is this the real life...or is this just Fantasie?

I'm not really good at this whole blogging game anymore because junior year happened. and as far as I know, no one even reads my blog anymore. but for those that do, I thought I might humor you with an embarrassing story.

so, last Saturday, I have this piano recital, and I'm supposed to be playing this song- Fantasie Impromptu by Chopin. I have wanted to learn this song for a loooong time. about 2 years ago, one of my really good friends played it for me and I was amazed at how good he was, and I told myself, "someday, I will be this good and I will learn this." well, in November, I finished off my crazy huge sonata festival (where I played this song, Moonlight Sonata, movement 3. all 15 pages), and finally, I could prepare for my 19th century recital, and of course, after playing all 15 pages of the 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata, I feel like I can play anything. so, I choose Fantasie Impromptu. and it's not an easy song. It required long, slow practices with the metronome, drilling the same measures for hours, painful wrist tension, learning when to lift the pedal, balance and articulation, dynamics, and playing with expression. if a deaf person watched me play, they wouldn't think I was very good unless they watched the movement in my fingers. I am not one of those people who moves their entire body with the music. my passion lies in my fingers only, not everything else. I just can't subconsciously do that. but I've been trying to look more passionate when I play.  so, add all that stuff up and it's a lot to work on. I wanted to get it perfect, so I'd practice an hour-an hour and a half every day, just on that song. (now, I know that more dedicated pianists practice at least 2 hours. I just don't have the time or patience to do that. but I'm doing my best.)

but finally, the day of my recital, I feel really confident and I can play through the song almost perfectly. I'm not too worried because it's not a competition and I'm not getting judged. I'm not too nervous. I'm listed second to last on the program, so I let all these kids go before me, and I'm doing okay. But as soon as I walk up there, the nerves hit me. at my last recital (which was a competition), I had to start over but after that I played well. I didn't want to do it this time. So, I'm sitting at the bench, thinking through my song...or that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I just go and jump in and start playing, and already on the 4th measure, I can't play. I screw up a run, and decide to start again. my goal was not to start over. but I guess I can do it once. but I have the same problem. same spot. I can't get past that one spot. so, without thinking, I just run off the stage and tell the last girl to go. everyone's staring at me and that makes me feel worse. I sit with my parents and they don't say anything, except my dad says, "if you want to go up after she's done, then you should. but I won't force you to do this one." which my dad is never like this. usually, he makes me push through everything. if I'm feeling sick, he claims it's all in my head and that I need to be mentally tough. if I say I'm going to do something, I'm not allowed to back out. but I could tell he felt really bad, which made me feel better but also made me feel almost worse, in a way.

well, I thought about it the whole time the last girl was playing. I worked so hard to get to this moment, and why back out after all that? I already messed up pretty bad and started over twice and gave up. but I wasn't going to leave the recital hall without playing my song. and I wouldn't start over again.

so the last girl finishes, and I walk back up, sit down, actually think about what I'm about to do, and once I'm ready, I start playing. and I am actually doing pretty well. I'm still really nervous, so I'm not playing nearly as well as I do on my own, but considering the fact that I'm under a lot of pressure, it's going okay. but right as I'm about to get to the slow part, I look down at the keys and see that there's blood all over them. and then I notice, my index finger on my right hand, has a hangnail, and it just happened to start bleeding.

THERE IS BLOOD.
ON THE PIANO.
just when you think it can't get any worse, IT DOES.

well, I've already started over twice and let another girl go in front of me, so I guess I just have to ignore this bloody hangnail. but it's obvious. anyone who was sitting on the front row could tell that I'm bleeding everywhere. and I just have to play through it. I try not to focus on it, but it just made it 500 times harder to play. but I play okay and I just accept that I have to struggle through it. so, I finish, play my final chord, casually wipe my finger off, and stand up and take my bow.
and EVERYONE IS CLAPPING.
well, what do I do now? I just run straight to my teacher and say, "I have a hangnail on my right hand and it started bleeding while I was playing... don't let anyone near the piano. um.... sorry about that." and she says, "it's okay, you played through it, and you played beautifully." and a bunch of moms came up to me and said that they have heard me at other recitals and master classes, and that I'm a very accomplished pianist and that they are impressed that even though I got hit by some weird case of nerves and my FREAKING FINGER STARTED TO BLEED, I pushed through it and played really well. I guess that made me feel a little better. but to me, I just felt like a failure. I thought it was going to be amazing, I would play through it perfectly, and not get a bloody hangnail. so, I just beat myself up the whole way home and cry about how bad I am and that these people don't know everything.

but eventually, that evening, I recovered. I was at a party in Park City with a ton of my friends, and they asked how my day was, and I told them this story, and I was even able to laugh at myself. because the whole thing now seemed absolutely ridiculous. it was really embarrassing at the time, but I was able to get over myself. and considering the fact that I had a really weird case of nerves and that I was bleeding everywhere, I played really well. and if I had just given up, I would've been really mad at myself for a long time.

so, next time you have a recital or concert or game or anything, just think, "at least I don't have a bloody hangnail." and even if you do, just push through it. it's hard to ignore this stuff, but I pushed through it. and I'm just proud of myself for doing that. and who knows, it makes for a good story to tell at parties.