I've spent about 13 or 14 years of my life in Provo, Utah. lots of mountains, lots of snow, lots of road construction, and definitely lots of Mormons. to some outsiders, we aren't considered "real" Mormons because we have release time seminary, "everyone" is modest (except I got dress coded at a BYU party for the length of my shorts), there aren't any "real" temptations, and no one is going to question you for serving a 1.5 or 2 year mission.

but, they will question you if you don't. 

many of you are probably already asking "but why don't you want to serve a mission?" believe me. I've been asked that question just as much as I've been asked "are you planning on serving a mission?" before I answer this question, think about it. if it was the other way around, and I was planning on serving a mission, would you ask me "why are you going on a mission?" no. you probably wouldn't. you would probably just congratulate me and ask more mission related questions. so I think this is an extremely stupid question, but here is my answer.

as people sometimes forget, girls can choose whether or not they go on missions. if you don't believe me, President Thomas S. Monson said it himself when he announced the missionary age change. I don't feel like I need to serve a mission. I don't have the strong desire to serve a mission. News flash: not everyone has the desire to serve a mission. and that is perfectly fine. for me, I still don't exactly understand why I don't have the same desire as many of my friends do, but I do know that I've always wanted to get a college degree. yes, it is possible to get a degree and serve a mission, but for me, once I start something, I have to finish it. I have ADHD and anxiety, which both act up x10 when I have to adjust to a new change. I wouldn't be as motivated to go back to school because I would have to adjust to the routine again, which is NOT EASY FOR ME. yes, I know people with ADHD and anxiety who have served missions, but they would all agree that it is extremely challenging.

but even though I knew what I wanted to do, I would have friends and church leaders encourage me to pray about it more and tell me, "but you have such a strong testimony, and people need to hear it!" or "you are so good at talking to people!" or, my personal favorite, "I'm going on a mission, and all of our other friends are going, so why would you want to leave yourself out?" and then, I started to question myself. I started to think more about serving a mission, which of course, gave me anxiety, and whenever I thought about not serving, I felt better. but I didn't understand. I wanted to be accepted, but I just couldn't be honest. whenever people would ask me the question, I would say "I'm thinking about it" or "...yeah!" but it didn't feel good. finally, I asked myself why I was considering a mission, and these were the reasons:
everyone else is going. I'm feeling pressured by all my friends. serving a mission is a good thing. If I don't go, I'll feel left out. everyone else is going. it's the thing to do in Provo.

and THOSE ARE NOT GOOD REASONS. if anyone is considering serving a mission and these are the only reasons they can come up with, then pray about it, and if those are still the only reasons you have, THEN DON'T GO! serve a mission because you want to. serve a mission because you prayed about it, and you got a confirmation that it is the right thing to do. serve a mission because you want to help people learn about the gospel, despite all the challenges you will face. serve a mission because you will accept ANY place you get called to, no matter how hard the language is, how poor the country is, how weird the culture is, how gross the food is, or how "exotic" it is. serve a mission if that is what the Lord wants you to do, not what your friends, parents, or church leaders want you to do!

that being said, I have a HUGE respect for people who serve missions. both of my parents served, my dad in Okinawa Japan (now part of the Fukuoka mission, and Japanese speaking, obviously) and my mom in Houston, Texas, Spanish speaking. many of my friends either have served, are currently serving, or are preparing to serve, and what they have to go through is NOT easy. one of my best friends is serving in Ukraine, where people complain and drink vodka all the time and have a hard time understanding that there is a God who loves them. in Japan and other Asian countries, people would rather keep on worshipping their ancestors or forms of nature. and even English-speaking missions here in the United States, people just don't want to listen to you. you can't choose your companions, and I've heard many horror stories about bad companions. and to top off all that, it is a completely different environment than every day life. so anyone who is willing to do that and can last even just a few weeks is an absolute SAINT. it takes a lot of courage, strength, and perseverance, and I admire that. I don't have to serve a mission to be able to appreciate all that the missionaries do.

but deciding NOT to serve a mission also takes a lot of courage. I have been questioned, criticized, judged, and treated differently than I would have been if I had just done what everyone else did and said I was going on a mission. I have had people question my testimony, faith, and gospel standards. I have had people try and convince me to change my mind because "I didn't know if I wanted to go, but I did, and I loved it, so you will too!" none of this has been easy for me, and it wasn't until halfway through my senior year that I could feel confident when I said, "no, I'm not planning on a mission." I have had to learn patience and that most of these people have good intentions, they just don't understand that what the Lord wants me to do is different from what the Lord wants them to do.

to girls (and boys) who have served/are going on missions: my testimony isn't any weaker than yours, nor is yours any stronger than mine. the Lord has a unique plan for all of us: some people want to serve but don't end up going, some people don't want to serve but do end up going, and some people know what they want, and they do it. I love the gospel so much, but I can share it with others just by being an example to them and helping them make good choices. my mission is not to serve one. and that's okay. if the Lord wanted every girl to serve a mission, then the prophet would've said something. but he didn't. congrats for going on a mission, and I support you 100% for doing that. and I hope you will be able to support me for serving in a different way.

to girls (and boys) who are NOT serving missions: BE CONFIDENT. I know that there are many others in the same boat as me, but I don't know who you are. because either everyone is going on a mission, or they are too scared to say that they aren't. DON'T BE. because there are many other people who feel the same way, and they don't want to feel alone. you aren't any better or worse than those who have or are serving missions. so please, PLEASE be confident in your decision. it took me a while to get there, but it has made me feel a lot better about my decision not to serve.

and the bottom line? the Lord loves all of you. I know this because He has a different plan for each and every individual, instead of treating us all the same. He knows us and loves us, regardless of whether we serve a mission or not. and He would want us to love and support everyone as well.

the church is true. have a great day!

to be quite honest, college is scary.

to be completely honest, I have no problem with being completely honest. one of my favorite teachers wrote in one of my yearbooks, "you are honest to a fault". when asking for opinions, many of my friends come to me because they know that even though it may not be what they want to hear, I'm giving them the straight-up truth. I have no problem with sharing my opinions, I'm pretty open about my feelings, and I don't pretend to enjoy things that I don't. for example, I was talking with one of my roommates last night about musical preferences, and she said, "I love Taylor Swift." instead of giving the hesitant "yeah....me too!", I straight up said, "that's cool. I don't." I know, it probably isn't the best way to make friends with your roommate who you only met an hour ago, but that's just the way I am. Of course, I don't like to offend people with my honesty, nor do I ever mean to, but for me, it's easier to just directly say "I don't like Taylor Swift" instead of indirectly say that she's not my favorite, because some people interpret that as, "it's not her favorite, but she never said she doesn't like it, so she doesn't care if we listen to Taylor Swift together."

why is this even relevant to anything I'm talking about? well, I'm just trying to prove a point that everything I put on here isn't anything far from the truth.

I have always been pretty self-confident. maybe a little too self-confident at times, which I have learned from. but it's just not in my nature to pretend to be unconfident, because while I don't really care for Demi Lovato's music, she said it: "what's wrong with being confident?" I may come off as cocky to some people, but when people would ask "are you ready for (tennis match/ concert/ test/ recital/ other important event)?", I wasn't going to say, "no, I'm gonna mess up so bad and I suck at everything and I'm not ready!" because if I say that, I might start to believe myself. even though it's looked at as more "humble" to act nervous, I'd rather be honest than humble.

that being said, when I say I am completely nervous and NOT READY for college to start, then that means that I am actually telling the truth instead of trying to be humble. because as much as I would like to be confident about starting school and all these changes, I am not. 

first off, I have ADHD and even though I got a good ACT score and did pretty well in my AP classes in high school, COLLEGE IS DIFFERENT. I have to change my study habits and not wing things and hope for the best and not get distracted and actually learn how to focus because I am determined not to fail my first semester. so even though I was clutch in high school, I have to learn how to be clutch in college. and if I want to graduate in 4 years, then I HAVE TO BE CLUTCH. but I'm pretty sure that almost every college student is a bit scared for this part, so good to know I'm not alone. now for the less obvious, more personal concerns I have.

I'm the oldest of 3 children. I'm the only girl, and I have 2 younger brothers. (if you didn't get it already, I have NO SISTERS.) I've never had to share a room with a sibling in my life, not even when I lived in our one-bedroom apartment in Tokyo. I slept alone in the living room. while I am very outgoing and love being around people, I'm usually the person who drives my own car to meet up with my friends instead of get a ride with them because we've been hanging out all day for 5 hours already. at the end of the day, I like to have some time by myself to relax. I like having some space. the only "sleepovers" I ever did were for school overnight trips. I never had any sisters who were overly sensitive or dramatic, and my brothers and I have been messing with each other since I can remember. and yes, while many of my good friends are female, some of my closest friends are guys. so you place a girl with only brothers who has never shared a room in her life in a 3-bedroom apartment on campus with 5 OTHER GIRLS WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET, ALL of whom have sisters, and one of those girls is in MY BEDROOM, you get a girl who is a bucket of stress. a girl who has never had to deal with that much estrogen, except for the girls tennis team. and we were PLAYING TENNIS, not living together! you get a girl who breaks down and calls her mom every day, even though my house is literally 5 minutes away from my apartment. you get a girl who is worried about offending people with her opinions, her loud music (that is different than what my roommates prefer), or her personality. the 5 days that I've lived on campus have been some of the hardest, scariest days of my life. I locked myself out of my apartment 3 times on my first day, and while I survived, I'm absolutely terrified of leaving my keys anywhere. it's a whole new experience.

I've never really been one to conform for the sake of conformity. I've always listened to my own music, not what is on the Top 40 radio. my favorite movie is Anchorman, and I'm guessing that less than 20% of BYU students have even seen that movie. I've never seen a church movie, I didn't vote for David Archuleta on American Idol (I voted for David Cook and therefore contributed to Archuleta's loss. and how hypocritical of me, a Mormon living in Utah to not support another Mormon living in Utah!), I do my homework on Sundays, I have never fasted for 24 hours, I never went to EFY, I don't play Pokemon Go, I don't use the puppy filter on snapchat, and I don't own a maxi skirt. I've always dressed in my own style, which for me includes shorter shorts and shorter dresses. not so short that a church leader would call me out for it, but too short to wear to BYU, which the requirement is knee-length. I run around in a tennis skirt and a tank top most of the time because I don't feel like changing after playing. and you guessed it- tank tops are only allowed in designated areas of BYU campus, and they are definitely not the "preferred" choice of exercise clothing. so following the BYU dress code is definitely going to require some conformity. I actually went to Called to Surf for the first time in my life and I bought 3 long dresses there, and I wore one to a farewell, and for the first time in my life, I saw a friend wearing my same dress. then at work, I saw at least 10 EFY girls and BYU students wearing my same dress. and I feel like I'm losing my personal identity, because in a way, I'm being forced to dress like everyone else. and I don't like that. I tried venting about this to someone, but all they said was, "you signed the Honor Code, so you can't complain." and I know I signed the Honor Code, but NOT EVERYONE WHO GOES TO BYU AUTOMATICALLY IS GOING TO BE EXCITED ABOUT WEARING LONGER DRESSES AND PANTS IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. it's going to be a really hard adjustment for me, and I'm not going to pretend to be excited about it. I'm just going to have to suck it up. and does that make me any less nervous? NO.

as earlier stated, the Mormon culture is really strong over here. I love the gospel of the LDS church, I have a testimony, and I really do try to live it as best as I can. but I've never had the desire to serve a mission, and I don't feel like that's what Heavenly Father desires for me either. which of course should be fine because girls are not required to go on missions. but there is still a lot of pressure, especially in Provo and especially at BYU, to go on a mission. I'm worried that people won't accept me because I'm not going on a mission like they are/did. I've already gotten negative reactions from people when they find out that I'm not going. I am confident in my decision, and I have many people who are supportive, but it's not very fun to get criticized for a very personal decision that I have made. and this is coming from a girl who doesn't even care what people think of her 90% of the time! I know that there are many other girls at BYU who are in my same boat, but as of right now, they are a lot harder to find than the girls who are excited about serving a mission.

with all that being said, I didn't choose to go to BYU for the dress code (which is only a part of the Honor Code). I didn't choose to go to BYU because at least half the student population is serving a mission. I didn't choose to go to BYU to be around people who don't dress like skanky hoes (remember how I said I am a very blunt person?). I chose to go to BYU because...I've always wanted to go. both of my parents went there, and my dad loved it so much he came back to work as a chemistry professor! (I also came because I get half tuition because of my dad and it's a lot cheaper than anywhere else.) I chose to go to BYU because it has many amazing programs that have great reputations. I chose to go to BYU because I had to work hard to get the grades and the ACT score to get in, and I earned it. I chose to go to BYU because I have always loved going to football and basketball games with my family. I chose to go to BYU because of the high standards (no alcohol, no drugs, no football games on Sundays). I chose to go to BYU because people from all over the world come here to get an education, and I will make many friends from different places. so even though there are many things that I am absolutely terrified for when I start my classes on Monday, I am confident that I made the right decision on where to go to college.

things I can only say after graduating

well guys. I did it. I graduated from Timpview High School with honors and AP scholar cords. (this means I took x number of AP tests and got 3's on all of them? I don't even know. but it's a big enough deal to get me some cords.) the ceremony was....long. I'm pretty sure it was great, but considering the fact that people with ADHD don't do well in long ceremonies whatsoever, I lost my patience 5 minutes in. but it was probably wonderful for those humans who actually have an attention span. everyone has asked me how it feels to be a graduate. to be honest, it's mostly just weird and now I have to find a job and learn how to do everything for myself before I move out. but I thought I would share some pieces of advice, some good experiences, some embarrassing experiences, some mistakes and regrets, and what I will take and leave from my senior year of high school. if you are looking for a sentimental post about how life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it, then this isn't the place. (I LOVE Ferris Bueller, but this isn't the place to be mushy.) so, without further ado:

HOW TO DO SENIOR YEAR (or life in general) RIGHT

1. GO TO CLASS. JUST DO IT. OK? it is a really hard habit to break, and making up assignments is not worth it. I would give you guys a lecture, but I want to be nice. Don't pull a Ferris Bueller every day.

2. Not all underclassmen are evil, brainless scum. these 2 girls, Grace and Nicole, have become 2 of my best friends for life. and they are a year younger than me. since there was only 1 other senior on the tennis team, I was spending a lot of time with juniors. and they are great people. I was their age once, and it is fun to give advice and talk to them about how to survive junior year (which is the hardest academically), because hanging around seniors who only want to talk about college can get old after a while. many seniors get an attitude that they are better than everyone because they are seniors, but please don't do that. the younger years look up to you. if I was a snobby senior, then Nicole wouldn't be able to text me "let's play tennis" and be at a court in 5 minutes, and Grace wouldn't have anyone to scream The Killers or Michael Jackson or Queen songs with her in the car.

3. Make new friends, but keep the old.  my senior year, I ended up hanging out with a lot of the people that I went to elementary school with, and it was just so fun to reminisce with them about Rock Canyon Elementary school and being rebels on the playground by annoying the recess guards, the 5th grade kickball tournament, singing all 6 minutes of Bohemian Rhapsody at the 5th grade karaoke party just to prove that I knew all the words, the 6th grade student teacher with weird eyebrows who smelled funny, the medieval feast, and all the other good times that I can't name off the top of my head. I went to homecoming with the boy who got in trouble for taking off his shoes in first grade. I also went to Sadie Hawkins, Prom, and Last Chance with boys I had known since elementary school, and it was so much fun to experience high school with the people who I grew up with. so, while new friends are great, there is just something fun about growing up with people!

4. Don't let rankings define you. when people would ask me how I was doing in tennis, I would say, "Really great! I've only lost to Orem and that one girl in St George!" and then they would say "so you're almost undefeated! what's your ranking?" and I would say, "3rd JV singles." and if they were ignorant, they would say, "but if you're that good, you should play varsity!" well, that's not how tennis works. EVERY SPOT ON THE TEAM is important. we all have to try out best! being 3rd JV singles is a very important position. if one of the 2 JV singles girls ranked higher than me wins, but the other one loses, then it's up to me to get that JV singles win! just because I'm not on varsity doesn't mean I have to lose! when I was in St George with the Varsity and the rest of competing JV,  one of the workers at the country club was watching me beat this girl 6-0, 6-2 and then asked me what school I went to. I said, "Timpview" and she said, "so that's why you're playing JV! Timpview's varsity is exceptional, and when JV has players as good as you, then that says a lot about the rest of the team. you have a solid team!" so moral of the story, no matter what ranking you are, no matter what position you play, do your best because YOU ARE IMPORTANT!

5. BE CLUTCH. being clutch means to perform well, even under pressure. I had a hard time with this my sophomore season, but by my senior season I got pretty good at being clutch. but the key to being clutch is not to focus on the pressure, and to get in the zone. my most devastating loss was not because my opponent outplayed me, not because I was tired, but because I wasn't clutch. it was a really hot day in St. George, and it was at 2:30, the hottest time of the day. my opponent had just played another match before me, and I thought I could wear her out. but since I was under that pressure to wear her out, I kept missing. she actually almost forfeited due to heat exhaustion, so I thought it would be a really easy win. I was more consistent, my form was better. but I wasn't clutch. I froze. and she beat me. and I cried more about losing than she did about heat exhaustion (which was a lot.) so be clutch, in sports, performances, and on tests. don't give in to the pressure!

6. Go to football games. go to basketball games. go to whatever sport you can. go to orchestra concerts. JUST SHOW YOUR SUPPORT. YOU WILL REGRET STAYING AT HOME. but sometimes, if you have too much homework, then stay home.

7. Don't tell cheerleaders that their sport isn't a sport. they will hate you forever. (I never did this, but I watched it happen.) many of them can't even hold a tennis racket correctly, but they can do a back handspring, which I have never been able to do. I was able to get away with pretending I was a cheerleader for 20 minutes for my senior prank though!

8. Sometimes you crash the car; sometimes you get crashed into. This was not an easy lesson to learn, and I had to give my dad the car for a few days until I was able to prove that I could drive responsibly and clean up the paint scrapes. to make a long story short, I had never gotten in an accident since I got my license. then one day, when I was driving home from tennis, I hit one car in the parking lot and another going down the hill. I was freaking out and crying and I probably said a few swear words, but neither person I hit called the police and they were both really nice. (my dad was more upset than they were.) 4 months later, one of my good friends hit me in the parking lot and my first instinct was to swear at her and yell at her for not paying attention and forgetting to use her brakes. but I remembered that I was in her same situation 4 months earlier, and neither person I hit got angry at me, so I just told her, "you're good. I won't call the police. just use your breaks next time!" and we are still friends. so pretty much, always be kind, even when your friends hits your car.

9. Comparison is the thief of joy. my best friend and I both play piano. we are both really good, but she is better than me and was getting a lot of recognition for her skills, while my choir teacher told me I was "sub-par" and really hurt my feelings. I was really angry for a while, but then I realized that my friend practices 3-4 hours every day at least, and I was using those hours in my day to play tennis instead. also, she doesn't have ADHD and has the ability to sit at the piano without burning out. I can only last 1-2 hours with breaks in between. so I re-evaluated and realized that considering my circumstances, I was doing great. so then I was able to appreciate her talents and abilities without comparing myself to her.

10. Being an individualist has pros and cons, as well as being a groupie. I am a real individualist. I have many good friends, but I don't hang out with the same people every day. I do have a few close friends that I try to eat lunch with more than once a week, but when I go to parties or games, I go in my own car by myself and just meet up with people, rather than go with 3 or 4 friends that I have been hanging out with all day. I like this because I have many different friends, but it can be hard because I don't always get invited to hang out with people. it's not because they don't like me; it's because they mostly hang out with the same people every day and I join in every once in a while. being a groupie can provide more security, but in my mind, it's just not fun being with the same people ALL THE TIME. but to each their own.

11. Acappella tour is fun. Acappella tour is especially fun at Disneyland with your friends who have only gone there once. But if you grew up in So. California like me and have gone over 50 times, maybe don't take your friends on "small world" because they won't appreciate it as much as you do. Also, Becca (middle) and I had to leave Brooke (right) in a random shop on Main Street because she was being too grumpy and wouldn't go on Indiana Jones with us (turns out, she had tonsillitis and wasn't feeling too good). but we did have a good time. my favorite moment was when my friends were making fun of my Smiths t-shirt and my love for weird 80s music, some guy in line for Haunted Mansion turned around and was ALSO WEARING A SMITHS SHIRT! and at the same time, both of us said, "NICE SHIRT!" it was a cool bonding moment.

12. Listen to good music in the morning. as mentioned above, I do love The Smiths. but I can't listen to them in the morning or else I am depressed for the rest of the day. after going through all my music library, I do best when I listen to Queen in the mornings. My family raised me on Queen, and I have nothing but good memories when I listen to them, not to mention Freddie Mercury was probably one of the most talented musicians ever to have lived. "Don't Stop Me Now" is the only song that could possibly pump me up for going to 6-7 hours of school. as a result, I am in a much better mood for the rest of the day, which is really hard for seniors.

13. Don't be a Teacher's Pet, but don't be that kid that administration can't wait to see graduate. no one likes Teacher's Pets except for teachers. you will lose all your friends. some teachers do like a little sass! make them laugh! but don't do it excessively, or else they will hate you and get tired of you. figure out what the right amount is.

14. Please, just don't be that kid who is "so over" everything. you hate high school? you hate everyone? cool. everyone hates you too!

15. Have fun, but don't break the law or do anything that would look bad on college applications. College is tough. So while it is good to have fun in high school, just don't break the law. What is more important, having a good story to tell your kids and going to a not-so-good college, or going to a great college and getting a good job and having a good future while still having a good time?

16. Sparknotes will save your life. But you have to read the book too. I have had to read many books that I didn't choose to read. I didn't understand them, and I didn't like them. So I read the Sparknotes instead, which worked until my teacher made a whole quiz based on quotes from the reading. So, I adopted my new strategy. Read the Sparknotes first, and PRINT THEM OUT FOR REFERENCE when you actually do the reading. they will help clear up anything that doesn't make sense in the book. it's a lot of work, but it will help you understand a lot better than if you had just read Sparknotes, or if you had just read the book.

17. Don't cheat your way through high school. if you didn't do any work to learn anything before the test, and then you have to take it (without anyone's help), then you're screwed. and so is your grade. and so are your college applications!

18. Be honest with your parents. believe me. I've learned not only from experience but also from watching my younger siblings. if you do something bad and they ask you, it's better to be upfront, honest, and apologetic with them and get the smaller punishment, than to lie to them and have them find out later and get the bigger punishment. also, if you are honest with them, they will trust you and give you a later curfew.

19. Be patient. everyone is going through the same thing you are. they are applying to college. some of them are going on missions. some of them are struggling to turn in all their assignments on time. so if anyone gets mad at you for no reason, they are probably just as stressed as you are.

20. Don't focus too much on the future. this is your senior year. HAVE FUN WITH IT! don't be too caught up in getting ready for college and moving out. HAVE FUN! do stuff with your friends. go to games. do everything I mentioned on this list. get good grades. don't skip class. and it's good to prepare for college. but it shouldn't be your life. HAVE A GOOD TIME!

when good things happen to you, but bad things happen to your friends

rejection is possibly the worst feeling that anyone has ever experienced. there is no other way to put it. we have all deal with it at some point in our life, and if you haven't, then you better watch out. because IT WILL SUCK. my life in high school has been full of great achievements, but it has also been filled with rejection. for a while, I felt like nothing good would ever happen to me after getting rejected from every program. every time. I was a junior in high school, and I had failed to make acappella choir (and all my friends did), I didn't get asked to Homecoming (and all my friends did), and perhaps the worst of all: I didn't even make JV tennis.

so, to get a more clear picture: I played both singles and doubles my sophomore year. it was my first year (I was living in Tokyo for part of my freshman year and missed tennis season), and pretty much, I was happy with whatever spot I could get. I was just grateful to play. but I really liked playing singles, and I made it my goal to make the JV team the next year and have a stable position. so, I practiced at least 2 hours every single day, playing in several matches and practicing with my mom and I even got a new coach, who was absolutely excellent. I worked on my serve, my groundstrokes, my net play, my footwork, everything. but when I showed up for tryouts, there were a bunch of new freshmen, and they were GOOD. but I still thought I could play, like, 3rd JV singles?
but after 2 days of playing matches, Coach all called us to the courts and read a list of Varsity players, and as expected, I didn't make it. then, she proceeded to read JV. I sat there, hoping the next name she called would be mine, but name after name, I began to question if I could make 3rd singles or even play doubles.
finally, Coach said: "and that's our JV team. the rest of you are our alternates. you will play in matches, depending on the size of the other team. but don't expect to be played very often."
so, what else do you do when all your friends are standing in a group, celebrating that they made Varsity and JV?
so you go and stand on your own,
and you leave all alone,
and you go home,
and you cry and you want to die

(side note: listening to The Smiths or Morrissey after getting rejected can either make you feel a lot better, or it will just make you cry even more).
so that's what happened to me. and it was really hard. and while I hated hearing, "oh, your time will come", it did. my senior year, I played as 3rd JV singles and played in every match and won around 90% of my matches. I had never felt better in my life.

but what if you were the one who did make the tennis team and you are celebrating your accomplishments (as you should be doing), but your moment of happiness is interrupted, and it was your friend who's name didn't get called, so she goes and stands on her own, and she leaves all alone, and she goes home, and she cries and she wants (hopefully not) to die? what do you do then? I mean, you know you deserved it, but you want to be a good friend.

so, without further ado, here is my guide to
when good things happen to you, but bad things happen to your friends: aka helping other people deal with rejection
(based on true experiences, experienced by me)

so, let's consider the following scenario. you are a senior in high school with nagging parents who threaten to disown you if you don't get into the best college in the state. it doesn't matter if your dad is a professor at this university or not; you have to try hard. and to get into this university, an ACT score higher than a.....(cough cough) 24 is recommended. (but there are always exceptions.) but you have ADHD and can't sit still for the life of you and you go in to take the test, and you studied and studied but it's the math section and ALL OF A SUDDEN, everything you ever remember learning about math just isn't there, and no matter how hard you search your brain, it cannot be extracted, and FINALLY you remember something and the--
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, 
No escape from reality. 
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see
I'M JUST A POOR BOY, I NEED NO SYMPATHY
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, (other side of brain) little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me
To me.
*(enter Freddie Mercury's first piano solo)*

and basically, the next 2.5 sections of the ACT are totally BSed because, well....your brain has shut off and basically the entire Queen Greatest Hits album is playing in your brain, among other ADHD cacophony. ANYWAYS......you are under pressure (there will be more Queen references, just to warn you) to get into this school and you have to take the ACT again because your nagging strict professor dad didn't like your first score, and Heaven forbid that you have a full schedule......with 4 YEARS OF MATH....as a SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL?! and in order to keep your grades up, you don't skip class with all your friends while they go get food and are having a good time without you. as a result, people stop asking you to hang out because you are "too boring" and "take senior year too seriously". but it will all pay off. because in a few months, an email comes from your Dream College and guess what it says?
YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then you go upstairs to tell your parents, and your 13 year old brother starts belting out "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE are the champions, my friends!" before you can even get one word to your parents. and once you do, they are very proud of you and everyone breaks out singing We Are The Champions. so then you celebrate. because YOU KNOW how hard you worked to get into this school. YOU KNOW the hours spent doing ACT prep, going to class while your friends skip and be punks, taking a math class instead of having a few free periods, and having to deal with ADHD and nagging parents at the same time. your friends text you, asking if you got in, and you say "YES" and then they reply "ME TOO!" and you all celebrate together because you all worked really hard to get to this point.

naturally, as any excited person who just got accepted to their dream college would, you then start texting your friends, assuming they will all celebrate with you. but then, one of your friends replies with a "No, I didn't get accepted. I don't understand....but congrats!" or even worse, this happens in person. because I (whoops, now I just blew it and now you know for sure this is a story about me, but you were probably smart and figured it out) am old-fashioned and still talk to people face to face.

oof. well, what do you do now? that's a tricky one.

1. give them a hug, and say "I'm so sorry." that's all you have to say. really, it is. being someone who has dealt with rejection, they probably don't want to hear anything else. if you want to be extra nice, maybe say, "I really wish both of us had gotten in", but it is a huge risk, because your friend might be extra sensitive and interpret it as "I got in, you didn't, and I really wish that both of us could get in, but I'm just reminding you that I'm better than you and I didn't." so you gotta be careful when you use that one.

2. do NOT say "I wish it was you and not me." unless your friend is a heartless wench, this doesn't make anyone feel better. it makes them feel worse. because 1. they probably realize how hard you worked and would want you to be happy, and 2. it's just awkward. just don't say that.

3. never, NEVER say "well, maybe something better will happen", "the Lord probably had a reason behind it", or "it's all part of the plan." this is the worst thing anyone could ever say. people would say that to me, and it would confuse me. if the Lord really loved me, then why would He make bad things happen to me? and what is this freaking "plan" you speak of? and for goodness sake, you have just been rejected. HOW CAN SOMETHING BETTER HAPPEN? and while many times, good times are ahead, your friend just isn't ready to hear that. instead of telling them that, let them experience their life so they can realize it themselves. which leads me to

4. if they want to vent, let them vent. be there to listen to them cry, scream, yell, swear, complain, everything. just be there. if you are ready, vent with them. and always reassure them of their great qualities. if they say something like, "but if you really think I am so smart/talented/pretty, then why didn't I get in?" just say, "I don't know. I'm so sorry. but you are amazing!" and give them more reassurances of their amazingness.

5. if they don't want to talk about it, then don't talk about it. give them their space. it isn't your job to keep them happy 1hunnit percent of the time if they don't want you to! if they want to talk but aren't ready to talk about getting rejected, then talk about other things. keep them distracted. when they are ready to talk, proceed to number 4.

6. never, never, feel guilty. you know how hard you worked, and your hard work paid off. just because the same thing didn't happen to your friend, does not mean that you need to feel guilty that it was you and not them. you should be happy for yourself! you are amazing, and don't you ever forget that! sure, it's okay to feel sorry for them. but you don't need to feel bad for yourself as well. of course, you need to have empathy. it makes you seem more genuine, and they will probably feel better. but being empathetic does not mean feeling guilty that you did something good!

7. EAT FOOD WITH THEM. because sometimes, you just need to eat your feelings.

so, I hope that can not only help you feel better if you get rejected, but also know what to do when that happens to one of your friends, siblings, or acquaintances. and if that was a lot to take in, just think, what would I want my friends to do if it was me who got rejected? I hope that will help you know what to say so that you can be a good, comforting friend. I wish all of you luck, and hope that good things will happen to you and your friends!

junior "graduation speech"

as of yesterday, my junior year officially ended. and in some ways, it was the best year of school. in other ways, it was the worst year of school. the end of this year has been quite bittersweet. there was some celebration and tears of joy; there was some lamentation and tears of sadness. I did have friends who were in my own grade, but a lot of my friends were either sophomores or seniors. it had been that way since I was a freshman; I became close friends with a few sophomores, and then when I became a sophomore, I wanted to keep my junior friends but also be an example to the freshman and be that friend to them that those sophomores were to me a year ago. well, it didn't really occur to me while I was a sophomore that my junior year, all my older friends would be seniors, and it would be their last year. and that the year after that, I would be a senior. I know that after high school, we move on to bigger and better things, but the friends that I have right now, I don't really want anything bigger or better than them. but this year was my last year with many of my friends, and next year will be my last year with all my friends. so, this year, I tried to make the best of it.

the summer of my sophomore year was also my first year on the tennis team. someone showed up to practice and I thought she was a senior, so I introduced myself and asked what her name was. she replied, "Miss Baker." then it hit me. she would be my AP world teacher that year! I told her that she was listed as my 7th period and she and I were put on opposite teams for a drill. I ended up getting her out, and sure enough, she remembered on the first day of class. I guess it clicked from there, because she became my favorite teacher ever, and I ended up loving AP world history, and I guess Baker loved me too, because she let me TA for her a semester of my junior year. sadly, I could only do it first semester because I needed to get more elective credits, and second semester I had seminary that period, and I didn't want to miss seminary because I finally had a good teacher and a few really good senior friends in my class who I might not see after this year. but seminary ended when the seniors graduated (which was a week before school got out), so I went to Baker's classroom to say goodbye to the students I TAed for one last time. she asked me to give advice to them for next year, and some kid asked me to stand on the desk. so, I did. if anyone wants to see it, she posted it on her Facebook, and it got a lot of views! (1,233 to be exact), and if you aren't friends with her (which you probably aren't), I shared it on my Facebook. and if you don't have Facebook, then there is no way.

I only had 3 minutes, so I chose the very best things to share with them. but here is an extended version with all the important things I learned in high school this far. and I'm not saying everyone should read this, but if 1,233 people have watched my pep talk to Baker's class, then.....this gotta be pretty good. so, here is My Speech To Baker's Class Plus Additional Advice.

to put it simply, junior year can really suck sometimes. it's the year before your senior year, which is when you apply for colleges. so junior year, the counselors come in and talk about looking at scholarship options and how to prepare yourself for college. and it hits you that you really are getting to be that old. how did this happen? no one knows. and you HAVE to take the ACT that year at least once. I took it twice. I really want to go to BYU because I get half tuition since my dad's a professor there, it's close by so my dorm won't be too far from my family, and it's a great school. well, it's not the easiest to get into. my dad, being a professor there himself, said that the average ACT score is 28 and I don't remember what the GPA was, but pretty high. so, I was under quite a bit of pressure to get a good ACT score because I didn't want to take that test 5 times. it is TORTURE, I tell you. both days I took it were the longest days of my life (besides my aunt's wedding and the day we went to Japan and flew 12-14 hours-ish). the first time I took it, I got lower than a 28, so my dad enrolled me in the prep class before I took it the second time. and I thought it wouldn't help at all, but turns out, it helped me get more familiar with the test, and when I took it for real, it was still hard, but it was a little bit easier. 3 weeks later, I found out that I got a higher score than a 28, something that seemed unrealistic the first time I took the test. so, tip number 1: TAKE THE ACT PREP CLASS. 

junior year is also way stressful because that's when a lot of AP classes are offered. I took AP US History and AP English, and I could've taken AP Calculus, but there is no way I would ever take an AP math class, so I got out of that one and took College Algebra/Trig (there's not very many options after taking Pre-Calculus your sophomore year). I was also in Honors Physiology, so between those 4 classes, I had a lot of homework. and in addition to that, I was on the tennis team, taught 3 piano students, practiced piano 1-2 hours a day, was in choir, and wanted a social life. I also wanted sleep. I was busy all the time. AND I have ADHD, so I could either find my motivation and get stuff done quickly, or my ADHD would kick in and I couldn't focus whatsoever. but no matter what, do your homework. grades actually matter. high school is really important. I've seen a few of my senior friends who are so talented, so smart, and so capable of getting into any college, but they slacked off and decided they were too tired to do their homework, never did it, didn't go to class, and didn't get into the college of their choice. DO NOT LET THIS BE YOU! so, if you're tired, just find that motivation to at least start your homework. if it's after 12:30, then it's too late for me and going to bed wins, and don't even think that you can get it done in the morning. it is impossible. but at least try to get it done. you will feel so much better knowing got something done. so pretty much, just DO YOUR DANG HOMEWORK.

a really unfortunate trend at my school is skipping class, or as Utahns call it, "sluffing". if you didn't do your homework on time, here's a simple solution: SLUFF CLASS AND GET IT DONE AT HOME! (or, more frequently, GET FOOD WITH YOUR FRIENDS!) have a test in class that you didn't study for? here's a simple solution: SLUFF CLASS AND STUDY IN THE LIBRARY! (or forget about it and get food with your friends!!)
no. no. NO. NO. do not do this. it isn't worth it. my parents check my attendance records every Sunday, so I know that if I sluff class, I'm screwed and my dad takes my car for a week. but for those whose parents don't really have rules about that, don't do it. you will always be in catch-up mode, and you will have twice as much homework as you would have had before. and if it's the day of a test that you didn't study for? if you didn't finish your project on time? ADMIT YOU ARE A SLACKER AND COME TO CLASS! I've had to do that this year, and going unprepared is better than not going at all. and it's a really bad habit to get into. I've seen it, and it's sad.

and please, do the work yourself. I'm not saying don't ask friends for help. I do that all the time. but don't have them do everything for you. it will not help you on a test. when I took AP world as a sophomore, we had to write our own flash cards. I think I made over 250. maybe even 400. but I wrote down every single word and every single definition, and this was my sophomore year. I just finished my junior year, and I still remember most of them. so, IF YOU DO YOUR OWN WORK, YOU WILL DO BETTER.

this was my pep talk to Baker's class in more depth. well, now's some more advice that I couldn't mention in that. and this stuff is also really important, and every high schooler should know this stuff.

it's okay if you change friendships. my best friends in elementary school weren't my best friends for a while. in junior high, we drifted apart, and somehow, junior year, I became close to them again. and I am so grateful for that. in other friendships, we drifted apart and never came back. you just have to learn that it's a part of growing up, and that people change, interests change, and friendships change. and the best friendships are those that are still strong, even after tennis season ends, even after you aren't in the same classes. I met one of my very best friends my freshman year while he was a sophomore. we had one class together, and then after that semester, I didn't really expect to see him that much anymore. but he kept on going out of his way to talk to me, and I really appreciated that. we were good friends when we had that class together, but after it ended, we became even better friends. we maintained our friendship my sophomore year, and I asked him to Morp my junior year, and now, he's graduated and has a mission call, but if we hadn't kept on talking to each other even after our class ended, I wouldn't have become such close friends. and sometimes, friends who you thought were good friends start making bad choices, and you don't have to support them! just be kind to them, and if they stop making an effort, then you don't have to, either!

school dances taught me a lot of lessons. I didn't get asked to Homecoming in the fall, and I definitely didn't expect that. I thought that since I was talented, I knew lots of people, I had lots of friends, I was part of the tennis team, I was sophomore homecoming princess, and I was pretty, I would get asked. but that didn't happen. I had been looking forward to getting asked since I was sophomore homecoming princess the year before, and I even got a dress and everything. but the boys just didn't ask me. now, I could've just said "screw boys and dances, if they aren't gonna ask me, I'm not gonna ask them!" that is not the way to handle it at all! I figured that if they weren't gonna ask me, I was gonna ask them anyway and prove to them what a good time I am and that I deserve to get asked. as soon as homecoming ended, a bunch of girls started asking to Sadie Hawkins, but I wanted to wait. well, the top 2 boys I wanted to ask, got asked within the 3 days after homecoming. so this leads to lesson number 2: if you know who you want to ask, ask them ASAP. don't just wait until the last minute. so, I had to hurry and ask someone else, and I picked someone I had only talked to a few times. and I ended up having a GREAT time, and we became pretty good friends! so lesson 3: it can be fun to go with people you don't know very well.
after Sadie Hawkins came Sweethearts. so, I had already learned my lesson with homecoming, but lesson number 4: don't anticipate getting asked to a boys choice dance. this doesn't mean being a pessimist, but it makes getting asked a lot more exciting, and it makes not getting asked a lot less disappointing. I didn't get asked to Sweethearts, and I would've liked to, but since I wasn't expecting it, it wasn't too hard. and back to lesson number 2: I had already picked out who I wanted to ask to Morp, and I asked him the week before Sweethearts. he answered me 3 days later. some girls weren't too happy because I asked "too soon", but since I knew who I wanted to ask, I just went ahead and did it. and I'm glad I did it when I did, because instead of focusing on not getting asked to Sweethearts, I focused on how excited I was for Morp, which ended up being the best date I had so far. when Prom rolled around, I still hoped to get asked, but I wasn't anticipating it because I hadn't been asked to the first 2 boys choice dances. but LO AND BEHOLD, I got asked to Prom, and a lot of my Prom group was also in my Sadie Hawkins group! so, lesson 5: PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. if I hadn't asked to Sadie Hawkins, I wouldn't have made friends with the boys in that group, and I wouldn't have had a Prom group to go into. but getting asked to Prom was 100x more exciting because I wasn't anticipating it. and I'm glad I got the opportunity to go to the 3 dances I went to this year, because they were 3 of the best nights of high school.

MORP 2015: Lance and Jaysi, Jackson H and Hally, Maloy and Annie, Jackson R and Emily, Micah and Fielding, Regan and Scott, me and Jackson B, Kaitlyn and Chandler

finally, let's talk about change. this is my Morp group from March 2015. at the time, only Maloy had his mission call to Little Rock, Arkansas. but all the boys in my group were talking about starting their mission papers and how excited they were, and it hit me that all these boys would be leaving sometime this year (except Fielding who's in my grade). so, while I was on that date, I tried to enjoy the moment as much as I could, because in just a few months, my date would be going somewhere foreign to preach the gospel for 2 years. and it's a hard change. I've had a few of my older friends leave, and it's not easy to say goodbye to them, and just thinking about saying goodbye to these boys makes me really sad. now, all of them except Scott (who doesn't turn 18 until later this summer) and Fielding (who's in my grade) have their calls: Lance got his first, to Jacksonville, Florida, Spanish speaking. a month later, Jackson R, Chandler, and Jackson B (my Morp date) opened their calls on the same night: Jackson R to Charleston, West Virginia; Chandler to Atlanta, Georgia; and Jackson B to Dnepropetrovsk (ne-pro-pe-TROVSK), Ukraine, Russian speaking. and a month later, Jackson H to Eugene, Oregon. looking back on this picture gives me so much nostalgia because all of these boys were talking about preparing, and now, all but 2 have calls! it was so exciting watching them opening or hearing the good news, but it's also been very hard for me. I mean, these are all my friends, and they're all going stateside except Jackson B, who is going all the way to freaking UKRAINE. at first, I was just excited because he had been anticipating the call so much, and we were just relieved to know that it finally came. but the next day, it hit me that Ukraine isn't the safest or happiest place in the world. Russian is a hard language. and do I really want one of my best friends going there? but I just had to tell myself that Ukraine needs the gospel right now, and out of all my friends, Jackson is the one who needs to teach it there. as the departure dates get closer, what gets me through is just knowing that it's better if they go than if they stay, and that all of these places need the gospel, and that they are all doing the right thing. and I'm not ashamed to admit it, I've cried about it a few times, and the change is going to be hard for me. I'll be at school without my best friends. but while they're gone, instead of staying home and crying all the time, I will still put myself out there. if I'm going to write them, I need things to tell them about! so, I will try to make my senior year the best year I can and hang out with more people, get more involved in school activities, and have a good time!

so, sorry this was way long. but the take home message from this post: do your dang homework. don't slack. don't skip class. it's okay if friendships change, but they don't have to end just because you don't see them anymore. it's okay not to get asked to a dance, but don't let that define you. ask to the ones that you can get asked to, because it increases your chances of getting asked in the future. if you know who you want to take, ask ASAP. and change is hard, but try to make the best of it. if your friends get mission calls, just try to remember that they are doing the right thing, and that it's time for them to bless other peoples' lives, not just yours (did that sound cheesy? sorry about that). so, it's been a great year. it's been a hard year. but, now, school is out, and I can play tennis whenever I want and eat ice cream and go on bike rides and hang out with friends and try to get a job and sleep all day and attend mission farewells and try not to cry about it too much!