torn.

the last few weeks have been pretty rough for me. I've become a lot closer with my Tokyo ward friends, and I will really miss them when I leave. I've also started "school", but then got pulled out of it because the district is upset because I didn't show up for the first 10 days, so I have officially been removed as a student at Timpview High School. I was supposed to be registered as a late arrival. so, this registration process is really stressful. also, my parents are getting stricter and stricter now that my ward friends are in school, as well as my Provo friends. mornings for me is afternoon for them, so it's the only time I can get on Facebook to talk to them. My dad highly disapproves of this, as I am not doing "homework first." and then there's my brothers, who also have homework. all done online, as we don't have a printer. and books. we didn't bring any paperbacks, so we have to read either from the iPad or the Kindle, which 1. I am such a great sister, I got Wesley addicted to The Hunger Games! (which he's obsessed, but he still can't understand how I cry everytime I read about Peeta and the bread, or anytime Mockingjay is even mentioned). 2. Justin is also addicted to books, but for him, it's Harry Potter. he started the first book this summer, and is now in the middle of the 4th. and he's only in 4th grade. I didn't even start the series until the beginning of 5th grade, and I finished in the middle of 6th grade. so, both of my brothers are always using one or the other to read, and I am in Honors English 9, and I have not only 1 but 2 biographies that I have to read before I get back to the states. the first one was about a hurricane in Galveston, Texas. it dragged on really slooooooooooowwwly. I personally was bored to death. the second book, I am able to choose, and I chose this really good book called Unbroken, which I am addicted to. but I barely have any time to really get into it because the iPad is also used for watching movies, playing Smurf Village (both the boys are obsessed!), Angry Birds (MOM is obsessed!), and as a computer when the laptop is taken. so, there is a challenge with that.

my nonexistent math teacher finally proved she exists by emailing not me, but my parents, who expected me to get the message. I have missed a whole chapter, and by the time I get back, it will have been 2 chapters. this was a bad time to take Algebra 2, because I didn't do too well in Geometry and was planning on retaking it as a freshman, but the registration people automatically assumed that if I was a Geometry student, I would have to take Algebra 2. also, as you know, all my friends took it last year and are in Geomecrap this year. so, I got taken out of Algebra 2 and am now enrolled in the same class, but using eSchool (which I should've used for Geomecrap!). all in all, it's been complete chaos.

early morning seminary is pretty much killing me. I have to play piano, I don't have any written scriptures (they were so heavy I left them in Provo and thought I'd get off easy using my iPod, but they would prefer the written stuff), I'm not on my ADD meds yet, so I'm not focused at all and I'm pretty much falling asleep. as soon  as I get back, the boys are awake, so that ruins any chance of falling back asleep. but it gives me a good reason to actually read my scriptures!

in addition to this schooling stuff, I'm stuck in the middle. all of my Japan ward friends have really gotten to know me, and I love them. I will really miss them, and it doesn't help that every time I show up to seminary or mutual, they always remind me, "Oh my gosh, Miriam, you're leaving so soon! I'm gonna miss you so much! You are such a sweet girl and very talented and such a great friend and yeah yeah yeah..." which means a lot to me, because I've actually found a place in this ward! but do I like being reminded? heck no! it only makes it worse. not only are the young men/women doing this, but the young families as well. let's take the cute little G. family as an example. darling 6 year old Kylie and adorable 5 year old Renae look to me as a fashion idol. every Sunday, they find something new about my outfit to obsess over, and ask their mom, "Can I get this? I wanna look like Miriam!" and they always check every week to make sure I'm wearing a different pair of earrings! Liam, their charming 3 year old brother also inspects my earrings, along with showing me all his new creations he makes in nursery. "Look, Miriam! I colored this picture! and it says my name, L-I-A-M! And I'm wearing your favorite little stripey socks again without shoes! Can you go home and play with me all day? It'll be super-duper fun!"  and then there are my youth conference buddies, whom I would do anything to see them again. but I'm leaving too soon to even get a chance of seeing them again.

my Provo friends aren't taking this too well either. to all you Provo friends reading this, do not get offended. when I first left, I got a party. I got a Japan book. I got a yearbook signed. Everyone was asking how I was doing. then, they accepted that I was gone and didn't pay any attention, except for the occasional photo liking on Instagram or email. it was quite boring. but as soon as school started, they're all like, "Miriam, we miss you sooooo much! Come home right now, please! You've been gone way too long!" or "You are loving Japan way too much, and I'm afraid you'll never leave. Why did it have to grow on you?" or "So ready for you to get home! P-Town needs your stinkin cute face!" and I appreciate that very much. it makes me want to come back. but really, why did you have to wait until the end of my time in Japan? that kind of makes it harder. and saying that you wish that I didn't like Japan? well, again, no offence, but if you're my friend, you should want me to be happy. believe me, I wasn't happy at first. but that's when all you guys were on summer vacation. having a blast. and when I'm happy, you remind me that I should come home. which I'm super excited to do. but sad at the same time.

"Nothing's fine, I'm torn.
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.
I'm cold and I'm ashamed, lying broken on the floor.
Illusion never changed, into something real.
I'm wide awake, and I can see the perfect sky is torn.
You're a little late, I'm already torn."
-Torn by some other singer, but I like the One Direction acoustic version. go look it up!

well, that might've been a slight exaggeration. but that's how I'm feeling right now. torn. I don't want to leave Japan. but I miss all my friends of Provo. I want to go back. But I don't. I want to stay in Tokyo. But I don't. see how confusing this gets?

but to face reality, I am flying back to Provo in 12 days.