then again, it's not as bad as we think it is.

this year, as we know, a lot of things have happened that have not been in my favor. you have heard about me not making acappella choir and the whole issue surrounding my placement on the tennis team. and after a few weeks, tennis started to go really well. I got to play in a lot more matches than I expected to. so that was looking up. I became really close to the team, I had good friends, and school was hard but it was manageable. but there were other things going on that made it hard for me to focus on the good things.
that one thing was homecoming.
last year, I was nominated as sophomore homecoming princess, and it was truly one of the best days of my life. that day, I remember thinking, this is the most amazing thing, but next year I will be able to spend it on a date. I can't wait! I knew it was possible for girls to not get asked, but I never thought of myself as one in that category. I was outgoing, I had a lot of friends, I was good at talking to people, and I really don't know how to say this without bragging, but I'm not too bad looking. Except for my awkward phase that lasted throughout middle school, I never really thought of myself as an ugly person. and I guess other people didn't, either. I was already confident with my appearance, and when people constantly tell you, "Miriam, you're so pretty!" or "you dress so cute!" or "your eyes/hair/nose/whatever is gorgeous!", it's hard not to believe it. I'm not saying I let it get to my head, but it is true that boys do prefer to take girls who are good looking. so, I thought out of the 1,000 boys who go to my school, (the 500 being able to go to the dance), at least one of them would ask me.
well, the first day of school came and went, and girls were already getting asked. I wasn't too worried, and thought, they will ask me later! pretty soon, all of my friends started to get asked, and they would ask me, "have you been asked yet?" i would just smile and say, "no, not yet!" and they would assure me, "well, you will get asked soon! you're too pretty not to! boys love you!" and I believed it.
but pretty soon, all my friends had been asked, and I still hadn't. I would be talking to my friends who were boys, and because I was curious, I would ask them if they had asked anyone yet. all of them replied, "yeah! have you been asked?" or worse, "who asked you?"
"uh, no one."
"that's ok! everyone loves you, and you're too pretty not to get asked! of course someone will ask you!"
and my natural response would'be been to say, then why didn't YOU ask me? but of course, I just remained cheerful and said, "thanks!" but it was getting harder everyday. everytime one of my friends would mention homecoming, I just felt myself getting angrier and angrier. I really was excited for them to go, and I really did want to know what they were doing for their date, but it was really hard for me to share that excitement. It made me feel more and more left out as the day came nearer and nearer. I couldn't stop asking myself why I hadn't been asked yet.
one day, I was talking to one of my really good friends (who has a girlfriend, so of course, he asked her). and he said, "well, the reason you haven't been asked yet is because you're just too intimidating! Miriam, you are very talented, you're funny, you're smart, people would have a good time with you, and you're very pretty. guys love you! but they're just scared to ask you, because you're so intimidating! they're worried that someone else will ask you first, so they just ask someone else instead." well, that was the nicest thing anyone has said to try to make me feel better. and this friend is quite talented and intimidating himself, so I trusted him a bit more. and it is hard to ask people, so I can understand that. but I didn't want to go around telling people, "I haven't been asked yet because I'm too intimidating!" and even though he made me feel better, it didn't change the fact that I hadn't been asked.
finally, I just decided to accept the fact that I would probably not be going to homecoming unless a miracle happened, and that I would have a GOOD TIME that day, even with most of my friends out partying. (I said most.) so, I got this brilliant idea to spend the day with my best friend Grace from the tennis team, and our other best friend Kate. both of them were sophomores, and wouldn't be able to go anyway. so, we made some plans to make this day the best day ever for me. and after we made plans, I was a lot happier. instead of dreading homecoming, I looked forward to it. I would go to lunch with 2 of my best friends, and we would see a movie and talk and drive around and listen to good music all afternoon. besides, with tennis and homework, I never really had any time to do girl things. and I was able to be cheerful when people would ask me, "so what are you doing instead of Homecoming?" after talking about their plans. It was a lot easier for me to listen to my friends and be excited for them, knowing that I would be having a fun time too, even if it wasn't on a date.
the day came and went. me, Kate, and Grace had a great time eating at Kneaders, watching Maze Runner (it is better than the book! I definitely recommend it), and having a good time together. none of us mentioned Homecoming, and we just focused on other things. it was the happiest I'd been for a long time. I came home in a really good mood, and even though I would have loved to go, I still made the best of it.
I'm not saying that I'm okay with not getting asked to every dance. it really is not fun, and it does suck when everyone's talking about it, and you have to politely listen. and everytime someone told me, "well, dances aren't everything", I wanted to shoot them. but if we are able to make the best out of our situations, then it really isn't as bad as we think it is. it's natural to worry about why things happen to us, but in reality, there is no reason. maybe boys just wanted to take someone else, or maybe they don't have the guts to ask. (like a lot of my friends don't have the guts when it comes to girls choice dances.) or, maybe you are intimidating (which is a good and a bad thing). but instead of trying to think about the why, it's a lot better (and harder, too!) to accept that not everything happens in our favor, and even though we wish it could've worked out differently, we can make the best out of it and still end up having a good time. it's a lot easier said than done, but it is possible!

I feel like I just bore my testimony. I hope that wasn't too preachy. I'm just trying to express my true feelings without going into huge rants.

TENNIS UPDATE: I had region on Friday, and I played really well! my first match I was losing 2-6, and I came back and tied it 6-6! both my opponent and I played really well, and I never double faulted once. when it got to 6-7, we were in deuce. we were playing no-ad, meaning you only had one shot. If I would've won, it would've been tied, 7-7 and we would keep going until one of us won 9-7, or we would enter a tiebreaker at 8-8. but she sent me to the net and hit a passing shot over my head, and there is no way I could've returned it. and I do have to give her credit for that. that is a very good shot. I actually wasn't bummed that I lost, because I was able to make a comeback and I played my very best.
my second match started out good, but my opponent had the comeback this time. we both fought long and hard, and eventually went into a tiebreaker, which she won. tiebreakers are always very frustrating for me, and I have never been able to win one in a match. (YET. I'm working on that.) but even though I lost, I am proud to say that I played my best, and that both my matches were very close, and if I had won, I would've had to stay for a loooooong time. so again, things aren't as bad as we think they are. at first, I didn't even know if I would get to play in matches, let alone region, because I was a JV Alternate. but I ended up playing a lot of matches, and I won some and lost some, but I improved a lot since last season. I did better mentally as well, and didn't self-destruct when things weren't going the way I wanted them to. and I even made it to region, and played really well. so, things may not be the way we want, but in reality, they aren't as bad as they think they are.

two VERY different matches.

so that last post was kind of an emotional handful. believe me, being on the C-team/NCJV/alternate team/whatever the heck we are called was really hard at first. normal people would say, "hey, at least you only have to practice every other day!" maybe I want to practice everyday. and maybe I do feel left out because everyone has a free 7th period to practice tennis and I have seminary at that time. then again, I do like having seminary at the end of the day. it's nice to have an easy, relaxing class after 3 really hard classes. plus, my best friend is in there so that makes it even better. but sometimes, knowing that the rest of the team is getting in extra practice without me, just doesn't feel good. I love tennis so much, and when there is an opportunity for me to practice, I'll take it. and sometimes, it feels like I'm missing a lot of opportunities. sometimes, I would even feel like I was slowly losing my love for tennis, I would get so frustrated.

I know that because people hate negativity, girls like to sound like "it isn't too bad" or "there's always next year". I am horrible at hiding my feelings, so I usually just say it how it is. and at first, it really sucked. I mean, really. showing up to practice later than everyone else because they had ALL of 7th PERIOD to practice was bad. doing the C-team drills weren't my favorite. and I would have to remind myself that I was here because I love tennis, and I want to move up, and that if I didn't go to practice, Coach would probably move me down even more. I would go to practice and try to have a good time, and most of the time, I usually ended up having a good time.

well, Monday, we had our first match of the season! (ok, maybe it was pre-season. but our first match against another team.) we played at Orem High School. Now, I can't bash on Orem because a lot of Timpview is friends with Orem. That's what I think makes them great rivals, because a lot of the girls already know each other. I know Timpview won state last year, but Orem has a lot of really good players who, like a lot of the Timpview team, have been trained since age 8. but I somehow got it in my head that since I was a JV alternate, the person I would get matched up with wouldn't be very good.
our varsity team was.....not doing their best. everyone lost. our JV team didn't have great luck, either. I was waiting anxiously to play, and finally, I was the last match of the day.
the girl they had me play against wore me out in the warm up.
which, in a match, that would be good. but not the warm up. she said she already played a match today, so I was the second person she was playing. she hit me really tricky shots and had me running around everywhere, which is seriously a great skill. but again, in the warm up, it's a warm up. not a "wear the opponent out before the match even begins."
then she said, "I usually play varsity doubles or JV singles."
why. why. WHY. WHY. I'm not even an official JV player, and they put me against a Varsity girl. what the heck were these coaches trying to do to me? kick me off the team for good?
my whole team was watching and trying to cheer me on whenever I did something well. but.... I didn't really do anything that well. I ran for every shot, but I would either hit it out, or into the net. this made me even more frustrated. when I was losing, 0-5, my coach pulled me out for a pep talk and told me to relax. so, I did, and I aced her on my serve. I was able to win that next game, even though it was close. the rest of the games went to deuce. I played okay, but still, not my best. I was able to win 1 more game, and she won the rest. so, I lost, 2-8. I congratulated her on playing well, because really, she did.
most of my team saw how I did, and they all felt bad. a lot of them even said, "you didn't play the way you normally do, but she's a tough opponent, and you were able to get it together in the end." now, I shouldn't have beat myself up for losing to a varsity person. but when the people who weren't watching asked how I did, I did the embarrassing thing and started to cry. most of the team didn't know what to say, which was good. I didn't cry because I lost, but mostly because I didn't play well at all. I normally have really good form. and if I hit with correct form, it almost always goes in. but I lost my form completely, and forgot everything my coaches have ever taught me. I am not the best at accepting defeat, but if I lose and I know I played well, it just doesn't feel as bad, because at least I played well. the other person just played better. but when I lose and I don't play well, it just feels a lot worse. and I know failure is the opportunity for improvement. and I knew what i needed to improve. but I was not in the mood to hear motivational speeches.
Coach didn't even need to ask how I felt about the way I played.

after a good, long cry session with my best friend on the team, I decided to get over it. I had another match on Wednesday, and I couldn't self-destruct again. I had relaxed more, and the first match is always the hardest. hopefully, our team would play better. When we got to Timpanogos High School in Orem, we were relieved to find that they had 2 more courts than Orem did. I was also not so stressed out, and I had more confidence. the matches were going a lot quicker too, because of the extra courts. after.....45 minutes, Coach told me they were ready for me to play.
the girl I played was a sophomore. I tried not to wear her out in the warm up. we had a really nice warm up, actually. all my serves were going in. when the match started, it was a lot different than when I played Orem 2 days ago. she served first, and I was able to break her serve on the first game. not to brag or anything, but that is kind of a big deal. When I serve, I play better, and the same goes for other players (unless they double fault every serve). I find it a lot more frustrating when the opponent breaks my serve, than when they are serving and I lose. I won the first game, we traded sides, and the next game was my serve. I'll save all of you and not describe the match game by game, but early on, I was able to figure out where her weak spots were, and use those to my advantage. I would serve harder, and I would always return to where she would have to run for it. as the match went on, she would get more and more frustrated. we did have some really long rallies, she did hit some really good passing shots, and we did go into a few deuces, but in the end, I won.
8-0.
in tennis slang, we call that a "bagel".
I don't even know how I did that. I went from 2-8 to 8-0 in just 2 days. and the fact that I played really well was even more rewarding. and let's not forget that I'm not an official JV singles player.
varsity won, and our school only had 2 losses. that day was a really good day. to say we turned it around from Monday is an understatement.
Coach was really proud of me, and told me that I had improved a lot and I have been working really hard, and that I would be playing a lot more than I thought I would. so pretty much, I will play in more matches than I won't play in! and now, practices are not as "segregated" by team. on Friday, it was divided into Singles and Doubles. not Singles, Doubles, and C-team. I was actually the only C-team girl to join the singles practice, but no one even cared or treated me like I was below them. it was one of the best practices I ever had. today, it was half conditioning, and half rotating drills. another of the best practices, even though I hate conditioning. so I guess I don't even feel like a reject anymore. I am finally starting to feel like part of the team. I was able to prove that even though I didn't get the spot I wanted, I can still win. I am still a good player. and the fact that all those girls above me are also winning just means that we have a really good team. and that love for tennis is coming back. (not that I ever lost it, but for a while, it seemed that way.)

and some pictures.

me and my best friend on the team, Grace. this was at Orem. I did not order a uniform skirt, so I didn't match the rest of the team. but our colors are blue and orange, so what I did wasn't too bad. also I kinda think my skirt is cuter. (it's actually my mom's, but she agreed to lend it to me for tennis season because it's Timpview colors.) but anyways, I just love this girl so much. I love driving her home from practice and going to lunch and talking and laughing and singing and crying together. and even though she's 2nd Varsity Doubles and I'm Unofficial JV Singles, I love to play with her. 

after I won 8-0 against Timpanogos. I actually wore my blue skirt to match the rest of the teams. it looks exactly the same as all the other uniform skirts, so that's why I didn't order one. I still think the orange one looks better. 

Sophie, one of my favorite new freshmen. we did not plan our outfits! we just showed up and were practically matching! (also the only day I decide not to wear a skirt.) so, of course we take a picture. also, I got 4 inches chopped off my hair that day, and I was a bit sad about that. that's an understatement. I actually cried. I still don't like it, but it's healthier and easier to care for.