new year, new me, new hair, new major, new blog

I've had this blog since.... 2011. yep, 2011.

I made my first post when I was in 8th grade. I looked like this. (I made brownies with my friend that day and we ended up having a special photoshoot in our aprons)

I don't know why my parents decided to let an almost-14 year old get a blog. or maybe, I didn't tell them and they just went with it. mainly, I wanted a place where I could post about what my family was doing while we lived in Tokyo. plus, my grandparents refused to get a Facebook but were very into reading blogs, so I figured that if I became the "family blogger", I could talk about Japan and about what I wanted to talk about, which was mostly One Direction, stuff I found on Pinterest, or why I was a loser because I only owned 4 pairs of TOMS shoes and my friends owned EIGHT.

I'm not sure who read my blog besides my relatives, but I liked having a place to write AND post pictures (because, in a journal, you can't do that), and my grandparents in Arizona (again, they don't believe in social media) wanted to hear about what I was doing in school, how tennis was going, the date dances I went on, and the vacations I took, so I kept at it. I'm glad I did. because I don't live at home right now, I don't have access to a lot of old pictures, so if I ever want to remind myself what my fashion sense was like when I was 14 years old, or if I'm feeling nostalgic about when my family went to the UK in 2014, I can go to my blog and read about all the fun times I had, see how much I have grown up, and try not to laugh at myself too much. so, even though blogging is normally associated with Mormon Moms, fashion, art, recipes, fitness, or missionary letters, I didn't care that I didn't exactly fit in. It was nice, and as I got older, it became therapeutic.

But the thing is, I've changed a lot since 2011. it's obvious. I was 13, almost 14. I'm 20 now. I've been blogging on this blog for 7 years. and that's a pretty long time. and I guess there comes a point where I just need to move on. but I don't want to completely start over, either. I like to look at my old posts and try not to cringe too much at my former self. but it just feels...juvenile, for me, a 20 year old college student, to post about complex issues like mental health on the same website where I posted about how Liam Payne said that he was afraid of using spoons in restaurants (I had way too much time on my hands. It's embarrassing how much One Direction trivia I knew back in the day). and I've been wanting to make changes for a while, but I haven't had a lot of time.

well, last night I figured out how easy it was to export blog posts over to Wordpress, so I did it. I didn't export all of them, of course. I exported all my posts from spring of 2016 onward, around the time I was transitioning from graduating high school to preparing for college. like I said, I didn't want to completely start over, nor did I want to just go through all my old posts and delete them. so, I compromised. 

so, from this point on, I will be posting everything at

http://miriamcastle.WORDPRESS.com (it's not case sensitive)

it has everything from 2016-present, so all my recent posts are over there, too.

goodbye, miriamcastle.BLOGSPOT.com . it was a good 7 years. 

(PS. DO NOT FORGET TO FOLLOW http://miriamcastle.wordpress.com !!!!!

mid-college crisis

I have a white friend now and I've learned that abruptly going from brunette to blonde (or vice versa!) is a white woman stress signal, kinda like when squid quickly change their colors, it's a sign of distress!

— Jasmine Sha-Ree Sanders (@JasMoneyRecords) December 2, 2017

I'm a natural brunette. occasionally, I would have these natural blonde highlights show up in the summer, and sometimes people asked me if I got my hair lightened, but I did not want any more color than that. when I was 15, I made a commitment to grow out my hair, and I ended up loving not having to style my thick hair every day like I did when it was shorter. being a brown-eyed brunette with long, thick, naturally straight hair was part of my identity, and I was insistent on never changing that. around the time I graduated high school, a lot of my friends were either cutting or changing their hair color because it was "time for a change". I guess moving out of the house and starting college meant taking on a new identity. but I was in no way ready to give that up. if someone had changed their hair, I knew that it was code for "I needed a change" or "I'm going through a crisis". I made it a goal that no matter what crisis I went through, I would not touch my hair unless I needed to trim off some split ends.

fast forward to September of 2017. I was in my second year of college, and it was my first semester as a teaching major. I had a 4-hour class every day from 8-noon (most of the time, we would be observing classrooms in public schools all over Utah County, so thankfully, I was on my feet for most of the time). because I spent a lot of time off campus, my parents decided that it was not practical for me to share a car with my 16 year old brother anymore (I mean, it wasn't practical in the first place because I didn't live at home my freshman year either, but I spent a lot more time on campus and there was no parking in my dorm), so I now drove my own black Kia that I named Axl. I had a private room in a new apartment south of campus, and I did not know any of my roommates or anyone in my complex. a lot of my friends from my first year of college left on missions, and some of my older friends were coming home from their missions. a few of them ended up getting engaged reallllly fast after coming home. all of those were big changes for me. some were good changes, while others gave me major anxiety. I was closer to 20 than 19, and I was growing up. freak, I had students who were calling me "Miss Castle" and were treating me like I was a real teacher.

so, one day, while I was observing a 9th grade geography class at a junior high, I decided that this was the time. not only did I want a change, but I needed a change.

so, I texted one of my best friends from high school who was in hair school, and told her that I wanted more blonde in my hair, but I didn't know what I wanted. we discussed different options, and 2 days later, I got a subtle melt. it wasn't a major change, but my roots were definitely brunette and my ends were definitely blonde.

as cheesy as it sounds, changing my hair marked a lot of transitions in my life. a new major, a new apartment, a new ward, new friends, new classes, and new opportunities. I ended up teaching a review game to 3 different 11th grade US History classes. I taught a lesson about the Standard Oil Company to students in an alternative high school. once my teaching observation class was done (it was only half of the semester), I spent my mornings volunteering at a special needs preschool for part of a psychology assignment. I only needed 11 hours, but I loved it so much that I ended up doing a total between 30 and 40 hours. I developed relationships with these children that have taught me love, patience, and compassion in ways that I had never felt. not only am I learning to become a better teacher, I am learning to become a better person. and overall, I have become more confident.

change has always been hard for me. and I mean really hard. but I have learned that it is really important to get outside your comfort zone every now and then. and sometimes, in order to cope with everything, you need to do something fun, like changing your hair.

oh, and last week, when I went in to get my split ends trimmed, I got my color redone. this time I went a wee bit blonder, because a little change can, you know, be pretty fun.

(that strawberry was really delicious and juicy, in case you wanted to know)

generalized anxiety.

I have never wanted to admit it, but I am a perfectionist.

not in the way that I always had to get straight-A's on every assignment or else I would bribe my teachers with cookies in order to change that. not in the way that I always had to be 5 minutes early to every class. not in the way that I would be extremely disappointed in myself if I did not practice the piano for exactly 2 hours every day. in fact, when I thought I wanted to be a piano performance major (throwback to my junior and senior years of high school!), if I did practice 2 hours, I would celebrate by doing all these ridiculous wrist-relaxation exercises.

but yes, I am a perfectionist. but the standards of perfection are never set in stone. they are more like a moving target, set by me. I don't have to get a 90% on every assignment. That's unrealistic. what I mean is that if I don't think that I did well enough considering my effort, preparation, hard work, and/or natural abilities, then I did not do well enough. if I hit the snooze button too many times, was late to my 8:00 am econ class and missed the pop quiz, then I've failed. because I KNOW I can wake up on time. I've done it before. In order to get myself out of bed, I have to take morning classes. I've done it every semester of college. sure, I might mess up a few times, but HOLY FREAK IF IT IS ECON 110 AND THERE IS GOING TO BE A POP QUIZ RIGHT AT 8:00, THEN I CANNOT BE LATE AND WHEN I AM, OH BOY AM I SCREWED. 

or, in tennis, when I was on a hot streak and was making all my serves in and was beating the same girls in practice, but when it came time for challenge matches, I lost the match (AND my ranking), then I HAVE FAILED.

or, back when I thought I wanted to be a music major and participated in piano competitions. I could play all 15 pages of 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata memorized with few mistakes. but when it came to the sonata festival and I was being judged, I would forget a note, and instead of moving on like a normal person, I would freak out, start over, freak out because I started over, and struggle through the piece. THAT WAS THE WORST. I was only ever good enough to win the honorable mentions, let alone anything at all. and I was definitely not good enough to be a music major (that's a whole different story.)

I am a perfectionist. not only am I a perfectionist, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

 now, this shouldn't be hard for me to talk about! anxiety disorders are actually the most common class of psychological disorders in the United States. about 40 million other adults in the US have dealt with an anxiety disorder. I am not alone!

but here's the thing: I don't look like someone who has GAD. I'm an extrovert! I'm always finding ways to attend football and basketball games, church activities, or anything that involves friends and food! I go to my classes! I go to work! I have FRIENDS! I'm not afraid to share my opinion, speak up in class, ask for help, or stay under the radar. I'm satisfied with my personal appearance. I have a lot of talents. I AM CONFIDENT! so, based on all those attributes, I shouldn't even have an anxiety problem!

truth is, anxiety can affect anyone. it can affect introverts. it can affect extroverts. it can affect children, college students, parents, teachers, celebrities, athletes, Multi-Level Marketing distributors, ANYONE. and it affects me. just admitting that it affects me is a big step. because I'm a perfectionist, I like to think I have everything under control. when I don't, then it's unsettling. well, the simple thing would be to work on controlling the controllable.

problem is, I also have ADHD, which is probably one of the biggest contributors to my anxiety, besides perfectionism. I don't know if I'm going to be able to focus or not. I can do what I can control, such as take my medication, not waste time on social media, write things down, have a planner, etc. but sometimes, I'll remember that it's my friend's birthday and I'll call them and I'll end up talking for a few hours. THEN I'll remember that I need to go grocery shopping (and of course, I'll buy everything except what was on my list). oh wait. I have a test tomorrow. 

WHY. AM. I. LIKE. THIS.

then, I can either be clutch and study like crazy, try and be clutch and get distracted again, or try and be clutch but end up having an anxious breakdown because I wasn't clutch earlier.

see? it's super fun!

around last winter, in my second semester of college, I realized that I had a Problem with a capital P. I was a bucket of stress all the time. I was so worried about remembering to turn in assignments that my ADHD would come in clutch (again) and I'd forget, get a bad grade, tell myself to never do that again, but SPOILER ALERT, I'd do it again! and I did a hell of a lot of crying. there were too many things to remember, too many things to do, too many tests, too many basketball games, too many choir concerts, and I HAD TO DO WELL AT EVERYTHING!

thankfully, on BYU campus, there are free Counseling and Psychological Services. before, I never would have ever imagined I would see a therapist. oh no, I was too strong for that. I was an ADULT who could manage my OWN LIFE! but I was sane enough to realize that I needed help. so I went to see a therapist, who evaluated me for general anxiety disorder, and I had my physician do that as well. we talked about ways for me to manage my stress, and we talked about medication. initially, I did not want to take meds because I had been taking ADHD meds since I was 10 and I know from personal experience that if I go off those, I do not get anything done and I am a mess. thankfully, we were able to find something that would work with my other meds, and after a hell of a lot of patience and crying, I felt like I was able to (somewhat) manage my life again. of course, I'm not perfect. I still get anxious. I still mess up and forget to turn assignments in, get a less-than-desirable score, or not perform to my expectations. I still have breakdowns when there is too much on my plate, and yes, I still cry in my car sometimes! but THAT IS OKAY!

so, why am I telling you all this?

despite all efforts to end the stigma associated with anxiety, there are still certain stereotypes about it that I do not fit. because of this, I have been....anxious to talk about it to such a wide audience because I might not be taken seriously. one time, I was talking to one of my friends and I was just saying, "yeah, my anxiety always peaks at this point in the semester!" and another girl that I knew said, "Miriam, there are actually people who have anxiety disorders. there are people who take medication for anxiety. please don't use that term lightly."

(I'm pretty sure I just laughed and said, "oh, you have no idea!")

but I'm here to say that it is NOT a bad thing to have anxiety or any mental illness. I'm here to say that IT IS OKAY TO GET HELP! it is okay to admit that sometimes, you can get overly stressed about something and you just need a second to calm down and get your life back in order! and yes, even social extroverts like me have to cancel plans because we don't feel like we will be able to get anything done otherwise. and while I really hate doing that, it is important to take care of myself. there is no harm in doing that! PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND. 

If you ever feel overly anxious about anything, talk to someone about it. it can be a family member, a roommate, a friend, a teacher, a sibling, a therapist, or me. I have been a much healthier and happier person since I learned how to take care of myself and talk things out. and while writing this and posting it for all to see is a lot for me, I really hope it helps someone. because everyone deserves to feel love and support.

(and yes, I admit that I use Diet Coke as a stress reliever as well. no shame in that.)

twenty.

hello, friends. this month, I celebrated my 20th birthday. to be completely honest, it was a pretty weird birthday. I spent my morning observing my favorite world history teacher at my old high school as part of one of my education classes. back when I was in high school, word got out quickly that it was my birthday. people I didn't even know would say "Happy birthday, Miriam!" to me. in 2015, this teacher (the one I was observing) made an announcement on the intercom that it was my 17th birthday. and I hope this doesn't sound completely narcissistic, but I liked the attention. I have never been one to hide in the background and blend in. even though I was (and still am) 5 feet tall, I made sure that my presence was noticed. I had a lot of friends, and every year on my birthday, a large group of them would come to my house and grab some wonderful dessert made by my mother. I loved my birthdays.

on Tuesday, I purposely showed up 15 minutes after the tardy bell because I did not want to be mistaken as a student. after all, I was here to observe my favorite history teacher as a practicum assignment for one of my classes, not loiter on my old stomping grounds. after I parked my car in the Visitor's Parking lot, I saw a lady who appeared to be running late. I held the door open for her, and she said, "thank you so much, even though you are probably already 15 minutes to your first class! what grade are you in? what class do you have right now?"
"oh, you're welcome. and I'm actually not a student here. I graduated 2 years ago. I am a teaching social science major at BYU"
"oh, so how old are you?"
"20"
"you look really young for a 20-year-old...and don't worry, you'll be grateful when you are my age!"

I thought about the last time I walked into Timpview High School (besides this one time last year when I was visiting this same teacher and a few of my friends who were seniors at the time). I was the same height as I am now. I blasted Bohemian Rhapsody on my way to school. I went out to lunch with a few of my best friends on the tennis team. I was devastated that Roger Federer pulled out of the French Open due to injury. I was excited to start BYU, but I was definitely going to miss high school. I would miss my social life, going to In-N-Out after football games, making quesadillas with my friends at my house for lunch, Great Harvest runs, and so much more. I thought I was going to be a commercial music major and one day bring classic rock back into the mainstream. I maybe wanted to minor in history. I was not looking forward to BYU not having any caffeine on campus. I was very excited, but also very anxious.

and boy, I was a very different person than I am at 20 years old.

yes, I am still the same height as I was back then. yes, I still blasted Bohemian Rhapsody in my car on the way to school. yes, I still love classic rock music and want to maybe someday bring it back into the mainstream. yes, I still have a lot of the same friends, but we don't see each other as much. some are serving missions, while others are attending different universities. even the ones who attend BYU with me aren't seen very often, because college can take over your life. but even though I thought I had it all with an amazing social life (and truth is, I still miss it sometimes), I have become a much better, stronger person.

I got rejected from the BYU Commercial Music program and decided that I wanted to do something that I love, which is sharing what I'm passionate about with other people. I declared my major as Teaching Social Science in winter of 2017, and officially entered the program in the fall. I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and that I can help so many people in the process, whether it be by teaching them history, listening to them, or even just being a friend. I have learned so much about history, geography, psychology, teaching others, and teaching myself. I still enjoy eating out, but instead of going to In-N-Out after football games, my friends and I will go after our shift is done, and we can't stay all night because I have a crap ton of economics homework to do. BYU has caffeine on campus now. Roger Federer is in the final round of the Australian Open this year. he won TWO GRAND SLAMS since he pulled out of the French Open in 2016.

anyways.

as weird as it is walking into your old high school and getting mistaken as a student multiple times (yes, this incident did happen a few more times), I am very proud of the person I have become. I am now more confident, more resilient, and less anxious. I have learned more about how to control both my ADHD and anxiety and still get good grades (getting on the right meds helps, too). I have a major that I love, and I have a plan for my future. I still hang out with some of my friends from high school, and I have made many new ones as well. I have learned how to serve and be a good example to others, even when I feel like sleeping through all of my classes. I have learned how to better get along with people and how to compromise (this one is HUGE). even though I have stayed the same height since I was 14, I have grown emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

oh, and I also decided that maybe, being a solid brunette wasn't as fun as, you know, getting a little blonde melt in my hair.