not in the way that I always had to get straight-A's on every assignment or else I would bribe my teachers with cookies in order to change that. not in the way that I always had to be 5 minutes early to every class. not in the way that I would be extremely disappointed in myself if I did not practice the piano for exactly 2 hours every day. in fact, when I thought I wanted to be a piano performance major (throwback to my junior and senior years of high school!), if I did practice 2 hours, I would celebrate by doing all these ridiculous wrist-relaxation exercises.
but yes, I am a perfectionist. but the standards of perfection are never set in stone. they are more like a moving target, set by me. I don't have to get a 90% on every assignment. That's unrealistic. what I mean is that if I don't think that I did well enough considering my effort, preparation, hard work, and/or natural abilities, then I did not do well enough. if I hit the snooze button too many times, was late to my 8:00 am econ class and missed the pop quiz, then I've failed. because I KNOW I can wake up on time. I've done it before. In order to get myself out of bed, I have to take morning classes. I've done it every semester of college. sure, I might mess up a few times, but HOLY FREAK IF IT IS ECON 110 AND THERE IS GOING TO BE A POP QUIZ RIGHT AT 8:00, THEN I CANNOT BE LATE AND WHEN I AM, OH BOY AM I SCREWED.
or, in tennis, when I was on a hot streak and was making all my serves in and was beating the same girls in practice, but when it came time for challenge matches, I lost the match (AND my ranking), then I HAVE FAILED.
or, back when I thought I wanted to be a music major and participated in piano competitions. I could play all 15 pages of 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata memorized with few mistakes. but when it came to the sonata festival and I was being judged, I would forget a note, and instead of moving on like a normal person, I would freak out, start over, freak out because I started over, and struggle through the piece. THAT WAS THE WORST. I was only ever good enough to win the honorable mentions, let alone anything at all. and I was definitely not good enough to be a music major (that's a whole different story.)
I am a perfectionist. not only am I a perfectionist, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
now, this shouldn't be hard for me to talk about! anxiety disorders are actually the most common class of psychological disorders in the United States. about 40 million other adults in the US have dealt with an anxiety disorder. I am not alone!
but here's the thing: I don't look like someone who has GAD. I'm an extrovert! I'm always finding ways to attend football and basketball games, church activities, or anything that involves friends and food! I go to my classes! I go to work! I have FRIENDS! I'm not afraid to share my opinion, speak up in class, ask for help, or stay under the radar. I'm satisfied with my personal appearance. I have a lot of talents. I AM CONFIDENT! so, based on all those attributes, I shouldn't even have an anxiety problem!
truth is, anxiety can affect anyone. it can affect introverts. it can affect extroverts. it can affect children, college students, parents, teachers, celebrities, athletes, Multi-Level Marketing distributors, ANYONE. and it affects me. just admitting that it affects me is a big step. because I'm a perfectionist, I like to think I have everything under control. when I don't, then it's unsettling. well, the simple thing would be to work on controlling the controllable.
problem is, I also have ADHD, which is probably one of the biggest contributors to my anxiety, besides perfectionism. I don't know if I'm going to be able to focus or not. I can do what I can control, such as take my medication, not waste time on social media, write things down, have a planner, etc. but sometimes, I'll remember that it's my friend's birthday and I'll call them and I'll end up talking for a few hours. THEN I'll remember that I need to go grocery shopping (and of course, I'll buy everything except what was on my list). oh wait. I have a test tomorrow.
WHY. AM. I. LIKE. THIS.
then, I can either be clutch and study like crazy, try and be clutch and get distracted again, or try and be clutch but end up having an anxious breakdown because I wasn't clutch earlier.
see? it's super fun!
around last winter, in my second semester of college, I realized that I had a Problem with a capital P. I was a bucket of stress all the time. I was so worried about remembering to turn in assignments that my ADHD would come in clutch (again) and I'd forget, get a bad grade, tell myself to never do that again, but SPOILER ALERT, I'd do it again! and I did a hell of a lot of crying. there were too many things to remember, too many things to do, too many tests, too many basketball games, too many choir concerts, and I HAD TO DO WELL AT EVERYTHING!
thankfully, on BYU campus, there are free Counseling and Psychological Services. before, I never would have ever imagined I would see a therapist. oh no, I was too strong for that. I was an ADULT who could manage my OWN LIFE! but I was sane enough to realize that I needed help. so I went to see a therapist, who evaluated me for general anxiety disorder, and I had my physician do that as well. we talked about ways for me to manage my stress, and we talked about medication. initially, I did not want to take meds because I had been taking ADHD meds since I was 10 and I know from personal experience that if I go off those, I do not get anything done and I am a mess. thankfully, we were able to find something that would work with my other meds, and after a hell of a lot of patience and crying, I felt like I was able to (somewhat) manage my life again. of course, I'm not perfect. I still get anxious. I still mess up and forget to turn assignments in, get a less-than-desirable score, or not perform to my expectations. I still have breakdowns when there is too much on my plate, and yes, I still cry in my car sometimes! but THAT IS OKAY!
so, why am I telling you all this?
despite all efforts to end the stigma associated with anxiety, there are still certain stereotypes about it that I do not fit. because of this, I have been....anxious to talk about it to such a wide audience because I might not be taken seriously. one time, I was talking to one of my friends and I was just saying, "yeah, my anxiety always peaks at this point in the semester!" and another girl that I knew said, "Miriam, there are actually people who have anxiety disorders. there are people who take medication for anxiety. please don't use that term lightly."
(I'm pretty sure I just laughed and said, "oh, you have no idea!")
but I'm here to say that it is NOT a bad thing to have anxiety or any mental illness. I'm here to say that IT IS OKAY TO GET HELP! it is okay to admit that sometimes, you can get overly stressed about something and you just need a second to calm down and get your life back in order! and yes, even social extroverts like me have to cancel plans because we don't feel like we will be able to get anything done otherwise. and while I really hate doing that, it is important to take care of myself. there is no harm in doing that! PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND.
If you ever feel overly anxious about anything, talk to someone about it. it can be a family member, a roommate, a friend, a teacher, a sibling, a therapist, or me. I have been a much healthier and happier person since I learned how to take care of myself and talk things out. and while writing this and posting it for all to see is a lot for me, I really hope it helps someone. because everyone deserves to feel love and support.
(and yes, I admit that I use Diet Coke as a stress reliever as well. no shame in that.)
