to be quite honest, college is scary.

to be completely honest, I have no problem with being completely honest. one of my favorite teachers wrote in one of my yearbooks, "you are honest to a fault". when asking for opinions, many of my friends come to me because they know that even though it may not be what they want to hear, I'm giving them the straight-up truth. I have no problem with sharing my opinions, I'm pretty open about my feelings, and I don't pretend to enjoy things that I don't. for example, I was talking with one of my roommates last night about musical preferences, and she said, "I love Taylor Swift." instead of giving the hesitant "yeah....me too!", I straight up said, "that's cool. I don't." I know, it probably isn't the best way to make friends with your roommate who you only met an hour ago, but that's just the way I am. Of course, I don't like to offend people with my honesty, nor do I ever mean to, but for me, it's easier to just directly say "I don't like Taylor Swift" instead of indirectly say that she's not my favorite, because some people interpret that as, "it's not her favorite, but she never said she doesn't like it, so she doesn't care if we listen to Taylor Swift together."

why is this even relevant to anything I'm talking about? well, I'm just trying to prove a point that everything I put on here isn't anything far from the truth.

I have always been pretty self-confident. maybe a little too self-confident at times, which I have learned from. but it's just not in my nature to pretend to be unconfident, because while I don't really care for Demi Lovato's music, she said it: "what's wrong with being confident?" I may come off as cocky to some people, but when people would ask "are you ready for (tennis match/ concert/ test/ recital/ other important event)?", I wasn't going to say, "no, I'm gonna mess up so bad and I suck at everything and I'm not ready!" because if I say that, I might start to believe myself. even though it's looked at as more "humble" to act nervous, I'd rather be honest than humble.

that being said, when I say I am completely nervous and NOT READY for college to start, then that means that I am actually telling the truth instead of trying to be humble. because as much as I would like to be confident about starting school and all these changes, I am not. 

first off, I have ADHD and even though I got a good ACT score and did pretty well in my AP classes in high school, COLLEGE IS DIFFERENT. I have to change my study habits and not wing things and hope for the best and not get distracted and actually learn how to focus because I am determined not to fail my first semester. so even though I was clutch in high school, I have to learn how to be clutch in college. and if I want to graduate in 4 years, then I HAVE TO BE CLUTCH. but I'm pretty sure that almost every college student is a bit scared for this part, so good to know I'm not alone. now for the less obvious, more personal concerns I have.

I'm the oldest of 3 children. I'm the only girl, and I have 2 younger brothers. (if you didn't get it already, I have NO SISTERS.) I've never had to share a room with a sibling in my life, not even when I lived in our one-bedroom apartment in Tokyo. I slept alone in the living room. while I am very outgoing and love being around people, I'm usually the person who drives my own car to meet up with my friends instead of get a ride with them because we've been hanging out all day for 5 hours already. at the end of the day, I like to have some time by myself to relax. I like having some space. the only "sleepovers" I ever did were for school overnight trips. I never had any sisters who were overly sensitive or dramatic, and my brothers and I have been messing with each other since I can remember. and yes, while many of my good friends are female, some of my closest friends are guys. so you place a girl with only brothers who has never shared a room in her life in a 3-bedroom apartment on campus with 5 OTHER GIRLS WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET, ALL of whom have sisters, and one of those girls is in MY BEDROOM, you get a girl who is a bucket of stress. a girl who has never had to deal with that much estrogen, except for the girls tennis team. and we were PLAYING TENNIS, not living together! you get a girl who breaks down and calls her mom every day, even though my house is literally 5 minutes away from my apartment. you get a girl who is worried about offending people with her opinions, her loud music (that is different than what my roommates prefer), or her personality. the 5 days that I've lived on campus have been some of the hardest, scariest days of my life. I locked myself out of my apartment 3 times on my first day, and while I survived, I'm absolutely terrified of leaving my keys anywhere. it's a whole new experience.

I've never really been one to conform for the sake of conformity. I've always listened to my own music, not what is on the Top 40 radio. my favorite movie is Anchorman, and I'm guessing that less than 20% of BYU students have even seen that movie. I've never seen a church movie, I didn't vote for David Archuleta on American Idol (I voted for David Cook and therefore contributed to Archuleta's loss. and how hypocritical of me, a Mormon living in Utah to not support another Mormon living in Utah!), I do my homework on Sundays, I have never fasted for 24 hours, I never went to EFY, I don't play Pokemon Go, I don't use the puppy filter on snapchat, and I don't own a maxi skirt. I've always dressed in my own style, which for me includes shorter shorts and shorter dresses. not so short that a church leader would call me out for it, but too short to wear to BYU, which the requirement is knee-length. I run around in a tennis skirt and a tank top most of the time because I don't feel like changing after playing. and you guessed it- tank tops are only allowed in designated areas of BYU campus, and they are definitely not the "preferred" choice of exercise clothing. so following the BYU dress code is definitely going to require some conformity. I actually went to Called to Surf for the first time in my life and I bought 3 long dresses there, and I wore one to a farewell, and for the first time in my life, I saw a friend wearing my same dress. then at work, I saw at least 10 EFY girls and BYU students wearing my same dress. and I feel like I'm losing my personal identity, because in a way, I'm being forced to dress like everyone else. and I don't like that. I tried venting about this to someone, but all they said was, "you signed the Honor Code, so you can't complain." and I know I signed the Honor Code, but NOT EVERYONE WHO GOES TO BYU AUTOMATICALLY IS GOING TO BE EXCITED ABOUT WEARING LONGER DRESSES AND PANTS IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. it's going to be a really hard adjustment for me, and I'm not going to pretend to be excited about it. I'm just going to have to suck it up. and does that make me any less nervous? NO.

as earlier stated, the Mormon culture is really strong over here. I love the gospel of the LDS church, I have a testimony, and I really do try to live it as best as I can. but I've never had the desire to serve a mission, and I don't feel like that's what Heavenly Father desires for me either. which of course should be fine because girls are not required to go on missions. but there is still a lot of pressure, especially in Provo and especially at BYU, to go on a mission. I'm worried that people won't accept me because I'm not going on a mission like they are/did. I've already gotten negative reactions from people when they find out that I'm not going. I am confident in my decision, and I have many people who are supportive, but it's not very fun to get criticized for a very personal decision that I have made. and this is coming from a girl who doesn't even care what people think of her 90% of the time! I know that there are many other girls at BYU who are in my same boat, but as of right now, they are a lot harder to find than the girls who are excited about serving a mission.

with all that being said, I didn't choose to go to BYU for the dress code (which is only a part of the Honor Code). I didn't choose to go to BYU because at least half the student population is serving a mission. I didn't choose to go to BYU to be around people who don't dress like skanky hoes (remember how I said I am a very blunt person?). I chose to go to BYU because...I've always wanted to go. both of my parents went there, and my dad loved it so much he came back to work as a chemistry professor! (I also came because I get half tuition because of my dad and it's a lot cheaper than anywhere else.) I chose to go to BYU because it has many amazing programs that have great reputations. I chose to go to BYU because I had to work hard to get the grades and the ACT score to get in, and I earned it. I chose to go to BYU because I have always loved going to football and basketball games with my family. I chose to go to BYU because of the high standards (no alcohol, no drugs, no football games on Sundays). I chose to go to BYU because people from all over the world come here to get an education, and I will make many friends from different places. so even though there are many things that I am absolutely terrified for when I start my classes on Monday, I am confident that I made the right decision on where to go to college.